Tonight,I am feeling hopeful and optimistic.I had a pretty good day today.I went over to that friends house to pick up the money that he owed me and he had it.That was great.Afterwards,I went to a shopping mall in my town to get a haircut.I had to wait for nearly an hour to get it because there was a lot of customers in the mall and even the hair cut place.I did not mind.If I had to wait.I had to wait.The wait was well worth it.After the near hour was up,I went in and got my hair cut the way I wanted it.It was wonderful.After that,I stopped at a supermarket in my area to pick up a little thing for dinner on Monday.I also had to go to a drug store to pick up something for my mom.Overall,not too bad of a day.
When I got home,I took a bath and shaved.I ate dinner after cleaning up.It was just a small pizza.But it was great.After dinner,I took it easy and finished my personal PC work.I also relaxed in my room and listened to a little music.
Tonight is my night to go out and sing up a storm.I am hoping that the night goes well.Though I rarely,if ever,have an off night,I still hope for things to go well.You never know what might happen.But I am keeping my head up and I am remaining hopeful and optimistic.I still hope for a great night.
Tomorow is Sunday.I have not made any plans but whatever I do,I hope that it will help me in a very positive way.Monday is the holiday.I might just stay home and take it easy because there will not be too many places open.
That was my day today.My hopes for the nights tonight and my hopes for the rest of the weekend.FJ

Tonight,I am feeling pretty good.I had a very smooth work shift today.It was so smooth that it went very fast and I was glad when the time was over.After the loads that I had to get done were finished,I simply bagged them and dropped them off at the drug/alcohol rehab center.Afterwards,I went to the store for my mom and picked up a couple of things for the home.One thing was for dinner and another was strictly for the home.Overall,a pretty smooth work day.
When I got home from work,a video that I had been waiting on had arrived.I was worried that it would not show up because I was checking the Track & Confirm via the USPS website and there was no record of the shipment over the last few days.But today,when I got home,there it was in a Priority Mail envelope and I was excited.It was the ZOOM:Best of the '70's video.I even watched it after the local news tonight and it was awesome.It brought back some pretty good memories of my childhood before my dad took me to live with him.Before my dad took me away from here,I had some really pleasant memories here at this home but that "brief" visit with my dad,which lasted nine months,was what really mixed me up.I went from being a happy kid to being an angry young man later on struggling with this SSA gender identity disorder.This was the root cause of my struggles alongside the rejection by other males and the sexual abuse that I endured.But the pleasant stuff that I remembered watching the video was awesome and it was great to revisit the happiness that I felt at that particular time.But now,I am heading in the right direction and I am still working on overcoming and recovering from this rut that I am currently in.
I am glad that the weekend is here.I can hardly wait to entertain the crowd tomorrow at the place where I sing.I always look forward to that every Saturday night and I am hoping that the night goes well.
The only disappointing thing was that when I called that friend of mine who I have been trying to get together with,he was not home or maybe he was sleeping.I will call him again tomorrow afternoon and see if he is doing good.I also have to drop in on a friend who owes me money.But mainly,I want to see how he's doing and see if him and his live in girlfriend is doing good.
That was my day today and my hoped for day tomorrow.FJ

Tonight,I am feeling okay.I had a pretty smooth work day today.The shift went by pretty good and fast.It was like nothing happened.But I did get a lot done and that was great.Even the laundry pick-up today went by well.There was no mess to clean.I simply picked up the laundry and brought it to the work place to sort it out and get it done.Again,a very smooth work shift.
I also had an appointment with the substitute sexual abuse support counselor today and that meeting went by well.The lady that my regular counselor substituted for me is actually great.We talked about my life and some of the things that had happened when I was younger.The session was pretty short but I don't mind.I would much rather stretch it out over several sessions rather than talk about everything in one.That way,I always have some stuff to talk about each and every session and that way,my mind doesn't draw a blank when I get to the office for each and every session.Again,it was a great session and I am looking forward to the next one.
After the session,I did some grocery shopping for my mom because she needed some stuff for dinner tomorrow.It was not much.It was just several little things that I needed to get so we could have what my mom would like to fix.I am hoping that it all turns out well.Tomorrow is also pay-day and then there is the three day Labor Day weekend.Of course,Monday is always a day off to me so I am used to the thing.Still,I am just glad that there is a holiday coming up so I can concentrate on the next work day.
Earlier this afternoon,I had a talk with a friend of mine from North Carolina.I was surprised to hear from him so soon.I left a message on his voice mail and I did not expect to hear from him so soon.He told me that the book that he is working on is finished and ready to be sold.He also informed me that my copy is going to be placed in the mail today so I can receive it in a few days.I can hardly wait to get it.It is a book where I contributed some stuff to and I can hardly wait to see how my contributions come out.He also gave me some affirming words about my participation in the men's online inquiry forum.He told me that I was a very courageous man in sharing all of my life within the group and for being honest with the men in the forum and that I should keep it up.He also told me that I was one of the founding members in the forum.All of that made me feel a bit better and that was awesome to hear those words.I always enjoy talking to him because he always knows what to say at the right time.Again,I can hardly wait to receive that book.I can also hardly wait to read it.
Tomorrow is a work day.I am hoping that the shift goes well.After that,it's the weekend.
That was my day today and my hoped for day tomorrow.FJ

