Tonight,my rocky road to recovery continues moving onward.
Today was a day that I had to make up the time I didn't work Thursday due to an appointment with my therapist,however,it was rescheduled and I only learned about it when I arrived at the office.I managed to get a lot done within the few hours that I worked and after dropping off some free newspapers at other people's places,I bought a sandwich and fries at a local Arby's and after eating them there,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I simply relaxed and did my personal PC work.I also listened to a little music online and watched a video in one of the groups that I'm a member of.After that,I helped my sister out with putting away some groceries and relaxed a little more.After she left to get together with a few of her friends,I headed back out to a local supermarket to buy a can of soup and a fee healthy snacks before heading straight home.
When I got home,I heated up the can of soup and also made a sandwich,which was my evening meal.I then cleaned the dishes and relaxed while doing some more personal PC work.I later retired for the evening as I was getting sleepy.A very good day overall.
In the last few blog posts,I shared some really deep and serious stuff in regards to my growing up and all the abuse that I suffered at the hands of my father,the non-acknowledgement of my paternal grandmother,the bullying that I endured as a result of my being in special education due to the aforementioned emotional problems that I had that were caused by the legalistic abuse at the hands of my father and my own paternal grandmother ignoring me.I also shared my near death experience,which happened at the hands of some of those bullies who chased me into the path of two oncoming cars,but I managed to survive and live to tell about it. All the name calling and insults that I endured at the hand of bullies and also,all the threats that I received and those jerks telling me all the time that "Satan's gonna get you!" and even the violence that I endured at the hands of the bullies.The harassment is another thing I endured.These things really messed me up and again,it's why I have the emotional,mental and SSA issues that I have now.The SSA struggle that I have is even more difficult as a result of my mental health issues with the Schizo-Affective Disorder that I have and that makes this particular struggle for me even more difficult.
Now,I am going to go into the other abuse that I endured when I was younger.I was also sexually abused when I was a child.The first instance was when I was 7 years old when a man who lived in my neighborhood invited me into his house and masturbated in front of me when he tricked me into coming to the bathroom in his house,but for a long time,I had forgotten about this until it came back to me in a dream when I was seeking therapy for sexual abuse,which is when I remembered it all too well.There was also another instance when I was 10 years old.At that age, a 16 year old boy who I hadn't met before until that day i met him,talked me into performing oral sex on him,which I did.He taught me how to do it and all that.After that instant,I actually became confused and thought that maybe this is what guys do.The worst instance was when I was 16 years old,when a man who lived in my neighborhood,raped me.He lured me into his house and made me get naked with him.He even gave me alcohol and then,he lured me to his bed and he tried to ram his private parts up my rectum without using a condom and it really hurt me terribly.I was almost on the verge of crying when this happened,but held back the tears.He did grow tired of my wincing in pain and pulled his genitalia out of me.He then said that if I told anyone,he would deny it and say that I was lying.I kept it hush-hush all of that time and didn't reveal it until I sought sexual abuse therapy where I could talk about this and the others in a private and confidential setting without fear of being found out.There were also other instances where other young men used me for their pleasure as they always talked me into performing oral sex on them.There were times that I would refuse,but the minute the released their genitals to me,I gave in and performed the oral sex activity on them.I admit that there were times that they asked and I obliged because I wanted to,but most of the time,I was being made to do it whenever they released their genitals from the bounds of their pants and I gave into doing it.I also had numerous encounters with men over the years where I would join in their perverted and twisted pleasures.While it made me feel good for a while,it made me feel empty yet again when the good feelings disappeared.But again,I simply went and did the same old things again with the same old men and again,the same emptiness would return.All in all,it made me a very confused mess within my mind and as a result of all of these things,I suffer from psychological dysfunction and the SSA that I currently struggle with.I am still in recovery and I don't know if I will ever fully recover.I am still seeking the right therapy,but mostly,I would like for it to be spiritual and encouraging.I haven't found anything yet of that sort,but I'm still seeking and hoping to find it.
The thing is this;I am trying to find healthy and authentic relationships with other guys.I am looking for friendships,bonding and to just be one of the guys.I am a guy myself.It has been a struggle trying to find affirming healthy and authentic relationships of this sort,but I still remain hopeful and hoping that one day,I can find these things.
I am also still hoping to find a way where I can let go and transcend the feelings of anger and rage and also,all the trauma issues from my years growing up.I am hoping that one day,I can find the right spiritual counseling where I can find release from these and get more out of my life.I feel that these things are preventing me from discovering the real healing that I so truly need.If anyone can help me,please share some encouraging words and spiritual upbuilding in the comments section of my blog.Thanks to all of you and Thanks also to both my Heavenly Father and his son Jesus Christ.
Tomorrow is church and I am hoping to get a lot out of it and hopefully,the day will also be wonderful.FJ
Saturday, November 18, 2017
Friday, November 17, 2017
Tonight,my rocky road to recovery continues moving forward.
Today was a work day and it went well.After it was over,I headed for home.
When I got home,I relaxed and did a little bit of cleaning work in the house.
Later on,after my evening meal,I did my personal PC work.I relaxed for a while and just reflected on the day and how well the work day was.I did some more personal PC work and then,retired for the evening as I was getting tired.A very good day overall.
