Tonight,I am still on that rocky road to recovery,but I am remaining hopeful.I had a pretty good day today.
Today,I woke up in the early morning and I bathed.After my bath,I got dressed into my jeans and had my usual breakfast and coffee.After breakfast,I finished my dressing and I headed over to the monthly Men's Network meeting that I attend every month and I was going there with lots of enthusiasm and positive anticipation.
The meeting was wonderful.After it was over,I headed for home.
On the way home,I stopped at the local Super Wal-Mart to pick up a couple of things that my mom needed.After paying for those items,I headed over to the bank to withdraw some money for myself.After that,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I immediately did my personal PC work and after that was done,I headed back out again to do a little bit more before calling it a day.
I had only more thing to do.I went to a local supermarket to pick up something that I needed.After paying for that,I headed straight home and was there for the rest of the day.
When I got home,I relaxed and popped a DVD into the DVD player to watch.
After eating,I watched the evening news for a while and I did some more personal PC work and also did some recommended Holy Bible reading.Overall,a pretty good day.
My rocky road to recovery continues to move forward.I haven't really improved very much as of yet,but again,it isn't easy when one has BPD.I have to continually put up with the emotional roller coaster ride that I am usually on as that is what I have when struggling with BPD and it's symptoms.On certain days,I am up and good and on other days,I am down and feeling bad.I just don't know what to expect nor do I know what my mood will be like from one day to the next.Aside from BPD,I also have to struggle and endure the schizophrenic tendencies that I have alongside the BPD,which doesn't make it any easier.It also doesn't make my struggles with SSA any easier either.It makes those struggles also very difficult.I am still attending my therapy sessions and I am also taking my medication as directed.I am hoping that someday soon that my recovery will start improving.
Regarding my SSA struggles,I was again tempted to act out by masturbating when I was awakened by an erection in the wee early morning hours.This also was another throbbing erection as well.I really had the temptation to masturbate this erection away.Whenever I got an erection in the past,masturbation was the only way that I would have gotten rid of it.But now,since I have learned the truth about Homosexuality and the healing process from it alongside the change process,my priorities have changed as I want to do what is right in the eyes of God.Masturbation is simply an unclean and impure habit where a person's sexuality owns them rather than they owning it.It is also a form of acting out when one struggles with the Homosexual condition and the desires alongside this as more Homosexual men masturbate than Heterosexual men do.For Homosexual men,masturbation is like an assertion and for them,a way to connect with their lost maleness.The thing is that masturbation will never connect me with my lost maleness nor will it give me the affirmation of my gender identity and the feelings of authenticity that go with that affirmation.Masturbation will only reinforce the Homosexual identity,which is what I am trying to distance myself from and also trying to escape from and disown.I know that I wasn't born this way and I also know that God never intended me to be Homosexual.I want to be the man that God intended me to be and the man that I was meant to be.I still get the temptation to go out and seek male partners for the purpose of acting out sexually with them,but I don't do that because that also won't give me what I truly need,which is the aforementioned affirmation of my gender identity and the feelings of authenticity that go with that affirmation.I know that I will be tempted again to act out by masturbating and I want to stop that.Though I have received some advice and I am also putting that into practice,I am still open to any more suggestions or advice as to what has worked for you.Thanks in advance.
Tomorrow,I have church as usual and the morning's Holy Bible study class an hour and a half before the worship service.I also have plans to do my laundry in the afternoon.
That was my day today and my hopes and plans for the day ahead.FJ

Tonight,my road to recovery continues to move forward,but the road is still a rocky one.I had a pretty good day.
Today,I woke up in the early morning and I bathed.After my bath,I had my breakfast and coffee and after that,I did my personal PC work.I also got dressed as I had quite a lot planned today.
The very first thing that I did was that I went to the post office to mail out some stuff that needed to be mailed out.After that,I headed over to the bank to withdraw some money for my mom and myself.After that was done,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I immediately registered all the bills that I had and right after that,I headed back out as I was going to get my hair done.I really needed a haircut and I wanted to get it done today.
When I got to the hair place,I waited for a while and after my hair was done,I paid and headed straight home.
When I got home,I relaxed and I watched a little bit of TV for a while.
I was hoping to meet with the pastor of the church as I have been doing since the start of Spring,but today,I got a phone call from him informing me that he had to cancel today's meeting as he had an urgent personal call that he had to attend to,but said that the we would meet again next Friday.
After eating,I watched the evening news for a while and I did some more personal PC work,alongside some recommended Holy Bible reading.Overall,a pretty good day.
