Tonight,my road to recovery continues to move forward and as a result of all the stuff that has happened,the road is becoming rocky.I had a pretty fair day today.
Today,I woke up in the mid morning and waited for some people to come before I showered.My sister,who has moved in with me,went out to pick our father up at the airport and I waited for the some medical people to come to pick up the things that we had gotten for mom when she became ill.I waited for them,but before they came,my sister brought our father in and we talked for a few minutes before I jumped into the shower to clean up.After the shower,I had my usual quick breakfast and I have been drinking more than coffee than usual.After breakfast,I did my personal PC work and got dressed to proceed with the rest of the day.
I spent most of the day in the house with my father as my sister went to her old house to be alone.Off and on,I talked with him and the conversations were going well enough.I kept the television off for much of that time as we talked.
During this time,I had to go out and get some much needed stuff.I went to the local K-Mart to pick up those things and after paying for them,I headed straight home to spend more time with my dad.
When I got home,I again sent some more time with my dad and it was wonderful.
After eating,my father and I spent some more time together and it was wonderful.Though the day with my father was good,I still considered the day fair as it was the day after my mom passed away and I am still feeling her absence.
Right now,my struggles with BPD are getting pretty rough right now as I am trying to comprehend the loss and just trying to carry on without her.I lived with my mother almost all of my life and we had gotten close,even though there were some times where we didn't agree with some things,but we still remained close.Now,with her gone,I am now trying and learning how to live without her being here.I do have my family,such as my sisters,my niece and now,with my father in town for several days,I can rest a little easier,but it will still be a rough road ahead.The schizophrenic tendencies that I have will also start to get worse,but I still have to hang in there and stay sane enough to live.I will still continue to take my medication and continue with my therapy.I will also still continue to rely on both God and his son Jesus Christ more whenever the struggle seems to be getting too unbearable for me to handle and also,seemingly too impossible to endure.I will simply continue to talk the matter over with God in the name of his son Jesus Christ repeatedly and I will simply hope to feel better after that.It will be rough,but with God and his son Jesus Christ leading the way,I know that I will be okay.Thanks to both God and his son Jesus Christ for everything that they do.
Regarding my SSA struggles,I was again tempted to masturbate in the wee early morning hours when I was awakened by yet another throbbing erection,but it didn't last long.It actually started to die down while I was sitting up and after a few minutes,I went back to sleep.I escaped that episode,but I later gave into temptation by looking at pornographic images and manipulating my genitals for the purpose of getting them erect or near orgasm then stopping.I did sin and after closing off the internet for a while,I asked God in the name of his son Jesus Christ to forgive me for my sins and after that,I felt better.I did manage to finish my personal PC work after that and I wasn't tempted for the rest of the day.I am at my most vulnerable right now as a result of my mother's death yesterday and I have to stay on guard and be watchful as Satan and his minions will be there to try and get me to go against God and his perfect law for us humans who worship him to follow.I can't let that happen.I have to keep calling out to God in the name of his son Jesus Christ for help and guidance and to get me through the storm of temptations that will now be coming as a result of my vulnerability during this tragic time.I will kepp going to both God and Christ and they will help me get through all of this,Thanks to both of them for everything that they do.Without them,I would be up the creek without a paddle and a boat.
Tomorrow,it will be church as usual in the morning and I am hoping to go and see a movie in the early afternoon.As for the rest of the day,I will just sit and have many talks with my dad and enjoy him being here until he goes back home to where he lives.
That was my day today and my hopes and plans for the day ahead.FJ

Tonight,I am mourning the loss of my mom.She died in her sleep late last night.My sister and I discovered this early this morning and we are all in mourning as a result of what has happened.I request that those who are reading and who regularly follow my blog to please keep me and my family in their prayers as we go through this whole grieving and mourning process.
For much of the morning,I simply stayed home to prepare for what was to be prepared as a result of what happened to my mom.We were preparing the funeral arrangements,such as the viewing and visitation and everything else.This was a very shocking thing to happen and I am still in a state of shock due to what has happened.I will be missing my mom and will always miss her.She was a wonderful lady and everything and again,I will always miss her and mourn her.
After those who will be preparing the funeral took my mom's body away,I set out to do what I had planned to do.Firsthand,I did shower,had breakfast and my usual coffee and after doing my personal PC work,I got dressed to proceed with the plans that I had scheduled.
I first went to the place where the groups that I attended were held to share the tragic news about my mom's passing and after signing some papers,I headed out to do some much needed shopping.