In my SSA struggles,I talked about the abuse that I suffered at the hands of my father and my paternal grandmother's refusal to acknowledge me as her grandson.I would like to add that before my father did his negative handiwork on me when I was a boy,I had no emotional problems.I felt no pull of any sort towards other boys.I did have crushes on a few older ladies and such.I also did like girls as well in some ways and saw that they were cool.However,as I have shared that when I was between the age of 8-9 years old,that is when my father took me away from my mother and laid his negative handiwork on me.He made me a young man full of anger and rage that continues to burn within me to this day.Even my mother's boyfriend at the time angrily asked my father during the bitter custody battle that followed between my mother and father "What did you do to that boy to make him like that?" and my father answered him very nastily "I gave that boy good old fashioned Christian discipline."Of course,it was Legalism as I learned years later.He deprived me of things that I enjoyed and took away a lot of things that I cherished.He made me a slave in his own house and wouldn't let me have what I had when I was with my mother.I really didn't need my father in my life as I had quite a few positive male role models that were pointing me in the right direction and I was happier.His so called "Christian discipline" ruined me and made me the emotional,confused and mental wreck that I am.I still seek healing and I will continue to seek healing until I get it.Plus,my father deprived me of things I enjoyed,such as the TV shows I liked,the music I liked and imposed his own thing on me.The only music allowed was Gospel music and anything related to it and only Christian based shows instead of the things I enjoyed.
I also want to bring up something else that came to my mind today.This came to my mind while I was on my lunch hour at work.There was another thing that my father did to me that also added to how I feel and the intense anger and rage that goes along with it.My father also never let me get involved in extracurricular activities after school.I wanted to get involved with these things as I did when I was still living with my mother.My father wouldn't let me do anything I wanted to do.Not only that,I was always invited to birthday parties and get together's with other kids from school,but again,my father would never let me go to these things.His reason or excuse,depending on the point of view of others,was because of my "unChristian behavior".I mean,what "unChristian behavior"?This is yet another case where showing emotion got me punished as when I showed how I felt about his constant refusal to let me do anything that I wanted to do,I got punished.I got so mad and angry that I slammed the door every time this would happen,but again,for showing one ounce of emotion,I was punished severely and after he would slap me around with anything he could pick up,he would then say "That unChristian behavior is what I am talking about! That is something a two year old would do when they don't get their way!"He would always say "like a two year old" constantly whenever I expressed anything on how I felt.I was still a mere child back then as I was 8 and later 9 years of age.Is saying that "Only a two year old would do something like that" a mere stereotype.I want to know.Please answer this question for me.Thanks.
There is another area that I would like to talk about that contributed to my SSA and other emotional,and mental,issues.I was also the target of bullies in school.I was bullied by many kids when I was going to school.I was called names,such as retard,retarded,freakazoid,freaky boy,psycho and just plain freak.I was also the target of threats from these bullies.They not only threatened me with violence,but also threatened my life as well many times.This was because of my being in special education starting with the fourth grade and was in special ed until graduation.I was also harassed by many kids and no matter how many times I demanded them to "Leave me alone",they wouldn't.They kept harassing me by not only threatening me,but threw rocks at me,called me names and even pushed me against the wall many times.When I was a freshman in high school,many jerks and meanies would say things like; "Satan's gonna get you! Watch out,Satan's gonna get you!"Though it was half heartedly,I would always respond by saying "Not if the lord and savior Jesus Christ has anything to say or do about it."Of course, they would laugh wickedly at this thinking that it was a joke.One tough guy tried to strangle me to death,but his girlfriend and a couple of his other friends pulled him away.I was also the target of all sorts of violence by the bullies and anyone that they could get to join them in their assaults of me.I suffered this so much and the worst part of it was the school administrators did little if nothing to stop the bullying.I was the one getting into trouble for being bullied while the bullies got off scot free or got a slap on the wrist.It was like the bullies were the ones running the school and the administrators who were supposed top be the ones enforcing the rules were simply sitting on their butts letting it happen.This was terrible as I went through it most of my academic life.I could never be the student I could've been as a result of being in special ed,being the target of bullies and also,most of the bullies and tough guys were in the same classroom as I was,which made it really tough.Not only that,when I was 17,I nearly lost my life when I was chased into the path of two cars one night.I was struck by one and run over and dragged by the second.I could've died if it weren't for a passer-by getting into the street and signifying the driver who was dragging me to stop,which he did,but I was seriously injured and the doctors who operated on me didn't give me a good chance of survival as a result and the extent of my injuries.However,I pulled through and lived to tell about it as it is a night that is still locked in my mind.Though I did start having friends after that and I had a wonderful senior year,whose memories I still cherish to this day.Still,being bullied and threatened by the bullies who bullied me around were another contributor to my SSA struggles,alongside my mental and other emotional problems.It was like that I was reliving what my own father did to me because their bullying me was no different than the abusive ways that my father unleashed upon me during the brief time I spent with him when I was between the age of 8-9 years of age.All of that made my anger and rage worse as there were times I imagined them getting their due for all of the terrible things they did to me.Believe me,I really thought of some terrible things that I wished would happen to them as a result of their terrible things that they did to me.Of course,it was wrong of me to even imagine these things,but that was the way that I felt at the time.Again,I learned that imagining these things was as wrong as the bullying that they did to me and I later stopped doing that.It also showed me that it was no different than what they did to me.Again,my school years did end on a positive note,though I still remember all the bullying and threats that I received during the vast majority of my school years.I did further my education a little in the years after graduation,but I now have a wonderful job that I'm proud of and where I'm very much appreciated.
Still,I need prayerful support and also,I still need some positive verbal encouragement and spiritual upbuilding.Thanks for your support.Thanks also to both my heavenly Father and his son Jesus Christ.
Tomorrow is the start of the weekend.I have to work in the morning to make up the three hours that I didn't work on Thursday tomorrow and church as usual on Sunday.I hope that it will be a nice weekend for me.FJ
Today was a work day and it went well.After it was over,I headed for home.
