Tonight,my road to recovery soldiers onward,though the road still remains rocky.I had a pretty god day today.
Today,I woke up in the mid morning and I bathed.After my bath,I had my usual quick breakfast and my usual 2 cups of coffee.After breakfast,I did my personal PC work and I got dressed.I had only a couple of things to do in the early afternoon and I wanted to get them done.
I first went to a local bargain closeout outlet store to pick up a couple of things.After that,I headed over to the local Super Wal-Mart to pick up a few more things.After that,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I relaxed for a while before getting ready for my appointment with the pastor at the church.I was having high hopes for this and I was hoping that it would go well.
The meeting was wonderful.After it was over,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I relaxed and eagerly awaited dinner.
After eating,I watched the evening news for a while and I did some more personal PC work and some recommended Holy Bible reading.Overall,a pretty good day.
My road to recovery continues moving forward,but the road is still a rocky and rough one at that.It is never easy dealing and struggling with the symptoms of BPD and the emotional roller coaster ride that it continually has on a day to day basis.I never can know how my mood will be on certain days and how it will be before the day ends.On some days,I can be up and feeling good while on other days,down and not so good.Sometimes,it happens all in the same day.I can be up and feeling good most of the day,but then I could feel down before the day ends.It is a very difficult emotional roller coaster.I also have to put up with the schizophrenic tendencies that I have alongside the BPD and that even makes it even more difficult.It also doesn't make my struggles with SSA any easier at all.The only things that I can continue to do is to continue my therapy sessions and continue to take my medication as directed.I am still holding onto the hope that my road to recovery will start improving very soon.
Regarding my SSA struggles,I was again tempted to act out by masturbating when I was awakened in the wee early morning hours by three consecutive erections.They were all throbbing erection as well.I had to really work on all three of these to resist the temptation to masturbate these away because that was my old way of ridding myself from these by masturbation.For the first two erections,I had to get up and do some walking.The first time was when I headed for the bathroom as I had to use it anyway and after that,the erection died down.The second one was simply to get up and walk a little until the erection died down.On both of these occasions,I simply went back to sleep.On the third one,I had to get up anyway and as soon as I started moving,the erection died down.Though I escaped these episodes,I still have to keep on guard and be watchful as the temptation to act out in other ways,other than seeking male partners out for the purpose of acting out with them sexually,can rear it's ugly head when least expected.I still do get the temptation to go out and seek male partners out for the purpose of acting out sexually with them,but I don't give into that temptation as I choose to stay home instead of deliberately choosing to go indulging in anything sinful.I also have to keep in mind that God never intended for sexuality to be used in the way that the world around us is using it.Plus,I have to continually keep in mind that acting out in any way,shape or form will never give me what I want and will only leave me feeling empty in the end.I am looking for affirmation of my gender identity and the feelings of authenticity that go with that affirmation.I am also looking for real male friends that I can confide and trust in as well as relate,identify and connect with in a healthy authentic way.I am not looking for male sexual partners.I am looking for real male friends.I just want to be one of the guys as I am a guy myself.Again,I don't anything sexual with any man or men in general.I am just looking to be accepted and belong to the world of men as I am a man myself.Regarding the resistance to acting out,I am applying some advice that was given to me by a blog follower,but I am still open to any suggestions or advice on how I can continue to resist the temptation to act out in any way,shape of form.Thanks in advance for any advice or suggestions.
As for the weekend,I haven't made any plans.But whatever I choose to do,I hope that it gives me positive benefits.
That was my day today and my hopes for the weekend ahead.FJ

Tonight,my road to recovery continues,though the road is still rocky.I had a pretty good day today.
Today,I woke up in the early morning and I bathed.After my bath,I had my usual quick breakfast and my usual 2 cups of coffee.After that,I did my personal PC work and I got dressed.I had only a couple of things planned for today and I wanted to get them done.
I first went to my mandatory spirituality group.I was looking forward to this with a lot of enthusiasm and positive anticipation as I always do.I was hoping to get a lot out of it and hope to use what I got out of it in my daily life.
The group was wonderful.After leaving,I went to a local community kitchen for lunch and after lunch,I headed over to a local supermarket to pick up something.After paying for that,I stopped at the post office to mail out some Mother's Day cards.After they were in the mailbox,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I relaxed and popped a movie in the DVD player.
After eating,I watched the evening news for a while and I did some more personal PC work and some recommended Holy Bible reading.Overall,a pretty good day.
My recovery continues to go forward despite a rocky road.Then again,when you are dealing and struggling with the symptoms of BPD,you never know what is up and also,you never know how your mood will be.One day,I can be up and feeling good,while the next day,I can be down and feeling not so good.It is a continuous emotional roller coaster ride.Aside from BPD,I also have to put up with the schizophrenic tendencies that I have alongside the BPD.It doesn't make my struggles with BPD any easier.I also doesn't make my struggles with SSA any easier,either.The only thing that I can continue to do is to continue my therapy sessions and continue taking my medication as directed.I am still holding on to the hope that someday soon my recovery will start improving.
Regarding my SSA struggles,I fell late last night when I masturbated.It really made me feel miserable when I gave into that temptation.I was down and feeling like I failed in my healing from this unwanted SSA.I also was afraid to share this latest fall here on my blog because I was afraid of any negative comments that I might get.Still,I felt miserable and I felt like that I was too far gone.But I am still in the fight.I am going to continue fighting this dreadful SSA and face it head on.In the wee early morning hours,I also was awakened by a throbbing erection and again,I was tempted to masturbate it away.This time,since I had to use the bathroom,I got up and headed for the bathroom and the erection died down.I didn't want to fall two consecutive times,so I headed for the bathroom and the walk to the bathroom did me good.Again,despite the fall,I am still in the fight and I am not giving up.I am going to continue this fight and and I am going to work on my strength and try to stay strong despite the fall and despite the opposition.Though I fell late last night,I am not going to let it be a burden on me as that is what Satan and his minions would want.It also helps motivate me to keep in mind that acting out in any way,shape or form will never give me what I want and need,which is affirmation of my gender identity and the feelings of authenticity that go with it.I still get tempted to go out and seek a male partner for the purpose of acting out with him,but I don't go out to do that and I choose to stay home.I still need to keep what I said above in mind in regards to acting out.Though I am still using advice from a follower,I am still open to any more advice or suggestions.Thanks in advance for anything offered.
Tomorrow,I have a meeting with the pastor of the church.I have nothing else planned for tomorrow,but whatever I choose to do,I hope that it gives me positive benefits.
That was my day today and my hopes and plans for the day ahead.FJ

