Tonight,my road to recovery pushes forward amidst a rocky road.I had a pretty good day today.
Today,I woke up in mid morning and I bathed.After my bath,I had my usual quick breakfast and my usual 2 cups of coffee.After breakfast,I did my personal PC work and I got dressed.I had only a couple of things planned and I wanted to get them accomplished.
I first went to the Best Buy in the next county to return a DVD that was sent to me that I didn't order.Well,it was a particular one,but it was the wrong edition.After working out some stuff with the people over at the store,where hopefully,I will get the edition that I really want,I headed for home.
On the way home,I stopped at a local supermarket to pick up something that was needed for the home.After paying for that item,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I relaxed and took it easy for a while.
After eating,I watched the evening news for a while and I also did some more personal PC work and watched a DVD as well.Overall,a pretty good day.
My recovery continues to move forward,though it is still a very rocky road,as I am still having to put up with the symptoms of bipolar depression.As I stated previously,I never know when my mood will be up or when my mood will be down.It is a continuous emotional roller coaster ride.I just wish that my mood could be up daily rather than down much of the time.I really hate that I am struggling with this and also,I have to struggle with the schizophrenic tendencies that I have alongside the bipolar depression.It is really a struggle putting up with all of this stuff.I will still continue my therapy sessions and I will also continue to take my medication as directed.I am hoping that my recovery will start improving soon.
Regarding my SSA struggles,I was again tempted to act out by masturbating three times in the wee early morning hours when I was awakened by erections.This is the first time in quite a long time that I had more than two erections in the wee early morning hours.I really had to fight these temptations really hard.An erection really makes it tough to resist the temptation to masturbate,especially when it was my old way of getting rid of the erection in the first place.I am trying to show my body that I own it and not it owning me.I simply had to toss and turn on all three occasions to resist the temptations to masturbate and all three times,I was successful,though it wasn't easy.Though I escaped these episodes,I know that the temptation to act out by masturbation or in other ways,other than seeking a male partner out to act out with,will rear it's ugly head when least expected.It's bad enough that I am putting up with the emotional roller coaster of bipolar depression and with the struggles that I have regarding SSA,it really makes it difficult for me to resist any temptation to act out in other ways aside from searching for male partners to act out sexually with.I will just have to work on staying strong and work on staying strong when the temptation hits again.It won't be easy,but I know that I can do it.Again,advice or suggestions are welcomed.
Tomorrow morning,it will be church as usual.After that,I have made no other plans.But whatever I do,I hope that it gives me positive benefits.
That was my day today and my hopes for the day ahead.FJ

Tonight,my road to recovery still continues,though still rocky.I had a pretty good day today.
Today,I woke up in the mid morning and I bathed.After my bath,I had my usual quick breakfast and my usual 2 cups of coffee.After breakfast,I hurriedly did my personal PC work and I got dressed.I proceeded to get on with the the rest of the day as I had some stuff planned.
I first headed over to the bank to withdraw some money.After that,I headed over to the local Super Wal-Mart to pick up something that my mom had a coupon for.After that,I headed over to the drug store to pick up a couple of prescriptions that my mom really needed.After paying the co-pay on these,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I relaxed and took it easy for a while.I had a meeting with the pastor planned and I wanted to be ready for it.When the time was nearly there,I headed over to the church to meet with the pastor as I had a lot of things that I needed to talk about.
The meeting with him was wonderful.I did get a lot out of that.After the meeting,I eagerly awaited the charity spaghetti dinner that the church was having.I was looking forward to this all week.
The dinner was also wonderful.I had some wonderful fellowship with the people who were also at the dinner.After it was over,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I relaxed as I was there to stay for the rest of the night.Overall,a pretty good day.
My recovery still continues,though it is still rocky,but I am still having to deal with the symptoms of bipolar depression as I never know what to expect next.I can be up and feeling good one day,while the next day,I could be down and feeling not so good.Again,I can never anticipate nor predict how my mood will be as it is an emotional roller coaster ride that is unpredictable.Today,I am right in the middle as one side of me feels good but the other feels bad.I wish that I could feel good most of the time rather than feel good one day and bad the next day.Aside from that,I am also dealing with the schizophrenic tendencies alongside the bipolar depression.I am still having to contend with hearing things that nobody else hears,such as footsteps,voices calling my name and there is nobody around as well as hearing other sounds that I can't even decipher.The only thing that I can continue to do is to continue taking my medication as directed and continue with my therapy sessions.I just hope and will continue to hope that my recovery will start improving very soon.
Regarding my SSA struggles,I gave into temptation in the wee early morning hours by masturbating an erection away.I really felt miserable after it happened as I am trying to resist the temptation to act out in other ways,other than seeking a male partner out to act out with.I don't want to act out anymore as acting out will never give me what I want,which is affirmation of my gender identity and the feelings of authenticity that go with it.This is the second consecutive time that I have given into this terrible,disgusting,dirty and unclean habit.I don't want to masturbate or act out in other ways anymore as I want to be A MAN and be a whole man.I don't want to reinforce the Homosexual identity anymore as masturbation will only do that.I also no longer want to find men sexually attractive as men are supposed to find women sexually attractive.I want to be a whole man and I want to be a masculine man as sexual relations with other men will never get me the affirmation of my gender identity that I am truly seeking and not reinforcement of the Homosexual identity,which is the identity that I am trying to disown and overcome as God never intended for men to have sexual relations or activity with each other.God made man and woman for a reason.Though I did get a suggestion from a fellow follower,I am still open to any more ideas or suggestions.Thanks in advance for sharing them.
As for the weekend,I have made no plans.But whatever I do,I hope that it gives me positive benefits.
That was my day today and my hopes and plans for the day ahead.FJ

