Tonight,I am feeling a little bit better than yesterday.Today was simply a pick up day and that went great.There was no mess to clean nor was there any problems of any sort.After dropping off the laundry at work site and sorting it out,I went straight home.While I was out doing my job,I did a special virus scan on my computer to see if there was anything in my database that should not have been in there because of the problems that I was having yesterday regarding why the screens were freezing on me.Thankfully,there was nothing in my computer database that woudl cause this.There were no viruses or spyware.It was a relief and I felt better about that.I also took a nap when I got home because I still felt a little tired due to a lack of sleep last night.The nap made me feel better.After my nap,I finished my personal computer work.
The current scandal from Washington concerning Senator Craig,who was caught trying to come on to that other guy in that restroom,really brought back things from my past.I started getting mental pictures of some of the things that I used to do in search of anonymous sex with other guys.Whenever I had anonymous encounters,they happened just about anyplace.Most of the times I had anonymous sex,which consisted mostly of me performing oral sex on another guy,happened in places like school bathrooms,in bushes or wooded areas surrounded mostly by trees so we could hide anywhere while I performed the sexual favor(?)on the other guy.It's a wonder why I never got caught doing that to them in those places.Sometimes I wished that someone did catch me mainly because I wanted to stop me and ask "WHY!?" or maybe try to steer me away from it.Yes it did bring back a lot of painful stuff that I was trying to put out of my mind but now they are coming back in the forms of mental pictures.It's like watching a video of yourself performing this activity non-stop on those other guys.I only performed the sexual act because it gave me a feeling of something.It was not a sexual feeling but as I later learned,it was a feeling of fulfillment that I received because I was looking to feel like a man and wanted something that I lacked.I wanted to be masculine and the feeling that sucking the cocks of other guys until they ejaculated in my mouth,which was followed by my swallowing of their ejaculate,was because I wanted masculinity and I was actually sucking them off just to be masculine.Of course,I was to later learn that giving blowjobs was no way of achieving this.The more you gave.The more emptiness you will feel.First,you will feel fulfilled but the feeling is temporary.The emptiness always comes back when the feeling of fulfillment wears off and you're back to where you were before you performed oral sex on the other guy.I also loved the feel that another man's genitals were giving me.That is what led me to become addicted to performing this activity on other guys because I felt that it was something that I really wanted to do and that being attracted to men and performing oral sex on them was an inevitability rather than a choice.Plus,I wanted to feel that good feeling every time I got the opportunity to do just that.I also have to admit that there were times that I did not want to because,at the same time,there were also conflicting emotions over this.While I felt that I was enjoying this and that it was inevitable that I did that,I still felt that this was not right to do nor did it make sense.But when they exposed their hard cocks,I gave in.Again,I was enjoying it even though I felt that this was not the thing for a guy like to do to another guy.But at the same time,I felt that since this was who I was and also felt that this was something that I had to do because of my cravings to feel those "false positive" feelings every time,I felt that there was no choice and that acting out was inevitable and that what I was doing and who I felt that I was in that sense was the essence of who I really was.But now,I am smarter and I now know that acting out is a choice and not an inevitability.Whenever I get the feelings of emptiness,I can now find healthy ways of fulfilling my needs and how I can feel like a man without performing anything sexual on a man.Acting out sexually is a choice and not something I have to do all because of the environmental factors that lead me to become Homosexual(i.e.Gay)and also,the years of sexual abuse that I endured all because I was being used as a little plaything for all those selfish bastards who did not care about how I felt regarding this stuff.Yes,I admit it.There were times that I did because I wanted to do it because they were the moments when I was really hungry and starving and I was going crazy about feeling that way and saying to myself,but not loudly,"I just gotta suck some guy's dick!I am starving!I gotta suck some guy off!I need to feel those feelings again!I need swallow some guy's cum!I gotta suck some guy's dick!"When the opportunity presented itself,I gave in when asked and I did feel better.But again,the haunting reality of emptiness would come back after those good feelings faded and as usual,I was back to where I started from.But again,I know that I am now free from being enslaved to the image of a naked man with an erection.I am glad that I can now fulfill my needs in a healthy way and not perform anything sexual on a guy.I now have knowledge and I can now think before I act.It is great that I no longer have to perform oral sex on another guy to feel fulfilled.If I continued to do that everytime I turned around,I would be doing that for the rest of my life and to forever be addicted to giving blowjobs until the day I die.Thank God I'm free.I stil get the desires but now,I can choose whether to act out on them or not.
My support group meeting at the church tonight went great.It was wonderful to relieve myself of some more emotional baggage and share what went on with me during the last few days.It was wonderful to be heard and to hear the other men.I am looking forward to next week's meeting.I hope that it goes as well as tonight's.
Tomorrow is another work day.I am hoping that the shift goes well.
That was my day and my hoped for day tomorrow.FJ