Tonight,my road to recovery continues,though it is still a very rocky road.I had a pretty good day today.
Today,I woke up in early morning and I bathed.After my bath,I had my usual quick breakfast and my usual 2 cups of coffee.After breakfast,I did my personal PC work and I got dressed.I had only a couple of things to do today and I wanted to get them done.
I first had to go to a friend of the family's house to drop something off.After that was done,I headed over to a local supermarket to pick up something that was needed.After paying for that,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I relaxed and watched a movie.I also did some recommended Holy Bible reading for the day.
After eating,I watched the evening news for a while and I did some more personal PC work.Overall,a pretty good day.
My recovery continues to go forward,but it is still a very rocky road.It is never easy when you have BPD and you have to put up with the constant and continuous emotional roller coaster ride that goes with the territory of having BPD.I don't know how my mood will be one day or another.I don't know if I will be up and feeling good or down and not so good.Sometimes,it can happen on a single day when I can be up and feeling good one minute and then the next minute,down and not so good.I also have to put up with the schizophrenic tendencies that I have alongside the BPD.It really makes the struggle with BPD even more difficult.It also makes my struggles with SSA even more difficult.I will continue to attend my therapy sessions and also continue taking my medication as directed.I am still holding onto the hope that my recovery will start improving very soon.
Regarding my SSA struggles,I was again tempted to masturbate in the wee early morning hours when I was awakened by yet another morning erection.It was also another throbbing one.Though tempted,this particular episode didn't last very long as the erection died down while I was getting up to use the bathroom as the erection died down while on the way there.Though I escaped this episode,I have to continue to keep in mind that the temptation to act out on these unnatural sexual desires connected with SSA can rear it's ugly head when least expected.Most of the time,I am usually tempted to masturbate erections away,but I also get tempted in other ways.I get tempted to go out and seek male partners for the purpose of acting out sexually with them,but I stay home when that temptation arises.I also get tempted to fantasize about having sexual activity with other men,but I try to clear my head,change my frame of mind and do something else.Most of my temptation to indulge in masturbation has emotional roots.The emotional roots factor here is that when I am erect,I have the temptation to masturbate it away as that was my old way of coping with that.But now,my priorities have changed and I have to seek other ways to have these erections die down in a healthy way.In this fight to resist these temptations,I have to continually keep in mind that acting out in any way,shape or form will never give me what I truly need and also want,which is affirmation of my gender identity and the feelings of authenticity that go with that affirmation.Acting out will only reinforce the Homosexual identity and keep me even further away from getting my same sex needs fulfilled in healthy ways as anything sexual will leave me feeling empty and yearning for even more of that.I truly yearn to relate,identify and connect with members of my own gender in a healthy and authentic way that will lead me to be the man that I want to be and even the man that God intends me to be.Regarding the resistance to masturbate or acting out in other ways,I did receive some advice and though I am applying the advice and trying to remain strong,I am still open to any more advice and/or suggestions.Anything is always appreciated.Thanks.
Tomorrow,I have a spirituality group that I need to attend and I also will have lunch at a local kitchen after the group is over.Aside from these things,I have nothing else planned.But whatever I choose to do,I hope that the benefits that it gives me are positive.
That was my day today and my hopes and plans for the day ahead.FJ

Tonight,my road to recovery continues onward,though it is still a rocky one at that.I had a pretty good day today.
Today,I woke up in the early morning and I bathed.After my bath,I had my usual quick breakfast and my usual two cups of coffee.After breakfast,I did my personal PC work and I got dressed.I proceeded to get on with the rest of my day.
I only had a couple of things on my agenda today.I first had to go to the bank to get some money out for my mom.After going home and registering the bills,I went back out to go to a local card store to pick up several Mother's Day cards.After paying for those,I headed over to a nearby store to pick up some postage stamps.After paying for those,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I relaxed and watched a little bit of TV.
After eating,I watched the evening news for a while and I also did some more personal PC work and some recommended Holy Bible reading.Overall,a pretty good day.
While my recovery continues to go forward,it is still a rocky road that I am on and it is usually a very difficult one.I am dealing and struggling with the symptoms of BPD and the up and down emotional roller coaster ride that I am constantly on always makes it difficult.On certain days,I can be up and feeling good,but on other days,I can be down and feeling bad.Sometimes,it happens on the same day.Aside from the BPD,I also have to put up with the schizophrenic tendencies that I also have and that makes it even more difficult.It also doesn't make my SSA struggles any easier.I will continue my therapy sessions and I will continue to take my medication as directed.I am hoping that someday soon my recovery will start improving and I will be feeling good much of the time.
Regarding my SSA struggles,I was again tempted to masturbate twice in the wee early morning hours when I was awakened by erections at two separate intervals in the morning.With the first erection,I had to get up and go to the bathroom as I had to use it.On the way to the bathroom,the erection died down and I simply went back to sleep.With the second,I had to get up again and simply walk back and forth around the room until the erection died down and again,I simply went back to sleep.I was also tempted to manipulate my genitals for the purpose of getting them erect or near erect for the purpose of masturbating.The struggle with SSA is difficult enough,but the temptation to indulge in masturbation makes it even more difficult.In the case of anyone who struggles with SSA,masturbation only reinforces the Homosexual identity and doesn't fulfill any of the same sex emotional needs that are needed to make them feel like who they are gender wise.The needs need to be fulfilled authentically and in the right appropriate way in the form of same sex friendships and close,healthy and authentic relationships with those of their gender.Men needing to have close friendships with other men and women having close friendships with other women.The act of acting out on the unnatural sexual desires connected with Homosexuality/SSA will never fulfill any of the needs that are needed to be fulfilled in a healthy authentic manner.Acting out in any way,shape or form will never give people who struggle with SSA what they really and truly need and want.I always have to keep that in mind continually.I still get tempted to seek out a male partner for the purpose of acting out sexually with them,but I don't go out to do that.I simply stay home and try to think of positive healthy ideals of my fellow man rather than feed the unnatural sexual desires of Homosexuality/SSA.I am still working on trying to stay strong in my resistance to acting out on these unnatural sexual desires and I still need even more strength to resist those temptations.Though I have received advice from a fellow blog follower and I am putting it to use,I am still open to any new ideas,advice and/or suggestions.Thanks in advance for anything offered.
As for tomorrow,I haven't made any plans.But whatever I choose to do,I hope that it gives me positive benefits.
That was my day today and my plans for the day ahead.FJ

Tonight,my road to recovery continues going forward,though it is still a rocky one.I had a pretty good day today.
Today,I wok up in the mid morning and I bathed.After my bath,I had my usual breakfast and coffee and after that,I did my personal PC work.Afterwards,I got dressed and proceeded to get on with the rest of the day.
I first went to my usual Monday afternoon group.I had to attend this group as I needed to gain an awful lot out of it.I went there with a lot of positive anticipation and hope.
The group went well.After it was over,I headed for home.
On the way home,I stopped at the local Super Wal-Mart to pick up a couple of things.After paying for them,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I relaxed and watched a little bit of TV for a while.
After eating,I watched the evening news for a while and I did some more personal PC work alongside some recommended Holy Bible reading.Overall,a pretty good day.
My road to recovery isn't an easy one.Day after day,I have to put up with the emotional roller coaster ride of BPD.It is always a very difficult thing to put up with.Yesterday,as I was folding my laundry,I got hit with a spell of depression and also,the left side of my head started to hurt.After finishing,I went home to take something for that headache and I laid down for a while.Within an hour,I felt better and had my dinner.I was still feeling depressed,but it soon passed.Aside from that emotional roller coaster ride,I also have to put up with the schizophrenic tendencies alongside the BPD and that makes the struggles and endurance even more difficult.It also doesn't make my SSA struggles any easier.I am still going to continue attending my therapy sessions and continue to take my medication as directed.I am still hoping that one of these days,my recovery will start improving.
Regarding my SSA struggles,I was again tempted to masturbate when I was awakened twice by morning erections at two separate intervals in the wee early morning hours.The temptation was really overwhelming as both of these erections were throbbing ones indeed.At both times,I had to get up as tossing and turning wasn't working.I simply took a walk to the bathroom on both occasions and the erections softened when I arrived there.I had to go use the bathroom on both these intervals and it did help to kill the temptation.I simply went back to sleep.Though I escaped these episodes,I know that the temptation to act out in any way shape or form can rear it's ugly head when least expected.I have to continually keep in mind that it will and at times,I have to figure out ways to fight the temptation.Right now,I get tempted to masturbate whenever I get an early morning erection.But I also get tempted in other ways as well.I still get tempted to go out and seek male partners for the purpose of having sexual activity with them,but I don't give into that as that will never give me what I truly need and want.I simply stay home when that temptation starts to happen.I have to keep in mind that having sexual activity with other men will never give me what I need or want,which is affirmation of my gender identity and the feelings of authenticity that go with the affirmation.Acting out on these unnatural SSA desires in any way,shape or form will only reinforce the Homosexual identity and keep me even farther away from what I truly need and want.My needs need to be filled authentically as my needs are not sexual as the needs are really deep and the sexual desires,though unnatural,are from not getting those need met authentically as I never got what I needed and wanted from my father because I never received my father's love nor his affirmation of my male identity at all.All I ever got was his physical and emotional abuse and not what he was supposed to do.All he cared about was his agenda,forcing it on me when I was still a child and not caring about me nor loving me like he was supposed to do.My father was very legalistic in his approach.Again,I did escape those temptations and I am glad.Still,though I did get a word of advice from a follower,I am still open to anything else from any more people.Thanks in advance for anything.
As for tomorrow,I have no plans.But whatever I do,I hope that it gives me positive benefits.
That was my day today and my hopes for the day ahead.FJ

