Tonight,my rocky road to recovery continues moving forward.I had a very good and busy day today.
Today,I woke up in the early morning and I had my usual 2 cups of coffee.After my coffee,I showered quickly and when I was finished,I had my usual quick breakfast.After my breakfast,I got dressed for work and I proceeded to head for work.
The work day went as well as expected.After it was all over,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I relaxed for a while before showering quickly again.After that,I headed out to check out a sale that was in my area,but couldn't find anything that interested me.After that,I headed for a local Dollar Tree store to pick up a couple of Hot Pockets to have with my dinner.After that,I went to check out a local mattress store to check out their mattress stock.After that,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I quickly did my personal PC work and after that,I prepared a light evening meal.
After my light evening meal of a bowl of soup and the two Hot Pockets that I bought,I decided to pop a DVD into the DVD player and watch it.After that was over,I did some more personal PC work.Later on,I prepared for my evening retirement.Overall,a very good and busy day.I also managed to get some recommended Holy Bible reading done as well.
My rocky road to recovery continues moving forward.I am still in my daily struggles against BPD/Schizophrenia and SSA,which is the most difficult struggle that I have.Early this evening,I was tempted to indulge in fantasizing and lusting after other men,including imagining myself in sinful sexual activity with them.But this time,I went to my Heavenly Father in prayer and asked him for the strength to help me fight and resist in the name of his son Jesus Christ.I prayed real hard and didn't cease praying until the temptations died down.I prayed and I prayed and when I was finished,I felt better and much stronger.I am now going to make it my resolve to pray whenever temptations come around.I am also going to make it my resolve to start to try and pray frequently to him.I may need to ask for strength daily and often.I don't want to fall back into the trap of falling into sin and repenting.I also still have to stay on guard and be watchful as Satan and his minions can strike again when least expected.Fellow blog followers and readers,please continue to keep me in your prayers.I also would appreciate some positive verbal support in the comments section.I still need both your prayerful and positive verbal support daily and often.Please continue to pray for me and again,I also would appreciate some positive verbal support in the comments section.Thanks in advance to all of you for your continued prayerful and positive verbal support.Thanks also to both my Heavenly Father and his son Jesus Christ for everything that they do and provide.
As for tomorrow,with the exception of church as usual in the morning,I have nothing else planned.But I hope that whatever I choose to do gives me positive benefits.
That was my day today and my hopes and plans for the day ahead.FJ

Tonight,my rocky road to recovery continues moving forward.I had a pretty good day today.
Today,I woke up in the mid morning and I had my usual 2 cups of coffee.After my coffee,I showered quickly and when I was finished,I had my usual quick breakfast.After breakfast,I quickly did my personal PC work and I got dressed to proceed with the rest of the day.
I had a few things on my agenda for today.I first went to pick up my paycheck from work and after that,I headed out to the post office to mail out a money order.After that,I headed for a local supermarket to pick up a gallon of milk.After that,I stopped at a local Dollar Tree store to pick up something that I needed.After that,I got some gas at a local gas station.I also cashed my paycheck as well.After all of these things,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I put everything that I bought away and I enjoyed a DVD that I popped into the DVD player.After it was over,I did some more personal PC work.After that was done,I headed back out to get myself another sandwich from Subway.I headed straight home to eat it.When I was finished eating it,I relaxed as I wasn't feeling too well to go anywhere.My head was hurting me and I was also feeling some pains in my legs.I just laid down and read and prepared for my evening retirement as I had to get up early tomorrow morning and head for work.Overall,a pretty good day.I also managed to get some recommended Holy Bible reading done as well.
