Tonight,I am feeling pretty good.I had a pretty good day today.The work shift went by smoothly and I picked up plenty of laundry.The Monday crew is going to have a lot to do.Thew day also was sunny and bright but not humid.I also had a very good drive home today.After cashing my check,I stopped at a thrift shop and picked up a few more record albums and singles.I even managed to find a video starring the Olsen Twins.After that,I went home.
The only disappointing thing was that I relapsed again.I masturbated with those stupid images coming back to mind.This is my third consecutive relapse this week and it did bring me down initially.After asking the creator to forgive me,I felt better and it also motivated me to forgive myself.Again,I do feel pretty good despite that relapse.I know that I will beat this habit.I just have to keep hanging in there.
After I ate dinner,I went to a supermarket to turn in some bottles that were in the trunk of my car.I wanted to do that before the storm that we were getting started.Right now,it is raining but it is not storming.The rain is coming down but it is not too big.It is a medium downpour.But I am at home relaxing and I am getting ready for the weekend.I just want to save my energy for tomorrow night.
I am glad that the weekend is finally here.I am looking forward to singing up a storm tomorrow night.I always look forward to singing tomorrow night for my friends.It is something that I live for.I am hoping that the night goes well for me.I do not know what I am going to sing but I know that it will be something good.
I am looking forward to attending the group on Monday night.I am hoping that the group goes over well and I am also hoping that it is worth going to and continuing to go to.I feel that I do need some help in learning new ways to control my anger and resort to more positive ways of expressing how I feel rather than negative ways.I have resorted to negative ways too many times and it has gotten me into trouble.Again,I am hoping to gain some more insight and learn more positive ways of expressing my anger than negative so I can avoid trouble later on.I also want to advance on and hope for the best.
Last night,I watched a video on YouTube on how vinyl records are made.It was great.I am a collector of rare vinyl and this was a great eductaional experience.A lot of hard work goes into the making of vinyl recoord albums and singles.By comparison,it's easier to make vinyl records than it is to make CD's.I now better appreciate what I do as a hobby and why I do it.
Again,I am hoping that my night of entertaining goes well tomorrow night.
That was my day today and my hoped for day tomorrow.

Tonight,I am feeling pretty good.I had a pretty good day today.The work shift went by smoothly and the lunch period was also great.After lunch,I simply bagged the laundry that was done and I dropped it off.I went home soon afterwards because I needed to drop some stuff at home and I needed to get ready for my afternoon appointment.I simply did a little bit of my personal computer work and went to my appointment.I made it just in time.
My meeting with my sexual abuse support counselor went well.We simply read a chapter from a book on anger management and how depression is a from of anger turned inward.This was a new thing that I learned today.I never realized that depression is a form of anger.I am now starting to learn new things and hope to learn a few more.I am also looking forward to attending a new sexual abuse support group within the place that I have sessions with my sexual abuse support counselor.I am hoping that this group works out well.I am also looking forward to meeting new men and hoping to start some new friendships.Again,when this group starts,I am hoping that it works out well and that it helps me out a lot.I can use all the support that I can get.
I am still looking forward to attending that first meeting of that anger management/conflict resolution group Monday evening.I can hardly wait to meet new men and start having new friendships and healthy relationships.I am looking forward to that Monday evening group and I am hoping that it helps me out a lot and that I also learn a lot more about how I can effectively manage my anger and control it rather than it controlling me.
Tomorrow is another work day.I am hoping that the shift goes by smoothly.
That was my day today and my hoped for day tomorrow.FJ

