Tonight,I am feeling okay,hopeful and optimistic.It was a typical Saturday for me.I woke up,had breakfast and did my personal computer work.Nothing really negative to write about,it was just typical personal stuff.But I got it done and after that,I closed the internet off for a while and ran an errand for my mom.Just typical Saturday stuff.But I got them done and that gave me a feeling of accomplishment.
After I ran the errands,I stopped at the drug store that my niece worked at and she gave me the money that she owed me.I really did not expect to see her there but at least,I got the money and after buying a couple of things,I left for home.
When I got home,I bathed before eating so I could get cleaned up for tonight.I ate a pretty good dinner and checked some more e-mail.I did not get too much this evening.I also checked up on a couple of online groups that I am a moderator of and there was nothing negative happening in either of them,which made me feel good.
I am now relaxing at home and I am getting ready to entertain tonight.I am looking forward to doing that because I always enjoy what I do and I always know that the crowd enjoys it as well.As always,I am hoping that the evening goes well.Though I rarely,if ever,have an off night,I always hope for things to go well.You never know what might happen.Again,I am getting ready to do that and I am hoping that the night goes over well.
That was my day today and my hoped for night tonight.FJ

Tonight,I am feeling a bit better.I had a pretty smooth work shift today.After having a pretty good lunch,I started my work shift.It went by pretty well.I simply did my job today and after dropping off the laundry that was clean,I went home.After I dropped some stuff off,I went to the bank to cash my paycheck and to make a small deposit into my checking account to remove some overdrawn funds in it.I am hoping that I do not have to make any more deposits until the direct deposit of my disability check next month.I am just going to be checking my account daily to see if I am still in the black.I hate being overdrawn even if it's only a few dollars.At least,my bills were paid before that.I can now take it easy for now.
I am feeling a bit better than I have in the past few days.I am still battling the SSA demon because I am still at edge over what has happened the past few days.I am feeling more downs than ups.But I am hoping that I can get over this in time.I really hate having SSA.But I am stillin the battle to change that about myself.I am accepting that life will have it's ups and downs but lately,the downs have really been dominating me and it has made my SSA skyrocket.But now,the SSA is gradually going down.I still have to take all of this one day at a time and get through little by little each day.I can never think of never being sexually attracted to men forever.I look at terms of relieving myself of this emotional condition one day at a time.Again,as stated previously,I am not going to let these desires,which are,again,emotional in nature and represent unmet needs that are NOT sexual in nature but are,as stated already,emotional and only represent the drive to be accepted as A MAN and to fulfill myself with relating and identifying with my fellow men on a normal,level and healthy plain and simply just being one of the guys and feeling like one of the guys.Again,I have to take this in terms of one day at a time and handle the desires as they come.The only thing that I have to learn is how to cope with the desires the right way rather than the old false coping mechanisms that I am used to using.I feel that I am learning little by little how to do that but I still need to learn new ways of coping.If anybody out there can help,I will be glad to read some suggestions that any of you might have.
Tomorrow is the weekend.I am looking forward to that.I will be singing up a storm tomorrow night and I am hoping that the night goes well.
That was my day today and my hoped for night tomorrow night.FJ