My recovery continues to go forward,although the road the road is still a very rocky one.Then again,when anyone,like myself,struggles with the symptoms of BPD,it is always a difficult road to walk on.I have to put up with the emotional roller coaster ride that I am constantly on.I don't when my mood will be up and good or down and bad.It is a continuous cycle that just keeps going and going.I sometimes wish that it would stop once in a while so I can start feeling good again.If putting up with BPD wasn't bad enough,I also have to put up with the schizophrenic tendencies that I have alongside the BPD and that also doesn't make it any easier.It also doesn't make my SSA struggles any easier either.Not only that,I am also trying to break free from the grip of anger.I have been constantly saying angry things to myself pretending that there are people there when there is nobody there.I have anger towards certain people who are family and who are not family.I want to break free from this and get more out of my life and enjoy it.If anyone has any advice or suggestions for this,please share.I am open to anything as I really do want to break free from this grip that anger has on me.Thanks for anything shared in regards to anger.As far as BPD and the schizophrenic tendencies,the only things that I can do is continue my therapy sessions and to continue taking my medication as directed.I just hope that my recovery will start improving soon.
Regarding my SSA struggles,I gave into temptation in the wee early morning hours when I masturbated an erection away.It was another throbbing kind of erection and this time,I just grabbed my genitals and masturbated until I ejaculated.I really felt miserable as I felt that I failed myself and God by doing that.I really don't know why I masturbated this morning.I didn't want to,but I did.I guess that it is all the anger that I have in me that I want to break free from,but somehow I have been failing to do that.It just keeps coming back.Again,I really felt miserable after giving into the temptation to act out by masturbating.I am so desperate to connect with my true maleness that it's insane.I never got my true maleness as I never received anything like that from my father nor did I even receive it from any of my fellow man as I have been rejected by many of my fellow men over the course of my life.I am also desperate to break free from this dreaded Homosexual identity.I don't want to be a Homosexual anymore.I want to be the man that God wants me to be and what he intended me to be.I really need to connect with other guys in a healthy authentic way.I also want to stop this unclean and impure masturbation habit as it really has a hold on me.I want to stop doing this.I also want to stop these unnatural attractions to members of my own gender.Each and every day,I am always tempted to go out and seek male partners to act out sexually with.I don't do that as it will never give me what I want,which is affirmation of my gender identity and the feelings of authenticity that go with that affirmation.I still have to keep in mind that acting out on these unnatural sexual desires will only reinforce the Homosexual identity and keep me as far away from my true maleness as it will only leave me feeling empty and wanting more.I have tried a lot of things to try to help me resist that temptation,but it isn't working.I have been reading a lot during the day as I have been advised to do by a fellow follower,but I am still being tempted.Most of the time,the temptation happens in the wee early morning hours as far as masturbation goes.Throughout the day,I do get tempted to seek out a male partner to act out with,but I don't give into that as I know that it will never give me what I truly want and seek.Plus,whenever those old anger issues come back and I start saying angry things to myself as a result of them,the feelings and the temptation return to trouble.I know that we all will get tempted and that temptation is a part of living,but I do want to keep working to resist any sort of temptation.Again,if anyone has any suggestions or advice or want to share what has worked for them,please share.I am open to anything.Thanks.
As for the weekend,I have a Men's Network meeting that I need to attend and I also have church on Sunday.Also,I have plans to do my laundry on Sunday afternoon as well.
That was my day today and my hopes and plans for the weekend ahead.FJ

Tonight,my road to recovery continues to go forward,though it is still a rocky one.I had a pretty good day today.
Today,I woke up in the early morning and I bathed.After my bath,I had breakfast and coffee and afterwards,I did my personal PC work.I got dressed after that was done and proceeded to get on with the rest of the day.
I had a spirituality group that I needed to attend.I was looking forward to this with a lot of positive anticipation and enthusiasm.I headed over to the group with high hopes.
The group went great.After it was over,I headed over to a local kitchen for some lunch.After lunch,I headed for home.
On the way home,I stopped at the bank to withdraw some money for my mom and also for myself.After that was done,I headed over to the nearby card shop to pick up a few cards.After paying for those,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I relaxed and took it easy for a while.
After eating,I watched the evening news for a while and I did some more personal PC work and some required Holy Bible reading.Overall,a pretty good day.
