Tonight,my rocky road to recovery continues moving forward.

Today was a work day and it went well.After it was over,I headed for home.
When I got home,I relaxed and did a little bit of cleaning work in the house.
Later on,after my evening meal,I did my personal PC work.I relaxed for a while and just reflected on the day and how well the work day was.I did some more personal PC work and then,retired for the evening as I was getting tired.A very good day overall.

In my SSA struggles,I talked about the abuse that I suffered at the hands of my father and my paternal grandmother's refusal to acknowledge me as her grandson.I would like to add that before my father did his negative handiwork on me when I was a boy,I had no emotional problems.I felt no pull of any sort towards other boys.I did have crushes on a few older ladies and such.I also did like girls as well in some ways and saw that they were cool.However,as I have shared that when I was between the age of 8-9 years old,that is when my father took me away from my mother and laid his negative handiwork on me.He made me a young man full of anger and rage that continues to burn within me to this day.Even my mother's boyfriend at the time angrily asked my father during the bitter custody battle that followed between my mother and father "What did you do to that boy to make him like that?" and my father answered him very nastily "I gave that boy good old fashioned Christian discipline."Of course,it was Legalism as I learned years later.He deprived me of things that I enjoyed and took away a lot of things that I cherished.He made me a slave in his own house and wouldn't let me have what I had when I was with my mother.I really didn't need my father in my life as I had quite a few positive male role models that were pointing me in the right direction and I was happier.His so called "Christian discipline" ruined me and made me the emotional,confused and mental wreck that I am.I still seek healing and I will continue to seek healing until I get it.Plus,my father deprived me of things I enjoyed,such as the TV shows I liked,the music I liked and imposed his own thing on me.The only music allowed was Gospel music and anything related to it and only Christian based shows instead of the things I enjoyed.

I also want to bring up something else that came to my mind today.This came to my mind while I was on my lunch hour at work.There was another thing that my father did to me that also added to how I feel and the intense anger and rage that goes along with it.My father also never let me get involved in extracurricular activities after school.I wanted to get involved with these things as I did when I was still living with my mother.My father wouldn't let me do anything I wanted to do.Not only that,I was always invited to birthday parties and get together's with other kids from school,but again,my father would never let me go to these things.His reason or excuse,depending on the point of view of others,was because of my "unChristian behavior".I mean,what "unChristian behavior"?This is yet another case where showing emotion got me punished as when I showed how I felt about his constant refusal to let me do anything that I wanted to do,I got punished.I got so mad and angry that I slammed the door every time this would happen,but again,for showing one ounce of emotion,I was punished severely and after he would slap me around with anything he could pick up,he would then say "That unChristian behavior is what I am talking about! That is something a two year old would do when they don't get their way!"He would always say "like a two year old" constantly whenever I expressed anything on how I felt.I was still a mere child back then as I was 8 and later 9 years of age.Is saying that "Only a two year old would do something like that" a mere stereotype.I want to know.Please answer this question for me.Thanks.

There is another area that I would like to talk about that contributed to my SSA and other emotional,and mental,issues.I was also the target of bullies in school.I was bullied by many kids when I was going to school.I was called names,such as retard,retarded,freakazoid,freaky boy,psycho and just plain freak.I was also the target of threats from these bullies.They not only threatened me with violence,but also threatened my life as well many times.This was because of my being in special education starting with the fourth grade and was in special ed until graduation.I was also harassed by many kids and no matter how many times I demanded them to "Leave me alone",they wouldn't.They kept harassing me by not only threatening me,but threw rocks at me,called me names and even pushed me against the wall many times.When I was a freshman in high school,many jerks and meanies would say things like; "Satan's gonna get you! Watch out,Satan's gonna get you!"Though it was half heartedly,I would always respond by saying "Not if the lord and savior Jesus Christ has anything to say or do about it."Of course, they would laugh wickedly at this thinking that it was a joke.One tough guy tried to strangle me to death,but his girlfriend and a couple of his other friends pulled him away.I was also the target of all sorts of violence by the bullies and anyone that they could get to join them in their assaults of me.I suffered this so much and the worst part of it was the school administrators did little if nothing to stop the bullying.I was the one getting into trouble for being bullied while the bullies got off scot free or got a slap on the wrist.It was like the bullies were the ones running the school and the administrators who were supposed top be the ones enforcing the rules were simply sitting on their butts letting it happen.This was terrible as I went through it most of my academic life.I could never be the student I could've been as a result of being in special ed,being the target of bullies and also,most of the bullies and tough guys were in the same classroom as I was,which made it really tough.Not only that,when I was 17,I nearly lost my life when I was chased into the path of two cars one night.I was struck by one and run over and dragged by the second.I could've died if it weren't for a passer-by getting into the street and signifying the driver who was dragging me to stop,which he did,but I was seriously injured and the doctors who operated on me didn't give me a good chance of survival as a result and the extent of my injuries.However,I pulled through and lived to tell about it as it is a night that is still locked in my mind.Though I did start having friends after that and I had a wonderful senior year,whose memories I still cherish to this day.Still,being bullied and threatened by the bullies who bullied me around were another contributor to my SSA struggles,alongside my mental and other emotional problems.It was like that I was reliving what my own father did to me because their bullying me was no different than the abusive ways that my father unleashed upon me during the brief time I spent with him when I was between the age of 8-9 years of age.All of that made my anger and rage worse as there were times I imagined them getting their due for all of the terrible things they did to me.Believe me,I really thought of some terrible things that I wished would happen to them as a result of their terrible things that they did to me.Of course,it was wrong of me to even imagine these things,but that was the way that I felt at the time.Again,I learned that imagining these things was as wrong as the bullying that they did to me and I later stopped doing that.It also showed me that it was no different than what they did to me.Again,my school years did end on a positive note,though I still remember all the bullying and threats that I received during the vast majority of my school years.I did further my education a little in the years after graduation,but I now have a wonderful job that I'm proud of and where I'm very much appreciated.