Tonight,I am feeling better than I have been.I had a pretty good day today.The pick-up went by pretty well.There was no mess to clean and that was great.I dropped it off at the worksite and afetr sorting it out,I went home.I tried to take a nap today,but couldn't.I wound up relapsing again.I masturbated to images of naked men and having sexual fun with them.Plus,there were other disgusting degrading things that crept up in my mind but I am not going to talk about that.Why?Because I do not want to gross anyone out.That is how bad they are.But again,I am no longer feeling bad about it.I am simply going to forget about it and move on.I am going to work on not letting these images of nude men demanding favors from me torture me.I am going to try and work on these things and not let it bring me down.I relapsed and that is all.I am not going to let it bring me down.
My support group meeting at the church went great.It was wonderful to relieve myself of some of the emotional baggage that I have been carrying this past week.I shared what has been going on in my life and my work and it was great to share these things with the men and being heard.It was also wonderful that they also listened to me as well.I also learned that I had something in common with one of the men in the group,which was wonderful.It is great to learn that I had something in common with one of the men.I went home feeling great.It was a long drive home but I had a feeling of satisfaction that has not left me.I hope that it lasts very long.
I also had a talk with that friend of mine in North Carolina who authored a great book that I contributed to.It was a great conversation.He gave me some pretty good advice on what I should do in a month's time.He wanted me to put into my mind who I really am.I have told him repeatedly about all the turmoil that went on in my life and what my father did to me in the name of his "Born-Again Christianity" and all the physical,emotional and spiritual abuse that I endured at his hand.He simply told me that I should concentrate on working to be a happy man who strives to learn new things.He advised me to try it for a month and see what happens.I said that I would try it and apply what I am learning in my daily life and also talk about it here on my blog. He also advised me to work on not letting the torture and turmoil that my father placed on me bring me down and angry and forget all the emasculations that he gave.I am going to also work on appreciating compliments better.I still have a hard time accepting and appreciating compliments all because of all I went through.But as he advised,I am going to strive to learn new things and work on becoming the happy balanced man that I want to be.
Earlier today,I went to my auto mechanic to have my brakes checked out.The brakes on my car need to be replaced.My mechanic did make some minor adjustments that will help for now but he said that the work still needs to be done soon.I know that it needs to be done and I will get it done when I can,which will be soon.
Tomorrow is a work day.I am hoping that the shift goes by smoothly.I also have an appointment with the substitute sexual abuse support counselor.I am hoping that the meeting with her goes well.
That was my day today and my hoped for day tomorrow as well as what I have to work on in the months ahead.FJ

Tonight,I am feeling okay.My work day went by smoothly.But I was tired for much of the day.I was yawning and trying to stay awake.I even drank a couple of cups of coffee but that did not work.Fortunately,I did not fall asleep on the job but it was still frustrating trying to stay awake and do my job.When the time that I could go home arrived,I simply bagged the laundry and I dropped it off at the rehab center.Afterwards,I went home to relax but my day was not over yet.
I also went to a local shopping mall in my area because there was something going on there.I had the opportunity of winning a few autographed photos of sports heroes.I manged to win a few of mostly wrestlers though I am not into wrestling.One of them was a male wrestler and the other two were female wrestlers.But still,the pics will be collectable later on and I am glad that I won something.I also won some vintage sports memoriabilia.It was great to have won that but I had to wait in a long line for over two hours.Still,what I got was better than nothing and it was a great evening.After this,I simply got in my car and drove home.
On the way home,there was a storm coming.I saw lightning over the peninsula in one of teh cities in the next county and I wanted to get home right away so I would not get caught in it.Fortunately,when I got home,it was only a reasonably brife electrical storm but I wanted to get home fast just in case it would get really ugly.You never know.
Tomorrow is simply a pick up day.I am hoping that the pick up goes well.Tomorrow night,I am going to my support group meeting at the church.I am hoping that it goes well.
That was my day today and my hoped for day tomorrow.FJ

Tonight,I am feeling pretty good.I had a very good day today.I finally went to see the medication manager at the local hospital today and the session went well.I told her an awful lot over what has happened in the last several weeks and she was glad to hear it.I told her everything.I did not leave anything out.I also showed her the book that I had recently received and I also informed her that I was one of the contributors.She seemed very enthusiastic over this.The session went for a little over an hour but it was terrific.I have another appointment with her in November.Again,the session today with her went well.
After I left the hospital,I ran a personal errand for my mom and I also walked through another shopping mall in my area.I went into a certain store and I looked at some of the electronics that they had for sale.It was simply a few stereo players with turntables,CD and cassette players.But they were nice.I had a pretty good time simply window shopping.I did not buy anything but still,it was good to window shop.The day was also sunny and cheerful.We are supposed to get rain in a couple of days.The rain will do some good.Though the days have been a roller coaster ride regarding the weather,the rain will still do some good.We did have some rain on Friday night and a little bit on Sunday,but a little bit more will do good.
When I was having the session with the medication manager,she gave me a phone number to get in touch with another group in the area.It is an anger management/conflict resolution group that I think will do me some good.I have been having some problems lately because I have been in an emotional funk ever since the sudden death of that support group at the church member.I have been saying angry things to myself pretending that there are people present.I feel that I do need some help in keeping this under control.Though I have been doing a good job of keeping my temper under control according to some of the people that I know,I still feel that I need some extra help.I would like to STOP saying angry things and statements to myself because I do not want to get myself into trouble like hurting myself or others.I could hurt myself where somebody could be scared of approaching me due to this or it could be a lot of other things that could happen.I am only going to pursue this because it is better to be safe than sorry.
Tomorrow is simply a work day.I am hoping that the day goes by well.
That was my day today and my hoped for day tomorrow.FJ