I first stopped at a local supermarket to pick up a few things and after that was done,I headed over to the local Super Wal-Mart to pick one other thing that was needed.I did share the news of my mom's passing with other friends and they shared their condolences with me.After paying for what I picked up at Wal-Mart,I headed straight home and stayed there for the rest of the evening.
When I got home,I simply put all the stuff away and I helped in preparations for the upcoming memorial services for my mom.I also managed to finish some things that I meant to do.
After eating,I watched the evening news for a while and did some more personal PC work.I also managed to get some more recommended Holy Bible reading in as well.
For tonight,I will not share anything in my recovery from the symptoms of BPD and the schizophrenic tendencies that I have alongside that nor will I talk about my struggles with SSA as a result of my mom's passing.I will discuss these things tomorrow because I am too busy and hung up on mourning my mom's tragic death.
I did manage to visit with my pastor to discuss me becoming a reinstated member of the church today and I will be a member starting the Sunday after this Sunday.
That was my day today.Thanks in advance for any prayers offered.FJ

Tonight,my road to recovery continues to go forward.I had a pretty good day today.
Today,I woke up in the early morning and I showered.After showering,I had my usual quick breakfast and my usual 2 cups of coffee.After that,I did my personal PC work and I got dressed to proceed with the rest of the day as I had a few things planned.
I first went to my usual Thursday morning Spirituality group,which I was looking forward to with a lot of positive anticipation and enthusiasm.
The group was wonderful.After it was over,I headed over to a local kitchen to have lunch and after that was over,I headed for home.
On the way home,I stopped at the local K-Mart to pick up a few things.After paying for those items,I headed over to a friends place to see how they were doing.After spending a few minutes with him,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I relaxed for a while and started to catch up on some music that I have been meaning to listen to and later,I watched a little TV.I also managed to get some recommended Holy Bible reading in as well.
After eating,I watched the evening news for a while and I did some more personal PC work.Overall,a pretty good day.
While my road to recovery continues to go forward,I am still,on a one day at a time basis,dealing and struggling with the symptoms of BPD and the emotional roller coaster ride that goes with the territory of having BPD.I never know how my mood will be from one day to the next,or,from one minute to the next.It is a never ending roller coaster ride of my emotions,where I can be up and feeling good one day or one minute,or,down and not so good the next day or minute.This means that it happens on a day to day thing or on the same day type of thing.I also have schizophrenic tendencies and that makes my BPD struggles even more difficult.Aside from the emotional roller coaster ride of BPD,I also have to endure hearing noises that only I can hear and not others,such as a voice calling my name or footsteps following me and turning and finding nothing.It is a never ending cycle.It simply never lets up.I am still attending my therapy sessions.I am also still taking my medication as directed.I am also still relying on Both God and his son Jesus Christ more whenever the struggle starts to seemingly get too unbearable for it's own good.When that happens,I simply take it to both God and Christ by praying about it and they help sustain me.It is simply a matter of taking it up with God and his son Christ Jesus to ask for help and they do it.They simply help keep me level and I move on.Thanks to both God and his son Jesus Christ for everything that they do.
Regarding my SSA struggles,I was again tempted to masturbate twice.Once during the wee early morning hours and the second time as I was rising up to get out of bed.Fortunately for me,these occurrences didn't last very long.I really didn't have to do anything as with the first occurrence,I simply turned another way and the erection died down and with the second occurrence,I simply got out of bed and headed for the bathroom to take my morning shower to clean up.Though I escaped this double whammy,I have to continually keep in mind that any temptation to act out on these unnatural desires that I have,no matter what form that they come as,can rear their ugly heads when least expected.I know that it is not a sin to be tempted,but it is a sin to give into any temptation to engage and/or indulge in sinful sexual activity between two members of the same gender or to lust after other men by masturbating to their images when they start to cloud the mind.The SSA struggles is never an easy struggle as I keep learning that day to day.Satan and his minions will try anything to get me to go against the law that God set forth in his sacred word,the Holy Bible.But I have to remain strong and stay the course.After that dream that I had while sleeping,it keep me even more determined,motivated and committed to keep the process up and never surrender.I also have to continually keep in mind to include God and his son Jesus Christ in all of this.I have to continually talk about my struggle with them whenever I need to have any more additional strength given to me to help in my fight to resist all sorts of temptations to act out on these unnatural desires that I have.Whenever temptation starts to rear it's ugly head in any way,shape or form,I throw it on God in the name of his son Jesus Christ and after I am finished talking about it,the temptation is reduced to nil and I can move on with the rest of the day.If I ever do give into temptation,I simply ask God in the name of his son Jesus Christ to forgive and after that,God wipes the slate clean and forgets about my sin as it is forgiven.Thanks to both God and his son Jesus Christ for everything that they do.