When I got home,I relaxed and did a little bit of cleaning work in the house.
Later on,after my evening meal,I did my personal PC work.I relaxed for a while and just reflected on the day and how well the work day was.I did some more personal PC work and then,retired for the evening as I was getting tired.A very good day overall.
In my SSA struggles,I talked about the abuse that I suffered at the hands of my father and my paternal grandmother's refusal to acknowledge me as her grandson.I would like to add that before my father did his negative handiwork on me when I was a boy,I had no emotional problems.I felt no pull of any sort towards other boys.I did have crushes on a few older ladies and such.I also did like girls as well in some ways and saw that they were cool.However,as I have shared that when I was between the age of 8-9 years old,that is when my father took me away from my mother and laid his negative handiwork on me.He made me a young man full of anger and rage that continues to burn within me to this day.Even my mother's boyfriend at the time angrily asked my father during the bitter custody battle that followed between my mother and father "What did you do to that boy to make him like that?" and my father answered him very nastily "I gave that boy good old fashioned Christian discipline."Of course,it was Legalism as I learned years later.He deprived me of things that I enjoyed and took away a lot of things that I cherished.He made me a slave in his own house and wouldn't let me have what I had when I was with my mother.I really didn't need my father in my life as I had quite a few positive male role models that were pointing me in the right direction and I was happier.His so called "Christian discipline" ruined me and made me the emotional,confused and mental wreck that I am.I still seek healing and I will continue to seek healing until I get it.Plus,my father deprived me of things I enjoyed,such as the TV shows I liked,the music I liked and imposed his own thing on me.The only music allowed was Gospel music and anything related to it and only Christian based shows instead of the things I enjoyed.
I also want to bring up something else that came to my mind today.This came to my mind while I was on my lunch hour at work.There was another thing that my father did to me that also added to how I feel and the intense anger and rage that goes along with it.My father also never let me get involved in extracurricular activities after school.I wanted to get involved with these things as I did when I was still living with my mother.My father wouldn't let me do anything I wanted to do.Not only that,I was always invited to birthday parties and get together's with other kids from school,but again,my father would never let me go to these things.His reason or excuse,depending on the point of view of others,was because of my "unChristian behavior".I mean,what "unChristian behavior"?This is yet another case where showing emotion got me punished as when I showed how I felt about his constant refusal to let me do anything that I wanted to do,I got punished.I got so mad and angry that I slammed the door every time this would happen,but again,for showing one ounce of emotion,I was punished severely and after he would slap me around with anything he could pick up,he would then say "That unChristian behavior is what I am talking about! That is something a two year old would do when they don't get their way!"He would always say "like a two year old" constantly whenever I expressed anything on how I felt.I was still a mere child back then as I was 8 and later 9 years of age.Is saying that "Only a two year old would do something like that" a mere stereotype.I want to know.Please answer this question for me.Thanks.
There is another area that I would like to talk about that contributed to my SSA and other emotional,and mental,issues.I was also the target of bullies in school.I was bullied by many kids when I was going to school.I was called names,such as retard,retarded,freakazoid,freaky boy,psycho and just plain freak.I was also the target of threats from these bullies.They not only threatened me with violence,but also threatened my life as well many times.This was because of my being in special education starting with the fourth grade and was in special ed until graduation.I was also harassed by many kids and no matter how many times I demanded them to "Leave me alone",they wouldn't.They kept harassing me by not only threatening me,but threw rocks at me,called me names and even pushed me against the wall many times.When I was a freshman in high school,many jerks and meanies would say things like; "Satan's gonna get you! Watch out,Satan's gonna get you!"Though it was half heartedly,I would always respond by saying "Not if the lord and savior Jesus Christ has anything to say or do about it."Of course, they would laugh wickedly at this thinking that it was a joke.One tough guy tried to strangle me to death,but his girlfriend and a couple of his other friends pulled him away.I was also the target of all sorts of violence by the bullies and anyone that they could get to join them in their assaults of me.I suffered this so much and the worst part of it was the school administrators did little if nothing to stop the bullying.I was the one getting into trouble for being bullied while the bullies got off scot free or got a slap on the wrist.It was like the bullies were the ones running the school and the administrators who were supposed top be the ones enforcing the rules were simply sitting on their butts letting it happen.This was terrible as I went through it most of my academic life.I could never be the student I could've been as a result of being in special ed,being the target of bullies and also,most of the bullies and tough guys were in the same classroom as I was,which made it really tough.Not only that,when I was 17,I nearly lost my life when I was chased into the path of two cars one night.I was struck by one and run over and dragged by the second.I could've died if it weren't for a passer-by getting into the street and signifying the driver who was dragging me to stop,which he did,but I was seriously injured and the doctors who operated on me didn't give me a good chance of survival as a result and the extent of my injuries.However,I pulled through and lived to tell about it as it is a night that is still locked in my mind.Though I did start having friends after that and I had a wonderful senior year,whose memories I still cherish to this day.Still,being bullied and threatened by the bullies who bullied me around were another contributor to my SSA struggles,alongside my mental and other emotional problems.It was like that I was reliving what my own father did to me because their bullying me was no different than the abusive ways that my father unleashed upon me during the brief time I spent with him when I was between the age of 8-9 years of age.All of that made my anger and rage worse as there were times I imagined them getting their due for all of the terrible things they did to me.Believe me,I really thought of some terrible things that I wished would happen to them as a result of their terrible things that they did to me.Of course,it was wrong of me to even imagine these things,but that was the way that I felt at the time.Again,I learned that imagining these things was as wrong as the bullying that they did to me and I later stopped doing that.It also showed me that it was no different than what they did to me.Again,my school years did end on a positive note,though I still remember all the bullying and threats that I received during the vast majority of my school years.I did further my education a little in the years after graduation,but I now have a wonderful job that I'm proud of and where I'm very much appreciated.