My recovery continues onward,but it is still a very rocky road.When you are someone who struggles with bipolar depression(as BPD for subsequent posts),the struggle is never easy.I have to continually put up with the emotional roller coaster ride that I am always on.I never know when I will be up or down.It is always unpredictable.Aside from that,I also have to put up with the schizophrenic tendencies that I have alongside,which makes this even more difficult.I will still continue my therapy sessions and I will continue to take my medication as directed.I am also going to continue hanging onto the hope that someday soon,my recovery will start improving.
Regarding my SSA struggles,I was again awakened by yet another morning erection in the wee early morning hours.It was also another throbbing one.I was tempted to masturbate the erection away when this happened.But again,I fought the temptation.I started to get up and the minute that I did,the erection died down slowly and I laid back down to go back to sleep.Though I escaped this episode,I know that the temptation to act out on my desires can rear it's ugly head when least expected.Most of the time,I usually get tempted to masturbate whenever a morning erection happens and at times,other immoral thought can go through my head.I also get tempted to manipulate my genitals for the purpose of getting them erect or near erect to masturbate as well.There are also other instances when I am tempted to go out and seek male partners for the purpose of acting out with them in a sexual manner.But instead,I choose to fight these rather than give into them.I know that acting out on my desires in any way will never give me what I want,which is affirmation of my gender identity and the feelings of authenticity that go with that affirmation.Acting out in any way,shape or form will only reinforce the Homosexual identity,which is the identity that I am trying to abandon and remove myself from as God never intended for men to have sexual relations or activity with each other.God intended man to be Heterosexual as he created man and woman for that reason.God approves of Heterosexuality and that is all.No questions asked.No if's,and's or but's.Again,though I did get some good advice from a follower and I am putting it into practice,I am still open to any more advice or suggestions from anyone else.Thanks in advance for sharing.
Tomorrow,I have an appointment with the pastor and I am hoping that it will go well.Earlier in the day,I have to go to the bank and withdraw some money for my mom.As for anything else,no plans as of yet.But I hope that whatever I choose to do gives me positive benefits.
That was my day today and my hopes and plans for the day ahead.FJ

Tonight,my road to recovery continues,though still rocky.I had a pretty good day today.
Today,I woke up in the early morning and I bathed.After my bath,I had my usual quick breakfast and my usual 2 cups of coffee.After breakfast,I did my personal PC work and I got dressed.I proceeded to get on with the rest of my day.
I really didn't have too much to do today.I only had a little bit to take care of.I headed over to the local K-Mart to pick up a few things that I needed.After paying for those items,I headed over to the local Wal-Mart to pick up some much needed stuff.After paying for those items,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I put everything away in their proper places and I relaxed for a while.
After eating,I watched the evening news for a while and I also did some more personal PC work followed by some required Holy Bible reading.Overall,a pretty good day.
My recovery continues to go forward and it is a rocky road at that.Then again,it's not easy dealing and struggling with the symptoms of bipolar depression(BPD).I have to continually put up with the emotional roller coaster ride that goes with the territory of having BPD.I don't know if my mood will be up or if it will be down.It is always a constant struggle to stay afloat and the mood swings never make it any easier.I also have to put up with the schizophrenic tendencies that I also have alongside the BPD.I have to always put up with hearing things that nobody else hears,such as footsteps,voices calling my name or saying something else and other things connected with that.The only things that I can do is to continue my therapy sessions and continue taking my medication as directed.I am still remaining hopeful that my recovery will start improving soon.
Regarding my SSA struggles,these haven't been any easier either.In the wee early morning hours,I was again awakened by another erection that was also another throbbing one.I was tempted to masturbate it away like you wouldn't believe.Like most of the last ones that I had,tossing and turning wasn't working.So,I got up to walk for about a minute and the erection died down.I also had to go to the bathroom and after finishing,I laid back down.Still,I also had the temptation to manipulate my genitals for the purpose of getting them erect or near erect for the purpose of masturbation and I did give into that,but I stopped when I realized what I was doing.It is just that I have so much energy that I should be using,but I really don't know how to use it.I know that there will be many people who will tell me to try exercising,but I have a bad bone spur in my right foot and that limits my physical abilities as when I try to walk long miles,the pain just gets worse.I also,at the moment,can't afford to join a gym or any fitness clubs.I would like to try that,but because of that one physical thing wrong with me,I can't do much.I would like to get those expensive supplements that I can buy online,but they are very expensive.I will just have to hang in there and wait until I can afford them.In the meantime,I will just have to keep on fighting and keep working on my strength to resist the temptation to masturbate when it comes either way.I also have to keep fighting the temptation to act out in other ways aside from seeking male partners out to act out with,such as the aforementioned masturbation,fantasies,porn and all other sorts of psychological acting out.Though I have received one bot of advice from a follower and though I am putting it into practice,I am still open to any other suggestions or advice.If anyone else who follows or just happens to find this blog and read the posts,please share what has worked for you.Thanks in advance.