I had no dreams like I had the previous night.But if I do,I will share again.
Tomorrow,I am having a brief meeting with the pastor to discuss my reinstatement as a member of the church.Aside from that,I have nothing else planned.But I am hoping that whatever I choose to do gives me positive benefits.
That was my day today and my hopes and plans for the day ahead.FJ

Tonight,my road to recovery continues to go forward.I had a pretty good day today.
Today,I woke up in the late morning and I showered for the first time as my locally living sister,who has now permanently moved in,installed a shower in the bathroom and it was great.After that,I had my usual quick breakfast and my usual 2 cups of coffee.After breakfast,the pastor of my church came to the house to visit with my mom and the family and stayed a few minutes talking with all of us and left.After he left,I did my personal PC work and I got dressed to proceed with the rest of the day as I had only a few things planned.
I first went to the public library to print some more stuff that I wanted to have printed.After that,I went to the local K-Mart to pick up a couple or things that I needed.After paying for those items,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I managed to relax and take it easy for a while.I also managed to help my mom out a little today as the day went along.
After eating,I watched the evening news for a while and I did some more personal PC work.Overall,a pretty good day.
Though my road to recovery continues to go forward,I am still,on a daily basis,dealing and struggling with the symptoms of BPD and the emotional roller coaster ride that goes with the territory of having BPD.I never know how my mood will be from one day to the next,or,from one minute to the next.At times,I really don't know if I am coming or going.I also have schizophrenic tendencies and that makes my BPD struggle even more difficult.It's bad enough having BPD,but when you also have schizophrenia alongside that,it makes for a very bumpy ride through the emotional road and the road to recovery.I am still attending my therapy sessions.I am also still taking my medication as directed.I am also still relying on God and his son Jesus Christ more whenever the struggle seems to be getting too unbearable for me to handle.Whenever that happens,I simply rely on God and Christ by taking to them in prayer and they help sustain me.It is simply a matter of throwing it all on God in the name of his son Jesus Christ and their help in keeping me level and sustained.It is never easy dealing and struggling with any mental illness or when one has a combination of two of them,but with God's help,with his son Jesus Christ helping alongside him,I have nothing to worry about as they are always there willing to help when they are asked to help out.It shows that I am not alone in my struggle and that is great.Thanks to both God and his son,the one and only savior and very loving one at that,Jesus Christ,for everything that they do.
Regarding MY SSA struggles,I was again tempted to masturbate in the wee early morning hours when I was awakened out a deep sleep by yet another throbbing erection.It was a very overwhelming temptation and I really had to use all of my strength to fight and resist this temptation.I simply sat up and when I did,the erection was still strong and since I sensed that I had to use the bathroom,I got up and walked there and as I did,the erection started to soften and after I used the bathroom,my genitals were fully soft and I went back to sleep.Though I did escape this episode,I have to keep in mind that the temptation to act out on these unnatural desires that I have,no matter what form it might take,can rear it's ugly head when least expected.It always comes when I am not aware that it is coming.It is always unpredictable.I never know when it will strike.It can strike when I am trying to think of something wholesome or when I am trying to live the kind of holy life that my Heavenly Father wants me to live through his word,the Holy Bible.I also try to ask myself "What would someone who is a Christian do in a spot like this?" and I would try to find the answers via the scriptures in the Holy Bible or from books and daily devotions that have me look up very sound and important scriptures that help me deal with this sort of thing.It shows me that God is always there and that I am not alone in my fight.I am still turning to both God and his son Jesus Christ whenever the struggle seems to be getting too unbearable for me to handle.It is basically a matter to go in prayer to them and throwing any temptations that I get on them and after that,the temptation is reduced to nil.If I do ever give into any temptation,I simply ask God in the name of his son Jesus Christ to forgive me for my falling and after that,I feel better as God wipes the slate clean and forgets that I did sin.Thanks to both God and his son Jesus Christ for all of their help and guidance as they continue to restore me to the man that not only I want to be,but the man that they intend me to be.