Still,I need prayerful support and also,I still need some positive verbal encouragement and spiritual upbuilding.Thanks for your support.Thanks also to both my heavenly Father and his son Jesus Christ.
Tomorrow is the start of the weekend.I have to work in the morning to make up the three hours that I didn't work on Thursday tomorrow and church as usual on Sunday.I hope that it will be a nice weekend for me.FJ
Thursday, November 16, 2017
Possible Triggers. My Apologies if Anything Negative Comes To Anyone Reading This.
Tonight,my rocky road to recovery continues moving forward.
Today,it was a work day and the half a day I had went a little better than yesterday.It wasn't too hectic,but again.it was a little better.When it was noon,I headed for home.
When I got home,I immediately jumped into the shower to clean up as I really needed it.After that,I shaved my face too look neat and after that,I got dressed again to head for my therapist's office.
However,when I got there,I learned that my appointment was rescheduled and after getting the new appointment time,I headed back home.
When I got home,I relaxed and did my personal PC work.After that was done,I went back out to turn in some bottles and cans at a local supermarket.I headed home again after that.
When I got home,I relaxed for the rest of the evening and did some more personal PC work.I later retired for the evening.A very good day overall.
My struggles with SSA are still getting worse instead of better.
Last night,while in bed,I couldn't sleep much as I had a hard time getting to sleep.I tossed and turned,but still had a tough time getting to sleep,though I did take my medication at the time that I was supposed to take it.
As a result of this tough time getting to sleep,I gave into temptation last night and it due to one of the perversions that I have,which I still will not discuss as I don't want to have any triggers set off on anyone.I manipulated my genitalia and wound up at the point of orgasm and then,masturbated the rest of the way until ejaculation.I felt miserable after giving into this terrible temptation.I also felt plain lousy and sad as a result.It was also a crushing weight on me because I sinned terribly.Though I did dose off,I still felt the same way I did last night as a result of my giving into this terrible temptation.I feel like that I'm the worst sinner of all as a result of my continuation of giving into these terrible temptations as the Apostle Paul said in his letters to Christians that he wrote to.I know that our Heavenly Father looks at all of us equally as in his eyes,there is no worse sinner than another,but I still feel like that I'm the worst as a result of giving into these awful urges as they don't give me anything but feelings of guilt,shame and sadness,which I always feel when I do give in as I really don't want to anymore.
I also want to share some more things as a continuation of the last few days.As I have mentioned in my last previous posts on her,my father was very abusive towards me when I was in between the ages of 8-9 years old.He both physically and emotionally abused me.The reason he used was that he was a "Christian" (i.e. born-again) and that he was using "Good old fashioned Christian discipline" on me.He repeatedly beat me with leather belts or anything that he could get his hands on to physically hurt me.He also emasculated me lots of times by calling me terrible names,such as stupid,worthless,dumb and that I would never amount to anything.He also took away my right of self expression and would always use drastic measures on me to ensure that I would never express myself nor even open my mouth.I was also physically beaten by my father when I had to stay after school for some behavioral mistake that I made,which only added insult to injury.No matter how many times that I said that I was sorry,it never did me any good as to him,saying that you're sorry doesn't cut it.Later on,in the ensuing years,I later learned that it wasn't really "Christian discipline" that he used,but Legalism in a theological sense.He was very loud and very abusive.I suffered the worst of it because I was his son and also,a boy.I felt these negative effects all over myself.Before all of that,I was a happy kid and loved being who I was,but after my father took me away from my mother and imposed his negative handiwork on me,I went from being a happy kid to being a young man full of intense anger and rage,which I haven't been able to overcome and recover from as nobody ever pointed me in the direction of resolving this in the right way.This,topped with the non-acknowledgement of my own paternal grandmother only made me feel hurt,angry,sad and full of rage.I am still feeling these negative effects of what happened during that brief time that I was with my father.
As a result of this,I wound up not only having emotional problems,but also wound up with Schizoaffective Disorder,which is a combination of Schizophrenia and Bipolar Disorder.This double whammy is why I am in the rut that I am in and also,my mental illness is making my struggles with SSA much more difficult.I still haven't overcome my emotional problems and I would love to overcome and recover from them.
I did later learn from one of my siblings that our father also possibly went through the same thing with his mother that I went through as she being my grandmother.This could mean that my father is also a tortured person himself,but the point is that there is no excuse to be abusive towards your own children in any way.There is no excuse to be abusive towards children or anyone.Abuse can scar someone for life and the scars from the abuse can take a long time to heal.These scars that I have are what caused me to have these problems,both emotional and mental.I crave healing and affirmation,but haven't been able to get these things.I am still seeking ways that I can get away from these problems and seek solutions,but also haven't succeeded.I am still yearning and hoping to find the right counseling and right affirming stuff so I can finally heal and get more out of my life,but again,I have not been able to find them.
I even checked for Christian counselors,but none of them are in my home area.I feel lost as a result of this,but I will keep checking and searching.I am hoping that one day I will finally get what I need to put me on the path to reclaiming my true identity and get the affirmations that I need to reclaim it.
I still need prayerful support.I also still need encouraging comments and spiritual upbuilding in the comments section.I just want to stop this fantasizing and lusting that I have been giving in to as of late as these things are unhealthy and don't give the right feeling or affirming that I need as it only feeds the immoral tendencies that go along with the fantasizing and lusting as lust is something that the Holy Bible,and it's author,our Heavenly Father,condemns.Please continue praying for me.Please continue to leave me some encouraging words and spiritual upbuilding in the comments section.Thanks for your continued support.Thanks also to both my Heavenly Father and his son Jesus Christ.