Tonight,my road to recovery continues to go forward,though still a rocky road.I had a very good and eventful day today.
Today,I woke up in the early morning and I bathed.After my bath,I had my usual quick breakfast and my usual 2 cups of coffee.After that,I got dressed up in a suit to head over to the church for the morning study class and the worship service afterwards.As usual,I look forward to attending each Sunday as I am always looking forward to worshiping with my fellow church brothers and sisters.
Both the study class and the worship service were wonderful as I got a lot out of them both.After some fellowship,I headed for home.
On the way home,I stopped at a small yard sale and bought several record albums.After paying for those,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I got out of my suit and into a pair of sweatpants.I also did my personal PC work after that.
After my PC work was done,I got all of my dirty clothes ready to go to the laundromat to get them clean.It took me a few minutes,but I got them all packed and I headed for the laundromat.
On the way,I stopped at a local pizzeria to pick up a few pizza slices for lunch.After that,I stopped at a local 7-Eleven to pick up a small bottle of cold milk.After paying for it,I headed straight for the laundromat.
When I got to the laundromat,I immediately found a washer to put my dirty underwear in and I also put some color clothes in a separate washer.I them waited for a while for them to get clean.
After they were washed,I popped all of the clothes in a few dryers to get dried up.After that was done,I folded everything up and bagged it.I headed straight home after that.
When I got home,I sorted out all of my laundry and I relaxed for a while after doing so.
After eating,I watched the evening news for a while and I did some more personal PC work and some recommended Holy Bible reading.Overall,a very good and eventful day.
My recovery continues despite being on a rocky road.Each and every day,I am putting up with the symptoms of BPD and the emotional roller coaster ride that I am always on.I don't know when I will be up or when I will be down.I just can't predict ahead of time how my mood will be.One day,I can be up and feeling good,but the next day,I can be down and feeling not so good.It is an endless up and down cycle.Aside from the BPD,I also have to put up with the schizophrenic tendencies that I have alongside the BPD and that makes it even more difficult.It also doesn't make my struggles with SSA any easier.I am still attending my therapy sessions and I am also taking my medication as directed.I am still holding onto the hope that my recovery will start improving in the near and distant future.
Regarding my SSA struggles,I was again tempted to masturbate when I was awakened by morning erections as two separate intervals in the wee early morning hours.They were both throbbing ones.I really had to fight the temptation to masturbate these erections away.With the first erection,I simply got up to use the bathroom as I had to get up and use it anyway at that time.After that,I simply went back to sleep.With the second one,I had to get up for church anyway,so I simply went to the bathroom to not only use it but also to put bath water in to clean up for church.Though I escaped these two episodes,I have to continually keep in mind that the temptation to act out by masturbating can rear it's ugly head when least expected.I have to continually keep fighting this temptation and also,I am still fighting to resist other temptations,such as the temptation to seek other men out for the purpose of acting out sexually with them or the temptation to fantasize with other men alongside the temptation to masturbate to these or whenever an erection happens.Though I am putting a little word of advice shared with me to practice,I am still open to any more advice or suggestions as to how I can continually resist any temptation to act out in any way,shape or form.Thanks in advance for any suggestions.
Tomorrow,I have an online recovery resources groups that I need to attend.After that,I have no other plans.But whatever I choose to do,I hope that it gives me positive benefits.
That was my day today and my hopes and plans for the day ahead.FJ

Tonight,I am still on that rocky road to recovery,but I am remaining hopeful.I had a pretty good day today.
Today,I woke up in the early morning and I bathed.After my bath,I got dressed into my jeans and had my usual breakfast and coffee.After breakfast,I finished my dressing and I headed over to the monthly Men's Network meeting that I attend every month and I was going there with lots of enthusiasm and positive anticipation.
The meeting was wonderful.After it was over,I headed for home.
On the way home,I stopped at the local Super Wal-Mart to pick up a couple of things that my mom needed.After paying for those items,I headed over to the bank to withdraw some money for myself.After that,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I immediately did my personal PC work and after that was done,I headed back out again to do a little bit more before calling it a day.
I had only more thing to do.I went to a local supermarket to pick up something that I needed.After paying for that,I headed straight home and was there for the rest of the day.
When I got home,I relaxed and popped a DVD into the DVD player to watch.
After eating,I watched the evening news for a while and I did some more personal PC work and also did some recommended Holy Bible reading.Overall,a pretty good day.
My rocky road to recovery continues to move forward.I haven't really improved very much as of yet,but again,it isn't easy when one has BPD.I have to continually put up with the emotional roller coaster ride that I am usually on as that is what I have when struggling with BPD and it's symptoms.On certain days,I am up and good and on other days,I am down and feeling bad.I just don't know what to expect nor do I know what my mood will be like from one day to the next.Aside from BPD,I also have to struggle and endure the schizophrenic tendencies that I have alongside the BPD,which doesn't make it any easier.It also doesn't make my struggles with SSA any easier either.It makes those struggles also very difficult.I am still attending my therapy sessions and I am also taking my medication as directed.I am hoping that someday soon that my recovery will start improving.
Regarding my SSA struggles,I was again tempted to act out by masturbating when I was awakened by an erection in the wee early morning hours.This also was another throbbing erection as well.I really had the temptation to masturbate this erection away.Whenever I got an erection in the past,masturbation was the only way that I would have gotten rid of it.But now,since I have learned the truth about Homosexuality and the healing process from it alongside the change process,my priorities have changed as I want to do what is right in the eyes of God.Masturbation is simply an unclean and impure habit where a person's sexuality owns them rather than they owning it.It is also a form of acting out when one struggles with the Homosexual condition and the desires alongside this as more Homosexual men masturbate than Heterosexual men do.For Homosexual men,masturbation is like an assertion and for them,a way to connect with their lost maleness.The thing is that masturbation will never connect me with my lost maleness nor will it give me the affirmation of my gender identity and the feelings of authenticity that go with that affirmation.Masturbation will only reinforce the Homosexual identity,which is what I am trying to distance myself from and also trying to escape from and disown.I know that I wasn't born this way and I also know that God never intended me to be Homosexual.I want to be the man that God intended me to be and the man that I was meant to be.I still get the temptation to go out and seek male partners for the purpose of acting out sexually with them,but I don't do that because that also won't give me what I truly need,which is the aforementioned affirmation of my gender identity and the feelings of authenticity that go with that affirmation.I know that I will be tempted again to act out by masturbating and I want to stop that.Though I have received some advice and I am also putting that into practice,I am still open to any more suggestions or advice as to what has worked for you.Thanks in advance.
Tomorrow,I have church as usual and the morning's Holy Bible study class an hour and a half before the worship service.I also have plans to do my laundry in the afternoon.
That was my day today and my hopes and plans for the day ahead.FJ