Still,I need prayerful support and also,I still need some positive verbal encouragement and spiritual upbuilding.Thanks for your support.Thanks also to both my heavenly Father and his son Jesus Christ.
Tomorrow is the start of the weekend.I have to work in the morning to make up the three hours that I didn't work on Thursday tomorrow and church as usual on Sunday.I hope that it will be a nice weekend for me.FJ

Possible Triggers. My Apologies if Anything Negative Comes To Anyone Reading This.

Tonight,my rocky road to recovery continues moving forward.
Today,it was a work day and the half a day I had went a little better than yesterday.It wasn't too hectic,but again.it was a little better.When it was noon,I headed for home.
When I got home,I immediately jumped into the shower to clean up as I really needed it.After that,I shaved my face too look neat and after that,I got dressed again to head for my therapist's office.
However,when I got there,I learned that my appointment was rescheduled and after getting the new appointment time,I headed back home.
When I got home,I relaxed and did my personal PC work.After that was done,I went back out to turn in some bottles and cans at a local supermarket.I headed home again after that.
When I got home,I relaxed for the rest of the evening and did some more personal PC work.I later retired for the evening.A very good day overall.
My struggles with SSA are still getting worse instead of better.
Last night,while in bed,I couldn't sleep much as I had a hard time getting to sleep.I tossed and turned,but still had a tough time getting to sleep,though I did take my medication at the time that I was supposed to take it.
As a result of this tough time getting to sleep,I gave into temptation last night and it due to one of the perversions that I have,which I still will not discuss as I don't want to have any triggers set off on anyone.I manipulated my genitalia and wound up at the point of orgasm and then,masturbated the rest of the way until ejaculation.I felt miserable after giving into this terrible temptation.I also felt plain lousy and sad as a result.It was also a crushing weight on me because I sinned terribly.Though I did dose off,I still felt the same way I did last night as a result of my giving into this terrible temptation.I feel like that I'm the worst sinner of all as a result of my continuation of giving into these terrible temptations as the Apostle Paul said in his letters to Christians that he wrote to.I know that our Heavenly Father looks at all of us equally as in his eyes,there is no worse sinner than another,but I still feel like that I'm the worst as a result of giving into these awful urges as they don't give me anything but feelings of guilt,shame and sadness,which I always feel when I do give in as I really don't want to anymore.
I also want to share some more things as a continuation of the last few days.As I have mentioned in my last previous posts on her,my father was very abusive towards me when I was in between the ages of 8-9 years old.He both physically and emotionally abused me.The reason he used was that he was a "Christian" (i.e. born-again) and that he was using "Good old fashioned Christian discipline" on me.He repeatedly beat me with leather belts or anything that he could get his hands on to physically hurt me.He also emasculated me lots of times by calling me terrible names,such as stupid,worthless,dumb and that I would never amount to anything.He also took away my right of self expression and would always use drastic measures on me to ensure that I would never express myself nor even open my mouth.I was also physically beaten by my father when I had to stay after school for some behavioral mistake that I made,which only added insult to injury.No matter how many times that I said that I was sorry,it never did me any good as to him,saying that you're sorry doesn't cut it.Later on,in the ensuing years,I later learned that it wasn't really "Christian discipline" that he used,but Legalism in a theological sense.He was very loud and very abusive.I suffered the worst of it because I was his son and also,a boy.I felt these negative effects all over myself.Before all of that,I was a happy kid and loved being who I was,but after my father took me away from my mother and imposed his negative handiwork on me,I went from being a happy kid to being a young man full of intense anger and rage,which I haven't been able to overcome and recover from as nobody ever pointed me in the direction of resolving this in the right way.This,topped with the non-acknowledgement of my own paternal grandmother only made me feel hurt,angry,sad and full of rage.I am still feeling these negative effects of what happened during that brief time that I was with my father.
As a result of this,I wound up not only having emotional problems,but also wound up with Schizoaffective Disorder,which is a combination of Schizophrenia and Bipolar Disorder.This double whammy is why I am in the rut that I am in and also,my mental illness is making my struggles with SSA much more difficult.I still haven't overcome my emotional problems and I would love to overcome and recover from them.
I did later learn from one of my siblings that our father also possibly went through the same thing with his mother that I went through as she being my grandmother.This could mean that my father is also a tortured person himself,but the point is that there is no excuse to be abusive towards your own children in any way.There is no excuse to be abusive towards children or anyone.Abuse can scar someone for life and the scars from the abuse can take a long time to heal.These scars that I have are what caused me to have these problems,both emotional and mental.I crave healing and affirmation,but haven't been able to get these things.I am still seeking ways that I can get away from these problems and seek solutions,but also haven't succeeded.I am still yearning and hoping to find the right counseling and right affirming stuff so I can finally heal and get more out of my life,but again,I have not been able to find them.
I even checked for Christian counselors,but none of them are in my home area.I feel lost as a result of this,but I will keep checking and searching.I am hoping that one day I will finally get what I need to put me on the path to reclaiming my true identity and get the affirmations that I need to reclaim it.
I still need prayerful support.I also still need encouraging comments and spiritual upbuilding in the comments section.I just want to stop this fantasizing and lusting that I have been giving in to as of late as these things are unhealthy and don't give the right feeling or affirming that I need as it only feeds the immoral tendencies that go along with the fantasizing and lusting as lust is something that the Holy Bible,and it's author,our Heavenly Father,condemns.Please continue praying for me.Please continue to leave me some encouraging words and spiritual upbuilding in the comments section.Thanks for your continued support.Thanks also to both my Heavenly Father and his son Jesus Christ.
Tomorrow is a work day and I hope that all goes well.FJ

