Tonight,my road to recovery continues onward,despite the road being rough.I had a pretty good day today.
Today,I woke up in the early morning and I bathed.After my bath,I had my usual quick breakfast and my usual 2 cups of coffee.After breakfast,I did my personal PC work and I got dressed.I proceeded to get on with the rest of my day.
I didn't have too much to do.I simply went to a local supermarket to pick up a couple of things that my mom wanted me to get.After paying for those items,I headed to a local convenience store to pick up a couple more things.After paying for those items,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I put all the stuff away and I relaxed and took it easy for a while.I also did some recommended Holy Bible reading.
After eating,I watched the evening news for a while and I did some more personal PC work.I also popped a DVD in the DVD player and I relaxed while watching it.Overall,a pretty good day.
While my road to recovery continues to go onward,the road is still a rough and rocky one at that.I still have to put up with the emotional roller coaster ride that goes with the territory of having BPD.I really don't know how my mood will be day after day.I sometimes wish that I didn't have to struggle with this thing.I wish that I could feel good almost every day rather than feel good one day and/or feel bad the next.Aside from BPD,I also have to put up with the schizophrenic tendencies that I have as well and that makes it even more difficult.It is just terrible that I have to put up with two things regarding my mentality and emotional makeup all at once.I will still continue my therapy sessions and I will continue taking my medication as directed.I just hope that one of these days,I will start feeling good one day and it will continue for a while.
Regarding my SSA struggles,I was again tempted to masturbate in the wee early morning hours when I was awakened by another morning erection.This was also another throbbing one.The temptation to masturbate that erection away was really overwhelming.I had to really fight this overwhelming urge.I tried to toss and turn,but it was not working.I then discovered that I had to use the bathroom,so I got up to use the bathroom and as I walked there,the erection died down and after using the bathroom,I went back to sleep.Though I escaped this episode,I still have to keep in mind that the temptation to act out in any way,shape or form,can rear it's ugly head when least expected.I also have to keep in mind that acting out sexually on these unnatural desires will never give me what I truly need and want.I am looking for and craving affirmation of my gender identity and the feelings of authenticity that go with that affirmation.Acting out,no matter what form it is,will only reinforce the Homosexual identity and give me what I truly need and want.I am trying to escape and distance myself from the Homosexual identity and not reinforce it.Day after day,I still get tempted to go out and seek male partners for the purpose of acting out sexually with them,but I don't satisfy nor feed that temptation.I simply and willfully choose stay home when that sort of temptation comes around.I don't nothing sexual with any man nor men.I want to be a part of the group of men as I am a man myself.God never intended sexuality to be the way that the world has it and I know that the way the world has it is simply wrong,inappropriate and just plain unnatural and immoral.I want to do teh right thing,but these unnatural desires that I have want me to do the opposite,which is sin and simply enjoy living in sin,but I won't do that.Again,though I did receive some good advice and I am applying it,I am still open to anything idea and suggestion wise as to what has worked for you,how it has worked for you and why it worked.Thanks in advance for any answers.
Tomorrow morning,it is church as usual and the morning Holy Bible study class an hour and a half before the worship service.Aside from that,I have no other plans.But whatever I choose to do,I hope that it gives me positive benefits.
That was my day today and my hopes and plans for the day ahead.FJ

Tonight,my road to recovery continues onward,but it is still a very rough one.I had a pretty good day today.
Today,I woke up in the mid morning and I bathed.After my bath,I had my usual quick breakfast and my usual 2 cups of coffee.After that,I did my personal PC work and I got dressed to proceed with the rest of my day.
Today,I had only a few things planned.I also wanted to make sure that I did get them done.I first went to the local laundromat,which is also a place where they dry clean and fix things like zippers in coats and pants,and dropped off a pair of suit pants to replace the zipper.After doing that,I headed over to the local K-Mart to pick up a couple of things that I had forgotten yesterday.After paying for those things,I headed over to a local supermarket to pick up a couple of things that were needed.After that,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I relaxed and decided to get ready for my appointment with the pastor of the church.During that time,I also did some recommended Holy Bible reading.These meetings have been going great and I have been getting a lot out of these.When the time came,I headed over to the church to talk with him.