Tonight,my road to recovery continues,though still rocky.I had a pretty good day today.
Today,I woke up in mid morning and I bathed quickly.After my bath,I had my usual quick breakfast and my usual 2 cups of coffee.After breakfast,I did my personal PC work and I immediately got dressed.I had a few things planned for today and I wanted to get them done.
I first had a spirituality group that I needed to attend.I needed to get a lot more out of this as I did the previous week.I was looking forward to this group with a lot of positive anticipation and enthusiasm.
The group was wonderful.After it was over,I left to go to a local community kitchen to get a light lunch.After lunch,I headed over to the local Super Wal-Mart to pick up something that was needed.After paying for that,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I simply relaxed and watched a movie while doing so.
After eating,I watched the evening news for a while.I also did some more personal PC work and did some recommended readings of the Holy Bible and some stuff that I have also been studying.Overall,a pretty good day.
My road to recovery continues,but it is still a very difficult road.I am still having to put up with the symptoms of bipolar depression and the up and down emotional roller coaster ride that I am constantly on.I don't know which days that I will be up or which days that I will be down.Aside from that,I also have to endure the schizophrenic tendencies that I have alongside the bipolar depression.I have to put up with hearing things that nobody else hears.The worst part is not really putting up with the symptoms of each of these disorders.The worst part is putting up with the ignorance of the public who have a lot of nasty things to say about those who have to endure and suffer mental illness.The public continually calls us names like freak,freakazoid,crazy,stupid,airhead and lots of other nsaty names.I wish that the public wouldn't be so ignorant when it comes to us mentally ill people.It isn't our faults why we have these things.You all need to understand that though we have these mental illnesses,we are still people like the rest of you are and we are also still human like the rest of you are.I still continue to attend my therapy sessions and I am still taking my medication as directed.I am hoping that my recovery will start improving very soon.
Regarding my SSA struggles,I was again tempted to masturbate in the wee early morning hours when I was awakened by an erection.I really had to fight this as I did give in yesterday in the wee early morning hours.I didn't want to give in a second consecutive time.I am always continuing to keep in mind that masturbation will never give me what I want and need nor will it fulfill my needs in any way,shape or form as masturbation only reinforces the Homosexual identity.I will just have to stay strong and use all the strength that I have to continue to resist.Thanks in advance for any ideas or suggestions.
Tomorrow,I have an appointment with the pastor of the church and I will also be attending a charity spaghetti dinner tomorrow at the church.
That was my day today and my hopes and plans for the day ahead.FJ

Tonight,my road to recovery continues,though it is still a rocky one.I had a pretty good day today.
Today,I woke up in the mid morning and I bathed.After my bath,I had my usual quick breakfast and my usual 2 cups of coffee.After that,despite some minor issue with the browser's inability to connect with Yahoo,I did my personal PC work and I got dressed.I had only a couple of things on my agenda today and I wanted to get them done.
I first went to the post office to purchase a money order and I sent it out as payment on a bill that needed to be sent out.After that was done,I headed over to the Best Buy in the next county to pay my Best Buy credit card bill in person.After that was paid,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I relaxed and watched a little bit of TV for a while.
After eating,I watched the evening news for a while and after that,I did some required Holy Bible readings and did some more personal PC work.Overall,a pretty good day.
My recovery continues onward despite a rocky road.I have bipolar depression and I never know how my mood will be one day or the next.It is a continuous emotional roller coaster ride and I never know when it will stall.I am always putting up with the up and down emotional ride and it is always a difficult one.If having bipolar depression wasn't bad enough,I also have to put up with the schizophrenic tendencies that I have alongside the bipolar depression.The only thing that I can continue to do is continue my therapy sessions and continue to take my medication as directed.I am hoping that somewhere down the line,my recovery will start improving and I will feel better.
Regarding my SSA struggles,I gave into temptation in the wee early morning hours when I masturbated an erection away.I just grabbed myself and I started to masturbate until I ejaculated.After it was all over,I felt really miserable and I had to get up and clean myself after it all.I really felt terrible after giving into this latest episode.It was in the wee early morning hours and I was still feeling tired.I just gave in and after it was over,I felt lousy.In the past,I admit,I used to feel better after masturbating as it did feel good to do it.But now,since my priorities have changed,I now feel miserable as I now know that masturbation will never give me what I want.Masturbation will never connect me with my lost maleness nor will it affirm my gender identity and it won't give me the feelings of authenticity that go with that affirmation.Masturbation will only reinforce the Homosexual identity,which is the identity that I am trying to overcome and distance myself from.I no longer want to be a Homosexual and I don't want to find members of my own gender sexually attractive any longer.I want to start feeling like A MAN because that is what I am.I want to act,react and think like a man does in the proper way.Again,though I have gotten a suggestion from a follower and I am applying that,I am still open to anything from anyone else who reads and/or follows.Thanks in advance for anything.
Tomorrow,I have a spirituality group that I must attend.As for the rest of the day,I have no other plans.But whatever I do,I hope that it gives me positive benefits.
That was my day today and my hopes and plans for the day ahead.FJ

Tonight,my road to recovery continues,but still a little rocky.I had a pretty good day today.
Today,I woke up in the early morning and I bathed.After my bath,I had my usual quick breakfast and now,I have changed my routine to having three cups of coffee.After breakfast,I did my personal PC work and I got dressed.I only had a small thing planned today and I wanted to get it done.
I went to the local Super Wal-Mart to pick up something that I needed.After paying for that,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I relaxed for a while and did some reading.
After eating,I watched the evening news for a while and I did some more personal PC work.Overall,a pretty good day.
My recovery still moves on,but it is still a rocky road indeed.I have bipolar depression and you can never tell when you are going to feel up and good or when you are going to feel down and bad.It is a continuous emotional roller coaster ride where nobody can predict how they are going to feel one day or the next.On certain days,I feel good and on other days,no so good.I just have to hold on and just do what I can to endure this stuff and stay living.I also have to put up with the schizophrenic tendencies that I have alongside the bipolar depression.I have to contend with hearing things like voices,sounds and other things that nobody else can hear or try to comprehend.It isn't easy dealing with this double whammy of problems,as well as trying to hold onto reality and try to be as realistic as possible.I will continue to attend my therapy sessions.I will also continue to take my medication as directed.I will continue to hold onto the hope that my recovery will start improving in the near and distant future.
Regarding my SSA struggles,I was again tempted in the wee early morning hours to masturbate when I was awakened again by another erection.It was also another throbbing one.I had to really and aggressively toss and turn until the erection died down.This erection was really a hard one and resistance was really difficult.But I managed to resist and I didn't give in.Though I escaped this one,I know that I will be tempted again as temptation can rear it's ugly head when least expected.I will just have to stay strong and continue to use all the strength that I can muster to resist the temptation to masturbate or to act out in other ways other than seeking a male partner to have sexual activity with.I did receive one suggestion from one of my blog followers and I have been using this suggestion.I am still open to any more and if anyone out there can help,I would appreciate that.Thanks.
As for tomorrow,I have not made any plans.But whatever I do,I hope that it gives me positive benefits.
That was my day today and my hopes and plans for the day ahead.FJ