Tonight,my rocky road to recovery continues moving onward.
I had a very hectic work day today.It was one thing after another with not only the clients of the facility,but also,a few particular staff members as well.I had to drop one thing to accommodate and work faster than ever to get the job done within the specific time that I had to do it.After it was over,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I changed into pajama pants and I ate my meal.I also did a little bit of work on the outside and did some cleaning work on the inside.I relaxed and did my personal PC work.I was glad when the work day ended as it was a very hectic day.I was also glad to be home so I could relax and take it easy.I later retired for the evening and again,a very hectic day overall.
As I reported last night,this SSA struggle seems to be getting worse for me instead of better.I still feel like I'm stuck in the middle of the road between Homosexuality and Heterosexuality.I have given into terrible temptation after terrible temptation.Every time I give into these things,I also feel lousy and terrible afterwards.I just can't seem to break free from this vicious cycle or trap that I'm in.Sexual images of men in general cloud my mind and it gets worse and worse.I try to shake loose,but can't seem to do so.
What is wrong with me?
What am I doing wrong?
What can I do to stop this vicious cycle or trap?
Last night,I shared about the intense anger that I feel with my father.I feel it for all the physical and emotional abuse he did to me during the time I was between the ages of 8-9 years of age.He never let me express myself and when I tried to do so,I was punished by him thinking that it was the demons talking through me and he would also hold me down until he felt the evil spirits were out of me.I was also punished when I got sick constantly.My father also deprived me of things that I loved and enjoyed because he felt that those things were of Satan and his evil demons and said that he didn't want them in his house,which he tried to make into "The perfect little Christian home" free of all worldly influences,but it only added to my emotional problems and issues instead of being anything beneficial.I was an emotional wreck and I still haven't been able to overcome the negative effects of it all as nobody ever pointed me in the right direction of wanting to overcome these things.
Aside from my father,I also feel intense anger towards my paternal grandmother,who was my father's mother.Though she has been dead for over a decade,I am still feeling the anger that I have for her.She never acknowledged me after the death of my paternal grandfather,who died when I was six years old and was more like a father to me at that time than my own father was in my lifetime.She acknowledged her other grandchildren,but not me or my older siblings.To her,I simply didn't exist.She refused to even recognize me as her grandson.This really hurt me and at times,made me sad where I felt like crying,but held back all of the tears.Though she is dead,I still feel the anger,sadness and hurt that she caused by her refusal to acknowledge me as her grandson.She also didn't talk very nicely to me either when I did talk with her during her lifetime on a few occasions.She just didn't want to talk to me unless she was forced to by someone else within the family.
I also want to share something in regards to this SSA struggle that I have.This particular struggle made me realize that I had perversions that I never thought I had nor would even think of having.I won't mention what these perversions are as I don't want to trigger anything in anyone.
Why?
Because these perversions are terrible,degrading and inappropriate.I don't want to scare anyone away from me either,so I won't mention them nor will I talk about them and again,I don't want to trigger any negative effects in anyone reading this.Please don't ask me to describe nor talk about these perversions.I am hoping that they will fade when I find what I have to do right just so I can feel stronger and not be giving into them constantly.
I feel so ashamed that I have these perversions.I don't want to have them anymore nor even feel them.
I am hoping that I can find what I need to get rid of these things and start towards what I need to heal and finally get control of this terrible SSA struggle and again,move on and finally feel the real healing that I need.
If anyone can help,please do so.I still need to be assured and reassured that I'm not alone in this struggle,although I feel that I'm alone in this struggle at times.
Please continue praying for me.Please continue to share some verbal encouragement and spiritual upbuilding in the comments sections as I need all of these things to keep going.Thanks to all of you and Thanks to both my Heavenly Father and his son Jesus Christ.
Tomorrow is a work day in the morning and in the afternoon,I have to see my therapist.I am hoping that both of these things go well with me.Thanks again to all of you and to my Heavenly Father and his son Jesus Christ.FJ