Tonight,I am feeling okay.It was a pretty good day today.The work shift went by smoothly.I simply did my job and the rest took care of itself.I also had a pretty good lunch.I even had some nice conversations with a few people at work and that was good.
After I came home,I went out again to do a couple of things for my mom.I also went to pay my car insurance bill today and it is now paid for this month.I had to pay this because it was due today and it is now paid to avoid late fees.Afterwards,I took it easy at home and I had a very good dinner.I also went for a drive.The reason why I did was because I am thinking of trying a sexual addicts support group at another church in another area.I heard about it through someone who goes to my Wednesday night meetings at the church in another area.The only difference is that this group at the Catholic church is non-spiritually based.The Wednesday night Baptist church ones are spiritually based.Again,I have been thinking of trying this because I do struggle with sexual addiction.I have been looking into attending a sexual addiction support group for quite a while and now that I have heard about this,I am thinking about giving it a try.My addiction at the moment is masturbation.But in the past,my addictions were simply performing oral sex on other males.Though I have not performed any sexual activity,oral or otherwise,with any man in quite a while,I still have fleeting thoughts surrounding this area and this has been contributing to my problems with masturbation.My emotional state due to my niece not complying with the verbal agreement that we made regarding the car insurance at the moment and that one issue with that friend who has said that he wants to patch things up with me but he's not returning my phone calls has made my SSA sky-rocket as of late and I feel that I need extra support regarding this.As I have previously stated,I do not want to act out on my desires because that will not give me the fulfillment that I am seeking or looking for.Nor will it give me the satisfaction that I truly need to feel like A MAN among men.Plus,I made a commitment to change my orientation and not reaffirm the Homosexual/Gay identity that I am trying to get rid of.Performing anything sexual,including oral sex,on a man will only reaffirm this identity that I do not want nor do I want to be affiliated with because I am trying to show that I am stronger than my desires and that they do not control me.I know that I did masturbate yesterday but I have been forgiven for that and I am moving on.Deep down,I do not believe in Homosexuality and I know that deep down,I do not find men sexually attractive.I was sexually abused by other males while I was groing up and this has really made it rough because the sexual abuse that I endured,including the rape episode that I endured when I was 16,really confused me and made me think that I was Gay,which I am not.I do not want to even be labeled this because in reality,there is no such thing as such.It is only the desires and the condition,which is emotional in nature and not sexual.But I know that deep down,I am not that at all,nor do I believe in having sexual relations with other men.I believe in the law that was set forth by the creator and that is man and woman.Again,I have to let my desires know that I control them.It is not them that control me.It is going to be tough but I am determined to do that.If I have to attend another group,than I have to.Again,I am thinking of giving this group a try in the near future.It if works out,great.If not,then it was worth a try.
Tomorrow is another work day.I am hoping that the day goes by smoothly.After that,it's the weekend.I am looking forward to that.
That was my day today and my hoped for day tomorrow.

Tonight,I am feeling pretty good.I had a wonderful meeting tonight at the church.The meetings are always wonderful.It is always great to get a lot of emotional baggage off of my chest.After the relapse I had today,I really needed that lift.
Earlier this afternoon,when I was home alone and my mom was at the beauty parlor,I was in such an emotional tirade over what has been happening to me this week,I wound up masturbating.My emotional state for much of the day was not very good.My niece giving me a hard time regarding the money that she owes for the insurance this month and my wanting to patch things up with somebody that is not even getting off of the ground by his lack of returning phone calls to me when I leave them on his answering machine.Still,I am holding on to the hope that it will get off of the ground soon enough.But my relapse really made me feel down but after I said a little prayer to ask for forgiveness and even forgave myself,I felt better.Still,the guilt did hang on to me for a while afterwards.But over the course of the day,I felt better.The meeting tonight was wonderful and it really made feel better.It is great that I found out about this group and to finally belong and be a part of a group is very rewarding and reassuring.I am looking forward to my next meeting next Wednesday night.
Tonight,when I got home,I got some rather distressing news.My little grandniece is sick.She has strep throat and scarlet fever.My niece had to pay some money because she does not have any medical insurance with her in between jobs at the moment.But my niece has already assured me that she will pay me back on Friday and that everything will work out.I am just hoping that my little grandniece gets better soon.
Tomorrow is a work day.I am hoping that the day goes smoothly.I am also going to be paying the car insurance tomorrow so I can keep it current.
That was my day today and my hoped for day tomorrow.FJ

Tonight,I am feeling okay.It was a very good day today.I had a very smooth work day today.The day went by pretty fast.I simply did my job and the rest took care of itself.After dropping off the clean laundry,I simply went home.I took it easy for a while at home because it was a very hot and humid day today.I had to go to the laundromat today to do my dirty underwear.Since it was hot and humid,I waited for the weather to cool for a while before leaving to do so.Before I went to the laundromat,I went to Sears to pick up some extra underwear because I did not have enough undershirts and socks to go along with the underpants that I had.So,I bought those to make it even.
The time at the laundromat was very positive.I talked with a few people and the conversations were nice.After my laundry was done,I bagged it and went home.
I am now at home relaxing.I am anticipating tomorrow because I have to do a pick-up in the morning.I also have an appointment with my sexual abuse support counselor in the afternoon and I have my weekly support group meeting at the church tomorrow night.I am hoping that both of these meetings go well.Again,I am anticipating tomorrow and I am hoping that everything works out for the best for me.
Thatw as my day today and my hoped for day tomorrow.FJ

