Tonight,I am still on that rocky road to recovery,but I am remaining hopeful.I had a pretty good day today.
Today,I woke up in the early morning and I bathed.After my bath,I got dressed into my jeans and had my usual breakfast and coffee.After breakfast,I finished my dressing and I headed over to the monthly Men's Network meeting that I attend every month and I was going there with lots of enthusiasm and positive anticipation.
The meeting was wonderful.After it was over,I headed for home.
On the way home,I stopped at the local Super Wal-Mart to pick up a couple of things that my mom needed.After paying for those items,I headed over to the bank to withdraw some money for myself.After that,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I immediately did my personal PC work and after that was done,I headed back out again to do a little bit more before calling it a day.
I had only more thing to do.I went to a local supermarket to pick up something that I needed.After paying for that,I headed straight home and was there for the rest of the day.
When I got home,I relaxed and popped a DVD into the DVD player to watch.
After eating,I watched the evening news for a while and I did some more personal PC work and also did some recommended Holy Bible reading.Overall,a pretty good day.
My rocky road to recovery continues to move forward.I haven't really improved very much as of yet,but again,it isn't easy when one has BPD.I have to continually put up with the emotional roller coaster ride that I am usually on as that is what I have when struggling with BPD and it's symptoms.On certain days,I am up and good and on other days,I am down and feeling bad.I just don't know what to expect nor do I know what my mood will be like from one day to the next.Aside from BPD,I also have to struggle and endure the schizophrenic tendencies that I have alongside the BPD,which doesn't make it any easier.It also doesn't make my struggles with SSA any easier either.It makes those struggles also very difficult.I am still attending my therapy sessions and I am also taking my medication as directed.I am hoping that someday soon that my recovery will start improving.
Regarding my SSA struggles,I was again tempted to act out by masturbating when I was awakened by an erection in the wee early morning hours.This also was another throbbing erection as well.I really had the temptation to masturbate this erection away.Whenever I got an erection in the past,masturbation was the only way that I would have gotten rid of it.But now,since I have learned the truth about Homosexuality and the healing process from it alongside the change process,my priorities have changed as I want to do what is right in the eyes of God.Masturbation is simply an unclean and impure habit where a person's sexuality owns them rather than they owning it.It is also a form of acting out when one struggles with the Homosexual condition and the desires alongside this as more Homosexual men masturbate than Heterosexual men do.For Homosexual men,masturbation is like an assertion and for them,a way to connect with their lost maleness.The thing is that masturbation will never connect me with my lost maleness nor will it give me the affirmation of my gender identity and the feelings of authenticity that go with that affirmation.Masturbation will only reinforce the Homosexual identity,which is what I am trying to distance myself from and also trying to escape from and disown.I know that I wasn't born this way and I also know that God never intended me to be Homosexual.I want to be the man that God intended me to be and the man that I was meant to be.I still get the temptation to go out and seek male partners for the purpose of acting out sexually with them,but I don't do that because that also won't give me what I truly need,which is the aforementioned affirmation of my gender identity and the feelings of authenticity that go with that affirmation.I know that I will be tempted again to act out by masturbating and I want to stop that.Though I have received some advice and I am also putting that into practice,I am still open to any more suggestions or advice as to what has worked for you.Thanks in advance.
Tomorrow,I have church as usual and the morning's Holy Bible study class an hour and a half before the worship service.I also have plans to do my laundry in the afternoon.
That was my day today and my hopes and plans for the day ahead.FJ