Tonight,my rocky road to recovery continues moving onward.
Today,it was a work day and it went well,despite a few setbacks.After it was over,I headed straight home.
I relaxed for a while and had my evening meal.I also did my personal PC work.I later prepared to retire for the evening.A very good day overall.
I am still struggling terribly with SSA.I have given into temptations to fantasize and lust with sexual images of men.These images have flooded my mind so much.I don't know what to do or how to get rid of them.
I have fallen into sin by giving into the urges to fantasize and lust.
This SSA struggle that I have seems to be getting worse.
I don't know what's wrong with me.
I don't know why I don't know if I'm coming or going.
I don't know why I can't stop giving into these terrible urges.
I also discovered that I have this intense anger deep within me.I don't know why I have this intense anger burning deep within me.
I have a feeling that this intense anger burning within me has a lot to do with the way that I feel about my father,especially because he physically and emotionally abused me during a brief period within my childhood.I have this intense anger,which is like a ticking time bomb set to exploded when the wrong this is said by somebody.I also feel anger towards those who bullied me when I was younger.I also feel anger towards people who said that they loved me,but they lied to me,especially with the religious groups that I used to follow.Is it possible that feel angry with myself?
I don't know what to do.I want to stop these things,but feel that I am unable.I also want to get rid of all of these angry feelings and issues that I have.This anger that I have is really burning within me.
If anyone can help,please help me by posting encouraging words in the comments section.Please help me by praying for me.I need all the prayerful support that I can get.I also need some spiritual upbuilding as well.Please provide that as well.
I approved a comment by someone who stopped by today.I am grateful that he did that.Thanks.
I still need more support.I am hoping to get some more soon.
Tomorrow is a work day and I hope that all goes well.FJ

Tonight,my rocky road to recovery continues moving onward.
Today was a simple work day.I went to work and went home after it was done.
I did my personal PC work while at home and went out to get a couple of things for my evening meal.I headed for home.
I ate my meal at home and I did some more personal PC work.I later retired for the evening.A very good day overall.
I am still terribly struggling with SSA.
I gave into temptations earlier today.It was in my office at work while on a short break.I really felt miserable about this and it really ate at me like something that I can't describe.
I have been posting about my struggles and being open and not hiding anything,but nobody has left anything in the comments section.
I keep asking for encouraging words and spiritual upbuilding,but nobody has left anything.
I am really struggling right now.I need some help.I need positive verbal encouragement.I also need some spiritual upbuilding.
I feel that everybody who has read my blog before have given up on me.Please don't give up on me.I need people to be behind me in my struggle.I need to know that I'm not alone,though I do feel alone right now.
Please pray for me.Please leave me some positive verbal support,in the forms of positive encouragement and spiritual upbuilding,in the comments section.
I need support.I need people to be behind me.Please let me know if you're still with me.
Thanks in advance for offering encouragement and upbuilding.Thanks also to my Heavenly Father and his son Jesus Christ.
Tomorrow is a work day and I hope that all goes well.FJ

Tonight,my rocky road to recovery continues moving forward.
This morning,after having coffee and cleaning up a little,I got dressed up and headed for church for both the morning's Holy Bible study class and the worship service afterwards.
Both the class and the worship service were wonderful.After some wonderful fellowship,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I relaxed and did my personal PC work.I also went out to lunch at a Chinese restaurant and headed back home after that.
When I got home,I relaxed for a while again while doing more personal PC work.I then later went back out to a local supermarket to pick up a few things and even picked up a sandwich at a local McDonald's.I also bought some fries at a local Wendy's before heading straight home again.
When I got home,I ate my sandwich and fries and did some more personal PC work.I also did a little bit of cleaning work in the house.Later on,I prepared to retire for the evening.A wonderful and eventful day overall.
I am still terribly struggling with SSA.It has been very difficult for me these last few weeks.
I have been giving into terrible temptations constantly.I don't know why I do.
I still continue to ask myself "What am I doing wrong?"
I also still continue to ask myself "What can I or have to do to stop giving into these terrible temptations?"
I feel that I'm failing my Heavenly Father and his son Jesus Christ every time I give in to these terrible temptations.I don't want to fail them,but I feel that I am.
I am still seeking advice from anyone who can help me.I feel that I'm all alone in this struggle.
Please continue praying for me.Please leave me some positive verbal support,such as encouragement and spiritual upbuilding,in the comments section.I need all the help and support that I can get.I need to know that there are still people who are behind me all the way.I also need to know that nobody has given up on me.Please pray for me and support me though encouragement and spiritual upbuilding.Thanks to all of you and Thanks to my Heavenly Father and his son Jesus Christ.
Tomorrow is a work day and I hope that all goes well.FJ

