Possible Triggers. My Apologies if Anything Negative Comes To Anyone Reading This.

Tonight,my rocky road to recovery continues moving forward.
Today,it was a work day and the half a day I had went a little better than yesterday.It wasn't too hectic,but again.it was a little better.When it was noon,I headed for home.
When I got home,I immediately jumped into the shower to clean up as I really needed it.After that,I shaved my face too look neat and after that,I got dressed again to head for my therapist's office.
However,when I got there,I learned that my appointment was rescheduled and after getting the new appointment time,I headed back home.
When I got home,I relaxed and did my personal PC work.After that was done,I went back out to turn in some bottles and cans at a local supermarket.I headed home again after that.
When I got home,I relaxed for the rest of the evening and did some more personal PC work.I later retired for the evening.A very good day overall.
My struggles with SSA are still getting worse instead of better.
Last night,while in bed,I couldn't sleep much as I had a hard time getting to sleep.I tossed and turned,but still had a tough time getting to sleep,though I did take my medication at the time that I was supposed to take it.
As a result of this tough time getting to sleep,I gave into temptation last night and it due to one of the perversions that I have,which I still will not discuss as I don't want to have any triggers set off on anyone.I manipulated my genitalia and wound up at the point of orgasm and then,masturbated the rest of the way until ejaculation.I felt miserable after giving into this terrible temptation.I also felt plain lousy and sad as a result.It was also a crushing weight on me because I sinned terribly.Though I did dose off,I still felt the same way I did last night as a result of my giving into this terrible temptation.I feel like that I'm the worst sinner of all as a result of my continuation of giving into these terrible temptations as the Apostle Paul said in his letters to Christians that he wrote to.I know that our Heavenly Father looks at all of us equally as in his eyes,there is no worse sinner than another,but I still feel like that I'm the worst as a result of giving into these awful urges as they don't give me anything but feelings of guilt,shame and sadness,which I always feel when I do give in as I really don't want to anymore.
I also want to share some more things as a continuation of the last few days.As I have mentioned in my last previous posts on her,my father was very abusive towards me when I was in between the ages of 8-9 years old.He both physically and emotionally abused me.The reason he used was that he was a "Christian" (i.e. born-again) and that he was using "Good old fashioned Christian discipline" on me.He repeatedly beat me with leather belts or anything that he could get his hands on to physically hurt me.He also emasculated me lots of times by calling me terrible names,such as stupid,worthless,dumb and that I would never amount to anything.He also took away my right of self expression and would always use drastic measures on me to ensure that I would never express myself nor even open my mouth.I was also physically beaten by my father when I had to stay after school for some behavioral mistake that I made,which only added insult to injury.No matter how many times that I said that I was sorry,it never did me any good as to him,saying that you're sorry doesn't cut it.Later on,in the ensuing years,I later learned that it wasn't really "Christian discipline" that he used,but Legalism in a theological sense.He was very loud and very abusive.I suffered the worst of it because I was his son and also,a boy.I felt these negative effects all over myself.Before all of that,I was a happy kid and loved being who I was,but after my father took me away from my mother and imposed his negative handiwork on me,I went from being a happy kid to being a young man full of intense anger and rage,which I haven't been able to overcome and recover from as nobody ever pointed me in the direction of resolving this in the right way.This,topped with the non-acknowledgement of my own paternal grandmother only made me feel hurt,angry,sad and full of rage.I am still feeling these negative effects of what happened during that brief time that I was with my father.
As a result of this,I wound up not only having emotional problems,but also wound up with Schizoaffective Disorder,which is a combination of Schizophrenia and Bipolar Disorder.This double whammy is why I am in the rut that I am in and also,my mental illness is making my struggles with SSA much more difficult.I still haven't overcome my emotional problems and I would love to overcome and recover from them.
I did later learn from one of my siblings that our father also possibly went through the same thing with his mother that I went through as she being my grandmother.This could mean that my father is also a tortured person himself,but the point is that there is no excuse to be abusive towards your own children in any way.There is no excuse to be abusive towards children or anyone.Abuse can scar someone for life and the scars from the abuse can take a long time to heal.These scars that I have are what caused me to have these problems,both emotional and mental.I crave healing and affirmation,but haven't been able to get these things.I am still seeking ways that I can get away from these problems and seek solutions,but also haven't succeeded.I am still yearning and hoping to find the right counseling and right affirming stuff so I can finally heal and get more out of my life,but again,I have not been able to find them.
I even checked for Christian counselors,but none of them are in my home area.I feel lost as a result of this,but I will keep checking and searching.I am hoping that one day I will finally get what I need to put me on the path to reclaiming my true identity and get the affirmations that I need to reclaim it.
I still need prayerful support.I also still need encouraging comments and spiritual upbuilding in the comments section.I just want to stop this fantasizing and lusting that I have been giving in to as of late as these things are unhealthy and don't give the right feeling or affirming that I need as it only feeds the immoral tendencies that go along with the fantasizing and lusting as lust is something that the Holy Bible,and it's author,our Heavenly Father,condemns.Please continue praying for me.Please continue to leave me some encouraging words and spiritual upbuilding in the comments section.Thanks for your continued support.Thanks also to both my Heavenly Father and his son Jesus Christ.
Tomorrow is a work day and I hope that all goes well.FJ