Tonight,my road to recovery continues,though it is still a rocky road.I had a pretty good day today.
Today,I woke up in the early morning and I bathed.After my bath,I had my usual quick breakfast and this time,I had three cups of coffee because I really needed to wake up.After breakfast,I did my personal PC work and got dressed to proceed with the rest of the day as I had only a few things planned.
I had a group that I needed to attend today and I was looking forward to that.
The meeting was wonderful.After the meeting,I headed for home.
On the way home,I stopped at the local Super Wal-Mart to pick up a couple of things that were needed for the house.After paying for those,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I relaxed and watched a little bit of TV for a while.
After eating,I watched the evening news for a while and I also did some more personal PC work.Overall,a pretty good day.
My recovery continues to move forward.But I am still having to deal with the symptoms of bipolar depression and the emotional roller coaster ride that it gives me.I really don't know how I am going to feel day in or day out or even day by day.One day,I can be feeling good.But the next day,I can feel down.If dealing with the symptoms of bipolar depression weren't bad enough,I also have to deal with the schizophrenic tendencies that I have alongside the bipolar depression.Still,the only things that I can do is to continue my therapy sessions and continue taking my medication as directed.I can only hope that my recovery will start to improve in the days and months ahead.
Regarding my SSA struggles,I was again tempted to masturbate in the wee early morning hours when I was awakened by yet another erection.I was really tempted to masturbate the erection away as I have done in the past when I did get an erection.I had to really aggressively toss and turn around until the erection died down.Though I escaped this episode,I need to keep in mind that the temptation to act out by masturbating or other ways,other than seeking a male partner out,can rear it's ugly head when least expected.I just have to keep fighting all the temptations when they come and use all the strength that I can muster to continually resist the temptation.Though I have been using a suggestion that was given to me by a follower,I am still open to any other suggestions.Thanks in advance for sharing.
As for tomorrow,I have made no plans.But whatever I do,I hope that it gives me positive benefits.
That was my day today and my hopes for the day ahead.FJ

Tonight,my road to recovery continues to move forward,though still rocky.I had a very good and eventful day today.
Today,I woke up in the early morning and I bathed.After bathing,I had my usual quick breakfast and my usual 2 cups of coffee.After breakfast,I got dressed up to head over to the church for the morning Holy Bible study class and the worship service afterwards.
Both the class and the service were wonderful.I had some wonderful fellowship with everyone before and after the worship service.After it was all finished,I headed straight home and stayed there because there was really nothing more to do as a result of the rainy weather we were having.For me,going to church every Sunday morning makes the whole day eventful.
When I got home,I got out of my suit and after putting on some casual clothes,I did my personal PC work and after that was done,I had a quick lunch and watched a DVD while relaxing afterwards.
After eating,I watched the evening news for a while and I did some more personal PC work.Overall,a very good and eventful day.
My recovery continues forward although it is still rocky.Then again,when you have bipolar depression,like myself,the road to recovery will usually be rocky.I have to continually tolerate all the emotional ups and downs like I am on a roller coaster that just can't seem to make up it's mind as if it wants to go either up or even down.Aside from bipolar depression,I also have to put up with the schizophrenic tendencies that I also have alongside it.I still hear things and sounds that nobody else hears.It is really a difficult thing to go through.I am always looking over my shoulder while I am walking anywhere and whenever I do,I usually hear things like footsteps or somebody calling my name,but when I turn around,there is nobody there.I have to continually put up with all of this difficulty.I am still attending my therapy sessions.I am also still taking my medication as directed.I am hoping that my recovery will start improving soon.
Regarding my SSA struggles,I was again tempted to masturbate in the wee early morning hours when I was awakened by another morning erection.I was tempted to masturbate the erection away,but chose to fight it instead.I tossed and turned repeatedly and very aggressively until the erection died down.The fight to resist temptation is never an easy one at all.I only resist because in my case,masturbation will only reinforce the Homosexual identity,which is what I am trying to overcome and escape from.I don't want to act out in any way as acting out will never give me what I want and need,which is affirmation of my gender identity and the feelings of authenticity that go with it.I want to feel like a whole man as that is what I am and that I was born to be.I want to feel like a whole man and be a man among men.Though I escaped this temptation,I still keep in mind that temptation can rear it's ugly head when least expected.Though I did receive some wonderful advice from a follower,I am still open to any other ideas or suggestions.Thanks for sharing them.
Tomorrow,I have a group that I need to attend.As for the rest of the day,I have nothing planned.But whatever I choose to do,I hope that it gives me positive benefits.
That was my day today and my hopes and plans for the day ahead.FJ