Tonight,my road to recovery continues to move forward,but the road is still a rocky one.I had a pretty good day.
Today,I woke up in the early morning and I bathed.After my bath,I had my breakfast and coffee and after that,I did my personal PC work.I also got dressed as I had quite a lot planned today.
The very first thing that I did was that I went to the post office to mail out some stuff that needed to be mailed out.After that,I headed over to the bank to withdraw some money for my mom and myself.After that was done,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I immediately registered all the bills that I had and right after that,I headed back out as I was going to get my hair done.I really needed a haircut and I wanted to get it done today.
When I got to the hair place,I waited for a while and after my hair was done,I paid and headed straight home.
When I got home,I relaxed and I watched a little bit of TV for a while.
I was hoping to meet with the pastor of the church as I have been doing since the start of Spring,but today,I got a phone call from him informing me that he had to cancel today's meeting as he had an urgent personal call that he had to attend to,but said that the we would meet again next Friday.
After eating,I watched the evening news for a while and I did some more personal PC work,alongside some recommended Holy Bible reading.Overall,a pretty good day.
My recovery continues to go forward,although the road the road is still a very rocky one.Then again,when anyone,like myself,struggles with the symptoms of BPD,it is always a difficult road to walk on.I have to put up with the emotional roller coaster ride that I am constantly on.I don't when my mood will be up and good or down and bad.It is a continuous cycle that just keeps going and going.I sometimes wish that it would stop once in a while so I can start feeling good again.If putting up with BPD wasn't bad enough,I also have to put up with the schizophrenic tendencies that I have alongside the BPD and that also doesn't make it any easier.It also doesn't make my SSA struggles any easier either.Not only that,I am also trying to break free from the grip of anger.I have been constantly saying angry things to myself pretending that there are people there when there is nobody there.I have anger towards certain people who are family and who are not family.I want to break free from this and get more out of my life and enjoy it.If anyone has any advice or suggestions for this,please share.I am open to anything as I really do want to break free from this grip that anger has on me.Thanks for anything shared in regards to anger.As far as BPD and the schizophrenic tendencies,the only things that I can do is continue my therapy sessions and to continue taking my medication as directed.I just hope that my recovery will start improving soon.
Regarding my SSA struggles,I gave into temptation in the wee early morning hours when I masturbated an erection away.It was another throbbing kind of erection and this time,I just grabbed my genitals and masturbated until I ejaculated.I really felt miserable as I felt that I failed myself and God by doing that.I really don't know why I masturbated this morning.I didn't want to,but I did.I guess that it is all the anger that I have in me that I want to break free from,but somehow I have been failing to do that.It just keeps coming back.Again,I really felt miserable after giving into the temptation to act out by masturbating.I am so desperate to connect with my true maleness that it's insane.I never got my true maleness as I never received anything like that from my father nor did I even receive it from any of my fellow man as I have been rejected by many of my fellow men over the course of my life.I am also desperate to break free from this dreaded Homosexual identity.I don't want to be a Homosexual anymore.I want to be the man that God wants me to be and what he intended me to be.I really need to connect with other guys in a healthy authentic way.I also want to stop this unclean and impure masturbation habit as it really has a hold on me.I want to stop doing this.I also want to stop these unnatural attractions to members of my own gender.Each and every day,I am always tempted to go out and seek male partners to act out sexually with.I don't do that as it will never give me what I want,which is affirmation of my gender identity and the feelings of authenticity that go with that affirmation.I still have to keep in mind that acting out on these unnatural sexual desires will only reinforce the Homosexual identity and keep me as far away from my true maleness as it will only leave me feeling empty and wanting more.I have tried a lot of things to try to help me resist that temptation,but it isn't working.I have been reading a lot during the day as I have been advised to do by a fellow follower,but I am still being tempted.Most of the time,the temptation happens in the wee early morning hours as far as masturbation goes.Throughout the day,I do get tempted to seek out a male partner to act out with,but I don't give into that as I know that it will never give me what I truly want and seek.Plus,whenever those old anger issues come back and I start saying angry things to myself as a result of them,the feelings and the temptation return to trouble.I know that we all will get tempted and that temptation is a part of living,but I do want to keep working to resist any sort of temptation.Again,if anyone has any suggestions or advice or want to share what has worked for them,please share.I am open to anything.Thanks.
As for the weekend,I have a Men's Network meeting that I need to attend and I also have church on Sunday.Also,I have plans to do my laundry on Sunday afternoon as well.
That was my day today and my hopes and plans for the weekend ahead.FJ

Tonight,my road to recovery continues to go forward,though it is still a rocky one.I had a pretty good day today.
Today,I woke up in the early morning and I bathed.After my bath,I had breakfast and coffee and afterwards,I did my personal PC work.I got dressed after that was done and proceeded to get on with the rest of the day.
I had a spirituality group that I needed to attend.I was looking forward to this with a lot of positive anticipation and enthusiasm.I headed over to the group with high hopes.
The group went great.After it was over,I headed over to a local kitchen for some lunch.After lunch,I headed for home.
On the way home,I stopped at the bank to withdraw some money for my mom and also for myself.After that was done,I headed over to the nearby card shop to pick up a few cards.After paying for those,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I relaxed and took it easy for a while.
After eating,I watched the evening news for a while and I did some more personal PC work and some required Holy Bible reading.Overall,a pretty good day.
My recovery continues onward,but it is still a very rocky road.When you are someone who struggles with bipolar depression(as BPD for subsequent posts),the struggle is never easy.I have to continually put up with the emotional roller coaster ride that I am always on.I never know when I will be up or down.It is always unpredictable.Aside from that,I also have to put up with the schizophrenic tendencies that I have alongside,which makes this even more difficult.I will still continue my therapy sessions and I will continue to take my medication as directed.I am also going to continue hanging onto the hope that someday soon,my recovery will start improving.
Regarding my SSA struggles,I was again awakened by yet another morning erection in the wee early morning hours.It was also another throbbing one.I was tempted to masturbate the erection away when this happened.But again,I fought the temptation.I started to get up and the minute that I did,the erection died down slowly and I laid back down to go back to sleep.Though I escaped this episode,I know that the temptation to act out on my desires can rear it's ugly head when least expected.Most of the time,I usually get tempted to masturbate whenever a morning erection happens and at times,other immoral thought can go through my head.I also get tempted to manipulate my genitals for the purpose of getting them erect or near erect to masturbate as well.There are also other instances when I am tempted to go out and seek male partners for the purpose of acting out with them in a sexual manner.But instead,I choose to fight these rather than give into them.I know that acting out on my desires in any way will never give me what I want,which is affirmation of my gender identity and the feelings of authenticity that go with that affirmation.Acting out in any way,shape or form will only reinforce the Homosexual identity,which is the identity that I am trying to abandon and remove myself from as God never intended for men to have sexual relations or activity with each other.God intended man to be Heterosexual as he created man and woman for that reason.God approves of Heterosexuality and that is all.No questions asked.No if's,and's or but's.Again,though I did get some good advice from a follower and I am putting it into practice,I am still open to any more advice or suggestions from anyone else.Thanks in advance for sharing.
Tomorrow,I have an appointment with the pastor and I am hoping that it will go well.Earlier in the day,I have to go to the bank and withdraw some money for my mom.As for anything else,no plans as of yet.But I hope that whatever I choose to do gives me positive benefits.
That was my day today and my hopes and plans for the day ahead.FJ