My rocky road to recovery continues moving forward.Though it continues to do so,I am still in my daily struggles against BPD/Schizophrenia and SSA,with the latter being the most difficult struggle of the two.Tonight,I was at home much of the time as evening came.In the mid evening,I went into my room and I sat down on the edge of my bed.I went to my Heavenly Father in prayer in the name of his son Jesus Christ.I first confessed sins to him that I committed today when I gave into temptation.After that,I unloaded all of the unresolved anger,resentment and trauma issues that were in my life and that contributed to why I was struggling with SSA and everything connected with it.It may also be the reason why I have been giving into these terrible temptations that have been overwhelming me as of late.Yes,temptations have been overwhelming me lately and they have been piling on me one after the other.I unloaded everything and asked him for strength to help me let go of all of these negative things and also to help me develop a very forgiving heart as well.My anger and resentment has been towards my father,my locally living sister,my other sister who lives out of town,the man that she was involved with who hurt her and myself physically,the bullies in school that called me names and constantly harassed me,the teachers and administrators that did nothing to stop the bullying by the bullies and inadvertently letting these bullies walk over them as if they,the bullies,were truly running the school and they were simply getting paid by the school district to simply sit down and do nothing to stop the bullying and the harassment.It was also towards those who sexual abused me for their pleasure,including the incidents that happened to me at 10 years of age and 16 years of age and all the other members of my own gender who used and abused me for their own pleasure.Last but not least,to the boys who chased me into the path of two cars that hit me when I was 17 years old.I also had anger and resentment towards the religious cult that I followed for two brief years,especially those who made up phony stories about me although I was innocent of the things that they said about me.I threw everything on my Heavenly Father and while doing so,tears did start to come out of my eyes,though it didn't lead to full blown crying.I prayed for I don't know how long as I wasn't concentrating on the time as I was.But when I was finished,I felt a lot better as again,I felt that a huge weight had been lifted off of my shoulders.I also asked that my Heavenly Father help point me in the right direction to help me in letting go of these things so I can not only transcend,but also start finally discovering real healing and also,overcoming this terrible SSA.Last week,I did have a talk with my pastor about these things and he said that he would like for us to schedule a talk that we can have to discuss these things.We haven't set up anything yet,but I will be meeting with him Sunday morning to do so.I hope that this is a true start to transcending and finally,healing from and overcoming this terrible SSA.Also,I prayed that my Heavenly Father forgive me for not letting him in those times that I stumbled and fell and for not letting him in when I should have.I confessed that leaving him out and not letting him in was wrong and again,asked that he forgave me for that sin.I am now hoping that this is the true as well as a new and fresh start.I want to start transcending now and start the real process of healing from and overcoming this terrible SSA.Fellow blog followers and readers,I still need your prayerful support and your positive verbal support.Please continue to keep me in your prayers and also,please don't forget to leave me some positive verbal support in the comments section.I would appreciate these things very much.Thanks in advance to all of you for your continued prayerful and positive verbal support.Thanks also to both my Heavenly Father and his son Jesus Christ for everything that they do and provide.
As for tomorrow,I will be working and earning a little bit of money.After that,I don't know what else I might do.But I hope that it gives me positive benefits.
That was my day today and my hopes and plans for the day ahead.FJ

Possible Triggers here,

Tonight,my rocky road to recovery continues moving forward.I had a pretty good day today.
Today,I woke up in the early to mid morning and I had my usual 2 cups of coffee.While having my second cup,I got a phone call from my job placement counselor/coach and she said that I had to come to the agency to fill out some paperwork so they can transfer my case to another agency.After washing my hair,face and shaving over the kitchen sink,I got dressed up in dress clothes and I headed for the job placement agency to fill out the paperwork.After filling it all out,I headed for home.
On the way home,I stopped at a local former shopping mall parking lot as there was a contest by a local car dealership there.I won a gift card that can be redeemed at the local Super Wal-Mart.After that,I bought a bottle of dish detergent at a local supermarket.After that,I headed straight home.