Tonight,my road to recovery continues to press on,though it is still a rocky road.I had a pretty good day today.
Today,I wok up in the early morning and bathed quickly.After my bath,I had my usual quick breakfast and my usual 2 cups of coffee.After breakfast,I quickly got dressed to proceed with the rest of the morning as I had an important meeting that I needed to attend,which was my monthly Men's Network meeting.
The meeting was a wonderful one indeed.After the meeting was over,I headed over to a Salvation Army thrift store in the area and I managed to find some great stuff.After I was done shopping there,I headed over to a library in the area and registered some dollar bills at the Where's George site and after I was done with much of my PC work,I headed back into my hometown and headed over to the local Salvation Army thrift store in my hometown to pick up a couple more things.After paying for those,I headed over to the local Super Wal-Mart to pick up a couple more things.After paying for those items.I headed straight home.
When I got home,I put everything away and I finished my personal PC work.After that,I relaxed and watched a couple of movies in the DVD player.
After eating,I watched the evening news for a while and I also did some reading from the Holy Bible and also,a study book that is connected with the church that I worship in.I also did some more personal PC work.Overall,a pretty good day.
In my recovery,I am still having to deal with the symptoms of bipolar depression and it is very difficult to deal with them.One minute I can be up while the next minute I can be down.It is a constant emotional roller coaster ride.Aside from the bipolar depression symptoms,I am also struggling with the schizophrenic tendencies that I have alongside the bipolar depression.It is never an easy road to be on.It is always going to be a very difficult one indeed.I will just have to continue with my therapy sessions and continue taking my medication as directed.I am just hoping that my recovery starts improving soon.
Regarding my SSA struggles,I was again tempted in the wee early morning hours to masturbate an erection away when I was awakened by one.It was also another throbbing one as well.I really had to fight temptation to masturbate this erection away.I really tossed and turned repeatedly until the erection died down.Though I escaped this one,I know that the temptation to act out in other ways,other than seeking a male partner out to have sexual activity with,can rear it's ugly head when least expected.I just have to hang in there and keep fighting the urges when they come.I don't want to give in because masturbation will only reinforce the Homosexual identity,which is the identity that I am trying to overcome and disown.I don't want to be a Homosexual anymore and I don't want to act out in any way,shape or form.I am trying to put some advice to heart that a follower gave me,but I am still open to any other ideas or suggestions.Anything is always appreciated.Thanks.
Tomorrow morning,I am hoping to attend the morning's church service and it's accompanying Holy Bible study class before the service.Aside from that,I have no other plans.But whatever I do,I hope that it gives me positive benefits.
That was my day today and my hopes and plans for the day ahead.FJ

Tonight,my road to recovery continues on,though still a little rocky.I had a pretty good day today.
Today,I woke up in the late morning and I bathed.After my bath,I had my usual quick breakfast and my usual 2 cups of coffee.After breakfast,I did my personal PC work and I got dressed to proceed with the rest of the day.
I really didn't have to much to do today.I simply went to a local supermarket to pick up a few things that were needed for the home and after I paid for them,I simply headed back home.
When I got back home,I put the groceries away and I relaxed and took it easy for a while.
After eating,I watched the evening news for a while and I did some more personal PC work.Overall,a pretty good day.
On my road to recovery,I am learning that it is never easy to deal with the symptoms of bipolar depression.I never know if I am going to be up one day or down the next.It is simply an emotional roller coaster ride where anyone who struggles with this doesn't know what the days affects are going to be.Aside from dealing with bipolar depression,I also have to deal with schizophrenic tendencies as well.With these tendencies,I hear things that other people can't hear,which includes sounds,voices or anything else connected with hearing things that nobody else hears.It is a rough road and a very difficult experience dealing with one mental illness and also,to deal with tendencies from another disorder and all.It is extremely difficult.The only things that I can continue to do is to continue my therapy sessions and continue to take my medication as directed.I just hope that my recovery will start improving soon.
Regarding my SSA struggles,I was tempted to masturbate in the wee early morning hours when I was awakened by a morning erection.This also was another throbbing one and I really had to fight to resist this temptation.It wasn't easy,but I managed to get through this episode when the erection died down.Though I escaped this episode,I know that the temptation to act out in other ways,other than seeking a male partner out to act out with,can rear it's ugly head when least expected.I just have to keep fighting these urges whenever they come up,though the fight is always a difficult one.I will just have to keep up the fight to resist this temptation every time that it comes around.Though I did get a suggestion from another follower and it is a good one and i am trying to put it into practice,I am still open to any other suggestions from others as to what worked for them.Thanks.
Tomorrow,I have a Men's Network meeting that I need to attend.As for the rest of the day,I have no other plans.But whatever I do,I hope that it gives me positive benefits.
That was my day today and my hopes and plans for the day ahead.FJ

Tonight,my road to recovery continues,though still a little rocky.I had a pretty good day today.
Today,I woke up in the mid morning and I bathed.After my bath,I had my usual quick breakfast and my usual 2 cups of coffee.After breakfast,I did my personal PC work and I got dressed.I proceeded to get on with he remainder of the day as I had a few things on my agenda.
I first went to my weekly spirituality group.I was looking forward to this with a lot positive anticipation and enthusiasm as I usually do.I headed over there and went right into it.
The group was wonderful.After the meeting,I had lunch at a local kitchen and after eating lunch,I headed for home.
On the way home,I stopped at the local Super Wal-Mart to pick up a few things that were needed for dinner.After paying for those items,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I put the groceries away and I relaxed for a while.
After eating,I watched the evening news for a while and I did some more personal PC work.Overall,a pretty good day.
In my recovery,I am learning day in and day out that it is never easy.The struggle with bipolar depression is never an easy one.Anyone that has this mental disorder has to put up with up and down periods emotionally and it is always unpredictable.One day a person can be up and the next day,the person can be down.Like a lot of those who have this,I have to put up with this emotional roller coaster ride.What makes it even harder is that I have schizophrenic tendencies alongside bipolar depression.I also have to try and stay in the right frame of mind and try to keep a firm grasp on reality,though it is also never easy.I am still going to continue my therapy sessions and I am also going to take my medication as directed.I hope that my recovery starts improving in the days and months ahead.
Regarding my SSA struggles,I was again tempted to masturbate in the wee early morning hours when I was awakened by an erection.It was also another throbbing one as well.I had to really fight this temptation as I didn't want to give into it like I did twice over the last two days.I had to really hold my own as it was a really overwhelming urge to simply grab my genitals and masturbate until climax.But again,I fought it until the erection died down.Though I escaped this episode,I have to keep in mind that the temptation to act out in other ways,other than seeking a male partner out to have sex with,can rear it's ugly head when least expected.I just have to keep on fighting the urges and start finding out what leads me to masturbate and see if I can stop it before it grows.I hope that I can contain this habit for good.I did get some advice from a follower and I am going to give it a try.I am still open to other ideas or suggestions.Thanks.
As for tomorrow,I have no plans.But whatever I do,I hope that it gives me positive benefits.
That was my day today and my hopes and plans for the day ahead.FJ