Tonight,I am feeling pretty good.I did not have too exciting of a day today.I simply ran an errand for my mom and I had a quick lunch over at a local shopping mall.When I got there,I was waiting on a parking spot because there was a Canadian man going into his truck and it looked like that he was going to leave but a few seconds later,another Canadian man in the truck next to his came out and it looked like that he might be asking directions.But all they both did was light up cigarette and started puffing.That really frosted me.I felt that this was a very inconsiderate thing to do.I was waiting on a parking spot and they just stood there smoking a "cancer stick" and talking.I even let them have it with how I felt about this little inconsideration.But they just gave me a dirty look,which roughly translated was "Who The Hell Is This Nutcase?"After that,I simply drove off and found another spot.Not where I wanted but better than nothing.The worst part of it was that the guy drove by me and gave me the finger.That really angered me because again,this guy was very inconsiderate in leading me to wait for a parking space and then smoke a cigarette with someone else while leaving others waiting.The 2nd worst part of it was that there was no mall security around to tell these guys how wrong they were.I don't mind Canadians coming here to shop because it helps keep our economy flowing.But to pull a stunt like this is not only inconsiderate but it is also 100% WRONG.Nobody should keep others waiting for parking spaces when they are needed.But I guess that it is a part of life.But sometimes,I wish that I did not have to put up with inconsiderate people.
Last night,my night of entertaining the crowd went over well.Not only that,a friend of mine,who I did not expect to see,popped in.We sat together at the same table and we bot went home together with me dropping him off.I had a nice quiet drive home afterwards.
Also,I had a talk with that other friend of mine who I have been trying to get together with for a while.When I did not get him earlier today,I thought that he was out with his new girlfriend.But he told me that he just started a new job and it was at a hotel.He also said that it was a 7 day a week job and it is going to take him about 2-3 weeks to get settled in with it.Again,we're still hoping to get together in teh near future.I do not know when but when it happens,I know that it will be a great thing.
For the rest of the night,I do not know what I am going to do.I might go out and have a quiet drink with a few of the people over at the place where I entertain.After that,when I get home,I might watch a movie before turning in for the night.
Tomorrow I have a appointment with the medication manager over at the local hospital.I am hoping that the session goes well.
That was my day today,my night last night and my hopes for the day tomorrow.FJ

Tonight,I am feeling okay.I had a very good day today.I simply ran a couple of errands for myself and my mom.I went to the bank to withdrawl some money and I also stopped at a yard sale and found some more record albums.The guy that was selling them let me have the 14 albums that I chose for $3.00.What a day.I went home afterwards and did some more personal PC work.While doing this,the mail came and a DVD set that I have been waiting on arrived.It was the 3 disc set The Chucky Collection of the 3 Child's Play sequels that Universal released during the 1990's.This now completes my Child's Play DVD collection.I was happy to get this with all the scene selections and all the other nice things.Again,my Child's Play DVD collection is complete.On Sunday night,I am going to watch Bride Of Chucky again after all these years.I have not seen it in a while.I did originally watch it on VHS when I initially purchased it as a previously viewed tape but now,I can preserve the video tape.
Tonight is my night to sing for the crowd.I can hardly wait to do that.I am hoping that the night goes well for me.Though I rarely,if ever,have an off night,I still hope for things to go well.You never know what might happen.But I am feeling hopeful and optimistic.I have a feeling that the night will go well.But still,I always hope.As for Sunday,I have made no decisions but whatever I do,I hope that it will be something that helps me out in a positive way.
Thatw as my day today and my hopes for tonight and for the next day.FJ

Tonight,I am feeling a little bit better that I have been.I had a very smooth work shift today.It went by pretty fast.I got quite a bit done and I was happy.Before I started,I had a nice green salad for lunch at work during the lunch time break and it was delicious.After I had my lunch,I did my job and as stated,the shift went by smoothly.After I dropped off the laundry,I picked up a couple of things at a supermarket,cashed my paycheck and went home.When I got home,I did some catching up on my personal PC work and I also did a viral scan while I ate dinner.The good news is that there are no viruses or spyware on my computer.I even talked with that one friend who I have been trying to get together with for so long and he was feeling down in the dumps due to some things going on in his personal life.I wished him the best of success in his job searching and I hoped that he does indeed find a job.He thanked me and when my mom called me for dinner,I told him that I had to go and he again thanked me for calling.
The weekend is finally here.I am glad for that.I can hardly wait to sing tomorrow night for my friends.I know that it will be something special indeed.This is what I always wait on every week and it always puts a smile on my face when the weekend comes.I am eager to entertain my friends and I am hoping that it all goes well.
That was my day today and my hopes for tomorrow night.FJ