When I got home,a DirecTV person was there to meet me to help me get my DirecTV service up and running again.It took a little over an hour,but it's finally up and running again.When the repair person was doing his work,I showered quickly and finally had my usual quick breakfast later than usual.After all the stuff was done,I quickly did my personal PC work.After that was done,I popped a DVD into the DVD player and I watched it.After that,I headed out to run a few errands that needed to be run.After I was done running them,I stopped at a local church that was having a free dinner.After I was finished eating,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I changed from my casual clothes into a sweatsuit and I enjoyed a little TV.After that,I did some more personal PC work.Later on,I started to prepare for my evening retirement.Overall,a pretty good day.I also managed to get some recommended Holy Bible reading done as well.
My rocky road to recovery continues moving forward.Though it does,I am still in my daily struggles against BPD/Schizophrenia and SSA,which is the most difficult struggle of the two.There is also something that I haven't really talked about much in my struggles,I have been focusing so much on temptations related to the SSA struggle that I haven't talked about one other thing in my struggles.The link between my struggles with BPD/Schizophrenia and my SSA struggles and what role the former has on the latter.You see,as I have been reporting,I do have BPD,which is an acronym for Bipolar Disorder/Depression.My emotions can be on a roller coaster ride and that can make it tough for me to stay on top.One day/minute,I can be up and feeling pretty good,but,at times,the next day/minute,I can be down and feeling not so good.I never know how my moods will be from one day/minute to the next day/minute.If that wasn't bad enough,I also have to put up up with the hallucinatory effects of Schizophrenia.I sometimes hear things that others can't hear.At times,when I walk,I hear footsteps walking and when I stop to see who or what it is,I see nobody and/or nothing.I also hear voices calling my name and when I turn to see who it might be,the same results as in nobody and/or nothing there.My struggles with this mental illness double whammy also makes my SSA struggles more difficult because,at times,I hear voices in my head telling me to grab my private parts and start to manipulate them and yes,sexual images of men do cloud my mind when I do this and it's like I hear these images talking to me asking for sexual favors and even showing their own private parts to me in hopes that I would provide them relief or anything that they want.Plus,past sexual experiences that I have previously can be rehashed and that starts the whole chain all over again.My struggles with the mental illness double whammy were caused by all the traumatic experiences that I had in my life that I shared in my Saturday October 11th post.I also must add that when my mother rescued me from my father's abuse,a bitter custody battle ensued between the two of them.During that bitter custody battle,my father was the cause of another traumatic experience.My mother put me in a particular local school that was affiliated with the church and one day,my father tried to take me out of the school by force after I refused to go with him.I screamed for him to let me go and that I didn't want to go with him,but he ignored my loud pleas.If it weren't for two janitorial workers who were in the right place at the right time,I would've been on my way back to the state of Oklahoma against my will.The police were called and before the custody battle was over and my mother got full custody,he took off and was too cowardly to appear in court.Not only that,at the court house,I was in a literal tug of war between my mother and my father because my father refused to let go of me and all of these things messed me up mentally and emotionally.This,alongside the sexual abuse that I endured when I a 16 year old kid talked me into performing oral sex on him when I was 10 years old and also,the rape episode that I endured when I was 16 years old when a man in my neighborhood tried to ram his genitals up my rectum without using a condom and it hurt horribly.There were also other instances when I was also used and abused by other members of my own gender for their own pleasure.These experiences and all the other traumas in my life,including the spiritual abuse caused by my father and the religious cult that I followed for two brief years,is why I am still caught in the emotional trap of this terrible SSA struggle.As I said before,I have been in therapy all of my life from child therapy to various psychiatrists,psychologists and my current therapy with the nurse practitioner and the social worker who serves as my therapist now at the local hospital,but none of the therapies that I have been with never ever pointed me in the direction of letting go,transcending and going on to discover the true and vital healing that I truly and desperately need.I want to heal from and finally overcome this terrible SSA,but I first need to learn how I can let go,start transcending and really discover the real healing that I so desperately need as I really don't want to repeat this same old cycle of falling and repenting.Fellow blog followers and readers,please continue to keep me in your prayers.I also ask that you leave me some positive verbal support in the comments section.I still need both your prayerful and positive verbal support daily and often.I also would like some advice on how I can finally let go and transcend from these experiences to discover true healing and finally and really heal from and overcome this terrible SSA.Please continue to pray for me and also,please don't forget to leave me some positive verbal support in the comments section.Thanks in advance to y'all for your continued prayerful and positive verbal support.Thanks also to both my Heavenly Father and his son Jesus Christ for everything that they do and provide.