Tonight,I am feeling okay.I had a not too eventful day today.I simply ran a few errands for my mom today.The day was also pretty sunny and bright today alongside being humid.But I just went about my business today and let nothing get between what I had to do.I simply went about the day.
I have been under a lot of stress as of late.The stress has been coming from my niece's uncooperation with a verbal agreement that we made late last year.My neice is currently on my insurance so she can drive her mini van to get here kids to school and to get back and forth to work.She agreed to give me her half of the money a week before the due date but she has not been cooperating.I have explained this to her but apparently,I don't think that what I am trying to get through is doing any good.She always says that she agrees but she always pays late.I always keep making sacrifices that I feel that I should not have to make in order to keep paying the insurance on time so I will not get in bad with my company.This has been going on for a long time and no matter what I say to her,it seems to fall on deaf ears.I understand that she has three kids and that she always has to think of them firsthand.But a verbal agreement is a verbal agreement.At least,that is the way I feel about it.I just hope that I do not have to make any more of these because I feel that I am really going to go crazy if I have to do that again.I am going to pay the bill tomorrow and I am hoping that this will not be a problem in the long run.I am just hoping that the rest of the week goes well.
Whenever my stress level goes up,my SSA skyrockets.I am trying to heal from unwanted SSA attractions but this is making them worse.Whenever my SSA skyrockets,I crave acting out sexually with other men and I do not want to do that.Deep down,it's what I want to do because it is all I have ever known but I am trying to leave the Gay sexual subculture behind and on the surface,it is not what I want to do.I truly believe that sexual relations between two men is unnatural and I do not want to go back there.I know the minute that I have sexual relations with one man,I want to have sexual relations with another man and so on until I am right back where I was before I started my healing from unwanted SSA.I don't want to indulge in this stuff because I do not believe in it nor do I think is the right way for a man to be or do.I am determined to heal and I am determined to be the Heterosexual man that I want to be as well as the man that I have always wanted to be.I want REAL male friends who I can confide in and trust and have the healthy relationships that every guy needs in order to be and even feel like a REAL man.I do not want to think of men as potential sexual partners nor do I want to think of them as anything having to do with that.I truly and way deep down believe that Homosexual sexual behavior is wrong and unnatural and it is not a healthy alternative to Heterosexuality.Again,I am determined to be a Heterosexual man and I am determined to overcome SSA at all costs.I am just hoping that the rest of the week goes by smoothly and that I do not have to make unneccessary sacrifices just to keep up with life.I am trying to save up money,not spend more.
Tomorrow is a work day.I am hoping that the day goes by smoothly.I could use a smooth work day and I could also use a smooth week.If the rest of the week goes by smoothly,that will be good.
That was my day today and my hoped for day tomorrow.FJ

Tonight,I am feeling pretty good.I was out of the house for most of the day.I ran a few errands for my mom.I had to pick up a couple of her prescriptions at the drug store.I also had lunch,which was my usual pepperroni pizza.I also manged to look around a few stores to look for IPOD players and compare prices.They are pretty expensive but they will get lower priced in the next few years.What I am interested in most is finding a CD recorder.I would like to transfer a few out of print LP's that I have onto CD.That way,I can preserve the vinyl records and keep them looking good.I am going to keep looking until I find one.I know that I have to save up for one but it will be well worth it.I would like to have some of my favorite records on CD because some of what I have in my vinyl collection are rare and hard to find and I want to keep the vinyl in good to great condition.I am a collector of rare records and again,I want to make sure that I keep my collection in good to near mint shape.
Last night,my night of entertaining the crowd was another big success.I really wowed them with the new songs that I tried out.The two new songs that I tried out were by Jethro Tull.The audience really showed their appreciation to me for what I did.It was another successful night for me and I am looking forward to the next time.I am hoping that the next night is as successful as last night.I really enjoy what I do.It is always a pleasure to entertain a crowd who always enjoys what I do.
Today,I did have a fun time out.I did not buy anything but I still had a wonderful time out.It was just great to get out and simply be out in the community getting some air and exercise.Yes,I enjoyed myself today.
Tomorrow is my day off.I have nothing planned but I know that something will come up.
That was my day today,my night last night and my hoped for day tomorrow.FJ