Tonight,I am feeling mixed emotions.The work shift went by smoothly and even the errand that I ran for my mom went well.But when I got home,I tried to relax but I couldn't.I was lying down on my bed and all of a sudden,images of men in a sexual way were coming back.I had the same old dreams of being in a room with another man with the both of us in bed together and I was performing sexual acts on him and it led me to masturbation.I really felt bad and depressed about this.I asked the creator to forgive me and though I believed I was forgiven,I still felt guilty and miserable.But after taking a couple of St.John's Wart capsules,I felt better and I went to get dinner for me and mom.It was simple take out food from a local KFC and it was pretty good.We had homemade pasta salad as a side dish and it was good.I also had pasta for lunch at work today before I went home for the afternoon after my shift was over.I was tired and I wanted to get home.I have to do it again tomorrow afternoon and I am hoping that the shift goes well.
I am now at home and I am feling better.I do not feel depressed like I did earlier after the relapse.As stated,I have been on an emotional roller coaster ride as of late since the sudden death of a fellow support group at the church member died.I guess that it will take me a while to get over this sudden and tragic death of him.I have never been in a rut like this for as long as this.It has been a month and I have not really started to adjust to life after this.I know that I will but I need to take my mind off of this and I do need to really readjust after this negative and senseless tragedy.I am going to need all the support that I can get.I don't know whether I'm coming or going.Again,I desperately need to readjust.I am hoping that someone can help me.
As stated,tomorrow is a work day.I am hoping that the shift goes by well.After that,it's the weekend.
That was my day today and my hoped for day tomorrow.FJ

Tonight,I am feeling pretty good.I had a pretty good day today.The laundry pick up went well.There was no mess to clean.I simply dropped it off at the work site and after some time at the social club,I went home.On the way,I did manage to stop at a Burger King in my area and have a Whopper Jr. sandwich.I felt that this would tie me over until dinner.
When I got home,I simply watched a special feature on a new DVD that I bought and relaxed.I also layed down on my bed for a bit.I did so because I received the book that I was waiting on.The minute that I get the money to pay that friend of mine,I am going to send it to him.I managed to read some of the contributions that I shared and that was wonderful.It was great to finally read that and smile know that I accomplished something.It is great to contribute to something and share it with the entire world.
After a light dinner,I went to my support group meeting at the church and the meeting was wonderful.We are still feeling the pain of the death of that member who was taken from us so suddenly and at so young of age when he was working on a reconciliation with his family.It is a very tragic thing.Like the rest of my group,I am also feeling it.I have been on an emotional roller coaster ever since this happened.I am hoping that this is over soon.I don't think that I can stand it much longer.But I am going to tough it out and hope for the best.I know that he would not want me or any of the group to dwell on the fact that he is gone.I know that he would want us to move on with our lives and accept that he is no longer with us.I am going to work on that and I am hoping that this rut is over soon.
Tomorrow is a work day.I am hoping that the shift goes well.After that,I will do a favor for my mom and I will take it easy for the rest of the day.
That was my day today and my hoped for day tomorrow.FJ

Tonight,I am feeling pretty fair.I had a pretty smooth work day today.But it did go by slowly.But I managed to get a lot done.
I also managed to finally,on my break,get ahold of a friend of mine who I have been trying to get ahold of the past several days.He said that he had gone away for a while because he felt that he needed to get out of town for a while.I was relived that he was okay and well.I was worried about the guy because I did not hear from him and it really made me think that there was something wrong.But I am relieved that he is okay and that he is well.I am still looking forward to getting together with him and he is still hoping for the same thing.I hope that something will happen.I have not really seen this guy face to face in quite a while and I am hopingthat soon,we can see each other again.We have been having great conversations and that is great.Again,we are hoping to get together again.I hope that something comes of this.
When I got home,I managed to get an errand done for my mom and I also got some donuts from a local Tim Horton's.It was a nice change of pace from having ice cream.I enjoyed the nice little snack.I also managed to relax a bit in the afternoon.That too was great.
I am now at home relaxing.I am getting ready for tomorrow.I only have to do a little bit tomorrow and that is good.Tomorrow is simply a pick-up day and I am hoping that the pick-up goes smoothly.Tomorrow night is also my support group meeting at the church and I am hoping that the meeting also goes well.I am hoping that the day overall goes well.
I rescheduled my appointment with the medication manager at the local hospital.I did it this morning before leaving for work.Though it is only almost a wek away,I am hoping that the meeting goes well.
That was my day today and my hoped for day tomorrow.FJ