As for tomorrow,with the exception of a Celebrate Recovery group in the evening,I have no other plans.But I hope that whatever I choose to do gives me positive benefits.
That was my day today and my hopes and plans for the day ahead.FJ

Tonight,my rocky road to recovery continues moving onward.I had a pretty good day today.
Today,I woke up in early to mid morning and I had my usual 2 cups of coffee.After my coffee,I showered quickly and when I was finished showering,I had my usual quick breakfast.After breakfast,I quickly did my personal PC work and later on,I got dressed to proceed with the rest of the day.
I had only a couple of things on my agenda for today.I first helped out a friend who needed my help.After that,I turned in a few bottles that I had in the back seat of my car.After that,I went to a local Subway to buy a sandwich.After that,I headed straight home as I didn't like the look of the sky when I was heading for home.
When I got home,I ate my sandwich and while doing so,I popped a DVD into the DVD player and I watched it.After that,I did some more personal PC work and later on,I started to prepare for my evening retirement.Overall,a pretty good day.I also managed to get some recommended Holy Bible reading done as well.
My rocky road to recovery continues moving forward.I am still in my daily struggles against BPD/Schizophrenia and SSA,which is the most difficult struggle that I have.At times,I wish that I didn't have to struggle with SSA.The struggle to try and stay sexually sober in the SSA struggle can be very difficult.It isn't easy to stay sexually sober in the struggle.It is always a constant fight to maintain sobriety.I know because I am always in a constant battle to maintain sobriety.I am always being tempted to act out in many ways.There are many ways that someone with SSA can act out besides seeking out partners of the same gender to indulge in sinful sexual activity with.The other ways of acting out are fantasies,lusting and masturbation,which also includes genital manipulation when the genitals are flaccid,that usually goes along with the fantasizing and the lusting.Of course,there is another way that many do and that is looking up porn online and watching it.The thing with all of this is that it does little if nothing to reaffirm a man's true gender identity.The only thing it reaffirms is the so called "Homosexual/Gay" identity,which is a false identity in and of itself.It does get rough for me at times.I am always bombarded by temptations to act out on these unnatural sexual desires that I have.As I stated before,I talked with someone about this sort of thing and they said that I may have some unresolved anger,resentment and trauma issues from my childhood.I am thinking that this could be why I keep getting bombarded as at times,when I get a new therapist,I am always recycling my old stories of all the abuse that I endured throughout my life,which is physical,emotional and sexual.The thing is that while I survived these things,I have never been pointed in the right direction to transcend and move on.I want to discover and actually feel real healing from SSA.I also want to overcome this terrible SSA.I hate that I have these unnatural sexual desires.I also hate it that I struggle with this terrible emotional condition.As I said,I wish that I didn't have to struggle with SSA.Fellow blog followers and readers,I am again asking that you all continue to keep me in your prayers.Please pray that I find the right sort of counseling so I can let go of these issues,start transcending and moving on so I can finally feel the healing that I truly and desperately need.I need that counseling so bad and desperately.I also ask that y'all leave me some positive verbal support in the comments section.I still need your verbal encouragement as much I need your prayers.Please continue to keep me in your prayers and also,please don't forget to leave me some positive verbal support in the comments section.Thanks in advance to y'all for your continued prayerful and positive verbal support.Thanks also to both my Heavenly Father and his son Jesus Christ for everything that they do and provide.