The meeting with the pastor was wonderful.After that,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I relaxed and took it easy for a while.
After eating,I watched the evening news for a while and I did some more personal PC work.Overall,a pretty good day.
My road to recovery moves on,though the road is still a rough and rocky one.As I have shared before,I do have BPD.It is a very difficult thing to deal with.I have to put up with the continual emotional roller coaster ride that I am always on.On certain days,I can be up and feeling good while on other days,down and feeling not so good.Aside from that,I also have to put up with the schizophrenic tendencies that I also have alongside the BPD,which makes it even more difficult.I have to put up with hearing things that nobody else hears,like footsteps,voices calling out my name and just about anything else that happens.It also doesn't make my struggles with SSA any easier.The only things that I can continue to do is continue my therapy sessions and continue to take my medication as directed.I am still holding onto the hope that one of these days,I will feel good and will feel that way for a while.
Regarding my SSA struggles,I was again tempted in the wee early morning hours twice when I was awakened be morning erections at two separate intervals in the wee early morning hours.They were both throbbing erections as well.The desire to give into that temptation was very overwhelming and I had to really had to fight this temptation.On the first one,I had to get up and walk for a bit until the erection softened.I went back to sleep after that.On the second one,I had to get up and use the bathroom and while I was heading for there,the erection softened and I went back to sleep.Though I escaped these episodes,I still have to keep in mind that the temptation to act out in any way will rear it's ugly head when least expected.I also have to keep in mind that acting out on my unnatural desires will never give me what I truly need and want,which is affirmation of my gender identity and the feelings of authenticity that go with that affirmation.I still get tempted to go out and seek male partners out for the purpose of acting out sexually with them,but I willfully choose to stay home and not satisfy nor feed that temptation,though I do admit that it isn't an easy thing do nor is it easy to struggle with when you're starving for healthy and authentic contact with other men.I want to make friends with other men,and I mean be friends with them,and not have anything sexual with them.I want to relate and identify and connect with other men in a healthy and authentic manner.I also have to keep in mind that acting out on my desires,in any way,shape or form,will only reinforce the Homosexual identity,which is the identity that I am trying to disown,escape from and distance myself from.I don't want to masturbate nor do I want to act out on these unnatural desires in any way,because that is not what God intended us humans to be and not what he intended sexuality to be.I want to do what is right in God's eyes and through his scared word,the Holy Bible,but my unnatural desires want me to do the opposite.God forbids the sexual activity between two members of the same gender as his word,the Holy Bible,says so.Though I am using the advice that a follower gave me and I am applying that advice to the best of my ability,I am still open to any more advice and/or suggestions as to what has worked for them and how they made it work for them.Thanks in advance for anything offered.
As for the weekend,with the exception of church on Sunday,I really don't have anything else planned.But whatever I do,I hope that it gives me positive benefits.
That was my day today and my hopes and plans for the weekend ahead.FJ

Tonight,my road to recovery continues,though it is still a rocky one.I had a pretty good day today.
Today,I woke up in the early morning and I bathed as usual.After my bath,I had my usual quick breakfast and my usual 2 cups of coffee.After breakfast,I did my personal PC work and I got dressed to get on with the rest of the day as I had a few things planned.
I first went to my usual Thursday morning spirituality group and I was looking forward to this with a lot of positive anticipation and enthusiasm.When the week started,I thought that I was going to have to miss this as a result of my car troubles,but since my car is back on the road,I went there and again,looking forward to it.
The group meeting was wonderful.After it was over,I headed over to a local kitchen to have lunch and after lunch,I headed over to see how a friend was doing.After a few minutes with him,I headed for home.
On the way home,I stopped at the local K-Mart to pick up a few things.After paying for those items,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I relaxed and watched TV for a while.I also did some more recommended Holy Bible reading.
After eating,I watched the evening news for a while and I did some more personal PC work.Overall,a pretty good day.