Tonight,my road to recovery continues,but rocky.I had a pretty good day today.
Today,I woke up in the mid morning and I bathed.After my bath,I had my usual quick breakfast and my usual 2 cups of coffee.After breakfast,I did my personal PC work and I got dressed as I had a few things on my agenda today.
I first had to go to the garage to see why the fan in my car wasn't working the way that it should.My fan will only work if it is on the number 4 and won't work on numbers 1-3.I had to get this checked out and see what had to be done.I wanted the fan to work properly again.
It was only a minor thing and after it was finished,I paid for the work and I headed for home.
On the way home,I stopped at a gas station to get some gas and after that,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I relaxed and took it easy for a while.
After eating,I watched the evening news for a while and I also did some more personal PC work.Overall,a pretty good day.
My recovery in the process of struggling with bipolar depression with schizophrenic tendencies is not a very easy one.I have to deal with an emotional roller coaster ride where one minute I am up and the next minute I am down.It is very difficult and when you also have schizophrenic tendencies alongside the bipolar depression,it makes it even more difficult.I will just have to keep holding on and hoping that my recovery improves in the near and distant future.I also have to continue my therapy sessions and also continue to take my medication as directed.I just hope that someday soon,my recovery will start to improve again and I will feel better about myself.
Regarding my struggles with SSA,I gave into temptation late last night and early this morning when I masturbated.Yes,I masturbated twice.I gave in late last night and wee early this morning.I really felt bad after these current falls and it made me feel miserable.I was doing pretty good for a while until late last night and early this morning.I don't know what led me to fall two times.In the near future,I have to keep working harder on resisting the temptation to masturbate in any way,shape or form as well as resist the temptation to act out in other ways other than seeking male partners out for the purpose of acting out sexually with them.It is just that masturbation will only reinforce the Homosexual identity and will keep me even further away from getting what I want,which is affirmation of my gender identity and the feelings of authenticity that go with that affirmation.I also know that acting out in other ways other than seeking a male partner to act out with will also never give me what I want,either.Again,I am still open to any suggestions or ideas as to how I can do so.Thanks in advance for any encouragement.
Tomorrow,I have a spirituality group that I need to attend.After that,I have no other plans.But whatever I do,I hope that it gives me positive benefits.
That was my day today and my hopes and plans for the day ahead.FJ

Tonight,my road to recovery is still going,though it isn't an easy road.I had a pretty good day today.
Today,I woke up in the mid morning and I bathed.After my bath,I had my usual quick breakfast and my usual 2 cups of coffee.After breakfast,I did my personal PC work and I got dressed.I proceeded to get on with the rest of my day as I had only a couple of small things planned for today.
The first thing on my agenda was that I had to drop something off at one of my mom's friends houses.After that was finished,I headed over to a local supermarket to pick up a few things that were needed for the home.After paying for those items,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I relaxed and watched some TV for a while.
After eating,I watched the evening news for a while and I also did some more personal PC work.Overall,a pretty good day.
On my road to recovery from the mental illness that I struggle with and deal with on a daily basis,I am still learning that it is a very difficult road to be on.People with bipolar depression,like myself,don't know what their mood will be up or down.The moods keep changing or at times,they stay the way they are for a period of time.It is unpredictable,though I wish at times that I can pinpoint when it might and/or will happen.Aside from bipolar depression,I do have schizophrenic tendencies alongside it,which makes it even more difficult.I just hang in there and I hope for the best.The only other thing that I can do is still attend my therapy sessions and continue taking my medication as directed.I hope that one day or someday soon,my recovery will start to improve and I can feel better about myself.
Regarding my SSA struggles,I was again tempted to masturbate in the wee early morning hours when I was awakened by an erection out of a deep sleep.It was a really hard one this time and I really had to fight aggressively to resist the temptation to masturbate it away.I had to really toss and turn until the erection died down.Though I escaped this one,I have to continue to keep fighting to resist the temptation to masturbate erections away when I get one.In the past,I used to masturbate any erection that I received as that was,I felt at the time,the only way to rid myself of an unwanted erection.Now that my priorities have changed,I am now seeking more healthy and constructive ways to fight unwanted erections when they occur and to resist any temptation to masturbate them away.I only resist the temptation because I know that masturbation will never get me what I truly need and want.Masturbation,in no way,will ever connect me with my lost maleness no more that having anything sexual with another man will connect me to my lost maleness.Masturbation will only reinforce the Homosexual identity,which I am trying to overcome and cast away from me because it is NOT what I am all about as a man or a human being.I have to keep fighting to resist the temptation to act out in other ways other than seeking a male partner out to have anything sexual with.Again,I am still open to any suggestions as to how I can resist and how I can stay strong whenever temptation rears it's ugly head.
Tomorrow,I have an appointment with a garage to have them check out my fan as to see why it isn't working at the lower speeds.After that,I have no other plans.But whatever I do,I hope that it gives me positive benefits.
That was my day today and my hopes and plans for the day ahead.FJ

Tonight,my road to recovery continues,though the road is rocky.I had a pretty good day today.
Today,I woke up in the late morning and bathed quickly.After my bath,I had my usual quick breakfast and my usual 2 cups of coffee to drink.After that,I did my personal PC work and I got dressed as I had a group that I needed to attend and I was looking forward to it.
I headed over to the place where the group was and I attended the meeting.It was an internet resources recovery group and I was looking to get a lot out of what they were using the internet to look for certain websites that help in the recovery of individuals struggles with many mental illnesses.
The meeting was wonderful.After leaving the place,I headed for home.
On the way home,I stopped at the local Super Wal-Mart to pick up several things that were needed for the home.After paying for the items,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I put all the groceries away and I relaxed and took it easy for a while.
After eating,I watched the evening news for a while and I did some more personal PC work.Overall,a pretty good day.
Though my road to recovery continues,I do have to admit that when a person,like myself,has bipolar depression,it isn't always easy.Nobody who suffers and struggles with this doesn't know when they will be up or when they will be down.On certain days,I can feel happy and full of life while on other days,I feel down and don't want to do much of anything nor even want anything to do with life.My other problem is that I also have schizophrenic tendencies alongside the bipolar depression and even that can get rough.You always hear things that nobody else hears and that can get you feeling like there is nothing right at all with anything around.The struggle is never easy at all.It is usually rough and rocky.The only thing that I can continue to do is to attend my therapy sessions when they come up and also,continue to take my medication as directed.I am still hoping that my recovery will start improving very soon.
Regarding my struggles with SSA,I was tempted twice in the wee early morning hours when I was awakened by morning erections at two separate intervals in the morning.This is the first double whammy that I have had in a long time.On both these occasions,I had to really toss and turn until my genitals softened and I was able to go back to sleep.Whenever I get an erection in the wee early morning hours,I get tempted to masturbate them away as this was the old way that I used to get rid of them.With my priorities changed and since I am in the healing process,I have to resist the temptation to masturbate when this happens.Masturbation will only reinforce the Homosexual identity,which is what I am trying to overcome and escape from as the sexual lifestyle connected with it is sinful in the eyes of God through Jesus Christ.I don't want to masturbate and I don't want to have the Homosexual identity reinforced by masturbation or by acting out in other ways other than seeking a male partner out to act out with,which I also don't want to do because acting out in any way will never give me what I really need and want,which is the affirmation of my gender identity and the feelings of authenticity that go with that gender identity affirmation.I will just have to keep fighting the temptation day in and day out.I am still open to any more suggestions or advice.Please share anything that you may feel is useful.Thanks.
As for tomorrow,I have made no plans.But whatever I do,I hope that it gives me positive benefits.
That was my day today and my hopes and plans for the day ahead.FJ