I also want to share this with all of you who are reading.Last night,as I slept,I had a dream and this was pretty weird.I dreamed that I was in a room full of people and was talking to them.All of a sudden,a very beautiful and attractive woman came up to me and started to kiss me passionately.Soon,I started to kiss her more on my own and we both found ourselves on the floor in the room where we still continued to kiss passionately.We also alternated between kisses by doing open mouth,regular kissing and french kissing where we put our lips together and tongue wrestle.In that dream,it gave me a wonderful feeling and I even said to her that if there was nobody in the room,I felt like ripping off her clothes and kissing her everywhere on her body from her head to her feet and she said that she would love that if I could do that to her.Of course,the whole thing ended when the alarm on my clock radio rang.But this dream did give me one reassurance.It shows that any man who struggles with Homosexuality can become a Heterosexual man as we are all Heterosexual in the eyes of God as that is what he intended all of us to be as he did create man and woman for that reason.It also motivates me even more to continue pursuing this route and to persevere in my journey to heal from these unwanted and unnatural sexual desires that I currently have.It also makes me even more determined to continue in this healing journey as well.I am now going to continue staying this course and continue on my journey to heal from Homosexuality/SSA and not let nothing in this world,including that wicked,evil and powerful angel Satan,the devil.Don't worry readers,I have no plans of going out to grab any woman and do this for real as in reality,it would be wrong for me to do as it is,in a way,associated with lusting.But again,it makes me more determined and more motivated to continue on this journey out of Homosexuality/SSA and attain the true identity that I was intended to have in the first place.I am now more motivated and determine like never before.It shows me that any man can become what he truly wants to be if he keeps on trying.
Tomorrow,I have my usual Spirituality group meeting and lunch at a local kitchen.As for the rest of the day,I have nothing else planned.But whatever I do,I hope that it gives me positive benefits.
That was my day today and my hopes and plans for the day ahead.FJ

Tonight,my road to recovery continues onward.I had a pretty good day today.
Before I report on how my day went today,I want to catch up on yesterday as posting my day yesterday slipped my mind as I had so much on my mind yesterday.
Yesterday,I woke up in the mid morning and I bathed.After bating,I had breakfast and coffee and did part of my personal PC work before getting dressed and going to my Monday afternoon group,which went great.After that,I headed straight home as I had really nothing else to do.
I simply stayed home and relaxed while watching some TV and did some recommended Holy Bible reading before turning in for the night and anticipating the events of the next day.
Now that I am all caught up,now to today.
Today,I woke up in the early morning and after giving mom her medication for the morning,I bathed.After my bath,I had my usual quick breakfast and my usual 2 cups of coffee.After that,I did my personal personal PC work and I got dressed to proceed with the rest of the day as I had a few things planned.
I first went to the mechanic's garage to get my car checked out to see if it needs any work to pass inspection next month,which it does as I need some minor brake work.After that was done,I headed over to the public library to print something.After that was done,I headed for home.
On the way home,I stopped at a local supermarket to pick up something that I needed.After paying for that,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I relaxed and I watched a little bit more TV.
After eating,I watched the evening news for a while and I did some more personal PC work.Overall,a pretty good day.I also managed to get some recommended Holy Bible reading in as well.
While my recovery continues onward,I am still,on a daily basis,dealing and struggling with the symptoms of BPD and the emotional roller coaster ride that goes with the territory.As I have stated before,I never know how my mood will be from one day to the next,or,from one minute to the next.It is always a non-stop thing with me in regards to my emotional make-up.I also have schizophrenic tendencies and that makes my struggle even more difficult.I never know what sounds that I might hear that others can't hear.When it starts to become seemingly too unbearable,I always turn to God and his son Jesus Christ whenever that happens.I simply talk about these mental health struggles with both God and Christ and not only do I feel a tad better,but they help is sustaining me.It is simply a matter of talking it out and throwing everything on them both and feeling a little bit better.Again,it shows that I am not alone in this struggle.Thanks to both God and Christ for everything they do.
