Tonight,my road to recovery continues to go forward.I had a pretty good day today.
Today,I woke up in the late morning and I showered for the first time as my locally living sister,who has now permanently moved in,installed a shower in the bathroom and it was great.After that,I had my usual quick breakfast and my usual 2 cups of coffee.After breakfast,the pastor of my church came to the house to visit with my mom and the family and stayed a few minutes talking with all of us and left.After he left,I did my personal PC work and I got dressed to proceed with the rest of the day as I had only a few things planned.
I first went to the public library to print some more stuff that I wanted to have printed.After that,I went to the local K-Mart to pick up a couple or things that I needed.After paying for those items,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I managed to relax and take it easy for a while.I also managed to help my mom out a little today as the day went along.
After eating,I watched the evening news for a while and I did some more personal PC work.Overall,a pretty good day.
Though my road to recovery continues to go forward,I am still,on a daily basis,dealing and struggling with the symptoms of BPD and the emotional roller coaster ride that goes with the territory of having BPD.I never know how my mood will be from one day to the next,or,from one minute to the next.At times,I really don't know if I am coming or going.I also have schizophrenic tendencies and that makes my BPD struggle even more difficult.It's bad enough having BPD,but when you also have schizophrenia alongside that,it makes for a very bumpy ride through the emotional road and the road to recovery.I am still attending my therapy sessions.I am also still taking my medication as directed.I am also still relying on God and his son Jesus Christ more whenever the struggle seems to be getting too unbearable for me to handle.Whenever that happens,I simply rely on God and Christ by taking to them in prayer and they help sustain me.It is simply a matter of throwing it all on God in the name of his son Jesus Christ and their help in keeping me level and sustained.It is never easy dealing and struggling with any mental illness or when one has a combination of two of them,but with God's help,with his son Jesus Christ helping alongside him,I have nothing to worry about as they are always there willing to help when they are asked to help out.It shows that I am not alone in my struggle and that is great.Thanks to both God and his son,the one and only savior and very loving one at that,Jesus Christ,for everything that they do.
Regarding MY SSA struggles,I was again tempted to masturbate in the wee early morning hours when I was awakened out a deep sleep by yet another throbbing erection.It was a very overwhelming temptation and I really had to use all of my strength to fight and resist this temptation.I simply sat up and when I did,the erection was still strong and since I sensed that I had to use the bathroom,I got up and walked there and as I did,the erection started to soften and after I used the bathroom,my genitals were fully soft and I went back to sleep.Though I did escape this episode,I have to keep in mind that the temptation to act out on these unnatural desires that I have,no matter what form it might take,can rear it's ugly head when least expected.It always comes when I am not aware that it is coming.It is always unpredictable.I never know when it will strike.It can strike when I am trying to think of something wholesome or when I am trying to live the kind of holy life that my Heavenly Father wants me to live through his word,the Holy Bible.I also try to ask myself "What would someone who is a Christian do in a spot like this?" and I would try to find the answers via the scriptures in the Holy Bible or from books and daily devotions that have me look up very sound and important scriptures that help me deal with this sort of thing.It shows me that God is always there and that I am not alone in my fight.I am still turning to both God and his son Jesus Christ whenever the struggle seems to be getting too unbearable for me to handle.It is basically a matter to go in prayer to them and throwing any temptations that I get on them and after that,the temptation is reduced to nil.If I do ever give into any temptation,I simply ask God in the name of his son Jesus Christ to forgive me for my falling and after that,I feel better as God wipes the slate clean and forgets that I did sin.Thanks to both God and his son Jesus Christ for all of their help and guidance as they continue to restore me to the man that not only I want to be,but the man that they intend me to be.
I also want to share this with all of you who are reading.Last night,as I slept,I had a dream and this was pretty weird.I dreamed that I was in a room full of people and was talking to them.All of a sudden,a very beautiful and attractive woman came up to me and started to kiss me passionately.Soon,I started to kiss her more on my own and we both found ourselves on the floor in the room where we still continued to kiss passionately.We also alternated between kisses by doing open mouth,regular kissing and french kissing where we put our lips together and tongue wrestle.In that dream,it gave me a wonderful feeling and I even said to her that if there was nobody in the room,I felt like ripping off her clothes and kissing her everywhere on her body from her head to her feet and she said that she would love that if I could do that to her.Of course,the whole thing ended when the alarm on my clock radio rang.But this dream did give me one reassurance.It shows that any man who struggles with Homosexuality can become a Heterosexual man as we are all Heterosexual in the eyes of God as that is what he intended all of us to be as he did create man and woman for that reason.It also motivates me even more to continue pursuing this route and to persevere in my journey to heal from these unwanted and unnatural sexual desires that I currently have.It also makes me even more determined to continue in this healing journey as well.I am now going to continue staying this course and continue on my journey to heal from Homosexuality/SSA and not let nothing in this world,including that wicked,evil and powerful angel Satan,the devil.Don't worry readers,I have no plans of going out to grab any woman and do this for real as in reality,it would be wrong for me to do as it is,in a way,associated with lusting.But again,it makes me more determined and more motivated to continue on this journey out of Homosexuality/SSA and attain the true identity that I was intended to have in the first place.I am now more motivated and determine like never before.It shows me that any man can become what he truly wants to be if he keeps on trying.
Tomorrow,I have my usual Spirituality group meeting and lunch at a local kitchen.As for the rest of the day,I have nothing else planned.But whatever I do,I hope that it gives me positive benefits.
That was my day today and my hopes and plans for the day ahead.FJ