Tomorrow,I have a spirituality group that I must attend.After that,I have no other plans.But whatever I choose to do,I hope that it gives me positive benefits.
That was my day today and my hopes and plans for the day ahead.FJ

Tonight,my road to recovery continues,though still rocky.I had a pretty good day today.
Today,I woke up in the mid morning and I bathed.After my bath,I had my usual quick breakfast and my usual 2 cups of coffee.After breakfast,I did my personal PC work and after that was done,I got dressed to proceed with the rest of my day.
I had only one small thing on my agenda today.I had to go to the drug store to pick up my prescription that I so desperately needed.After paying the copay on the medication,I headed for home.
On the way home,I made a stop at a local supermarket to pick up something that was needed for dinner.After paying for that,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I relaxed and watched TV for a while.
After eating,I watched the evening news for a while and I did some more personal PC work.Overall,a pretty good day.
My recovery continues to go forward,but it continues to be a very rocky road.My struggles with the symptoms of bipolar depression are really difficult.I have to put up with the emotional roller coaster ride that comes with the territory of having bipolar depression.On some days,I am up and feeling good while on other days,I am down and feeling bad.It is simply never ending.Aside from that,I have to put up with the schizophrenic tendencies that I have alongside the bipolar depression.The only things that I can continue to do is to continue my therapy sessions and to continue taking my medication as directed.I am still holding onto the hope that my recovery will start improving soon.
Regarding my SSA struggles,I was again tempted to masturbate in the wee early morning hours when I was awakened by an erection that was also another throbbing one.This was another really hard one as tossing and turning wasn't working.I had to get up and walk it away by heading for the bathroom to use it.The erection died down and I went back to sleep after using the bathroom.Though I escaped this episode,I still have to stay on guard and be watchful as the temptation to act out by masturbating or other ways aside from seeking male partners out for the purpose of acting out can rear it's ugly head when least expected.Don't get me wrong,I still get the temptations to seek out a male partner to act out with,but I simply choose not to feed that temptation by doing so.I have to keep in mind that the sexual desires for men represent and even deeper need to be around my fellow men in a healthy and authentic way.It shows that I do need deeper acceptance by other men in a healthy and authentic way as well as accepting my own intrinsic maleness as well as the intrinsic maleness of others in that very same way.I also have to continuously keep in mind that acting out on my desires in any way,shape or form will never give me what I want or deeply need,which is affirmation of my gender identity and the feelings of authenticity that go with that affirmation.Acting out on my desires,no matter what way it is,will only reinforce the Homosexual identity,which is the identity that I am trying to overcome and disown and whose sinful sexual activity I am trying to resist and disassociate from as that is not what I want to do.I want to be the man that God intended me to be and feel like A MAN among men.Though I have received a suggestion from a follower and I am putting it into practice,I am still open to any advice,ideas or suggestions as to how I can continue to stay strong and resistant to the temptation to act out in any way,shape or form.Thanks in advance for anything offered.
As for tomorrow,I have made no plans.But whatever I do,I hope that it gives me positive benefits.
That was my day today and my hopes for the day ahead.FJ

Tonight,my road to recovery continues onward,though still,it is a rocky road at that.I had a pretty good day today.
Today,I woke up in the early morning and I bathed.After my bath,I had my usual quick breakfast and my usual 2 cups of coffee.After breakfast,I did my personal PC work and got dressed to proceed with the rest of my day as I had a few things planned.
I first went to my recovery group over at the place where the groups are held.I was looking forward to this group with a lot of positive anticipation and enthusiasm.
The group went well.After it was over,I headed for home.
On the way home,I stopped at a local supermarket to pick up a few things.After paying for those items,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I put the groceries away and I relaxed for a short time as I had another appointment today.
I had to see my sexual abuse support counselor today.I was also looking forward to this session with her as I always do.I had a lot to talk with her about and I wanted to make sure that I was on time today.
The session also went well.After it was over,I headed for home.
On the way home,I stopped at another local supermarket to pick up one last thing.After paying for that,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I relaxed and watched a little bit of TV.
After eating,I watched the evening news for a while and I did some more personal PC work.Overall,a pretty good day.