Happy Easter or Resurrection Sunday.
Tonight,my road to recovery presses onward,though the road is still rough and rocky.I had a very good and eventful Easter holiday today.
Today,I woke up in the wee early morning hours and I bathed.After my bath,I got dressed up to go to church.It was Easter morning and there was a lot at the church that was going on and I wanted to have a share in the festivities.
The first thing today was an Easter breakfast and the breakfast was wonderful.There was some wonderful fellowship with everyone and we had some laughs and some wonderful feelings of love in the air.After the breakfast was over,I hung out at the church to wait for the worship service to begin.There was still some time to have a lot more fellowship as I had some wonderful talks with some of the members as we waited for the time that the worship service was to begin.Once the time came,we all started to enter the chapel for the service and as usual,I was looking forward to the worship service with a lot of positive anticipation and enthusiasm.
The Easter Sunday worship service was wonderful.I got quite a bit out of it.I had some more wonderful fellowship with the members again and after all of that,I headed for home.
On the way home,I stopped at a local supermarket to pick up a couple of things that were needed for the home for the dinner we were going to have.After paying for those,I headed over to a gas station to get some gas into my gas tank.After that,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I got out of my suit and into some casual clothes and I did my personal PC work before anything else.After that was over,I relaxed and popped a DVD in the DVD player.
After eating,I watched the evening news for a while and I also did some more personal PC work.I also registered a whole bunch of bills at the Where's George site.Overall,a very good and very eventful Easter holiday.
As someone in recovery,I know that the recovery from anything,including mental illness,is going to be very difficult.I know that all too well.I have been struggling with bipolar depression all of my life and I also struggle with the schizophrenic tendencies that I also have alongside the bipolar depression.It is a real tough and rough struggle when I have to put with my emotions going up one day and them going going down the next.The only thing that I continue to do is that I am still attending my therapy session when I have them and that I am also still taking my medication as directed.I am still feeling hopeful and optimistic that my recovery will start improving soon.I do want to feel better and I am determined to feel better.
Regarding my struggles with SSA,I was again tempted in the wee early morning hours when I was awakened by an erection.I was tempted to masturbate it away,but instead of giving into the temptation,I fought and resisted the temptation by tossing and turning aggressively until the erection died down and my genitals were soft again.Though I escaped this episode,I know that I will be tempted again.It is not that I am waiting for it to happen,which I am not.I am just keeping in mind that it will happen again when least expected.I still have to keep in mind that masturbation will never get me what I really need and want,which is affirmation of my gender identity and the feelings of authenticity that go with that affirmation of my gender identity.Masturbation will only reinforce the Homosexual identity,which is what I am trying to overcome and escape from.I don't want to act out by masturbating nor do I want to act out in other ways.I am still open to any suggestions or advice on how I can continue to resist the temptations when they come.
Tomorrow,I have a group that I need to attend.Aside from that,I have no other plans.But whatever I do,I hope that it gives me positive benefits.
That was my day today and my hopes and plans for the day ahead.FJ

Tonight,my road to recovery is still pressing on with hardly anything new.I had a pretty good day today.
This morning,I woke up in the mid morning and I bathed.After my bath,I had breakfast and my usual 2 cups of coffee.After breakfast,I did my personal PC work and after that was finished,I got dressed.I had only a couple of things on my agenda today and I wanted to get them done.
I first went to a local supermarket to pick up a few things.After paying for them,I headed over to a local Dollar Tree store to pick up a few last minute things for the upcoming Easter holiday for my grand nieces and grand nephew.After paying for those things,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I relaxed and popped a DVD in the DVD player and watched it.
After eating,I watched the evening news for a while and I did some more personal PC work.Overall,a pretty good day.
Day after day,I am seeing and learning that the recovery from any form of mental disorder is not an easy one.It is always a very difficult road.In my case,I really don't know if I will be up or down emotionally as that is how it is with anyone who struggles with bipolar depression.In my case,having schizophrenic tendencies makes it even more difficult.The only things that I can continue to do is to continue attending my therapy sessions and also,to continue taking my medication as directed.In time,I can only hope that my recovery starts improving soon.
Regarding my struggles with SSA,I was again tempted in the wee early morning hours to masturbate when I was awakened by a morning erection.It was also another throbbing one.I had to really aggressively toss and turn to resist the temptation to masturbate the erection away.In the past,I simply used to masturbate whenever I got an erection in the morning,but now that my priorities have changed,I can't do that anymore.In my case,masturbation will only reinforce the Homosexual identity,which is the identity that I am trying to overcome and disown from myself.I don't want to be a practicing Homosexual.I want to do what is right in God's eyes as God and his son Jesus Christ condemn the sexual activity between two members of the same gender.The Holy Bible even says that it is sinful to indulge in such sexual activity and contact with another member of one's own gender.I will just have to keep on fighting the desire to act out in other ways other than seeking a male partner to act out with.Again,I am still open to any suggestions or advice.Thanks.
Tomorrow,with it being the Easter holiday,I am planning on attending church and the Easter festivities that are going on before the worship service.I am just going to take it easy tomorrow as I really have nothing else planned.
That was my day today and my hopes and plans for the day ahead.FJ

