Tonight,I am feeling mixed emotions.I had a pretty smooth work day today.But something happened within me mentally that I do not know.All of a sudden,I started saying angry things to myself this afternoon as I was driving home.I do not know what sparked it and I guess that I will never know.I am hoping that this does not happen for a long time because I do not want to scare anybody away from me nor do I want to make anybody afraid of approaching me.That would really made me feel down if this would happen.I would also feel all alone if it were to happen.I don't want that to happen.I want people to approach me and even want to talk to me.I have not done that in quite a while.All of a sudden,I am starting all over again and I don't know what sparked this again.Again,I don't want people to be afraid of me nor do I want to make people afraid of approaching me.I am not going to dwell on this but I am going to continue to work on this until I can get to the root of the problem.I don't want to do this forever and I want to keep an even balance of my emotions.
What also added to this dilemma is that I masturbated.I felt miserable at first when I gave into this temptation.Not only that,my emotional state also contributed to why I gave in to this.Since I was in a negative emotional state,I was starting to have mental images of men with or without clothes on or even without their pants on and their genitals at full erection.I also had an image of me romancing with another man and performing sexual favors for them,mostly oral sex,which was my addiction before I started abandoning the Gay lifestyle.I have only had frequent occasional flashbacks but this was the first time in a long time that I was inundated with so much that I did not know whether I was coming or going.After giving in,I asked the creator to forgive me and then I forgave myself afterwards.I felt better after doing that and I am feeling a little bit better.But I am going to talk with the creator again tonight before I go to sleep.I still have an awful lot to talk with him tonight.I am just hoping that the rest of the week goes well enough.I don't need any more of what happened to me today emotionally.
Tomorrow is simply a pick up day.It won't be that long.After doing that,I can go home and rest up.I also have a meeting with my support group at the church and I am hoping that the meeting goes well,too.The weather is supposed to be wet tomorrow and there is really not a lot to do when it rains.
That was my day today and my hoped for day tomorrow.FJ