Tonight,my rocky road to recovery continues moving onward.
Today was a pretty fair day for me.I had really nothing to do,so I just hung out at home for a while and did my personal PC work.I also went out for lunch at a local restaurant.After that,I went home and did more personal PC work.I went back out to pick up some cold medicine and had a sandwich at a local McDonald's.I headed back home again and did some more personal PC work.I later retired for the evening.A pretty fair day overall.
I'm still struggling terribly with SSA.I am still being tempted to indulge in fantasies and lusting.
These temptations are very overwhelming.They keep coming back to me.
I don't want to be tempted.I also don't want to give into these temptations.They are terrible.
I need some help and support.Please help me and give me the support that I need.
Please pray for me.Please leave me some positive verbal support in the comments section.
I need encouragement from all of you.I also need some spiritual upbuilding from all of you.
Your support,both prayerful and positive verbal,means a lot to me.Please help me and offer me some advice on how I can overcome these terrible things.Thanks to all of you and Thanks to both my Heavenly Father and his son Jesus Christ.
Tomorrow is a church day.I will be going tomorrow morning.FJ

Tonight,my rocky road to recovery continues moving forward.
Today was a work day,which went well.After it was over,I did a little shopping at a local Dollar General store.I headed for home after that.
I relaxed when I got home and I did my personal PC work.I later had a light meal and did a little bit more personal PC work before retiring for the evening.A very good day overall.
Earlier in the day,I gave into temptation to fantasize and lust after other men.Yes,I did and I also masturbated to these images.I felt so ashamed at this.I did ask my Heavenly Father to forgive my sins and begged for his mercy for the sake of his son Jesus Christ.I prayed long and hard and though I do believe that I am forgiven,I still felt the guilt and shame for giving into these terrible temptations.
I don't want to feel guilt and shame.I want to feel better and totally believe that I am forgiven for my sins without still feeling guilt and shame.
I also don't want to give into these terrible temptations anymore,but I keep giving in to them.I don't know why.
I keep asking myself "What's Wrong With Me?"
I also ask myself "Why can't I stop giving in to these terrible temptations?"
I also ask myself "Why do I keep giving in to these terrible temptations?"
I need help,but it seems that nobody wants to help me.I get a lot of visitors and readers,but nobody leaves me any comments.They also don't tell me that they're praying for me.
Please let me know that you're praying for me.Please leave me some positive verbal support in the comments section.I need some encouragement and spiritual upbuilding.I also need to know that none of you are giving up on me.I have been baring all here,but nobody makes any comments or anything.
Please let me know that you're all still praying for me.I also would appreciate some positive verbal support and spiritual upbuilding.
I also want to know that none of you are giving up on me.I need to know these things.Please say something that I could use.Thanks to all of you and Thanks to my Heavenly Father and his son Jesus Christ.
For this weekend,all I have is church on Sunday as usual.I have nothing else planned.FJ

Tonight,my rocky road to recovery continues onward and forward.
Today,I went to work and despite some ups and downs,it was a fairly moderate day.After it was over,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I relaxed for a while and did some personal PC work.After that,I went back out to the local Super Wal-Mart to pick up a few things.I headed straight home after that.
When I got home,I had a light meal and did some more personal PC work.I later retired for the evening.A day full of ups and downs,but not too bad overall.
I am still struggling with fantasies and lusting.Images of men in a sexual way keep clouding my mind.
I don't know what to do.I don't know how to go about resolving this.
I have been asking for advice,but nobody wants to comment.I remember when I first started this healing process,I was doing well.But then,I don't know what happened,but I wound up falling into sin by fantasies and lusting and now,I feel trapped within a vicious cycle of falling into sin repeatedly and asking for forgiveness when I do.
I need some help.I need advice.I need someone to spiritually upbuild me.I need help so desperately.I don't know whether I'm coming or going.
I also still need prayerful support.I also need some verbal encouragement and spiritual upbuilding in the comments section.Please leave me an encouraging word or two and some spiritual upbuilding in the comments section.Please pray for me.Please leave me some encouraging words and verbal support.Thanks.
Tomorrow is a work day and I hope that it goes better than today.FJ