Tomorrow is a work day and I hope that all goes well.FJ
Today,it was a work day and the half a day I had went a little better than yesterday.It wasn't too hectic,but again.it was a little better.When it was noon,I headed for home.
When I got home,I immediately jumped into the shower to clean up as I really needed it.After that,I shaved my face too look neat and after that,I got dressed again to head for my therapist's office.
However,when I got there,I learned that my appointment was rescheduled and after getting the new appointment time,I headed back home.
When I got home,I relaxed and did my personal PC work.After that was done,I went back out to turn in some bottles and cans at a local supermarket.I headed home again after that.
When I got home,I relaxed for the rest of the evening and did some more personal PC work.I later retired for the evening.A very good day overall.
My struggles with SSA are still getting worse instead of better.
Last night,while in bed,I couldn't sleep much as I had a hard time getting to sleep.I tossed and turned,but still had a tough time getting to sleep,though I did take my medication at the time that I was supposed to take it.
As a result of this tough time getting to sleep,I gave into temptation last night and it due to one of the perversions that I have,which I still will not discuss as I don't want to have any triggers set off on anyone.I manipulated my genitalia and wound up at the point of orgasm and then,masturbated the rest of the way until ejaculation.I felt miserable after giving into this terrible temptation.I also felt plain lousy and sad as a result.It was also a crushing weight on me because I sinned terribly.Though I did dose off,I still felt the same way I did last night as a result of my giving into this terrible temptation.I feel like that I'm the worst sinner of all as a result of my continuation of giving into these terrible temptations as the Apostle Paul said in his letters to Christians that he wrote to.I know that our Heavenly Father looks at all of us equally as in his eyes,there is no worse sinner than another,but I still feel like that I'm the worst as a result of giving into these awful urges as they don't give me anything but feelings of guilt,shame and sadness,which I always feel when I do give in as I really don't want to anymore.
I also want to share some more things as a continuation of the last few days.As I have mentioned in my last previous posts on her,my father was very abusive towards me when I was in between the ages of 8-9 years old.He both physically and emotionally abused me.The reason he used was that he was a "Christian" (i.e. born-again) and that he was using "Good old fashioned Christian discipline" on me.He repeatedly beat me with leather belts or anything that he could get his hands on to physically hurt me.He also emasculated me lots of times by calling me terrible names,such as stupid,worthless,dumb and that I would never amount to anything.He also took away my right of self expression and would always use drastic measures on me to ensure that I would never express myself nor even open my mouth.I was also physically beaten by my father when I had to stay after school for some behavioral mistake that I made,which only added insult to injury.No matter how many times that I said that I was sorry,it never did me any good as to him,saying that you're sorry doesn't cut it.Later on,in the ensuing years,I later learned that it wasn't really "Christian discipline" that he used,but Legalism in a theological sense.He was very loud and very abusive.I suffered the worst of it because I was his son and also,a boy.I felt these negative effects all over myself.Before all of that,I was a happy kid and loved being who I was,but after my father took me away from my mother and imposed his negative handiwork on me,I went from being a happy kid to being a young man full of intense anger and rage,which I haven't been able to overcome and recover from as nobody ever pointed me in the direction of resolving this in the right way.This,topped with the non-acknowledgement of my own paternal grandmother only made me feel hurt,angry,sad and full of rage.I am still feeling these negative effects of what happened during that brief time that I was with my father.
As a result of this,I wound up not only having emotional problems,but also wound up with Schizoaffective Disorder,which is a combination of Schizophrenia and Bipolar Disorder.This double whammy is why I am in the rut that I am in and also,my mental illness is making my struggles with SSA much more difficult.I still haven't overcome my emotional problems and I would love to overcome and recover from them.
I did later learn from one of my siblings that our father also possibly went through the same thing with his mother that I went through as she being my grandmother.This could mean that my father is also a tortured person himself,but the point is that there is no excuse to be abusive towards your own children in any way.There is no excuse to be abusive towards children or anyone.Abuse can scar someone for life and the scars from the abuse can take a long time to heal.These scars that I have are what caused me to have these problems,both emotional and mental.I crave healing and affirmation,but haven't been able to get these things.I am still seeking ways that I can get away from these problems and seek solutions,but also haven't succeeded.I am still yearning and hoping to find the right counseling and right affirming stuff so I can finally heal and get more out of my life,but again,I have not been able to find them.
I even checked for Christian counselors,but none of them are in my home area.I feel lost as a result of this,but I will keep checking and searching.I am hoping that one day I will finally get what I need to put me on the path to reclaiming my true identity and get the affirmations that I need to reclaim it.
I still need prayerful support.I also still need encouraging comments and spiritual upbuilding in the comments section.I just want to stop this fantasizing and lusting that I have been giving in to as of late as these things are unhealthy and don't give the right feeling or affirming that I need as it only feeds the immoral tendencies that go along with the fantasizing and lusting as lust is something that the Holy Bible,and it's author,our Heavenly Father,condemns.Please continue praying for me.Please continue to leave me some encouraging words and spiritual upbuilding in the comments section.Thanks for your continued support.Thanks also to both my Heavenly Father and his son Jesus Christ.
Tomorrow is a work day and I hope that all goes well.FJ
Wednesday, November 15, 2017
Tonight,my rocky road to recovery continues moving onward.