Happy Labor Day,Everybody!
Tonight,I am feeling okay.I had a pretty fair day today.I did not do too much.I never have much to do on holidays like this one.I stayed home for much of the day and I took it easy.It was a nice sunny day with only a small amount of humidity.But it was pretty good.I did not leave the house very much today except to run a coulpe of personal trips.I went out to get a couple slices of pizza as a small appetizer to tie me over until dinner.After dinner,I went out to get a battery for my watch so I can keep track of the time.My watch wore out one night and I waited to get a battery until I had the money.It was a cheap watch but the battery was replaceable and it does keep good time.After that,I came home and finished my personal PC work.It was a lot but I got it done.
I am now at home relaxing.It is evening at the moment and I am getting ready for the next day,which is a work day.I am hoping that the day goes by smoothly.I have been on an emotional rollercoaster as of late and I see,as far as this moment,that it is not going to end very soon.But I am hanging in there and I am still hoping that things will start working out for me.As stated previously,I am awaiting a book by a friend of mine,which he autographed,and I can not wait to check it out.I am still wondering how my contributions came out in the book.Again,I can hardly wait to receive it and to read it.WOW!I am hoping that it is a great work.
As stated,tomorrow is a work day.I am hoping that the day goes by smoothly.
That was my day today and my hoped for day tomorrow.FJ

Tonight,I am feeling okay.I had a pretty good day today.I did not do too much.I simply went and did some personal shopping for myself.I had to pick up a few things that I really needed.It was nothing much.It was just a few odds and ends.But I got it out of the way.The day was pretty nice and I had a pretty good time out today.
Last night,my night of entertaining the crowd went great.It was a pretty awesome night.I even tried out one new song last night.It was an old David Allan Coe song.I heard it on the juke box and I thought that I would do it.It was pretty tough to sing but I managed it very well because I did get a very positive reponse from the crowd.The rest of the songs were songs that I reaquainted myself with.I am hoping to try out a few new stuff this coming Saturday and I am hoping that it all works well.Again,it was a wonderful night and I had a blast.
I had a talk with a friend of mine from New Jersey and he's doing good.We talked for a short time but it was great to talk with him.Afterwards,I took it easy for a while.I also layed down for a bit on my bed listening to a few of the old fashioned 78's that I bought a few weeks ago from the old man at that garage sale.For the rest of the evening,I have not really decided what I am going to do.I might go out for a drink and socialize with a few people or I might just stay home.Whatever I do,I hope that it helps me in a positive way.
Tomorrow is Labor Day.It is nothing special because I always have a day off on Monday.But it is great to have a nice holiday where I can do some stuff.There will be nothing much open tomorrow.So,I just might take it easy and concentrate on the week ahead.
That was my day today.My night last night and my hopes for tomorrow.FJ

Tonight,I am feeling hopeful and optimistic.I had a pretty good day today.I went over to that friends house to pick up the money that he owed me and he had it.That was great.Afterwards,I went to a shopping mall in my town to get a haircut.I had to wait for nearly an hour to get it because there was a lot of customers in the mall and even the hair cut place.I did not mind.If I had to wait.I had to wait.The wait was well worth it.After the near hour was up,I went in and got my hair cut the way I wanted it.It was wonderful.After that,I stopped at a supermarket in my area to pick up a little thing for dinner on Monday.I also had to go to a drug store to pick up something for my mom.Overall,not too bad of a day.
When I got home,I took a bath and shaved.I ate dinner after cleaning up.It was just a small pizza.But it was great.After dinner,I took it easy and finished my personal PC work.I also relaxed in my room and listened to a little music.
Tonight is my night to go out and sing up a storm.I am hoping that the night goes well.Though I rarely,if ever,have an off night,I still hope for things to go well.You never know what might happen.But I am keeping my head up and I am remaining hopeful and optimistic.I still hope for a great night.
Tomorow is Sunday.I have not made any plans but whatever I do,I hope that it will help me in a very positive way.Monday is the holiday.I might just stay home and take it easy because there will not be too many places open.
That was my day today.My hopes for the nights tonight and my hopes for the rest of the weekend.FJ