Tonight,my rocky road to recovery moves forward and onward.
Today was another work day for me.It was a mixed day,but I did get a few accomplishments done.After it was over,I went to Walgreen's to pick up something I really needed and headed straight home.
When I got home,I relaxed from my hard day at work and had a light meal.I did my personal PC work and relaxed for the rest of the evening until it was time to retire for the evening.A very good,but mixed day,overall.
Today,earlier in the day.I again gave into the temptation to fantasize and lust after other men.Yes,I masturbated to these images that I fantasized and lusted after.I felt so ashamed when I did this terrible thing.I also felt terrible.I also feel that I self abused myself.This has been a terrible cycle for me.I gave into temptations again.I felt miserable,ashamed and hated myself for doing so.Though I did ask my Heavenly Father to forgive me for my sins in the name of his son Jesus Christ,I still feel terrible and guilty that I did these terrible things.
I have been falling into sin so much lately.I don't know why I have been doing so.I fall and then seek forgiveness,but after that,I fall again and seek forgiveness.It has been becoming a vicious cycle of falling so much into sin and asking forgiveness.I am truly sorry for what I have done,but the feelings of guilt and shame have been way too overwhelming.
I have been seeking help from all of my readers.People visit my blog,but don't leave anything in the comments section.I have also been saying things to myself angrily that are terrible and inappropriate.I don't know how to stop.I have been falling a lot lately and it's been making me feel miserable and shameful.I am ashamed of myself for giving into these terrible temptations to sin by fantasies and lusting after images of men flowing through my mind.
Again,I have been seeking help from those who have been reading my posts,but nobody leaves anything in the comments section.Please leave me some positive verbal support.I need encouragement and spiritual upbuilding.I also need prayers by all of you.Please continue praying for me.I need all the support that I can get.Thanks and Thanks to my Heavenly Father and his son Jesus Christ.
Tomorrow is another work day and I hope that it all goes well.FJ

Tonight,my rocky road to recovery continues moving forward.My day was very good.
Today,I went to work and after work,I went to vote and get a tire on my car fixed.
I headed over to a local Dollar Tree store to pick up a few things.I headed straight home.
When I got home,I relaxed and had a light meal.I also did my personal PC work.I then later prepared for my evening retirement.A very good day overall.
I am still struggling terribly with SSA.This SSA struggle is terrible.SSA is also a terrible emotional condition.
I have given into temptations in this struggle.I am having a very hard time at the moment.
I have given into too many temptations.I need help.I need people to be there for me.I need people to say that they are behind me all the way.I also need understanding and support.
I need a lot of` prayers right now.Please pray for me.I also would appreciate some positive verbal support in the comments section.I need all the support that I can get.Please pray for me and leave me some positive verbal support.I also would appreciate some spiritual upbuilding and support.
Your support really matters to me.Thanks to all of you and Thanks to both my Heavenly Father and his son Jesus Christ.
Tomorrow is another work day and I hope that all goes well.FJ

Tonight,my rocky road to recovery continues moving forward.Today was very good.
I headed for work today and it went well.It ended with me taking a necessary and required test,which I passed.I headed straight home after that.
When I got home,I relaxed for a while and did my personal PC work.I later went out to get something to eat.
I headed home and ate a light meal and showered.I then later retired for the evening.A very good day overall.
I am still struggling terribly with this terrible SSA.Early this morning,I gave into temptation again.Yes,I did.I admit it.It was fantasizing and lusting after other men again.
I don't know what's wrong.
Why do I keep doing this?
Why can't I stop?
What's making me do these things that I don't want to?
I need help.I need support.I need all of you to help me and support me.Pl;ease leave me some positive verbal support in the comments section.Please pray for me.
I need some positive spiritual upbuilding.I also need some encouragement.I need prayerful support.
Please pray for me.Please continue to leave me some positive verbal support in the comments section.I need support right now.Please do so.I want to stop doing these things.If anyone can help out in the forms of advice and spiritual upbuilding,please do so.I would really appreciate that.Thanks to all of you and Thanks to both my Heavenly Father and his son Jesus Christ.
Tomorrow is another work day and I hope that it goes well.FJ

Tonight,my rocky road to recovery continues moving forward.
Today,I went to church in the morning and it was wonderful.After some wonderful fellowship,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I got out of my suit and helped with some cleaning up around the house.
After that was done,I showered and later on,I had a light evening meal.
When it was getting late,I prepared to retire for the evening.A wonderful and eventful day overall.
I am still struggling terribly with SSA.I gave into temptation during the wee early morning hours.I really felt terrible after that.I did ask to be forgiven by my Heavenly Father and I did feel better,although the guilt of giving into these terrible temptations was really overwhelming.
I still feel like I'm stuck in the middle between Homosexuality and Heterosexuality.I still don't know whether I'm coming or going.This terrible SSA struggle that I have is getting worse by the day for me.
I am sick and tired of this struggle.It's terrible and seems to be getting unbearable for me.I am tired of giving into thee terrible temptations.
If anyone can help me,please help me.I need some positive verbal support in the comments section.I also still need prayerful support.Please pray for me.Please leave me some encouraging words,especially some spiritual upbuilding,which can be scriptures from the Holy Bible.I also would like some advice as well.
Please pray foe me.Please leave me some positive verbal encouragement and support in the comments section.Thanks and Thanks to my Heavenly Father and his son Jesus Christ.
Tomorrow is a work day and I'm hoping that it goes well.FJ