Regarding my SSA struggles,I gave into temptation in the wee early morning when I masturbated.I really felt bad for that as it was a very crushing weight on me.After it was all over,I asked God in the name of his son Jesus Christ to forgive me for my sin and after that,I felt better as God has now forgotten my sin and has wiped the slate clean.I do have to continually keep in mind that the temptation to act out on these unnatural desires that I have,no matter what form that it comes around in,can rear it's ugly head when least expected.I now have to really stay on guard and be watchful as the temptation can come when I really don't expect them to come.I don't really want to act out on these unnatural desires that I have because God didn't intend for sexuality to be used the way that they world is using as well as abusing it.God never intended for two members of the same gender to indulge in sinful sexual activity with each other.He created man and woman and that alone shows that he only approved of healthy and happy Heterosexuality and not Homosexuality.God through his sacred and inspired word,the Holy Bible,condemns such practices.It is as sinful as anything else that is sinful.I am going to really push myself to start relying more on both God and his son Jesus Christ whenever temptation rears it's ugly head.If I don't,I will continue to stumble and fall.I am also asking and appealing for those who read my blog regularly to pray for me that God continues to set me free from the chains of this destructive sinful pattern that is connected with the sinful and destructive sexual lifestyle known as the so called "Gay" lifestyle.Please pray for me and also,pray that I become determined to rely more on both God and his son Jesus Christ more whenever the struggles seems to be getting too impossible or unbearable.I would really appreciate that.Thanks to all of you for prayers offered and also,Thanks to both God and Christ for all they do.
As for tomorrow,I have made no plans.But whatever I do,I hope that it gives me positive benefits.
That was my day today and my plans for the day ahead.FJ

Tonight,my road to recovery continues to go forward.I had a very good and eventful day today.
Today,I woke up in the early morning and I bathed.After my bath,I had my usual quick breakfast and my usual 2 cups of coffee.After breakfast,I got dressed up in a suit to head over to the church for both the Holy Bible study class and the worship service afterwards.
Both the class and worship service were wonderful.After some wonderful fellowship with the other members,I headed straight home.
I had to hurry home to sign some legal papers with a lawyer and after that was done,I got out out of my suit and into some casual clothes and headed back out again.There was a charity chicken barbecue at the fire hall across from church and I headed over there for a chicken lunch and also,to help benefit the church.
I had a wonderful lunch with the people and after talking with some of them,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I relaxed and I did my personal PC work.I also managed to get some recommended Holy Bible reading in as well.
After eating,I watched the evening news for a while and I also did some more personal PC work.Overall,a very good and eventful day.For me,going to church makes the day eventful.
While my recovery continues to go forward,I am still,on a daily basis,dealing and struggling with the symptoms of BPD and the emotional roller coaster ride that goes with it.I never know how my mood will be from one day to the next,or,from one minute to the next.It is just a non-stop ride that never seems to want to end.I also have schizophrenic tendencies and that my BPF struggles even more difficult.At times,I never know if I am coming or going.But when the struggle seems to be getting too unbearable,I simply talk about it with God and his son Jesus Christ and after a while,I feel only a little bit better.The struggle with having BPD and schizophrenia at the same time is never an easy one.It is a very difficult thing to deal with.But with the help of God and his son Christ Jesus,it makes it only a tad easier.It is simply a matter of talking about the struggle with God in the name of his some Jesus Christ and they both help to sustain me.It shows that I am not alone in my struggles with these mental disorders.Thanks to both God and Jesus for everything that they do.
Regarding my SSA struggles,I was again tempted to masturbate in the wee early morning hours when I was awakened by yet another throbbing erection.I really had to use all of my strength to fight and resist this temptation as it was yet another overwhelming one.I simply sat up and sat for a while until the erection died down and also,I had to use the bathroom.After finishing,I laid back down and went back to sleep.Though I escaped this episode,I have to continually keep in mind that these temptations to act out on these unnatural desires that I have,no matter what form they take or can be,can rear their ugly heads when least expected.I am always in a war to fight and resist all of these temptations.I also still get tempted to manipulate my genitals for the purpose of getting them erect or near erect for masturbation or to reach orgasm and quit.I am always at war with these unnatural desires that I have.I am also still relying on both God and his son Jesus Christ more whenever the struggle seems to be getting way too unbearable.I simply take it to God and I throw the temptation on him and after that,the temptation is reduced to nil.It sows that I am not alone in my fight and if I ever were to give into any temptation,I simply ask God to forgive me in the name of his son Jesus Christ and after that,God forgets the sin and I can move on.It is great that our Heavenly Father is a very loving God and that his son is also a very loving savior and all.Thanks to both God and Christ for everything that they do.
Tomorrow,I have a building and improving self esteem group meeting that I need to attend.As for the rest of the day,I have made no plans.But whatever I do,I hope that it gives me positive benefits.
That was my day today and my hopes and plans for the day ahead.FJ