Tonight,I am feeling a little bit better than yesterday.Today was simply a pick up day and that went great.There was no mess to clean nor was there any problems of any sort.After dropping off the laundry at work site and sorting it out,I went straight home.While I was out doing my job,I did a special virus scan on my computer to see if there was anything in my database that should not have been in there because of the problems that I was having yesterday regarding why the screens were freezing on me.Thankfully,there was nothing in my computer database that woudl cause this.There were no viruses or spyware.It was a relief and I felt better about that.I also took a nap when I got home because I still felt a little tired due to a lack of sleep last night.The nap made me feel better.After my nap,I finished my personal computer work.
The current scandal from Washington concerning Senator Craig,who was caught trying to come on to that other guy in that restroom,really brought back things from my past.I started getting mental pictures of some of the things that I used to do in search of anonymous sex with other guys.Whenever I had anonymous encounters,they happened just about anyplace.Most of the times I had anonymous sex,which consisted mostly of me performing oral sex on another guy,happened in places like school bathrooms,in bushes or wooded areas surrounded mostly by trees so we could hide anywhere while I performed the sexual favor(?)on the other guy.It's a wonder why I never got caught doing that to them in those places.Sometimes I wished that someone did catch me mainly because I wanted to stop me and ask "WHY!?" or maybe try to steer me away from it.Yes it did bring back a lot of painful stuff that I was trying to put out of my mind but now they are coming back in the forms of mental pictures.It's like watching a video of yourself performing this activity non-stop on those other guys.I only performed the sexual act because it gave me a feeling of something.It was not a sexual feeling but as I later learned,it was a feeling of fulfillment that I received because I was looking to feel like a man and wanted something that I lacked.I wanted to be masculine and the feeling that sucking the cocks of other guys until they ejaculated in my mouth,which was followed by my swallowing of their ejaculate,was because I wanted masculinity and I was actually sucking them off just to be masculine.Of course,I was to later learn that giving blowjobs was no way of achieving this.The more you gave.The more emptiness you will feel.First,you will feel fulfilled but the feeling is temporary.The emptiness always comes back when the feeling of fulfillment wears off and you're back to where you were before you performed oral sex on the other guy.I also loved the feel that another man's genitals were giving me.That is what led me to become addicted to performing this activity on other guys because I felt that it was something that I really wanted to do and that being attracted to men and performing oral sex on them was an inevitability rather than a choice.Plus,I wanted to feel that good feeling every time I got the opportunity to do just that.I also have to admit that there were times that I did not want to because,at the same time,there were also conflicting emotions over this.While I felt that I was enjoying this and that it was inevitable that I did that,I still felt that this was not right to do nor did it make sense.But when they exposed their hard cocks,I gave in.Again,I was enjoying it even though I felt that this was not the thing for a guy like to do to another guy.But at the same time,I felt that since this was who I was and also felt that this was something that I had to do because of my cravings to feel those "false positive" feelings every time,I felt that there was no choice and that acting out was inevitable and that what I was doing and who I felt that I was in that sense was the essence of who I really was.But now,I am smarter and I now know that acting out is a choice and not an inevitability.Whenever I get the feelings of emptiness,I can now find healthy ways of fulfilling my needs and how I can feel like a man without performing anything sexual on a man.Acting out sexually is a choice and not something I have to do all because of the environmental factors that lead me to become Homosexual(i.e.Gay)and also,the years of sexual abuse that I endured all because I was being used as a little plaything for all those selfish bastards who did not care about how I felt regarding this stuff.Yes,I admit it.There were times that I did because I wanted to do it because they were the moments when I was really hungry and starving and I was going crazy about feeling that way and saying to myself,but not loudly,"I just gotta suck some guy's dick!I am starving!I gotta suck some guy off!I need to feel those feelings again!I need swallow some guy's cum!I gotta suck some guy's dick!"When the opportunity presented itself,I gave in when asked and I did feel better.But again,the haunting reality of emptiness would come back after those good feelings faded and as usual,I was back to where I started from.But again,I know that I am now free from being enslaved to the image of a naked man with an erection.I am glad that I can now fulfill my needs in a healthy way and not perform anything sexual on a guy.I now have knowledge and I can now think before I act.It is great that I no longer have to perform oral sex on another guy to feel fulfilled.If I continued to do that everytime I turned around,I would be doing that for the rest of my life and to forever be addicted to giving blowjobs until the day I die.Thank God I'm free.I stil get the desires but now,I can choose whether to act out on them or not.
My support group meeting at the church tonight went great.It was wonderful to relieve myself of some more emotional baggage and share what went on with me during the last few days.It was wonderful to be heard and to hear the other men.I am looking forward to next week's meeting.I hope that it goes as well as tonight's.
Tomorrow is another work day.I am hoping that the shift goes well.
That was my day and my hoped for day tomorrow.FJ