I had a very hectic work day today.It was one thing after another with not only the clients of the facility,but also,a few particular staff members as well.I had to drop one thing to accommodate and work faster than ever to get the job done within the specific time that I had to do it.After it was over,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I changed into pajama pants and I ate my meal.I also did a little bit of work on the outside and did some cleaning work on the inside.I relaxed and did my personal PC work.I was glad when the work day ended as it was a very hectic day.I was also glad to be home so I could relax and take it easy.I later retired for the evening and again,a very hectic day overall.
As I reported last night,this SSA struggle seems to be getting worse for me instead of better.I still feel like I'm stuck in the middle of the road between Homosexuality and Heterosexuality.I have given into terrible temptation after terrible temptation.Every time I give into these things,I also feel lousy and terrible afterwards.I just can't seem to break free from this vicious cycle or trap that I'm in.Sexual images of men in general cloud my mind and it gets worse and worse.I try to shake loose,but can't seem to do so.
What is wrong with me?
What am I doing wrong?
What can I do to stop this vicious cycle or trap?
Last night,I shared about the intense anger that I feel with my father.I feel it for all the physical and emotional abuse he did to me during the time I was between the ages of 8-9 years of age.He never let me express myself and when I tried to do so,I was punished by him thinking that it was the demons talking through me and he would also hold me down until he felt the evil spirits were out of me.I was also punished when I got sick constantly.My father also deprived me of things that I loved and enjoyed because he felt that those things were of Satan and his evil demons and said that he didn't want them in his house,which he tried to make into "The perfect little Christian home" free of all worldly influences,but it only added to my emotional problems and issues instead of being anything beneficial.I was an emotional wreck and I still haven't been able to overcome the negative effects of it all as nobody ever pointed me in the right direction of wanting to overcome these things.
Aside from my father,I also feel intense anger towards my paternal grandmother,who was my father's mother.Though she has been dead for over a decade,I am still feeling the anger that I have for her.She never acknowledged me after the death of my paternal grandfather,who died when I was six years old and was more like a father to me at that time than my own father was in my lifetime.She acknowledged her other grandchildren,but not me or my older siblings.To her,I simply didn't exist.She refused to even recognize me as her grandson.This really hurt me and at times,made me sad where I felt like crying,but held back all of the tears.Though she is dead,I still feel the anger,sadness and hurt that she caused by her refusal to acknowledge me as her grandson.She also didn't talk very nicely to me either when I did talk with her during her lifetime on a few occasions.She just didn't want to talk to me unless she was forced to by someone else within the family.
I also want to share something in regards to this SSA struggle that I have.This particular struggle made me realize that I had perversions that I never thought I had nor would even think of having.I won't mention what these perversions are as I don't want to trigger anything in anyone.
Why?
Because these perversions are terrible,degrading and inappropriate.I don't want to scare anyone away from me either,so I won't mention them nor will I talk about them and again,I don't want to trigger any negative effects in anyone reading this.Please don't ask me to describe nor talk about these perversions.I am hoping that they will fade when I find what I have to do right just so I can feel stronger and not be giving into them constantly.
I feel so ashamed that I have these perversions.I don't want to have them anymore nor even feel them.
I am hoping that I can find what I need to get rid of these things and start towards what I need to heal and finally get control of this terrible SSA struggle and again,move on and finally feel the real healing that I need.
If anyone can help,please do so.I still need to be assured and reassured that I'm not alone in this struggle,although I feel that I'm alone in this struggle at times.
Please continue praying for me.Please continue to share some verbal encouragement and spiritual upbuilding in the comments sections as I need all of these things to keep going.Thanks to all of you and Thanks to both my Heavenly Father and his son Jesus Christ.
Tomorrow is a work day in the morning and in the afternoon,I have to see my therapist.I am hoping that both of these things go well with me.Thanks again to all of you and to my Heavenly Father and his son Jesus Christ.FJ
I had a very hectic work day today.It was one thing after another with not only the clients of the facility,but also,a few particular staff members as well.I had to drop one thing to accommodate and work faster than ever to get the job done within the specific time that I had to do it.After it was over,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I changed into pajama pants and I ate my meal.I also did a little bit of work on the outside and did some cleaning work on the inside.I relaxed and did my personal PC work.I was glad when the work day ended as it was a very hectic day.I was also glad to be home so I could relax and take it easy.I later retired for the evening and again,a very hectic day overall.
As I reported last night,this SSA struggle seems to be getting worse for me instead of better.I still feel like I'm stuck in the middle of the road between Homosexuality and Heterosexuality.I have given into terrible temptation after terrible temptation.Every time I give into these things,I also feel lousy and terrible afterwards.I just can't seem to break free from this vicious cycle or trap that I'm in.Sexual images of men in general cloud my mind and it gets worse and worse.I try to shake loose,but can't seem to do so.
What is wrong with me?
What am I doing wrong?
What can I do to stop this vicious cycle or trap?
Last night,I shared about the intense anger that I feel with my father.I feel it for all the physical and emotional abuse he did to me during the time I was between the ages of 8-9 years of age.He never let me express myself and when I tried to do so,I was punished by him thinking that it was the demons talking through me and he would also hold me down until he felt the evil spirits were out of me.I was also punished when I got sick constantly.My father also deprived me of things that I loved and enjoyed because he felt that those things were of Satan and his evil demons and said that he didn't want them in his house,which he tried to make into "The perfect little Christian home" free of all worldly influences,but it only added to my emotional problems and issues instead of being anything beneficial.I was an emotional wreck and I still haven't been able to overcome the negative effects of it all as nobody ever pointed me in the right direction of wanting to overcome these things.