Tonight,I am feeling pretty good.I had a very smooth work shift today.It was so smooth that it went very fast and I was glad when the time was over.After the loads that I had to get done were finished,I simply bagged them and dropped them off at the drug/alcohol rehab center.Afterwards,I went to the store for my mom and picked up a couple of things for the home.One thing was for dinner and another was strictly for the home.Overall,a pretty smooth work day.
When I got home from work,a video that I had been waiting on had arrived.I was worried that it would not show up because I was checking the Track & Confirm via the USPS website and there was no record of the shipment over the last few days.But today,when I got home,there it was in a Priority Mail envelope and I was excited.It was the ZOOM:Best of the '70's video.I even watched it after the local news tonight and it was awesome.It brought back some pretty good memories of my childhood before my dad took me to live with him.Before my dad took me away from here,I had some really pleasant memories here at this home but that "brief" visit with my dad,which lasted nine months,was what really mixed me up.I went from being a happy kid to being an angry young man later on struggling with this SSA gender identity disorder.This was the root cause of my struggles alongside the rejection by other males and the sexual abuse that I endured.But the pleasant stuff that I remembered watching the video was awesome and it was great to revisit the happiness that I felt at that particular time.But now,I am heading in the right direction and I am still working on overcoming and recovering from this rut that I am currently in.
I am glad that the weekend is here.I can hardly wait to entertain the crowd tomorrow at the place where I sing.I always look forward to that every Saturday night and I am hoping that the night goes well.
The only disappointing thing was that when I called that friend of mine who I have been trying to get together with,he was not home or maybe he was sleeping.I will call him again tomorrow afternoon and see if he is doing good.I also have to drop in on a friend who owes me money.But mainly,I want to see how he's doing and see if him and his live in girlfriend is doing good.
That was my day today and my hoped for day tomorrow.FJ

Tonight,I am feeling okay.I had a pretty smooth work day today.The shift went by pretty good and fast.It was like nothing happened.But I did get a lot done and that was great.Even the laundry pick-up today went by well.There was no mess to clean.I simply picked up the laundry and brought it to the work place to sort it out and get it done.Again,a very smooth work shift.
I also had an appointment with the substitute sexual abuse support counselor today and that meeting went by well.The lady that my regular counselor substituted for me is actually great.We talked about my life and some of the things that had happened when I was younger.The session was pretty short but I don't mind.I would much rather stretch it out over several sessions rather than talk about everything in one.That way,I always have some stuff to talk about each and every session and that way,my mind doesn't draw a blank when I get to the office for each and every session.Again,it was a great session and I am looking forward to the next one.
After the session,I did some grocery shopping for my mom because she needed some stuff for dinner tomorrow.It was not much.It was just several little things that I needed to get so we could have what my mom would like to fix.I am hoping that it all turns out well.Tomorrow is also pay-day and then there is the three day Labor Day weekend.Of course,Monday is always a day off to me so I am used to the thing.Still,I am just glad that there is a holiday coming up so I can concentrate on the next work day.
Earlier this afternoon,I had a talk with a friend of mine from North Carolina.I was surprised to hear from him so soon.I left a message on his voice mail and I did not expect to hear from him so soon.He told me that the book that he is working on is finished and ready to be sold.He also informed me that my copy is going to be placed in the mail today so I can receive it in a few days.I can hardly wait to get it.It is a book where I contributed some stuff to and I can hardly wait to see how my contributions come out.He also gave me some affirming words about my participation in the men's online inquiry forum.He told me that I was a very courageous man in sharing all of my life within the group and for being honest with the men in the forum and that I should keep it up.He also told me that I was one of the founding members in the forum.All of that made me feel a bit better and that was awesome to hear those words.I always enjoy talking to him because he always knows what to say at the right time.Again,I can hardly wait to receive that book.I can also hardly wait to read it.
Tomorrow is a work day.I am hoping that the shift goes well.After that,it's the weekend.
That was my day today and my hoped for day tomorrow.FJ