Tonight,I am feeling mixed emotions.The work day went by smoothly but for much of the day,I was very depressed.I did not know why that I was.It just happened.I guess that I was still disappointed that I did not get to see the medication manager over at the local hopsital yesterday.I was also feeling somewhat tired.Again,the work day went by smoothly but I was feeling depressed.I am hoping that I will feel better after a good night's sleep.
This afternoon,when I got home,I simply took it easy for a while before doing anything.Though the work day went well,I was tired and I thought that I would rest and take it easy for a while.I did do my personal computer work this afternoon but I had some computer issues.My computer froze on me twice today.It was so bad that I had to pull the plug on it to unfreeze it and start all over again.I did go out earlier this evening looking for herbal tea that can help ease my mood when I get the occasional spell of the blues.Today was no exception as I was feeling down.
I guess another reason I am feeling down is because I am trying to initiate helathy relationships with other guys.You see,I gave my phone number to a few guys that I knew in hopes that they would call me and we can arrange a little get together.But I have not heard anything from them and I am wondering what is going on.I also know a few guys who do have an addiction to sex and I think that this is all they care about.It is a shame when a guy like me who is struggling with emotional issues is trying to seek support from his fellwo man and he is not getting it.Nobody told me that this was going to be easy but this is ridiculous.What is the problem?Is there something I did wrong?If so,What is it?I would like to know.The mere fact that I have not heard from them is what's contributing to my depression.I will keep trying to initiate these things.I am still holding on to the hope that something will happen.
Tomorrow is simply a pick-up day.I am hoping that this goes well.Tomorrow night is my support group meeting at the church.I am hoping that the meeting goes well,too.
That was my day today and my hoped for day tomorrow.FJ

Tonight,I am feeling mixed emotions.The reason why I am feeling this way is because I had high hopes for attending that appointment today with the medication manager over at the local hospital but it was cancelled.Apparently,the manager did not come into the office today and the appointment recording secretary called me to inform me of the cancellation.I have to call the hospital back in the near future to reschedule the appointment.I am hoping that I get ahold of her soon so I can do that.I had high hopes but those hopes came crashing down.OH WELL!
I did manage to find a suitable replacement for the day.I went to visit a friend of mine who owned a music store to show him the Elvis video that I bought a few nights ago.He told me that it was a good find and that I should take good care of it.After that,I had a pasta lunch at a small local restaurant.I also ran an errand for my mom and I stopped at a couple of Salvation Army thrift shops and found some more collectable records at both of them.Despite the disappointment,I had a pretty good day but now I have to wait a while before I can unload all of what I wanted to unload today with the medication manager at the hospital.I am hoping that I do not have to wait too long.I am going to call the hospital tomorrow and I am hoping that I can reschedule the appointment sooner than expected.
Tomorrow is a work day.I am hoping that the day goes by smoothly.
That was my day today and my hoped for day tomorrow.FJ

Tonight,I am feeling okay.I had a not too exciting day today.I simply ran a few errands for my mom and went to visit a friend of mine for short time.He is doing pretty good.The only major disappointment of the day was that I was hoping to get together with a friend who I had been hoping to get together with but he was not home.He was out with his girlfriend.Though it did disappoint me,I did manage to talk with him on the phone for a half hour today.He sadi that we would have to play it by ear and see what happens.I am hoping to get together with him soon.I have not seen him in quite some time.I hope that it happens soon.
I did manage to stop at a few garage sales today.I picked up a lot of stuff at one.It was a bunch of video tapes and a couple more record albums.The person running the sale was a person who I had not seen in quite a while.It was an old school mate of mine.It was great to see him.I also ran into a young lady who I have not seen in quite a while.She was surprised that I remembered her and what she used to do in high school and who she used to go out with.It was awesome running into these people after all these years.It was also awesome finding all these great collectables.
Last night,my night of entertaining the crowd was a big success.There was a pretty big crowd at the place last night.It was really neat.I had a blast and it was great.I am looking forward to doing it again next week.
For the rest of teh evening,I have not made any plans.But I think that I might go out and have a drink with a few people at the place where I sing.If I do,I will make it short because I have something that I have to do tomorrow.
Tomorrow is my day off.I do have something that I need to do tomorrow afternoon.I have an appointment with the medication manager at the local hospital.I hope that the meeting with her goes well.
That was my day today and my hoped for day tomorrow.FJ