Tonight,my rocky road to recovery continues moving forward.I had a pretty decent day today.
Today,I woke up in the mid morning and I showered quickly.After showering,I got dressed and quickly did my personal PC work.I then went out and did a little thrift shop hopping and didn't buy very much.I then headed straight home after making a few stops along the way.
When I got home,I ate a light evening meal and did some more personal PC work.I also did a little bit of work within the house.Later on,as it was getting late,I prepared to retire for the evening.
I am still struggling terribly.The struggles that I have with SSA seem to get more complicated and tougher.Day in and day out,this particular struggle gets even more difficult.
I am still being tempted to fantasize and lust after other men.These temptations are really getting to me.I don't know whether I'm coming or going.I still feel like I'm trapped in the middle.I still don't know what to do,how to do it or how to handle this situation.
I've been appealing to the masses out there.I have been asking that you all encourage me.I also have been asking all of you to upbuild me spiritually by upbuilding me with scripture or saying that you're all praying for me.Yet,there haven't been any encouraging words.There has been nobody saying they're praying for me.I need prayers.I need spiritual upbuilding.I need encouragement.
These temptations are really overwhelming me.Please help me.All I need is some positive and encouraging words.I need to know that there are people out there praying for me and are behind me 100%.
Please pray for me.Please leave em some encouraging words and positive spiritual upbuidling in the comments section.Thanks.
I will be going to church tomorrow morning.Again,please keep me in your prayers and share some encouraging words and positive spiritual upbuilding in the comments section.FJ

Tonight,my rocky road to recovery continues moving forward.I had a very good day today.
Today,I went to work.After that,I headed straight home and ran a few errands.After that,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I had a light evening meal and did my personal PC work.I then retired for the evening.Overall,a very good day.
I am really being tempted tonight.I am tempted to fantasize and lust after other men.
I don't want to give into these terrible temptations.In itself,it's wrong to fantasize and lust about anything or anyone.I don't want to fall anymore.
Fellow blog followers and readers,I am asking that you keep praying for me.I need all the prayerful support that I can get.I also would appreciate some positive verbal support in the comments section.It can be encouragement or scriptural upbuilding.Thanks for your continued support and Thanks also to both my Heavenly Father and his son Jesus Christ.
This weekend will be simply a taking it easy weekend for me,with church as usual on Sunday.FJ

Tonight,my rocky road to recovery continues moving forward.
Today,my work day went well.It wasn't too bad.I had to do two things that were off the schedule today,but I managed to get everything that needed to get done accomplished.I later headed straight home and after that,I went to the post office for a money order.I then went to a local supermarket to get something to drink.I drove a little,but stopped at a local church for a free dinner.I headed straight home and after a little relaxation,showered and did a little bit of cleaning work around the house and did my personal PC work.I later retired for the evening.A very good day overall.
Today,while at work,I really had feelings of guilt all over myself.It was for all the the temptations of fantasizing and lust that I gave into over time.I really felt terrible and guilty for what I did.
While I had a few minutes,I went into the men's restroom and prayed.I prayed and tried to be as quiet as possible.I admitted to my Heavenly Father everything I did wrong,from fantasizing and lusting after other men,to manipulating my genitals,to masturbating to these images and asking to be forgiven.I left nothing out.I threw everything on the sovereign Lord and creator of all things.I asked for forgiveness and pleaded for mercy in the name of his son Jesus Christ.I was also starting to get teary eyed as I dis this.Afterwards,I felt better,but still felt a little depressed over the whole thing.I get hit with spells of the blues when least expected and I simply go with the flow and simply wait for it to pass.
Still,I need support from all of you.Please continued praying for me.Please leave me some positive verbal support in the comments section.I still need your support.Please do so as I would appreciate that.Thanks.
Tomorrow is another work day and after that, the weekend.FJ

Tonight,my rocky road to recovery continues,but today,I hit a snag.The day,though,was very good.
The work day went well and I had a new tire put on my car.I headed for home after that.
When I got home,I relaxed for a while and had a light evening meal.I then later prepared to retire for the evening.Overall,a very good day.
I am really not feeling well emotionally right now.Earlier today,I gave into the temptation to fantasize and lust after other men and yes,I did masturbate to these images.I also imagined myself in sinful sexual activity with them.
I am feeling depressed and regretful.I hated giving into these terrible temptations and I feel terrible about doing so.This is being a very heavy crushing weight on me.I don't want to give into these terrible temptations anymore,but I keep doing so.
I keep asking myself "What's wrong with me?".Why can't I stop fantasizing and lusting after other men.I am fully aware that the sexual activity of Homosexuality,alongside anything connected with it,is condemned by our Heavenly Father in his sacred word,the Holy Bible,but I keep fantasizing and lusting.I always feel lousy afterwards when I give in,which today is no exception.I still don't know whether I'm coming or going.I also feel trapped and stuck in the middle.I don't know what's wrong with me.I really want to stop,but I feel that I don't know how.
If anyone can help,please do so.I need some encouragement.I need some spiritual upbuilding.Please let me know that you're all out there reading.I want to to break free from this terrible trap.Yes,I really do.Please help me.Please.Please leave me some encouragement in the comments section.Please continue praying for me.Thanks to y'all and Thanks to both my Heavenly Father and his son Jesus Christ.
Tomorrow is another work day and I hope all goes well.FJ