As for tomorrow,I have made no plans.But I hope that whatever I choose to do gives me positive benefits.
That was my day today and my hopes for the day ahead.FJ

Tonight,my rocky road to recovery continues moving forward.I had a pretty good day today.
Today,I woke up in the early to mid morning and I had my usual 2 cups of coffee.After my coffee,I quickly washed my hair and shaved.After that,I got dressed up in dress clothes and I headed out to the job placement agency to meet with my job placement counselor/coach to go over a job application that I filled out over the weekend and after that,I signed it and left the agency to drop it off at a local restaurant.After that,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I got out of my dress clothes and I showered.After my shower,I had my usual quick breakfast.After breakfast,I quickly did my personal PC work and after that was done,I got dressed in casual clothes and I headed out to help a friend.After that was done,I headed for home.
On the way home,I stopped at the local Salvation Army thrift store and I bought a few nice things.After that,I headed over to the drug store to pick up my prescription refill.After that,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I changed into sweatpants and did a little bit more personal PC work.I also started to prepare my evening meal.
After eating,I decided to pop a DVD into the DVD player and watch it.I also relaxed while doing so.I also did some more personal PC work.Later on,I started to prepare for my evening retirement.Overall,a pretty good day.I also managed to get some recommended Holy Bible reading done as well.
My rocky road to recovery continues moving forward.Though it does,I am still in my daily struggles against BPD/Schizophrenia and SSA,which is my most difficult struggle of the two.Right now,the only thing that I need to work on is how I can transcend the traumatic and abusive situations that I am currently struggling with now.The thing is that if I want to discover and get the real healing that I really need,I need to start learning how to get the issues resolved and start transcending from these experiences.I need to find the right help and therapy so I can start doing that.It is just that I don't want to keep on falling into sin by manipulating my genitals to any sexual images of men that cloud my mind,which leads to fantasizing and lusting after these images.I talked this over with someone that is one of those reparative or conversion therapists and they say that the reason could be that I have some unresolved anger and trauma issues from my childhood and that is the reason why I keep doing this sort of thing repeatedly.If that is the reason,I simply need to see how I can get these issues finally resolved so I can let go,transcend and start moving on to become the man that my Heavenly Father wants and intends me to be.I really want that and I don't want to feel sexual feelings for men anymore.I hate that I have these disgusting and unnatural feelings and I do want to heal from them and also,I want to really overcome this terrible SSA and start being the man I am meant to be.Fellow blog followers and readers,please continue your prayers for me as I still really need them.I also still need your positive verbal support as much as your prayerful support.Thanks in advance for your continued prayerful and positive verbal support.Thanks also to both my Heavenly Father and his son Jesus Christ for everything that they do and provide.
As for tomorrow,with the exception of helping a friend out with something,I have made no plans.But I hope that whatever I do gives me positive benefits.
That was my day today and my hopes and plans for the day ahead.FJ

Tonight,my rocky road to recovery continues moving forward.I had a pretty fair day today.
Today,I woke up in the early to mid morning and I had my usual 2 cups of coffee.After that,I had to return a couple of important phone calls,which were by my job placement counselor/coach and my mechanic.I had to reschedule my appoint with the former for tomorrow morning and with the latter,I have to call him back on Thursday.After that,I showered quickly and when I was finished,I had my usual quick breakfast.After breakfast,I quickly did my personal PC work and while doing that,I got another phone call from my urologist's office to reschedule my appointment tomorrow to next Wednesday.After that,I finished my personal PC work.When that was finished,I had a light lunch and I watched a movie that I popped into the DVD player.Since it was raining today,I stayed home and took it easy.I was also still exhausted from my working yesterday into the late evening.I also in pain here and there.During the relaxation time,I did some more personal PC work and later on,I started to prepare my evening meal.
