Tonight,my rocky road to recovery continues moving onward.
Today,it was a work day and it went well,despite a few setbacks.After it was over,I headed straight home.
I relaxed for a while and had my evening meal.I also did my personal PC work.I later prepared to retire for the evening.A very good day overall.
I am still struggling terribly with SSA.I have given into temptations to fantasize and lust with sexual images of men.These images have flooded my mind so much.I don't know what to do or how to get rid of them.
I have fallen into sin by giving into the urges to fantasize and lust.
This SSA struggle that I have seems to be getting worse.
I don't know what's wrong with me.
I don't know why I don't know if I'm coming or going.
I don't know why I can't stop giving into these terrible urges.
I also discovered that I have this intense anger deep within me.I don't know why I have this intense anger burning deep within me.
I have a feeling that this intense anger burning within me has a lot to do with the way that I feel about my father,especially because he physically and emotionally abused me during a brief period within my childhood.I have this intense anger,which is like a ticking time bomb set to exploded when the wrong this is said by somebody.I also feel anger towards those who bullied me when I was younger.I also feel anger towards people who said that they loved me,but they lied to me,especially with the religious groups that I used to follow.Is it possible that feel angry with myself?
I don't know what to do.I want to stop these things,but feel that I am unable.I also want to get rid of all of these angry feelings and issues that I have.This anger that I have is really burning within me.
If anyone can help,please help me by posting encouraging words in the comments section.Please help me by praying for me.I need all the prayerful support that I can get.I also need some spiritual upbuilding as well.Please provide that as well.
I approved a comment by someone who stopped by today.I am grateful that he did that.Thanks.
I still need more support.I am hoping to get some more soon.
Tomorrow is a work day and I hope that all goes well.FJ
1 comment:
FJ,
Just want to say first that I am encouraged that you are sharing more of your struggle concerning specific items. I think there is a tendency to hold things inside, to be silent and not voice the things that have hurt us so much. It does not bring shame to share our secrets but it is hard since we are afraid of rejection or of not being believed. We just want to be loved and to know someone is proud of us, but not hearing those words or knowing we are secure in our "family" can affect how we view the world. Is it safe? Am I valued?
For me, specific things happened between the ages of 11 and 13 that affected me so negatively. Things like sexual abuse, abandonment by parents when in many ways I needed them the most, bullying at school and a physical abnormality that began I believe as a result of abuse. I mention this because as I have read the stories of others it seems a lot of trauma/abuse happened just around the time puberty began. As we know, a very vulnerable time for a guy.
I don't have all the answers for sure but just thought I'd share a little what I now see and have learned. I also found myself experiencing deep anger in the past...I took it out on myself mostly, physically and emotionally. I never understood why exactly but I think I had held in the pain and hurt (that silent thing) for so long that it was coming out as anger toward myself. They say that children/kids think when hurtful things happen to them that they are somehow at fault. We know now that it wasn't our fault, I know and I hope and pray you also know it wasn't your fault.
You have probably always wondered why your father treated you that way? I bet you've waited and waited for him to just say something about it. I also assume you are petrified to even mention it to him for fear he would pass it off as unimportant; that happened to me. To forgive him is so important whether or not he ever admits he failed. To forgive, you are lessening the burden you have been carrying and gives God a greater opportunity to display His great love for you. I know from experience that God our Father's love is great enough to carry us through anything and we can trust Him ALL the way. God also wants you to feel His presence with you...that comes by giving Him every burden.
For four and a half years that I have been retired I have shed more tears than you can imagine. There was so much turmoil and pain I held insider. There was also the years of sexual acting out, masturbation, etc. that I thought I could not stop but held on to...there were consequences that came as a result of my sinful actions but as long as I indulged, my eyes didn't see the whole picture. As I mentioned yesterday, it affected my brain and emotions and made it seem like I couldn't resist the physical acting out. We know that acting out doesn't satisfy and we keep yearning something more, a more exciting thrill...that's a consequence that holds so many captive. Then the older we get there is the regrets such as; we could have had a family, we could have been free to love as God intended, we could have made better and lasting decisions, we would not find ourselves feeling so alone (these are regrets I have but even with them I had to surrender them to God who forgives us and heals our brokenness). All in all the many tears I shed also came to a point when those tears were joyful tears, tears that told me God was with me through it all...I was not alone. That I/we can trust Him with absolutely everything!
Stan
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