Tonight,my rocky road to recovery continues moving forward.I had a very good day today.
The work day went a little bit better than it did yesterday.I managed to do what I had to do and had a little fun.The only good thing is that I got everything I needed to get done accomplished.
After it was over,I headed straight home and relaxed for a while.I did my personal PC work and did a little bit of errand running and then,retired for the evening.A very good day overall.
However,I am still trapped within the vicious SSA cycle.I have been tempted left and right and I feel trapped in the middle.
I am also tired of hearing so much about how the media is making Homosexuality look right and normal,which it isn't.This is only adding to my struggles and making them practically unbearable.These unnatural desires that I have are really getting me down and the temptations are getting worse by the day.I don't know what else to say or to do.
I don't want to give into these terrible things anymore.I want to stop giving into these things.All I have been thinking of is sex and more sex with other men.I just can't seem to get it off of my mind.I want to stop thinking of these things.
If anyone can help me,please do so.I need words of encouragement.I need prayers.Please pray for me.Please leave me some words of encouragement in the comments section.These encouraging words can be scriptural upbuilding.They also can be someone saying that they are praying for me.They also can be where I can find face to face help.They also can be ideas of how I can let go of unresolved anger,emotional and trauma issues.Please pray for me.Please leave me some encouraging words.Thanks for them in advance.
Tomorrow is simply another work day and I am hoping that it goes well.FJ

Tonight,my rocky road to recovery continues moving forward.I have a very good day today.
I went to work today and the work day,though hectic,went well.I headed for home after that and relaxed for much of the rest of the afternoon.I had a light evening meal and prepared to retire for the evening.Overall,a very good day.
However,I am still struggling with this terrible SSA.I have been falling short a lot.Today,I fell short again.I gave into temptations to fantasize and lust after other men in the afternoon.I really felt terrible about giving into this terrible temptations.I also felt lousy and was mad at myself as a result of that.
I am still wanting to heal from this terrible SSA struggle that I have.I want to heal.I want to be a whole person.As a result of this terrible SSA struggle and condition,I don't feel like a whole person.I feel less than whole.I don't want to feel this way anymore.I want to feel whole.I want to feel like what I am,which is a man.
This struggle gets worse by the day.It keeps getting worse and worse.I want to pursue healing,but don't know where to turn or go.There aren't many programs or things for people like me in my hometown.
Fellow blog followers and readers,I need prayers.Please pray for me.Please leave me some positive verbal support in the comments section.I need some spiritual help in the forms of encouragement and positive upbuilding,but nobody wants to say anything.Please support me verbally by posting some encouragement and upbuilding in the comments section.I would really appreciate that.Thanks to all of you and also,Thanks to my Heavenly Father and his son Jesus Christ.
Tomorrow is another work day and I hope that all goes well.FJ

Tonight,my rocky road to recovery continues moving forward.I had a wonderful and eventful day today.
I went to church this morning as I usually do.The morning's Holy Bible study class and the worship service afterwards were both wonderful.I relaxed for much of the day and did my personal PC work.I also ran a few errands that I needed to run.I ate a light meal and did a little bit more personal PC work.I also did some recommended Holy Bible reading.I later retired and overall,it was a wonderful and eventful day.
However,my struggles are still the way that they have been.I am still enduring temptations to fantasize and lust after other men.These temptations strike when least expected for me.This struggle with SSA is getting even more difficult by the day.At times,I really don't know if I'm coming or going.I also feel like I'm stuck in the middle between the false identity(i.e."Homosexual/Gay")and the one true identity(i.e.Heterosexual/Straight").I know that the creator created male and female.I truly and totally believe all that.The thing is that many are pushing the agenda for the false identity and it stinks.
This is making my personal struggle with SSA that more difficult.I'm still craving sexual things with other men.I know and understand that it's wrong and unacceptable to the sovereign Lord and creator of all things to have sexual activity with another of the same gender,but I keep getting tempted to fantasize and lust repeatedly.I don't want to fantasize and lust after other men.I want to look at my fellow men as brothers in a Christian way.
I keep pleading for all of you to pray for me.I also keep pleading with you to leave me some positive verbal support in the comments section.All I need is some positive encouragement along with spiritual upbuilding.My struggles with Bipolar Disorder and Schizophrenia make this SSA struggle that I have even more difficult.My mood changes and hearing things that are not there contribute to this personal struggle that I have with SSA.
Again,please pray for me continually and please leave me some positive verbal support in the comments section.Thanks for your support and above all;Thanks to both my Heavenly Father and his son Jesus Christ.
Tomorrow is the start of a new work week and I hope that all goes well.FJ