My recovery continues,but the road is still a very rough road indeed.It is the territory when one does struggle with BPD and it's symptoms.I still have to continually deal and struggle with the emotional roller coaster ride that goes with the territory of having BPD.Aside from that,I am also having to put up with the schizophrenic tendencies that I have alongside the BPD,which makes the struggle with this even more difficult.It also makes my struggles with SSA even more difficult.I am still going to continue my therapy sessions.I am also going to continue taking my medication as directed.I am hoping that one of these days,I will start feeling good for a period of time rather than be on this continuous emotional roller coaster ride.
Regarding my SSA struggles,I was again tempted in the wee early morning hours when an erection woke me up out of a deep sleep.It was also another throbbing erection.I have to repeatedly toss and turn until the erection would soften and though it took longer than usual,it did.I went back to sleep afterwards.Though I escaped this episode,I still have to continually keep in mind that the temptation to act out in many ways can rear it's ugly head when least expected.I have to work on my strength to keep up the fight against this temptation.Aside from the temptation to masturbate,I also get tempted to act out in other ways,with the most common temptation being that I get tempted on a daily basis to go out and seek out other men for the purpose of acting out sexually with them,but as stated,I don't give into that temptation.I simply stay home whenever that temptation rolls around.I also have to continually keep in mind that acting out,no matter what form it is,will never ever satisfy my need for gender identity affirmation nor will it give me the feelings of authenticity that go with that affirmation.Acting out,no matter what form it is,will only reinforce the Homosexual identity,which is the identity that I am trying to escape and distance myself from.The SSA struggle is a really difficult one indeed.I want to do the right thing as God describes in his holy word,the Holy Bible.But my unnatural sexual desires want me to do the opposite.Again,I am still open to any suggestions as what has worked for you in your fights to resist any form of temptation and I will try to put whatever you share with me to the best of my ability.Thanks in advance for sharing.
Tomorrow,I only have a meeting with the pastor of the church on my agenda.As for teh rest of the day,before and after,I haven't got anything else planned.But whatever I do,I hope that it gives me positive benefits.
That was my day today and my hopes and plans for the day ahead.FJ

Tonight,my road to recovery continues forward,though still rocky.I had a pretty good day today.
Today,I woke up in the mid morning and I bathed.After my bath,I had my usual quick breakfast and my usual 2 cups of coffee.After that,I did my personal PC work and since I had only a couple of thing planned for today,I got dressed to proceed with the rest of my day.
I first went to get some gas at a local gas station.After that,I did a little bit of grocery shopping.I had to pick up something that my mom needed.After paying for that item,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I put what I had bought away and I helped my mom set up a window fan in the kitchen window.After that was done,I relaxed and took it easy for a while.I also did some recommended Holy Bible reading.
After eating,I watched the evening news for a while and I did some more personal PC work.Overall,a pretty good day.
My road to recovery continues to go forward,but the road is still a rocky and rough one.Then again,when you are someone who struggles with the symptoms of BPD,the road will always be rocky.I have to put up with the emotional roller coaster ride that on a daily basis.I don't really know nor can I predict how my emotions are going to be.On one day,I can be up and feeling good,while on another day,I can be down and not so good.On some days,it happens on the very same day,where I am up and feeling good one minute and down and feeling not so good the next.At times,it seems unbearable.Aside from BPD,I also have to put up with the schizophrenic tendencies alongside the BPD,which makes my struggles even more difficult.It also doesn't make my struggles with SSA any easier.I am still attending my therapy sessions.I am also taking my medication as directed.I am still holding onto the hope that one day,my recovery will start improving and I will start feeling good for a while instead of this constant emotional roller coaster ride.