Tonight,my road to recovery continues and I am still hoping that it will start improving soon.I had a very good and eventful day today.
Today,I got up in the mid morning and I bathed.After my bath,I had breakfast and my a couple cups of coffee.After that,I did my personal PC work and I got dressed for the day as I did have some things planned.
I had only a couple of things on my agenda today.The first was that I had to do some grocery shopping for my mom at a local supermarket.I had a lot of stuff that I needed to get and I did succeed in finding everything that was needed.After paying for the items,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I put all the groceries away in their proper places and I relaxed for a while.
After eating,I got dressed up to attend the Good Friday evening service at the church and as usual,I was looking forward to the service as I have been worshipping at the church since September of last year.I got dressed up and headed for there.
The service was wonderful.After it was over,there was some great fellowship afterwards and and I headed straight home afterwards.
When I got home,I stayed there for the rest of the evening and I got ready to turn in for the night.Overall,a very good and eventful day.
Though I am still attending my therapy sessions and I am taking my medication as directed,I am still in the daily struggle with the symptoms of bipolar depression with schizophrenic tendencies.The day to day struggle with this mental condition is never easy as anyone with this has to put up with the roller coaster effect of this.On some days,I feel good and on other days,I don't feel so good.The endurance for anyone struggling with bipolar depression or any mental illness or disorder is always a very rocky road indeed.I will just have to hang in there and just deal with this on a day to day basis,which is all that I can do.
Regarding my struggles with SSA,I was again tempted in the wee early morning hours when I was awakened by an erection.I was tempted to masturbate the erection away when I was awakened by it.I again repeatedly and aggressively tossed and turned until the erection died down.In the past,whenever I got an erection,that is what I would do.I would simply masturbate to get rid of it.Now,since I am still in the process of healing from Homosexuality,I try to resist the temptation to masturbate because,no matter if it is emotional or otherwise,masturbation will only reinforce the Homosexual identity,which is what I am trying to overcome and disown from me.I want to follow the natural law of God as he created man and woman for a reason.God intended us humans,be we male or female,to be Heterosexual.The Holy Bible condemns the sexual activity between two members of the same gender and also,only recognizes Heterosexuality and anything having to do with Heterosexuality.I have to continually keep in mind that masturbation will never get me what I truly need or want,which is gender identity affirmation and the feelings of authenticity that go with that affirmation.I just have to stay in the fight and continue to fight and resist the temptation to act out in any way,shape or form other than seeking a male partner to act out sexually with.Again,I am open to any suggestions or advice on how I can continue to fight.Thanks.
As for the start of the weekend tomorrow,I have made no plans.But whatever I do,I hope that it gives me positive benefits.
That was my day today and my hopes for the day ahead.FJ

Tonight,my road to recovery continues uninterrupted.I had a very good and eventful day today.
Today,I woke up in the early morning and I bathed.After my bath,I had my usual quick breakfast and my usual 2 cups of coffee.After breakfast,I did my personal PC work and after that was done,I got dressed.I proceeded to get on with the rest of the day.
I had a spirituality group that I needed to attend.I attend this group every Thursday as I always look forward to it each and every week.I went to the group with a lot of positive anticipation and enthusiasm.
The group went great.After it was over,I headed over to a local community kitchen for lunch.After lunch,I headed for home.
On the way hone,I stopped at the bank to withdraw some money for myself.After that,I headed over to my insurance agent to pay my car insurance for the month.When that was paid,I headed over to a local store to pick up some candy for the upcoming holiday.After paying for the candy,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I simply relaxed and took it easy for a while.
After eating,I watched some of the evening news for a while and I got dressed up as I headed over to the church for a special Thursday night Holy Week service.The sermon was to discuss the importance of the Lord's Supper and it's significance in the Christian church.
The service was wonderful.I got a lot out of this and I learned some new things.After some wonderful fellowship with everyone that was there,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I decided to just take it easy and relax for the rest of the evening.Overall,a very good and eventful day.
Though my recovery continues unabated,I am still,on a one day at a time basis,dealing and struggling with the symptoms of bipolar depression with schizophrenic tendencies.I am still attending my therapy sessions.I am also taking my medication as directed.I am hoping that my recovery starts improving in the days and months ahead.
Regarding my SSA struggles,I was again tempted in the wee early morning hours when I was awakened by another erection.I was again tempted to masturbate it away,but again,I fought the temptation.It wasn't easy,but I escaped.I had to really work on resisting this current temptation as it was a really strong and overwhelming one.I really fought by twisting and turning until the erection died down.Though I escaped this one,I know that the temptation to act out in any way,shape or form can rear it's ugly head when least expected.I have to continue fighting the urge to masturbate an erection away when it happens.I also have to continue keeping in mind that masturbation will never give me what I want,which is affirmation of my gender identity and the feelings of authenticity that go with that affirmation.Masturbation will only reinforce the Homosexual identity,which is what I am trying to overcome and distance myself away from.If anyone out there has anything to advise or suggest,I am open to anything.Thanks.
As for tomorrow,I have made no plans.But whatever I do,I hope that it gives me positive benefits.
That was my day today and my hopes for the day ahead.FJ

Tonight,my road to recovery continues uninterrupted.I had a pretty good day today.
Today,I woke up in the early morning and I bathed.After my bath,I had my usual quick breakfast and my usual 2 cups of coffee.After breakfast,I did my personal PC work and I got dressed.I proceeded to get on with the rest of the day.
I had only a few things that I needed to do.After registering some bills at the Where's George site,I headed over to the post office to mail out some important bills that needed to be mailed out.I also had some stuff that I needed to mail out as well.After doing all of that,I headed over to the local Sears to pay my credit card bill for the month.After that,I headed for home.
On the way home,I stopped at the local K-Mart to pick up several things that I needed.After paying for them,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I relaxed and I watched some TV for a while.
After eating,I watched the evening news for a while and I also did some more personal PC work.Overall,a pretty good day.
Though my recovery continues uninterrupted,I am still,on a one day at a time basis,dealing and struggling with the symptoms of bipolar depression with schizophrenic tendencies.I am still attending my therapy sessions.I am also taking my medication as directed.I am still hoping that my recovery will start improve in the near and distant future.
Regarding my SSA struggles,I was tempted to act out by masturbating in the wee early morning hours when I was awakened by an erection that was also another throbbing one.I had to really fight this temptation.I again repeatedly tossed and turned until the erection died down and I fell back asleep.Though I escaped this episode,I know that the temptation to act out in other ways can rear it's ugly head when least expected.I have to continue keeping in mind that acting out in any way,shape or form will never give me what I want,which is affirmation of my gender identity and the feelings of authenticity that go with that affirmation.Acting out,whether it is by masturbating or other ways,will only reinforce the Homosexual identity that I am trying to overcome and flee from and also,to be free from.I just have to keep fighting.Again,if anyone has any ideas or suggestions,feel free to share them.Thanks.
Tomorrow,I have a spirituality group that I must attend.As far as the rest of the day,I have no other plans.But whatever I do,I hope that it gives me positive benefits.
That was my day today and my hopes and plans for the day ahead.FJ