My recovery continues to go forward,though it still a rocky road.I am still dealing and struggling with the symptoms of bipolar depression(BPD).I have to contend with the emotional roller coaster ride that I am always on day in and day out.It is always a difficult thing to deal with.Aside from that,I also have to deal with the schizophrenic tendencies that I have alongside the BPD.It also doesn't make my struggles with SSA any easier either.The only things that I can continue to do is to continue attending my therapy sessions and to continue taking my medication as directed.I am hoping that my recovery will start improving as I am getting a little impatient awaiting and improvement.
Regarding my SSA struggles,I gave into temptation late last night when I masturbated.Yes,I did fall and I did feel miserable as a result of it.I was again tempted to masturbate in the wee early morning hours twice when I was awakened by morning erections at two separate intervals.At both those times,tossing and turning didn't work anymore like it used to.I had to get up both of those times and walk to the bathroom and at both those instances,the erections died down.I simply went back to sleep at both times and later,I had to get up to bathe and get ready for the day.I did fall late last night and though it made me feel miserable,I am moving on.Though I did escape the two wee early morning instances,I still have to keep in mind that the temptation to act out in other ways aside from seeking out male partners to act out with can rear it's ugly head when least expected.I have to stay on guard and be watchful.I also have to continue working on staying strong to resist any temptation to act out.Masturbation will never connect me with my lost maleness nor will it make me anymore a man than the next guy.Masturbation will only reinforce the Homosexual identity,which I am trying to overcome and abandon.I still don't want to be a Homosexual.I want to be A MAN and the man that God intended me to be.I don't want to masturbate nor do I want to act out on any of these unnatural sexual desires anymore.I want my true identity to be reinforced,which is male.I am a male and a man.I want to be the man that God wants me to be and intended me to be.I know that God never intended me to be a Homosexual because God,though he doesn't condemn the condition,condemns the sexual activity between two members of the same gender as the Holy Bible says that it is unnatural,inappropriate and just plain wrong.If anyone out there can help me with any advice or suggestions,please do so.I have received one idea from a follower,but I am open to anything else in the form of advice.Thanks to anyone who shares.
As for tomorrow,I have made no plans.But whatever I do,I hope that it gives me positive benefits.
That was my day today and my hopes for the day ahead.FJ

Tonight,my road to recovery continues,though it is still a rocky road.I had a very good and eventful day today.
Today,I woke up in the early morning and I bathed quickly.After my bath,I had my usual quick breakfast and I had 3 cups of coffee.After breakfast,I got dressed up really quickly and I headed over to the church for the Holy Bible study class and the morning worship service afterwards.
Both the class and the service were wonderful.I did get quite a lot out of both of them.After some fellowship,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I got out of my suit and I put on a pair of sweatpants.After hanging mu suit and dress shirt up,I had a quick lunch and I did my personal PC work.After that was done,I decided to relax and take it easy for a while.I also popped a DVD in the DVD player while doing so.I had really nothing else to do.
After eating,I watched the evening news for a while and I also did some more personal PC work.Overall,a very good and eventful day.
My road to recovery,though it is still a rocky one,continues without interruption.It is still a very difficult one because I do struggle with bipolar depression.I have to put up with my mood continually going up one day and down the next.I really don't know how my mood will be at times because it is a very unpredictable thing as regards to bipolar depression.I don't know if I will be up and feeling good or down and feeling sad.Not only that,I not only have to deal and struggle with bipolar depression,but I also have to deal with the schizophrenic tendencies that I have alongside it,which makes it even more difficult.The only things that I can continue to do is to continue my therapy sessions and to continue taking my medication as directed.I am hoping that my recovery will start to improve soon.
Regarding my SSA struggles,I was again tempted to masturbate in the wee early morning hours when I was awakened by a morning erection.It was also another throbbing one at that.Usually,tossing and turning works for me,but this time,I tossed and I turned very aggressively.But the erection wouldn't die down.This time,I had to get up and use the bathroom again and while walking there,the erection died down.After that bathroom,I went back to sleep.Though I escaped this episode,I still have to stay on guard and be watchful as the temptation to act out on my desires can rear it's ugly head when least expected.I also have to try to continue to stay strong and continue to fight to resist any temptation to act out in other ways aside from seeking a male partner out to act out with.It isn't easy fighting to resist the temptation,but I have to give it all I've got.While I did get a suggestion from a follower and I am using it,I am still open to any other suggestions or advice.Thanks in advance for any of that provided.
Tomorrow,I have a group that I need to attend.Aside from that,I have no other plans.But whatever I do,I hope that it gives me positive benefits.
That was my day today and my hopes and plans for the day ahead.FJ