Tonight,my road to recovery continues,though still rocky.I had a pretty good day today.
Today,I woke up in the early morning and I bathed.After my bath,I had my usual quick breakfast and my usual 2 cups of coffee.After breakfast,I did my personal PC work and I got dressed.I proceeded to get on with the rest of my day.
I really didn't have too much to do today.I only had a little bit to take care of.I headed over to the local K-Mart to pick up a few things that I needed.After paying for those items,I headed over to the local Wal-Mart to pick up some much needed stuff.After paying for those items,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I put everything away in their proper places and I relaxed for a while.
After eating,I watched the evening news for a while and I also did some more personal PC work followed by some required Holy Bible reading.Overall,a pretty good day.
My recovery continues to go forward and it is a rocky road at that.Then again,it's not easy dealing and struggling with the symptoms of bipolar depression(BPD).I have to continually put up with the emotional roller coaster ride that goes with the territory of having BPD.I don't know if my mood will be up or if it will be down.It is always a constant struggle to stay afloat and the mood swings never make it any easier.I also have to put up with the schizophrenic tendencies that I also have alongside the BPD.I have to always put up with hearing things that nobody else hears,such as footsteps,voices calling my name or saying something else and other things connected with that.The only things that I can do is to continue my therapy sessions and continue taking my medication as directed.I am still remaining hopeful that my recovery will start improving soon.
Regarding my SSA struggles,these haven't been any easier either.In the wee early morning hours,I was again awakened by another erection that was also another throbbing one.I was tempted to masturbate it away like you wouldn't believe.Like most of the last ones that I had,tossing and turning wasn't working.So,I got up to walk for about a minute and the erection died down.I also had to go to the bathroom and after finishing,I laid back down.Still,I also had the temptation to manipulate my genitals for the purpose of getting them erect or near erect for the purpose of masturbation and I did give into that,but I stopped when I realized what I was doing.It is just that I have so much energy that I should be using,but I really don't know how to use it.I know that there will be many people who will tell me to try exercising,but I have a bad bone spur in my right foot and that limits my physical abilities as when I try to walk long miles,the pain just gets worse.I also,at the moment,can't afford to join a gym or any fitness clubs.I would like to try that,but because of that one physical thing wrong with me,I can't do much.I would like to get those expensive supplements that I can buy online,but they are very expensive.I will just have to hang in there and wait until I can afford them.In the meantime,I will just have to keep on fighting and keep working on my strength to resist the temptation to masturbate when it comes either way.I also have to keep fighting the temptation to act out in other ways aside from seeking male partners out to act out with,such as the aforementioned masturbation,fantasies,porn and all other sorts of psychological acting out.Though I have received one bot of advice from a follower and though I am putting it into practice,I am still open to any other suggestions or advice.If anyone else who follows or just happens to find this blog and read the posts,please share what has worked for you.Thanks in advance.
Tomorrow,I have a spirituality group that I must attend.After that,I have no other plans.But whatever I choose to do,I hope that it gives me positive benefits.
That was my day today and my hopes and plans for the day ahead.FJ

Tonight,my road to recovery continues,though still rocky.I had a pretty good day today.
Today,I woke up in the mid morning and I bathed.After my bath,I had my usual quick breakfast and my usual 2 cups of coffee.After breakfast,I did my personal PC work and after that was done,I got dressed to proceed with the rest of my day.
I had only one small thing on my agenda today.I had to go to the drug store to pick up my prescription that I so desperately needed.After paying the copay on the medication,I headed for home.
On the way home,I made a stop at a local supermarket to pick up something that was needed for dinner.After paying for that,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I relaxed and watched TV for a while.
After eating,I watched the evening news for a while and I did some more personal PC work.Overall,a pretty good day.
My recovery continues to go forward,but it continues to be a very rocky road.My struggles with the symptoms of bipolar depression are really difficult.I have to put up with the emotional roller coaster ride that comes with the territory of having bipolar depression.On some days,I am up and feeling good while on other days,I am down and feeling bad.It is simply never ending.Aside from that,I have to put up with the schizophrenic tendencies that I have alongside the bipolar depression.The only things that I can continue to do is to continue my therapy sessions and to continue taking my medication as directed.I am still holding onto the hope that my recovery will start improving soon.
Regarding my SSA struggles,I was again tempted to masturbate in the wee early morning hours when I was awakened by an erection that was also another throbbing one.This was another really hard one as tossing and turning wasn't working.I had to get up and walk it away by heading for the bathroom to use it.The erection died down and I went back to sleep after using the bathroom.Though I escaped this episode,I still have to stay on guard and be watchful as the temptation to act out by masturbating or other ways aside from seeking male partners out for the purpose of acting out can rear it's ugly head when least expected.Don't get me wrong,I still get the temptations to seek out a male partner to act out with,but I simply choose not to feed that temptation by doing so.I have to keep in mind that the sexual desires for men represent and even deeper need to be around my fellow men in a healthy and authentic way.It shows that I do need deeper acceptance by other men in a healthy and authentic way as well as accepting my own intrinsic maleness as well as the intrinsic maleness of others in that very same way.I also have to continuously keep in mind that acting out on my desires in any way,shape or form will never give me what I want or deeply need,which is affirmation of my gender identity and the feelings of authenticity that go with that affirmation.Acting out on my desires,no matter what way it is,will only reinforce the Homosexual identity,which is the identity that I am trying to overcome and disown and whose sinful sexual activity I am trying to resist and disassociate from as that is not what I want to do.I want to be the man that God intended me to be and feel like A MAN among men.Though I have received a suggestion from a follower and I am putting it into practice,I am still open to any advice,ideas or suggestions as to how I can continue to stay strong and resistant to the temptation to act out in any way,shape or form.Thanks in advance for anything offered.
As for tomorrow,I have made no plans.But whatever I do,I hope that it gives me positive benefits.
That was my day today and my hopes for the day ahead.FJ

