Tonight,my rocky road to recovery continues moving onward.
I had a very hectic work day today.It was one thing after another with not only the clients of the facility,but also,a few particular staff members as well.I had to drop one thing to accommodate and work faster than ever to get the job done within the specific time that I had to do it.After it was over,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I changed into pajama pants and I ate my meal.I also did a little bit of work on the outside and did some cleaning work on the inside.I relaxed and did my personal PC work.I was glad when the work day ended as it was a very hectic day.I was also glad to be home so I could relax and take it easy.I later retired for the evening and again,a very hectic day overall.
As I reported last night,this SSA struggle seems to be getting worse for me instead of better.I still feel like I'm stuck in the middle of the road between Homosexuality and Heterosexuality.I have given into terrible temptation after terrible temptation.Every time I give into these things,I also feel lousy and terrible afterwards.I just can't seem to break free from this vicious cycle or trap that I'm in.Sexual images of men in general cloud my mind and it gets worse and worse.I try to shake loose,but can't seem to do so.
What is wrong with me?
What am I doing wrong?
What can I do to stop this vicious cycle or trap?
Last night,I shared about the intense anger that I feel with my father.I feel it for all the physical and emotional abuse he did to me during the time I was between the ages of 8-9 years of age.He never let me express myself and when I tried to do so,I was punished by him thinking that it was the demons talking through me and he would also hold me down until he felt the evil spirits were out of me.I was also punished when I got sick constantly.My father also deprived me of things that I loved and enjoyed because he felt that those things were of Satan and his evil demons and said that he didn't want them in his house,which he tried to make into "The perfect little Christian home" free of all worldly influences,but it only added to my emotional problems and issues instead of being anything beneficial.I was an emotional wreck and I still haven't been able to overcome the negative effects of it all as nobody ever pointed me in the right direction of wanting to overcome these things.
Aside from my father,I also feel intense anger towards my paternal grandmother,who was my father's mother.Though she has been dead for over a decade,I am still feeling the anger that I have for her.She never acknowledged me after the death of my paternal grandfather,who died when I was six years old and was more like a father to me at that time than my own father was in my lifetime.She acknowledged her other grandchildren,but not me or my older siblings.To her,I simply didn't exist.She refused to even recognize me as her grandson.This really hurt me and at times,made me sad where I felt like crying,but held back all of the tears.Though she is dead,I still feel the anger,sadness and hurt that she caused by her refusal to acknowledge me as her grandson.She also didn't talk very nicely to me either when I did talk with her during her lifetime on a few occasions.She just didn't want to talk to me unless she was forced to by someone else within the family.
I also want to share something in regards to this SSA struggle that I have.This particular struggle made me realize that I had perversions that I never thought I had nor would even think of having.I won't mention what these perversions are as I don't want to trigger anything in anyone.
Why?
Because these perversions are terrible,degrading and inappropriate.I don't want to scare anyone away from me either,so I won't mention them nor will I talk about them and again,I don't want to trigger any negative effects in anyone reading this.Please don't ask me to describe nor talk about these perversions.I am hoping that they will fade when I find what I have to do right just so I can feel stronger and not be giving into them constantly.
I feel so ashamed that I have these perversions.I don't want to have them anymore nor even feel them.
I am hoping that I can find what I need to get rid of these things and start towards what I need to heal and finally get control of this terrible SSA struggle and again,move on and finally feel the real healing that I need.
If anyone can help,please do so.I still need to be assured and reassured that I'm not alone in this struggle,although I feel that I'm alone in this struggle at times.
Please continue praying for me.Please continue to share some verbal encouragement and spiritual upbuilding in the comments sections as I need all of these things to keep going.Thanks to all of you and Thanks to both my Heavenly Father and his son Jesus Christ.
Tomorrow is a work day in the morning and in the afternoon,I have to see my therapist.I am hoping that both of these things go well with me.Thanks again to all of you and to my Heavenly Father and his son Jesus Christ.FJ