Tonight,I am feeling a little bit better than yesterday.Today was simply a pick up day and that went great.There was no mess to clean nor was there any problems of any sort.After dropping off the laundry at work site and sorting it out,I went straight home.While I was out doing my job,I did a special virus scan on my computer to see if there was anything in my database that should not have been in there because of the problems that I was having yesterday regarding why the screens were freezing on me.Thankfully,there was nothing in my computer database that woudl cause this.There were no viruses or spyware.It was a relief and I felt better about that.I also took a nap when I got home because I still felt a little tired due to a lack of sleep last night.The nap made me feel better.After my nap,I finished my personal computer work.
The current scandal from Washington concerning Senator Craig,who was caught trying to come on to that other guy in that restroom,really brought back things from my past.I started getting mental pictures of some of the things that I used to do in search of anonymous sex with other guys.Whenever I had anonymous encounters,they happened just about anyplace.Most of the times I had anonymous sex,which consisted mostly of me performing oral sex on another guy,happened in places like school bathrooms,in bushes or wooded areas surrounded mostly by trees so we could hide anywhere while I performed the sexual favor(?)on the other guy.It's a wonder why I never got caught doing that to them in those places.Sometimes I wished that someone did catch me mainly because I wanted to stop me and ask "WHY!?" or maybe try to steer me away from it.Yes it did bring back a lot of painful stuff that I was trying to put out of my mind but now they are coming back in the forms of mental pictures.It's like watching a video of yourself performing this activity non-stop on those other guys.I only performed the sexual act because it gave me a feeling of something.It was not a sexual feeling but as I later learned,it was a feeling of fulfillment that I received because I was looking to feel like a man and wanted something that I lacked.I wanted to be masculine and the feeling that sucking the cocks of other guys until they ejaculated in my mouth,which was followed by my swallowing of their ejaculate,was because I wanted masculinity and I was actually sucking them off just to be masculine.Of course,I was to later learn that giving blowjobs was no way of achieving this.The more you gave.The more emptiness you will feel.First,you will feel fulfilled but the feeling is temporary.The emptiness always comes back when the feeling of fulfillment wears off and you're back to where you were before you performed oral sex on the other guy.I also loved the feel that another man's genitals were giving me.That is what led me to become addicted to performing this activity on other guys because I felt that it was something that I really wanted to do and that being attracted to men and performing oral sex on them was an inevitability rather than a choice.Plus,I wanted to feel that good feeling every time I got the opportunity to do just that.I also have to admit that there were times that I did not want to because,at the same time,there were also conflicting emotions over this.While I felt that I was enjoying this and that it was inevitable that I did that,I still felt that this was not right to do nor did it make sense.But when they exposed their hard cocks,I gave in.Again,I was enjoying it even though I felt that this was not the thing for a guy like to do to another guy.But at the same time,I felt that since this was who I was and also felt that this was something that I had to do because of my cravings to feel those "false positive" feelings every time,I felt that there was no choice and that acting out was inevitable and that what I was doing and who I felt that I was in that sense was the essence of who I really was.But now,I am smarter and I now know that acting out is a choice and not an inevitability.Whenever I get the feelings of emptiness,I can now find healthy ways of fulfilling my needs and how I can feel like a man without performing anything sexual on a man.Acting out sexually is a choice and not something I have to do all because of the environmental factors that lead me to become Homosexual(i.e.Gay)and also,the years of sexual abuse that I endured all because I was being used as a little plaything for all those selfish bastards who did not care about how I felt regarding this stuff.Yes,I admit it.There were times that I did because I wanted to do it because they were the moments when I was really hungry and starving and I was going crazy about feeling that way and saying to myself,but not loudly,"I just gotta suck some guy's dick!I am starving!I gotta suck some guy off!I need to feel those feelings again!I need swallow some guy's cum!I gotta suck some guy's dick!"When the opportunity presented itself,I gave in when asked and I did feel better.But again,the haunting reality of emptiness would come back after those good feelings faded and as usual,I was back to where I started from.But again,I know that I am now free from being enslaved to the image of a naked man with an erection.I am glad that I can now fulfill my needs in a healthy way and not perform anything sexual on a guy.I now have knowledge and I can now think before I act.It is great that I no longer have to perform oral sex on another guy to feel fulfilled.If I continued to do that everytime I turned around,I would be doing that for the rest of my life and to forever be addicted to giving blowjobs until the day I die.Thank God I'm free.I stil get the desires but now,I can choose whether to act out on them or not.
My support group meeting at the church tonight went great.It was wonderful to relieve myself of some more emotional baggage and share what went on with me during the last few days.It was wonderful to be heard and to hear the other men.I am looking forward to next week's meeting.I hope that it goes as well as tonight's.
Tomorrow is another work day.I am hoping that the shift goes well.
That was my day and my hoped for day tomorrow.FJ