Tonight,my road to recovery continues onward,though still,it is a rocky road at that.I had a pretty good day today.
Today,I woke up in the early morning and I bathed.After my bath,I had my usual quick breakfast and my usual 2 cups of coffee.After breakfast,I did my personal PC work and got dressed to proceed with the rest of my day as I had a few things planned.
I first went to my recovery group over at the place where the groups are held.I was looking forward to this group with a lot of positive anticipation and enthusiasm.
The group went well.After it was over,I headed for home.
On the way home,I stopped at a local supermarket to pick up a few things.After paying for those items,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I put the groceries away and I relaxed for a short time as I had another appointment today.
I had to see my sexual abuse support counselor today.I was also looking forward to this session with her as I always do.I had a lot to talk with her about and I wanted to make sure that I was on time today.
The session also went well.After it was over,I headed for home.
On the way home,I stopped at another local supermarket to pick up one last thing.After paying for that,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I relaxed and watched a little bit of TV.
After eating,I watched the evening news for a while and I did some more personal PC work.Overall,a pretty good day.
My recovery continues to go forward,though it still a rocky road.I am still dealing and struggling with the symptoms of bipolar depression(BPD).I have to contend with the emotional roller coaster ride that I am always on day in and day out.It is always a difficult thing to deal with.Aside from that,I also have to deal with the schizophrenic tendencies that I have alongside the BPD.It also doesn't make my struggles with SSA any easier either.The only things that I can continue to do is to continue attending my therapy sessions and to continue taking my medication as directed.I am hoping that my recovery will start improving as I am getting a little impatient awaiting and improvement.
Regarding my SSA struggles,I gave into temptation late last night when I masturbated.Yes,I did fall and I did feel miserable as a result of it.I was again tempted to masturbate in the wee early morning hours twice when I was awakened by morning erections at two separate intervals.At both those times,tossing and turning didn't work anymore like it used to.I had to get up both of those times and walk to the bathroom and at both those instances,the erections died down.I simply went back to sleep at both times and later,I had to get up to bathe and get ready for the day.I did fall late last night and though it made me feel miserable,I am moving on.Though I did escape the two wee early morning instances,I still have to keep in mind that the temptation to act out in other ways aside from seeking out male partners to act out with can rear it's ugly head when least expected.I have to stay on guard and be watchful.I also have to continue working on staying strong to resist any temptation to act out.Masturbation will never connect me with my lost maleness nor will it make me anymore a man than the next guy.Masturbation will only reinforce the Homosexual identity,which I am trying to overcome and abandon.I still don't want to be a Homosexual.I want to be A MAN and the man that God intended me to be.I don't want to masturbate nor do I want to act out on any of these unnatural sexual desires anymore.I want my true identity to be reinforced,which is male.I am a male and a man.I want to be the man that God wants me to be and intended me to be.I know that God never intended me to be a Homosexual because God,though he doesn't condemn the condition,condemns the sexual activity between two members of the same gender as the Holy Bible says that it is unnatural,inappropriate and just plain wrong.If anyone out there can help me with any advice or suggestions,please do so.I have received one idea from a follower,but I am open to anything else in the form of advice.Thanks to anyone who shares.
As for tomorrow,I have made no plans.But whatever I do,I hope that it gives me positive benefits.
That was my day today and my hopes for the day ahead.FJ

Tonight,my road to recovery continues,though it is still a rocky road.I had a very good and eventful day today.
Today,I woke up in the early morning and I bathed quickly.After my bath,I had my usual quick breakfast and I had 3 cups of coffee.After breakfast,I got dressed up really quickly and I headed over to the church for the Holy Bible study class and the morning worship service afterwards.
Both the class and the service were wonderful.I did get quite a lot out of both of them.After some fellowship,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I got out of my suit and I put on a pair of sweatpants.After hanging mu suit and dress shirt up,I had a quick lunch and I did my personal PC work.After that was done,I decided to relax and take it easy for a while.I also popped a DVD in the DVD player while doing so.I had really nothing else to do.
After eating,I watched the evening news for a while and I also did some more personal PC work.Overall,a very good and eventful day.
My road to recovery,though it is still a rocky one,continues without interruption.It is still a very difficult one because I do struggle with bipolar depression.I have to put up with my mood continually going up one day and down the next.I really don't know how my mood will be at times because it is a very unpredictable thing as regards to bipolar depression.I don't know if I will be up and feeling good or down and feeling sad.Not only that,I not only have to deal and struggle with bipolar depression,but I also have to deal with the schizophrenic tendencies that I have alongside it,which makes it even more difficult.The only things that I can continue to do is to continue my therapy sessions and to continue taking my medication as directed.I am hoping that my recovery will start to improve soon.
Regarding my SSA struggles,I was again tempted to masturbate in the wee early morning hours when I was awakened by a morning erection.It was also another throbbing one at that.Usually,tossing and turning works for me,but this time,I tossed and I turned very aggressively.But the erection wouldn't die down.This time,I had to get up and use the bathroom again and while walking there,the erection died down.After that bathroom,I went back to sleep.Though I escaped this episode,I still have to stay on guard and be watchful as the temptation to act out on my desires can rear it's ugly head when least expected.I also have to try to continue to stay strong and continue to fight to resist any temptation to act out in other ways aside from seeking a male partner out to act out with.It isn't easy fighting to resist the temptation,but I have to give it all I've got.While I did get a suggestion from a follower and I am using it,I am still open to any other suggestions or advice.Thanks in advance for any of that provided.
Tomorrow,I have a group that I need to attend.Aside from that,I have no other plans.But whatever I do,I hope that it gives me positive benefits.
That was my day today and my hopes and plans for the day ahead.FJ

Tonight,my road to recovery continues onward,though still a rocky road.I had a pretty good day today.
Today,I woke up in the mid morning and I bathed.After my bath,I had my usual quick breakfast and my usual 2 cups of coffee.After breakfast,I did my personal PC work and I got dressed to get ready for the day.I had a lot planned and I wanted to get everything accomplished.
I first went to the public library to do some printing.After that was done,I headed over to a friends place in another part of the county to see how he was doing.After spending a few minutes with him,I headed for home.
On the way home,I stopped at a local supermarket to pick up something that I needed.After paying for that,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I relaxed and took it easy for a while.
After eating,I watched the evening news for a while and I did some more personal PC work.Overall,a pretty good day.
My road to recovery,though it is rocky,continues onward.It isn't easy trying to cope with bipolar depression and it's symptoms.It is just that it is a continuous emotional roller coaster ride that doesn't want to end.On certain days,I am up and feeling good.But on other days,I am feeling down and not so good.I just don't know what mood I will be in as the days continue.Aside from dealing and struggling with bipolar depression,I also have to deal with the schizophrenic tendencies that I have,which makes it all even tougher.Somehow,I am managing and that is good.I am still continuing my therapy sessions and I am also continuing to take my medication as directed.I am still holding onto the hope that my recovery will start improving very soon.
Regarding my SSA struggles,I was tempted to masturbate in the wee early morning hours when I was awakened by a morning erection.It was also another throbbing one.As with the erection that I had yesterday morning,I had to really fight this one,though the tossing and turning that I was doing wasn't helping.I simply got up and sat up for a while and since I had to use the bathroom,I headed over to it and the erection died down.Though I escaped this episode,I still have to stay on guard and be watchful as the temptation to act out in other ways,aside from seeking a male partner out to act out with,can rear it's ugly head when least expected.I also have to continually keep in mind that acting out,no matter what type of acting out it is,will never give me what I need and want,which is affirmation of my gender identity and the feelings of authenticity that are a part of that affirmation.I want to be and feel like A MAN.I want to be the man that God intended me to be.I know that God never intended for me to be Homosexual as many of those ignorant so called "Homosexual/Gay" activists claim.I also have to continually keep in mind that masturbation will never connect me with my lost maleness as it will only reinforce the Homosexual identity.Masturbation is a very unclean and dirty habit.Though I did get a suggestion from a follower and I have been applying it,I am still open to any other suggestions.Please share with me what has worked for you.Thanks.
Tomorrow,I have church as usual and the usual Holy Bible study class an hour and a half before the service.As for the rest of the day,I have no other plans.But whatever I do,I hope that it gives me positive benefits.
That was my day today and my hopes and plans for the day ahead.FJ