Aside from my father,I also feel intense anger towards my paternal grandmother,who was my father's mother.Though she has been dead for over a decade,I am still feeling the anger that I have for her.She never acknowledged me after the death of my paternal grandfather,who died when I was six years old and was more like a father to me at that time than my own father was in my lifetime.She acknowledged her other grandchildren,but not me or my older siblings.To her,I simply didn't exist.She refused to even recognize me as her grandson.This really hurt me and at times,made me sad where I felt like crying,but held back all of the tears.Though she is dead,I still feel the anger,sadness and hurt that she caused by her refusal to acknowledge me as her grandson.She also didn't talk very nicely to me either when I did talk with her during her lifetime on a few occasions.She just didn't want to talk to me unless she was forced to by someone else within the family.
I also want to share something in regards to this SSA struggle that I have.This particular struggle made me realize that I had perversions that I never thought I had nor would even think of having.I won't mention what these perversions are as I don't want to trigger anything in anyone.
Why?
Because these perversions are terrible,degrading and inappropriate.I don't want to scare anyone away from me either,so I won't mention them nor will I talk about them and again,I don't want to trigger any negative effects in anyone reading this.Please don't ask me to describe nor talk about these perversions.I am hoping that they will fade when I find what I have to do right just so I can feel stronger and not be giving into them constantly.
I feel so ashamed that I have these perversions.I don't want to have them anymore nor even feel them.
I am hoping that I can find what I need to get rid of these things and start towards what I need to heal and finally get control of this terrible SSA struggle and again,move on and finally feel the real healing that I need.
If anyone can help,please do so.I still need to be assured and reassured that I'm not alone in this struggle,although I feel that I'm alone in this struggle at times.
Please continue praying for me.Please continue to share some verbal encouragement and spiritual upbuilding in the comments sections as I need all of these things to keep going.Thanks to all of you and Thanks to both my Heavenly Father and his son Jesus Christ.
Tomorrow is a work day in the morning and in the afternoon,I have to see my therapist.I am hoping that both of these things go well with me.Thanks again to all of you and to my Heavenly Father and his son Jesus Christ.FJ
Tuesday, November 14, 2017
Tonight,my rocky road to recovery continues moving onward.
Today,it was a work day and it went well,despite a few setbacks.After it was over,I headed straight home.
I relaxed for a while and had my evening meal.I also did my personal PC work.I later prepared to retire for the evening.A very good day overall.
I am still struggling terribly with SSA.I have given into temptations to fantasize and lust with sexual images of men.These images have flooded my mind so much.I don't know what to do or how to get rid of them.
I have fallen into sin by giving into the urges to fantasize and lust.
This SSA struggle that I have seems to be getting worse.
I don't know what's wrong with me.
I don't know why I don't know if I'm coming or going.
I don't know why I can't stop giving into these terrible urges.
I also discovered that I have this intense anger deep within me.I don't know why I have this intense anger burning deep within me.
I have a feeling that this intense anger burning within me has a lot to do with the way that I feel about my father,especially because he physically and emotionally abused me during a brief period within my childhood.I have this intense anger,which is like a ticking time bomb set to exploded when the wrong this is said by somebody.I also feel anger towards those who bullied me when I was younger.I also feel anger towards people who said that they loved me,but they lied to me,especially with the religious groups that I used to follow.Is it possible that feel angry with myself?
I don't know what to do.I want to stop these things,but feel that I am unable.I also want to get rid of all of these angry feelings and issues that I have.This anger that I have is really burning within me.
If anyone can help,please help me by posting encouraging words in the comments section.Please help me by praying for me.I need all the prayerful support that I can get.I also need some spiritual upbuilding as well.Please provide that as well.
I approved a comment by someone who stopped by today.I am grateful that he did that.Thanks.
I still need more support.I am hoping to get some more soon.
Tomorrow is a work day and I hope that all goes well.FJ
Today,it was a work day and it went well,despite a few setbacks.After it was over,I headed straight home.
I relaxed for a while and had my evening meal.I also did my personal PC work.I later prepared to retire for the evening.A very good day overall.
I am still struggling terribly with SSA.I have given into temptations to fantasize and lust with sexual images of men.These images have flooded my mind so much.I don't know what to do or how to get rid of them.
I have fallen into sin by giving into the urges to fantasize and lust.
This SSA struggle that I have seems to be getting worse.
I don't know what's wrong with me.
I don't know why I don't know if I'm coming or going.
I don't know why I can't stop giving into these terrible urges.
I also discovered that I have this intense anger deep within me.I don't know why I have this intense anger burning deep within me.
I have a feeling that this intense anger burning within me has a lot to do with the way that I feel about my father,especially because he physically and emotionally abused me during a brief period within my childhood.I have this intense anger,which is like a ticking time bomb set to exploded when the wrong this is said by somebody.I also feel anger towards those who bullied me when I was younger.I also feel anger towards people who said that they loved me,but they lied to me,especially with the religious groups that I used to follow.Is it possible that feel angry with myself?
I don't know what to do.I want to stop these things,but feel that I am unable.I also want to get rid of all of these angry feelings and issues that I have.This anger that I have is really burning within me.
If anyone can help,please help me by posting encouraging words in the comments section.Please help me by praying for me.I need all the prayerful support that I can get.I also need some spiritual upbuilding as well.Please provide that as well.
I approved a comment by someone who stopped by today.I am grateful that he did that.Thanks.
I still need more support.I am hoping to get some more soon.
Tomorrow is a work day and I hope that all goes well.FJ
Monday, November 13, 2017
Tonight,my rocky road to recovery continues moving onward.
Today was a simple work day.I went to work and went home after it was done.
I did my personal PC work while at home and went out to get a couple of things for my evening meal.I headed for home.
