Tonight,my rocky road to recovery continues moving forward.

Today was a work day and it went well.After it was over,I headed for home.
When I got home,I relaxed and did a little bit of cleaning work in the house.
Later on,after my evening meal,I did my personal PC work.I relaxed for a while and just reflected on the day and how well the work day was.I did some more personal PC work and then,retired for the evening as I was getting tired.A very good day overall.

In my SSA struggles,I talked about the abuse that I suffered at the hands of my father and my paternal grandmother's refusal to acknowledge me as her grandson.I would like to add that before my father did his negative handiwork on me when I was a boy,I had no emotional problems.I felt no pull of any sort towards other boys.I did have crushes on a few older ladies and such.I also did like girls as well in some ways and saw that they were cool.However,as I have shared that when I was between the age of 8-9 years old,that is when my father took me away from my mother and laid his negative handiwork on me.He made me a young man full of anger and rage that continues to burn within me to this day.Even my mother's boyfriend at the time angrily asked my father during the bitter custody battle that followed between my mother and father "What did you do to that boy to make him like that?" and my father answered him very nastily "I gave that boy good old fashioned Christian discipline."Of course,it was Legalism as I learned years later.He deprived me of things that I enjoyed and took away a lot of things that I cherished.He made me a slave in his own house and wouldn't let me have what I had when I was with my mother.I really didn't need my father in my life as I had quite a few positive male role models that were pointing me in the right direction and I was happier.His so called "Christian discipline" ruined me and made me the emotional,confused and mental wreck that I am.I still seek healing and I will continue to seek healing until I get it.Plus,my father deprived me of things I enjoyed,such as the TV shows I liked,the music I liked and imposed his own thing on me.The only music allowed was Gospel music and anything related to it and only Christian based shows instead of the things I enjoyed.

I also want to bring up something else that came to my mind today.This came to my mind while I was on my lunch hour at work.There was another thing that my father did to me that also added to how I feel and the intense anger and rage that goes along with it.My father also never let me get involved in extracurricular activities after school.I wanted to get involved with these things as I did when I was still living with my mother.My father wouldn't let me do anything I wanted to do.Not only that,I was always invited to birthday parties and get together's with other kids from school,but again,my father would never let me go to these things.His reason or excuse,depending on the point of view of others,was because of my "unChristian behavior".I mean,what "unChristian behavior"?This is yet another case where showing emotion got me punished as when I showed how I felt about his constant refusal to let me do anything that I wanted to do,I got punished.I got so mad and angry that I slammed the door every time this would happen,but again,for showing one ounce of emotion,I was punished severely and after he would slap me around with anything he could pick up,he would then say "That unChristian behavior is what I am talking about! That is something a two year old would do when they don't get their way!"He would always say "like a two year old" constantly whenever I expressed anything on how I felt.I was still a mere child back then as I was 8 and later 9 years of age.Is saying that "Only a two year old would do something like that" a mere stereotype.I want to know.Please answer this question for me.Thanks.

There is another area that I would like to talk about that contributed to my SSA and other emotional,and mental,issues.I was also the target of bullies in school.I was bullied by many kids when I was going to school.I was called names,such as retard,retarded,freakazoid,freaky boy,psycho and just plain freak.I was also the target of threats from these bullies.They not only threatened me with violence,but also threatened my life as well many times.This was because of my being in special education starting with the fourth grade and was in special ed until graduation.I was also harassed by many kids and no matter how many times I demanded them to "Leave me alone",they wouldn't.They kept harassing me by not only threatening me,but threw rocks at me,called me names and even pushed me against the wall many times.When I was a freshman in high school,many jerks and meanies would say things like; "Satan's gonna get you! Watch out,Satan's gonna get you!"Though it was half heartedly,I would always respond by saying "Not if the lord and savior Jesus Christ has anything to say or do about it."Of course, they would laugh wickedly at this thinking that it was a joke.One tough guy tried to strangle me to death,but his girlfriend and a couple of his other friends pulled him away.I was also the target of all sorts of violence by the bullies and anyone that they could get to join them in their assaults of me.I suffered this so much and the worst part of it was the school administrators did little if nothing to stop the bullying.I was the one getting into trouble for being bullied while the bullies got off scot free or got a slap on the wrist.It was like the bullies were the ones running the school and the administrators who were supposed top be the ones enforcing the rules were simply sitting on their butts letting it happen.This was terrible as I went through it most of my academic life.I could never be the student I could've been as a result of being in special ed,being the target of bullies and also,most of the bullies and tough guys were in the same classroom as I was,which made it really tough.Not only that,when I was 17,I nearly lost my life when I was chased into the path of two cars one night.I was struck by one and run over and dragged by the second.I could've died if it weren't for a passer-by getting into the street and signifying the driver who was dragging me to stop,which he did,but I was seriously injured and the doctors who operated on me didn't give me a good chance of survival as a result and the extent of my injuries.However,I pulled through and lived to tell about it as it is a night that is still locked in my mind.Though I did start having friends after that and I had a wonderful senior year,whose memories I still cherish to this day.Still,being bullied and threatened by the bullies who bullied me around were another contributor to my SSA struggles,alongside my mental and other emotional problems.It was like that I was reliving what my own father did to me because their bullying me was no different than the abusive ways that my father unleashed upon me during the brief time I spent with him when I was between the age of 8-9 years of age.All of that made my anger and rage worse as there were times I imagined them getting their due for all of the terrible things they did to me.Believe me,I really thought of some terrible things that I wished would happen to them as a result of their terrible things that they did to me.Of course,it was wrong of me to even imagine these things,but that was the way that I felt at the time.Again,I learned that imagining these things was as wrong as the bullying that they did to me and I later stopped doing that.It also showed me that it was no different than what they did to me.Again,my school years did end on a positive note,though I still remember all the bullying and threats that I received during the vast majority of my school years.I did further my education a little in the years after graduation,but I now have a wonderful job that I'm proud of and where I'm very much appreciated.

Still,I need prayerful support and also,I still need some positive verbal encouragement and spiritual upbuilding.Thanks for your support.Thanks also to both my heavenly Father and his son Jesus Christ.
Tomorrow is the start of the weekend.I have to work in the morning to make up the three hours that I didn't work on Thursday tomorrow and church as usual on Sunday.I hope that it will be a nice weekend for me.FJ