Tonight,my road to recovery continues unabated.I had a pretty good day today.
Today,I woke up in the early morning and I bathed.After my bath,I had my usual quick breakfast and my usual 2 cups of coffee.After that,I got dressed and proceeded to get on with the rest of the day as I had a lot planned.
I first went to the bank to withdraw some money and after dropping the money off at home,I headed over to the laundromat to do my laundry.
When I got there,I immediately found a machine that nobody was using and I started my load immediately.After it was done in the washing machine,I tossed it all in a couple of dryers and after they were all dry,I folded and bagged everything.I headed for home afterwards.
On the way home,I stopped at the drug store to drop off a couple of prescriptions and to get my mom some chewable baby aspirin.After paying for that,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I sorted out my laundry and relaxed for a while after doing so.
After eating,I watched the evening news for a while and I did some more personal PC work.Overall,a pretty good day.
Though my recovery continues unabated,I am still,on a daily basis,dealing and struggling with the symptoms of bipolar depression with schizophrenic tendencies.I am still attending my therapy sessions.I am also taking my medication as directed.I am hoping that my recovery starts to improve very soon.I have been on an emotional roller coaster ride for quite a while and I am hoping to see some progress in this.
Regarding my SSA struggles,I was again tempted to act out by masturbating in the wee early morning hours when I was awakened by erections at two separate intervals in the wee early morning hours.I had to really fight both of these temptations as they were really strong and overwhelming.I had to really toss and turn during the first occurrence as it was another throbbing erection and fell back asleep when it died down.The second time,I had to get up and use the bathroom so it died down as I was heading for the bathroom.Though I escaped these two episodes,I have to continue to stay on guard and be watchful as the temptation to act out in any way,shape or form,other than seeking a male partner to act out with,can rear it's ugly head when least expected.I have to work on all my strength and work to try and stay stronger when the temptation rolls around and tries to consume me.I have to continue to keep in mind that masturbation will never get me what I really need and want,which is affirmation of my gender identity and the feelings of authenticity that come with that affirmation.I also have to keep in mind that acting out in any way,shape or form will also never get me what I am really in need of and want.Acting out,whether it is by masturbation or any other way,will only reinforce the Homosexual identity that I am trying to overcome and disown,because I don't want to be a Homosexual man.I want to be the man that God intended me to be,which is a healthy and happy Heterosexual.I also have to keep in mind that I have to continually seek God and his son Jesus Christ first and the kingdom of God before all else and everything will fall into place.Again,I am still open to any advice and/or suggestions to anyone out there who has been reading and following every word that I post here.Thanks.
As for tomorrow,I have no plans.But whatever I do,I hope that it gives me positive benefits.
That was my day today and my hopes for the day ahead.FJ

Tonight,my road to recovery continues uninterrupted.I had a pretty good day today.
Today,I woke up in the early morning and I bathed.After my bath,I had my usual quick breakfast and my usual 2 cups of coffee.After breakfast,I did my personal PC work and I got dressed to proceed with the rest of the day.
I had a mandatory meeting that I had to attend.It was a meeting with a group over at the local hospital.I had to attend the group to ensure that I would get my prescription for my psychiatric medication when I have to see the nurse practitioner over at the hospital later this month.
Since I had some time to kill before the meeting,I decided to stop at a local pizzeria to have a couple slices of pizza for lunch.After I was done eating,I headed over to the hospital and waited in the waiting room until we were called into the meeting room where the group was going to meet.
The meeting went great.It lasted for a little over an hour.After the meeting was over,I headed for home.
On the way home,I made a couple of stops along the way.I first stopped at a couple of friends houses to see how they were both doing.After visiting with them both,I headed over to a local supermarket to pick up some things that my mom wanted me to get.After paying for those items,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I sorted out the groceries and put them in their proper places.After that was done,I relaxed and watched some TV for a while.
After eating,I watched the evening news for a while and I did some more personal PC work.Overall,a pretty good day.
Though my recovery continues unabated,I am still,on a one day at a time basis,dealing and struggling with bipolar depression with schizophrenic tendencies.I am still attending my therapy sessions.I am also taking my medication as directed.I am hoping that my recovery starts to improve in the days and months ahead.
Regarding my SSA struggles,I was tempted to act out by masturbating twice in the wee early morning hours.I was awakened at a couple of separate intervals of the wee early morning hours by erections.They both were also throbbing ones.The first happened at 4:35am in the morning and the next one happened a little over an hour later.I really had to fight temptation here as the temptation to masturbate them away was very overwhelming.I had to really aggressively toss and turn repeatedly to resist the temptation to masturbate these away.In the past,masturbation was what I did to get rid of the erections,but now that my priorities have changed,I have to fight to resist.I escaped as both the erections died down and I was able to sleep for a while after both these intervals.Though I escaped,I still have to continually keep in mind that the temptation to act out on my desires can rear it's ugly head when least expected.I am always in a fight to continually resist the temptation to act out in any way,shape or form other than seeking a male partner to act out with.I have to keep up my strength and continue to fight the desires to act out by masturbating or in any other way other than finding another man to have sexual activity with.I just have to stay strong,hang in there and fight the temptations when they rear their ugly heads at me.Again,I am still open to anything that might have helped those who follow this blog.Thanks in advance.
Tomorrow,I am going to get around to doing my laundry.After that,I have nothing else planned.But whatever I choose to do,I hope that it gives me positive benefits.
That was my day today and my hopes and plans for the day ahead.FJ