Tonight,my road to recovery continues to move forward,though still rocky.I had a very good day today.
Today,I woke up in the mid morning and I bathed.After my bath,I had my usual quick breakfast and my usual 2 cups of coffee.After breakfast,I did my personal PC work and I got dressed.I had some stuff that I needed to do and I wanted to get them accomplished.
I first went to a local supermarket to pick up a few things that my mom needed.After that,I headed straight home to drop off the stuff and I relaxed for a while before going to the next thing on my agenda,which was a meeting with the pastor of the church in the late afternoon.I wanted to be ready for that as I did have lots to talk with him about.
The meeting with the pastor was wonderful.After it was over,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I watched some TV and relaxed.
After eating,I watched the evening news for a while and I did some more personal PC work.Overall,a very good day.
My road to recovery still continues to move forward,but it is a very rocky road at that.I am still having to deal and struggle with the symptoms of bipolar depression.I don't know when I will be up and feeling good or when I will be down and feeling bad.It is a continuous emotional roller coaster ride.I don't know what my mood will be like as I am continuing to deal and struggle with all of this.Plus,I also have to deal with the schizophrenic tendencies that I have alongside the bipolar depression.It is never an easy thing to deal with.It also makes my struggles with SSA even more difficult.The only things that I can continue to do is to continue taking my medication as directed and continue with my therapy sessions.I am just hoping that my recovery will start improving soon and that I will have some days when I will be feeling good.
Regarding my SSA struggles,I was tempted to masturbate in the wee early morning hours when I was awakened by a morning erection.It was also another throbbing one.This time around,tossing and turning wasn't working.So,I decided to get up and walk to the bathroom since I had to use it.The erection died down while walking there and after using the bathroom,I went back to sleep.Though I escaped this episode,I still have to stay on guard and be watchful as the temptation to act out on my desires in other ways aside from seeking a male partner to act out with can rear it's ugly head when least expected.I have to work on keeping myself stronger and to continue to work on resisting the temptation to act out by masturbating because masturbation only reinforces the Homosexual identity and keeps me father away from what I am truly seeking,which is affirmation of my gender identity and the feelings of authenticity that go with that affirmation.I want to be A MAN and and what God intended me to be.I know that God didn't make me Homosexual as God condemns the sexual activity associated with Homosexuality.The Holy Bible says that it is sinful and that it's also inappropriate as God made man and woman and not the way that the so called "Homosexual/Gay" culture portrays it.Though I have been applying the advice of one of my followers,I am still open to other suggestions or advice on how I Can continue to resist the temptation to act out in other ways aside from seeking male partners out for the purpose of acting out sexually with them.Thanks in advance for any help.
As for the weekend,I have made no plans.But whatever I do,I hope that it gives me positive benefits.
That was my day today and my hopes and plans for the weekend ahead.FJ

Tonight,my road to recovery continues,though it is still a rocky road.I had a pretty good day today.
Today,I woke up in the early morning and I bathed.After my bath,I had my breakfast and my usual 2 cups of coffee.After breakfast,I did my personal PC work and I got dressed.I had only a few things planned for today and I wanted to get them accomplished.
I first had a spirituality group that I needed to attend.I was looking forward to this with a lot of positive anticipation and enthusiasm.I headed over there and arrived there half an hour ahead of time.
The group was wonderful as I got a lot out of it.After the group,I headed over to a local community kitchen to have lunch.After lunch,I headed for a friends house to see how he was doing.After spending a few minutes with him,I headed for home.
On the way home,I stopped at a local supermarket to pick up a couple of things that my mom wanted me to get.After paying for those items,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I put the stuff away and I relaxed for a while.
After eating,I watched the evening news for a while and I also did some more personal PC work.Overall,a pretty good day.
My recovery continues onward despite the road being rocky.I am still having to deal with the symptoms and the continuous emotional roller coaster ride of bipolar depression(BPD).It is always a rough road.I have to put up with all of this on a one day at a time basis.I don't know what my mood will be day after day.Aside from the BPD,I also have to put up with the schizophrenic tendencies that I also have,which makes it even rougher.Plus,it also doesn't make my struggle with SSA any easier.The only things that I can continue doing is to continue my therapy sessions and continue taking my medication as directed.I am still holding onto the hope that my recovery will start to improve very soon.
Regarding my SSA struggles,I was again tempted to masturbate in the wee early morning hours when I was awakened by an erection.It was also another throbbing one.I had to really fight this one.I aggressively tossed and turned until the erection died down and I went back to sleep.Though I escaped this episode,I still have to stay on guard and be watchful.I never know when the temptation to act out in any way,other than seeking a male partner out to act out with,can rear it's ugly head when least expected.I will just have to muster all the strength that I have to resist the temptation to masturbate any erection away or to simply do it for the sake of doing it.Though I did get some good advice from a follower and I am using it,I am still open to any suggestions or advice on how I can continue to resist.I would like to know what has worked for any or all of those who have been reading.Thanks in advance for anything shared.
Tomorrow,I have another meeting with the pastor and I am hoping that it goes well.As for the rest and most of the day,I have nothing else planned.But whatever I do,I hope that it gives me positive benefits.
That was my day today and my hopes and plans for the day ahead.FJ

Tonight,my road to recovery continues onward,though still rocky.I had a pretty good day today.
Today,I woke up in early morning and I bathed.After my bath,I had my usual quick breakfast and my usual 2 cups of coffee.After breakfast,I did my personal PC work and I got dressed.I had only a few things planned for today and I needed to get them done.
I first headed over to the local Super Wal-Mart to pick up a couple of things that my mom needed for the home.After paying for those items,I dropped them off at home and I headed over to the eye doctor's office as I had an appointment with him today.I arrived and I waited for a short time.
The examination went well.After getting a good report,I headed straight home as I wanted to make sure that my eyes felt better before doing anything else.
When I got home,I simply relaxed and took it easy for a while.I had to rest my eyes after all of that examination.
After eating,I watched the evening news for a while and did some more personal PC work.Overall,a pretty good day.
My recovery continues onward,but I am still encountering a rocky road.I am still dealing and struggling with the symptoms of bipolar depression(BPD).I am still dealing with the emotional roller coaster that I am always on.One day,I can up and feeling good.The next day,down and not so good.This happens on a daily basis and I have to deal and struggle with this day after day.Aside from the BPD,I also have to deal with the schizophrenic tendencies that I have and that can make my struggles with BPD really difficult as I also have to put up with hearing sounds that nobody else hears around me.It is,at times,unbearable.I still hang in there and I try to live day to day.I still attend my therapy sessions.I also still take my medication as directed.I am hoping that my recovery will start to improve soon.
Regarding my SSA struggles,I got a double whammy in the wee early morning hours when I was awakened by two morning erections at two separate intervals.The first one was a really hard one and was also a throbber.I had to really toss and turn aggressively until it died down.The second one,which happened not to long after,was another really hard one and this time,tossing and turning didn't help to soften my genitals.I had to go to the bathroom and when I got up to walk to the bathroom,my genitals softened.After that,I slept for a little while longer.Though I escaped these two episodes,I still have to keep in mind that the temptation to act out in other ways,other than seeking a male partner to act out with,will rear it's ugly head when least expected.I also have to keep in mind that acting out,no matter how I do it,will never give me the affirmation of my gender identity nor the feelings of authenticity that go with that affirmation.Acting out,no matter what form of acting out it is,will only reinforce the Homosexual identity.Acting out by masturbation or any other ways,aside from seeking male partners to act out with,will only reinforce the Homosexual identity and keep me even further away from attaining that lost maleness that I really need to attain and to feel like A MAN and also,a man among men.Plus,my struggles with BPD make the struggle with SSA even more difficult as well,alongside the schizophrenic tendencies that I have as well.Again,though I did get some good advice from a follower,I am still open to any more.Thanks in advance for any help.
Tomorrow,I have a spirituality group that I need to attend.Aside from that,I have nothing else planned.But whatever I choose to do,I hope that it gives me positive benefits.
That was my day today and my hopes and plans for the day ahead.FJ