Tonight,I am feeling mixed emotions.The work day went by smoothly but for much of the day,I was very depressed.I did not know why that I was.It just happened.I guess that I was still disappointed that I did not get to see the medication manager over at the local hopsital yesterday.I was also feeling somewhat tired.Again,the work day went by smoothly but I was feeling depressed.I am hoping that I will feel better after a good night's sleep.
This afternoon,when I got home,I simply took it easy for a while before doing anything.Though the work day went well,I was tired and I thought that I would rest and take it easy for a while.I did do my personal computer work this afternoon but I had some computer issues.My computer froze on me twice today.It was so bad that I had to pull the plug on it to unfreeze it and start all over again.I did go out earlier this evening looking for herbal tea that can help ease my mood when I get the occasional spell of the blues.Today was no exception as I was feeling down.
I guess another reason I am feeling down is because I am trying to initiate helathy relationships with other guys.You see,I gave my phone number to a few guys that I knew in hopes that they would call me and we can arrange a little get together.But I have not heard anything from them and I am wondering what is going on.I also know a few guys who do have an addiction to sex and I think that this is all they care about.It is a shame when a guy like me who is struggling with emotional issues is trying to seek support from his fellwo man and he is not getting it.Nobody told me that this was going to be easy but this is ridiculous.What is the problem?Is there something I did wrong?If so,What is it?I would like to know.The mere fact that I have not heard from them is what's contributing to my depression.I will keep trying to initiate these things.I am still holding on to the hope that something will happen.
Tomorrow is simply a pick-up day.I am hoping that this goes well.Tomorrow night is my support group meeting at the church.I am hoping that the meeting goes well,too.
That was my day today and my hoped for day tomorrow.FJ

Tonight,I am feeling mixed emotions.The reason why I am feeling this way is because I had high hopes for attending that appointment today with the medication manager over at the local hospital but it was cancelled.Apparently,the manager did not come into the office today and the appointment recording secretary called me to inform me of the cancellation.I have to call the hospital back in the near future to reschedule the appointment.I am hoping that I get ahold of her soon so I can do that.I had high hopes but those hopes came crashing down.OH WELL!
I did manage to find a suitable replacement for the day.I went to visit a friend of mine who owned a music store to show him the Elvis video that I bought a few nights ago.He told me that it was a good find and that I should take good care of it.After that,I had a pasta lunch at a small local restaurant.I also ran an errand for my mom and I stopped at a couple of Salvation Army thrift shops and found some more collectable records at both of them.Despite the disappointment,I had a pretty good day but now I have to wait a while before I can unload all of what I wanted to unload today with the medication manager at the hospital.I am hoping that I do not have to wait too long.I am going to call the hospital tomorrow and I am hoping that I can reschedule the appointment sooner than expected.
Tomorrow is a work day.I am hoping that the day goes by smoothly.
That was my day today and my hoped for day tomorrow.FJ

Tonight,I am feeling okay.I had a not too exciting day today.I simply ran a few errands for my mom and went to visit a friend of mine for short time.He is doing pretty good.The only major disappointment of the day was that I was hoping to get together with a friend who I had been hoping to get together with but he was not home.He was out with his girlfriend.Though it did disappoint me,I did manage to talk with him on the phone for a half hour today.He sadi that we would have to play it by ear and see what happens.I am hoping to get together with him soon.I have not seen him in quite some time.I hope that it happens soon.
I did manage to stop at a few garage sales today.I picked up a lot of stuff at one.It was a bunch of video tapes and a couple more record albums.The person running the sale was a person who I had not seen in quite a while.It was an old school mate of mine.It was great to see him.I also ran into a young lady who I have not seen in quite a while.She was surprised that I remembered her and what she used to do in high school and who she used to go out with.It was awesome running into these people after all these years.It was also awesome finding all these great collectables.
Last night,my night of entertaining the crowd was a big success.There was a pretty big crowd at the place last night.It was really neat.I had a blast and it was great.I am looking forward to doing it again next week.
For the rest of teh evening,I have not made any plans.But I think that I might go out and have a drink with a few people at the place where I sing.If I do,I will make it short because I have something that I have to do tomorrow.
Tomorrow is my day off.I do have something that I need to do tomorrow afternoon.I have an appointment with the medication manager at the local hospital.I hope that the meeting with her goes well.
That was my day today and my hoped for day tomorrow.FJ