I ate my meal at home and I did some more personal PC work.I later retired for the evening.A very good day overall.
I am still terribly struggling with SSA.
I gave into temptations earlier today.It was in my office at work while on a short break.I really felt miserable about this and it really ate at me like something that I can't describe.
I have been posting about my struggles and being open and not hiding anything,but nobody has left anything in the comments section.
I keep asking for encouraging words and spiritual upbuilding,but nobody has left anything.
I am really struggling right now.I need some help.I need positive verbal encouragement.I also need some spiritual upbuilding.
I feel that everybody who has read my blog before have given up on me.Please don't give up on me.I need people to be behind me in my struggle.I need to know that I'm not alone,though I do feel alone right now.
Please pray for me.Please leave me some positive verbal support,in the forms of positive encouragement and spiritual upbuilding,in the comments section.
I need support.I need people to be behind me.Please let me know if you're still with me.
Thanks in advance for offering encouragement and upbuilding.Thanks also to my Heavenly Father and his son Jesus Christ.
Tomorrow is a work day and I hope that all goes well.FJ
Today was a simple work day.I went to work and went home after it was done.
I did my personal PC work while at home and went out to get a couple of things for my evening meal.I headed for home.
I ate my meal at home and I did some more personal PC work.I later retired for the evening.A very good day overall.
I am still terribly struggling with SSA.
I gave into temptations earlier today.It was in my office at work while on a short break.I really felt miserable about this and it really ate at me like something that I can't describe.
I have been posting about my struggles and being open and not hiding anything,but nobody has left anything in the comments section.
I keep asking for encouraging words and spiritual upbuilding,but nobody has left anything.
I am really struggling right now.I need some help.I need positive verbal encouragement.I also need some spiritual upbuilding.
I feel that everybody who has read my blog before have given up on me.Please don't give up on me.I need people to be behind me in my struggle.I need to know that I'm not alone,though I do feel alone right now.
Please pray for me.Please leave me some positive verbal support,in the forms of positive encouragement and spiritual upbuilding,in the comments section.
I need support.I need people to be behind me.Please let me know if you're still with me.
Thanks in advance for offering encouragement and upbuilding.Thanks also to my Heavenly Father and his son Jesus Christ.
Tomorrow is a work day and I hope that all goes well.FJ
Sunday, November 12, 2017
Tonight,my rocky road to recovery continues moving forward.
This morning,after having coffee and cleaning up a little,I got dressed up and headed for church for both the morning's Holy Bible study class and the worship service afterwards.
Both the class and the worship service were wonderful.After some wonderful fellowship,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I relaxed and did my personal PC work.I also went out to lunch at a Chinese restaurant and headed back home after that.
When I got home,I relaxed for a while again while doing more personal PC work.I then later went back out to a local supermarket to pick up a few things and even picked up a sandwich at a local McDonald's.I also bought some fries at a local Wendy's before heading straight home again.
When I got home,I ate my sandwich and fries and did some more personal PC work.I also did a little bit of cleaning work in the house.Later on,I prepared to retire for the evening.A wonderful and eventful day overall.
I am still terribly struggling with SSA.It has been very difficult for me these last few weeks.
I have been giving into terrible temptations constantly.I don't know why I do.
I still continue to ask myself "What am I doing wrong?"
I also still continue to ask myself "What can I or have to do to stop giving into these terrible temptations?"
I feel that I'm failing my Heavenly Father and his son Jesus Christ every time I give in to these terrible temptations.I don't want to fail them,but I feel that I am.
I am still seeking advice from anyone who can help me.I feel that I'm all alone in this struggle.
Please continue praying for me.Please leave me some positive verbal support,such as encouragement and spiritual upbuilding,in the comments section.I need all the help and support that I can get.I need to know that there are still people who are behind me all the way.I also need to know that nobody has given up on me.Please pray for me and support me though encouragement and spiritual upbuilding.Thanks to all of you and Thanks to my Heavenly Father and his son Jesus Christ.
Tomorrow is a work day and I hope that all goes well.FJ
This morning,after having coffee and cleaning up a little,I got dressed up and headed for church for both the morning's Holy Bible study class and the worship service afterwards.
Both the class and the worship service were wonderful.After some wonderful fellowship,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I relaxed and did my personal PC work.I also went out to lunch at a Chinese restaurant and headed back home after that.
When I got home,I relaxed for a while again while doing more personal PC work.I then later went back out to a local supermarket to pick up a few things and even picked up a sandwich at a local McDonald's.I also bought some fries at a local Wendy's before heading straight home again.
When I got home,I ate my sandwich and fries and did some more personal PC work.I also did a little bit of cleaning work in the house.Later on,I prepared to retire for the evening.A wonderful and eventful day overall.
I am still terribly struggling with SSA.It has been very difficult for me these last few weeks.
I have been giving into terrible temptations constantly.I don't know why I do.
I still continue to ask myself "What am I doing wrong?"
I also still continue to ask myself "What can I or have to do to stop giving into these terrible temptations?"
I feel that I'm failing my Heavenly Father and his son Jesus Christ every time I give in to these terrible temptations.I don't want to fail them,but I feel that I am.
I am still seeking advice from anyone who can help me.I feel that I'm all alone in this struggle.
Please continue praying for me.Please leave me some positive verbal support,such as encouragement and spiritual upbuilding,in the comments section.I need all the help and support that I can get.I need to know that there are still people who are behind me all the way.I also need to know that nobody has given up on me.Please pray for me and support me though encouragement and spiritual upbuilding.Thanks to all of you and Thanks to my Heavenly Father and his son Jesus Christ.
Tomorrow is a work day and I hope that all goes well.FJ
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