Tonight,my road to recovery continues,though it is still a rocky road.I had a pretty good day.
Today,I woke up in the early morning and I bathed.After my bath,I had my usual breakfast and 2 cups of coffee.After that,I did my personal PC work and I got dressed to proceed to get on with the rest of my day.
I had only a few things planned today.I first went to the bank to withdraw some money for myself and afterwards,I went home to register the bills.After that,I headed downtown to the hospital for my appointment with the nurse practitioner.
The session went well.After that was over,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I relaxed and watched a little TV.
Later on,I went back out to get dinner for me and my mom.My mom and I had a submarine sandwich each from Subway.The sandwich was delicious.After eating,I watched the evening news for a while and I did some more personal PC work.Overall,a pretty good day.
My recovery continues onward though the road is still a rocky one.I am still having to put up with bipolar depression and it's symptoms.I have to continually put up with the emotional roller coaster ride that goes with the territory of having bipolar depression.It is never an easy thing to deal with.Aside from this,I also have to put up with schizophrenic tendencies alongside the bipolar depression and that even makes it more difficult.It also makes the healing process from SSA also more difficult.The only things that I can do is continue to attend my therapy sessions and to continue taking my medication as directed.I just hope continually that my recovery will start to improve very soon.
Regarding my SSA struggles,I was again tempted in the wee early morning hours when I was awakened by an erection.I was tempted to grab my genitals and masturbate the erection away as that was my old way of dealing with this.But now,my priorities have changed as I don't want to masturbate anymore.Masturbation will only reinforce the Homosexual identity as masturbation is a form of acting out on my desires whether it is emotional,sexual or both.Masturbation will also never give me what I want and need,such as the affirmation of my gender identity and the feelings of authenticity that go with that affirmation.It is really becoming difficult to resist the temptation to masturbate because an erection,especially one that you get in the wee early morning hours that wakes anyone out of a deep sleep.Plus,sexual thoughts of men can sometimes cloud my mind as a result of me having that erection.I have been applying the advice given to me by a follower,but I am still open to anymore suggestions or ideas as to how I can continue to resist the temptation to act out by masturbating.Thanks in advance for any help.
Tomorrow,I have an appointment with my eye doctor.Aside from that,I have no other plans.But whatever I choose to do,I hope that it gives me positive benefits.
That was my day today and my hopes and plans for the day ahead.FJ

Tonight,my road to recovery continues,though it is still a rough one.I had a pretty good day today.
Today,I woke up in the mid morning and I bathed.After my bath,I had my usual quick breakfast and the usual 2 cups of coffee.After breakfast,I hurriedly did my personal PC work and I got dressed for the day as I had a group meeting that I needed to attend and I also had to do a couple of other things.
The group meeting was wonderful.After that,I headed for home.
On the way home,I stopped at the local Super Wal-Mart to pick up a couple of things and after paying for those,I headed over to the bank to make a deposit.After that was done,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I relaxed and took it easy for a while.
After eating,I watched the evening news for a while and I also did some more personal PC work.Overall,a pretty good day.
My recovery continues to go forward despite a rough road.It is just the struggle that one must go through when they are suffering from bipolar depression and they have to put up with the emotional roller coaster ride that goes with this.One day,my emotional state could be up and good while the next day,it could be down and bad.I have to put up with this on a daily basis.Aside from bipolar depression,I also have to put up with the schizophrenic tendencies that I have alongside that.I always have to put up with me hearing things that nobody else hears and always looking over my shoulder when I hear these things.It is really a difficult thing to put up with each and every day.The only things that I can do is to continue my therapy sessions and continue taking my medication as directed.I just hope that my recovery improves soon.
Regarding my SSA struggles,I gave into temptation late last night by masturbating.I really felt miserable afterwards as I felt that I failed my creator as a result of me giving into this temptation.Then,in the wee early morning hours,I was again tempted to masturbate when I was awakened by another erection.This was also another throbbing one and I didn't want to give into this temptation so I simply tossed and turned and simply tried to keep my hands to my sides to resist,though it wasn't an easy one.I have been really tempted this time around many times and I really don't know why.I don't want to act out in any way,shape or form anymore as acting out won't give me what I want.I want affirmation of my gender identity and the feelings of authenticity that go with that affirmation.I want to be A MAN and want to feel like A MAN.These terrible desires are really overwhelming at times and I at times really don't know if I am coming or going.Though I did get a suggestion from a follower,I am still open to anything else.Thanks.
Tomorrow,I have to see the nurse practitioner over at the local hospital.Aside from that,I have no other plans.But whatever I do,I hope that it gives me positive benefits.
That was my day today and my hopes and plans for the day ahead.FJ

Tonight,my road to recovery continues onward,though still rocky.I had a very good and eventful day today.
Today,I woke up in the early morning and I bathed.After my bath,I had my breakfast and had three cups of coffee to wake me up as I was still feeling sleepy.After breakfast,I got dressed up in a suit and headed for church for the morning's Holy Bible study class and the worship service afterwards.
Both the class and the service went wonderfully.After some fellowship with everyone afterwards,I headed for home.
On the way home,I stopped at a gas station to get some gas in my tank.After that,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I got out of my suit and into a pair of sweatpants.I did my personal PC work after that.After that was done,I had a light lunch and decided to relax for a while.
While relaxing,I popped a DVD in and I continued relaxing.
After eating,I watched the evening news for a while and I also did some more personal PC work.Overall,a very good and eventful day.
My recovery continues onward despite the road being rocky.It all shows that the struggle to deal with the symptoms of bipolar depression is really a very difficult one indeed.I never know how my mood will be one day or the other.I don't know if I will be up one day or if I will be down the other day.It is simply an emotional roller coaster ride that keeps going on a continuous cycle.Aside from the bipolar depression,I also have to deal and even struggle with the schizophrenic tendencies that I also have alongside.It is really a struggle to stay focused on reality and also,to stay focused on what is around you.I do at times hear things that nobody else hears like footsteps,my name being called by others who aren't there or just trying to say something negative or when it wants to engage you in conversation.It is really a tough thing.The only thing that I can continue to do is continue attending my therapy sessions and continue taking my medication as directed.I am still holding onto the hope that my recovery will start improving very soon.
Regarding my SSA struggles,I was again tempted to masturbate in the wee early morning hours when I was awakened by an erection.It was also another throbbing one as well.I had to really and aggressively fight this temptation as it was really a very difficult one to resist.I had to really and aggressively toss and turn around until the erection died down.An few hours later,I had to get up to bathe anyway to get ready to go to church,so I just slept soundly until then.Though I escaped this episode,I still have to keep in mind that the temptation to act out in other ways,other than seeking male partners to act out with,can rear it's ugly head when least expected.I will just have to keep fighting the temptation and to continue to stay strong when the temptation to act out in any way,shape or form comes around.Though I have gotten a very good suggestion from a follower,I am still open to any other suggestions,advice and/or ideas on how I can continue to resist.Thanks to all who help.
Tomorrow,I have a group meeting that I must attend.Aside from that,I have no other plans.But whatever I do,I hope that it gives me positive benefits.
That was my day today and my hopes and plans for the day ahead.FJ