Tonight,my road to recovery continues to move forward,but the road is still a rocky one.I had a pretty good day.
Today,I woke up in the early morning and I bathed.After my bath,I had my breakfast and coffee and after that,I did my personal PC work.I also got dressed as I had quite a lot planned today.
The very first thing that I did was that I went to the post office to mail out some stuff that needed to be mailed out.After that,I headed over to the bank to withdraw some money for my mom and myself.After that was done,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I immediately registered all the bills that I had and right after that,I headed back out as I was going to get my hair done.I really needed a haircut and I wanted to get it done today.
When I got to the hair place,I waited for a while and after my hair was done,I paid and headed straight home.
When I got home,I relaxed and I watched a little bit of TV for a while.
I was hoping to meet with the pastor of the church as I have been doing since the start of Spring,but today,I got a phone call from him informing me that he had to cancel today's meeting as he had an urgent personal call that he had to attend to,but said that the we would meet again next Friday.
After eating,I watched the evening news for a while and I did some more personal PC work,alongside some recommended Holy Bible reading.Overall,a pretty good day.
My recovery continues to go forward,although the road the road is still a very rocky one.Then again,when anyone,like myself,struggles with the symptoms of BPD,it is always a difficult road to walk on.I have to put up with the emotional roller coaster ride that I am constantly on.I don't when my mood will be up and good or down and bad.It is a continuous cycle that just keeps going and going.I sometimes wish that it would stop once in a while so I can start feeling good again.If putting up with BPD wasn't bad enough,I also have to put up with the schizophrenic tendencies that I have alongside the BPD and that also doesn't make it any easier.It also doesn't make my SSA struggles any easier either.Not only that,I am also trying to break free from the grip of anger.I have been constantly saying angry things to myself pretending that there are people there when there is nobody there.I have anger towards certain people who are family and who are not family.I want to break free from this and get more out of my life and enjoy it.If anyone has any advice or suggestions for this,please share.I am open to anything as I really do want to break free from this grip that anger has on me.Thanks for anything shared in regards to anger.As far as BPD and the schizophrenic tendencies,the only things that I can do is continue my therapy sessions and to continue taking my medication as directed.I just hope that my recovery will start improving soon.
Regarding my SSA struggles,I gave into temptation in the wee early morning hours when I masturbated an erection away.It was another throbbing kind of erection and this time,I just grabbed my genitals and masturbated until I ejaculated.I really felt miserable as I felt that I failed myself and God by doing that.I really don't know why I masturbated this morning.I didn't want to,but I did.I guess that it is all the anger that I have in me that I want to break free from,but somehow I have been failing to do that.It just keeps coming back.Again,I really felt miserable after giving into the temptation to act out by masturbating.I am so desperate to connect with my true maleness that it's insane.I never got my true maleness as I never received anything like that from my father nor did I even receive it from any of my fellow man as I have been rejected by many of my fellow men over the course of my life.I am also desperate to break free from this dreaded Homosexual identity.I don't want to be a Homosexual anymore.I want to be the man that God wants me to be and what he intended me to be.I really need to connect with other guys in a healthy authentic way.I also want to stop this unclean and impure masturbation habit as it really has a hold on me.I want to stop doing this.I also want to stop these unnatural attractions to members of my own gender.Each and every day,I am always tempted to go out and seek male partners to act out sexually with.I don't do that as it will never give me what I want,which is affirmation of my gender identity and the feelings of authenticity that go with that affirmation.I still have to keep in mind that acting out on these unnatural sexual desires will only reinforce the Homosexual identity and keep me as far away from my true maleness as it will only leave me feeling empty and wanting more.I have tried a lot of things to try to help me resist that temptation,but it isn't working.I have been reading a lot during the day as I have been advised to do by a fellow follower,but I am still being tempted.Most of the time,the temptation happens in the wee early morning hours as far as masturbation goes.Throughout the day,I do get tempted to seek out a male partner to act out with,but I don't give into that as I know that it will never give me what I truly want and seek.Plus,whenever those old anger issues come back and I start saying angry things to myself as a result of them,the feelings and the temptation return to trouble.I know that we all will get tempted and that temptation is a part of living,but I do want to keep working to resist any sort of temptation.Again,if anyone has any suggestions or advice or want to share what has worked for them,please share.I am open to anything.Thanks.
As for the weekend,I have a Men's Network meeting that I need to attend and I also have church on Sunday.Also,I have plans to do my laundry on Sunday afternoon as well.
That was my day today and my hopes and plans for the weekend ahead.FJ