After eating,I popped a DVD into my DVD player and I watched it.After that,I did some more personal PC work.I also enjoyed some music while doing so.Later on,I started to prepare for my evening retirement.Overall,a pretty fair day.I also managed to get some recommended Holy Bible reading done as well.
My rocky road to recovery continues moving forward.Though it is,I am still in my daily struggles against BPD/Schizophrenia and SSA,which is the most difficult of the two for me.In my Saturday night post,I revealed all of the negative experiences that I went through in my life.All the trauma,physical,emotional and sexual abuse and all the issues and hurtful feelings related to these things that I went through.While being a survivor of it all is one thing,I was never able to transcend all of these things.I have been in therapy all of my life.I have been from child psychologists to psychiatrists to social workers and nurse practitioner and none of them ever tried to point me in the direction of letting go,transcending and moving on.I am also taking psychiatric medication alongside the therapy.I really want to heal from and overcome this terrible SSA,but all of the issues that I have gone through haven't been resolved yet,but I want to get them resolved so I can go on and become the man that my Heavenly Father wants and intended me to be.I want to heal from these unnatural sexual desires and go on to become the man I'm meant to be as my Heavenly Father wants and intends me to be.I just need to find the right therapy to do that.Fellow blog followers and readers,please continue to keep me in your prayers.I also ask that you leave me some positive verbal support in the comments section.Please pray that I find the right help and therapy that I need to get these negative issues resolved so I can let go and heal from and overcome this terrible SSA.I still need both your prayerful and positive verbal support daily and often.Your support,both prayerful and positive verbal,is still very important to me.Please continue to keep me in your prayers and also,please don't forget to leave me some positive verbal support.Thanks in advance to all of you for your continued prayerful and positive verbal support.Thanks also to both my Heavenly Father and his son Jesus Christ for everything that they do and provide.
As for tomorrow,with the exception of meeting with my job placement counselor/coach to go over an employment application and helping a friend out in the afternoon,I have made no plans.But I hope that whatever I choose to do gives me positive benefits.
That was my day today and my hopes and plans for the day ahead.FJ

Tonight,my rocky road to recovery continues moving forward.I had a wonderful,eventful and busy day today.
Today,I woke up in the early to mid morning and I had my usual 2 cups of coffee.After that,I showered quickly and after showering,I had my usual quick breakfast.After breakfast,I got into a suit and I headed for church for both the morning's Holy Bible study class and the worship service afterwards.
Both the class and the worship were wonderful.After some wonderful fellowship with my fellow members,I headed for home.
On the way home,I stopped at another local church that was having a pasta dinner there.After I ate with the people,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I got out of my suit and into a sweatsuit and I did my personal PC work.While doing that,I got a phone call from my workplace saying that a position opened up for the afternoon and I was asked if I could come in and work.I said sure and after we hung up,I finished my personal PC work.After that was done,I filled out a job application and after that,I did a little bit more personal PC work.After that,I got dressed in work clothes and I headed for work.
When I got to work,I immediately got started and it was great to finally be working.The work time went by pretty fast and when I was finished,I headed for home.
On the way home,I stopped and got a bite to eat as I was hungry.After that,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I ate my light dinner and waited a while before turning in for the night.I got out of my work clothes and into bed clothes.After relaxing a while,I decided to retire for the evening.Overall,a wonderful,eventful and busy day.I still managed to get a little bit of recommended Holy Bible reading done.
Tonight,since I am exhausted and tired from working,I will not talk about where my struggles are and vice versa as I am tired.Please continue to pray for me and also,please leave me some positive verbal support in the comments section.I still need your prayerful and positive verbal support daily and often.Thanks to y'all for your continued prayerful and positive verbal support and to my Heavenly Father and his son Jesus Christ for everything that they do and provide.
As for tomorrow,with the exception of meeting with my job placement counselor/coach for some application assistance,I have nothing else planned.But I hope that whatever I choose to do gives me positive benefits.
That was my day today and my hopes and plans for the day ahead.FJ