Tonight,my rocky road to recovery continues moving onward.

Today was a day that I had to make up the time I didn't work Thursday due to an appointment with my therapist,however,it was rescheduled and I only learned about it when I arrived at the office.I managed to get a lot done within the few hours that I worked and after dropping off some free newspapers at other people's places,I bought a sandwich and fries at a local Arby's and after eating them there,I headed straight home.

When I got home,I simply relaxed and did my personal PC work.I also listened to a little music online and watched a video in one of the groups that I'm a member of.After that,I helped my sister out with putting away some groceries and relaxed a little more.After she left to get together with a few of her friends,I headed back out to a local supermarket to buy a can of soup and a fee healthy snacks before heading straight home.

When I got home,I heated up the can of soup and also made a sandwich,which was my evening meal.I then cleaned the dishes and relaxed while doing some more personal PC work.I later retired for the evening as I was getting sleepy.A very good day overall.

In the last few blog posts,I shared some really deep and serious stuff in regards to my growing up and all the abuse that I suffered at the hands of my father,the non-acknowledgement of my paternal grandmother,the bullying that I endured as a result of my being in special education due to the aforementioned emotional problems that I had that were caused by the legalistic abuse at the hands of my father and my own paternal grandmother ignoring me.I also shared my near death experience,which happened at the hands of some of those bullies who chased me into the path of two oncoming cars,but I managed to survive and live to tell about it. All the name calling and insults that I endured at the hand of bullies and also,all the threats that I received and those jerks telling me all the time that "Satan's gonna get you!" and even the violence that I endured at the hands of the bullies.The harassment is another thing I endured.These things really messed me up and again,it's why I have the emotional,mental and SSA issues that I have now.The SSA struggle that I have is even more difficult as a result of my mental health issues with the Schizo-Affective Disorder that I have and that makes this particular struggle for me even more difficult.

Now,I am going to go into the other abuse that I endured when I was younger.I was also sexually abused when I was a child.The first instance was when I was 7 years old when a man who lived in my neighborhood invited me into his house and masturbated in front of me when he tricked me into coming to the bathroom in his house,but for a long time,I had forgotten about this until it came back to me in a dream when I was seeking therapy for sexual abuse,which is when I remembered it all too well.There was also another instance when I was 10 years old.At that age, a 16 year old boy who I hadn't met before until that day i met him,talked me into performing oral sex on him,which I did.He taught me how to do it and all that.After that instant,I actually became confused and thought that maybe this is what guys do.The worst instance was when I was 16 years old,when a man who lived in my neighborhood,raped me.He lured me into his house and made me get naked with him.He even gave me alcohol and then,he lured me to his bed and he tried to ram his private parts up my rectum without using a condom and it really hurt me terribly.I was almost on the verge of crying when this happened,but held back the tears.He did grow tired of my wincing in pain and pulled his genitalia out of me.He then said that if I told anyone,he would deny it and say that I was lying.I kept it hush-hush all of that time and didn't reveal it until I sought sexual abuse therapy where I could talk about this and the others in a private and confidential setting without fear of being found out.There were also other instances where other young men used me for their pleasure as they always talked me into performing oral sex on them.There were times that I would refuse,but the minute the released their genitals to me,I gave in and performed the oral sex activity on them.I admit that there were times that they asked and I obliged because I wanted to,but most of the time,I was being made to do it whenever they released their genitals from the bounds of their pants and I gave into doing it.I also had numerous encounters with men over the years where I would join in their perverted and twisted pleasures.While it made me feel good for a while,it made me feel empty yet again when the good feelings disappeared.But again,I simply went and did the same old things again with the same old men and again,the same emptiness would return.All in all,it made me a very confused mess within my mind and as a result of all of these things,I suffer from psychological dysfunction and the SSA that I currently struggle with.I am still in recovery and I don't know if I will ever fully recover.I am still seeking the right therapy,but mostly,I would like for it to be spiritual and encouraging.I haven't found anything yet of that sort,but I'm still seeking and hoping to find it.

The thing is this;I am trying to find healthy and authentic relationships with other guys.I am looking for friendships,bonding and to just be one of the guys.I am a guy myself.It has been a struggle trying to find affirming healthy and authentic relationships of this sort,but I still remain hopeful and hoping that one day,I can find these things.

I am also still hoping to find a way where I can let go and transcend the feelings of anger and rage and also,all the trauma issues from my years growing up.I am hoping that one day,I can find the right spiritual counseling where I can find release from these and get more out of my life.I feel that these things are preventing me from discovering the real healing that I so truly need.If anyone can help me,please share some encouraging words and spiritual upbuilding in the comments section of my blog.Thanks to all of you and Thanks also to both my Heavenly Father and his son Jesus Christ.

Tomorrow is church and I am hoping to get a lot out of it and hopefully,the day will also be wonderful.FJ