Regarding my SSA struggles,I was again tempted to masturbate in the wee early morning hours when I was awakened by an erection.It was also another throbbing one.I really had to fight this temptation as it was a very overwhelming one.I tried to toss and turn,but it wasn't working.I had to get up and walk to the bathroom as I had to go and use it and that is when the erection died down.After using the bathroom,I simply went to sleep.But after finally getting up and putting my bath water in,I sat down and I started to fondle myself and when I was erect,I started to masturbate,but stopped.This unclean and nasty habit has really become a very overwhelming thing for me.It has really grabbed a hold of me and it seems that it is controlling me.I want to control the habit,not have the habit control me.I also want to own my sexuality,not have my sexuality own me.Whenever the craving the masturbate occurs,it can be an overwhelming craving indeed.I don't want to masturbate any longer,but I wind up giving into the temptation to do it when it comes,sometimes.I really don't know whether I am coming or going.Not only that,aside from the temptation to masturbate,I still get tempted to go out and seek male partners for the purpose of acting out sexually with them,but I simply stay home and I don't feed nor satisfy that temptation.I have to continually keep in mind that acting out,no matter what form it is,will never give me what I truly want or need.It will only leave me feeling empty and yearning for more of anything sexual,which will lead to even more emptiness.I need to have healthy and authentic relationships with members of my own gender,which leads to affirmation of my gender identity and the feelings of authenticity that go with that affirmation.My mind can get pretty preoccupied with sexual images of men and the cravings to indulge in sinful sexual activity with them.I want and need to think of healthy,authentic and pure thoughts of men and not the opposite.I just need to be around other men in a healthy and authentic environment which can lead to affirmation,authenticity and the feeling of being able to feel like a man and I mean A MAN.Again,I am putting some advice to good use in the area of trying to resist the temptations,but I still need to have even more advice and/or suggestions as to how I can continue this resistance.Again,anything offered is appreciated.Thanks so much in advance.
Tomorrow,I have my Thursday morning spirituality group and after that,lunch at the community kitchen.Aside from that,I have no other plans.But whatever I do,I hope that it gives me positive benefits.
That was my day today and my hopes and plans for the day ahead.FJ

Tonight,my road to recovery continues,though the road is still a rough one.I had a pretty good day today.
Today,I woke up in the mid morning and I bathed.After my bath,I had my usual quick breakfast and my usual 2 cups of coffee.After breakfast,I got dressed and I proceeded to get on with the rest of my day.
Today,I went to pick up my car at the garage.It was all fixed up and all I had to do was pay the bill.My niece gave me a ride down there and before heading for the garage,I stopped at a nearby branch of my bank to deposit some money.After the deposit was made,I headed over to the garage and paid the repair bill.After that was paid,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I did my personal PC work and I got ready to do some more additional work for my mom.
I first went to the post office to mail out something important that had to be mailed out.After that was done,I headed over to the local Super Wal-Mart to pick up a couple of things.After that,I headed over to a local Dollar Tree store to pick up something else that was needed.After paying for that,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I relaxed and decided to get ready for my appointment with my sexual abuse support counselor,which I was almost afraid that I had to cancel as a result of my car troubles.But since I didn't have to,I headed over there to meet with her.
The session with her went wonderful.After it was over,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I relaxed and watched TV for a while.I also did some recommended Holy Bible reading.
After eating,I watched the evening news for a while and I did some more personal PC work.Overall,a pretty good day.
Though my road to recovery continues,despite it being a rough road,I am still struggling with the symptoms of BPD.I am still putting up with the emotional roller coaster ride that goes with the territory of having BPD.It does get monotonous and tiresome at times.I sometimes wish that I didn't have to put up with this thing and also that I can feel good for a long while rather than up and feeling good one day and down and feeling not so good the next.Aside from that,I also have to put up with the schizophrenic tendencies that I have alongside the BPD and that makes it even more difficult.It also doesn't make my struggles with SSA any easier at all.I will still continue my therapy sessions.I will also continue to take my medication as directed.I am hoping that I will start feeling good for a while in the near and distant future.
Regarding my SSA struggles,I was again tempted in the wee early morning hours twice to masturbate when I was awakened by morning erections at two separate intervals in the wee early morning hours.Both of these were also throbbing erections.At both intervals,I had to get up and walk until both of these erections died down.The first time,I had to use the bathroom and after I was done and the erection died down,I went back to sleep.At the second one,I simply walked back and forth until the erection died down and like the first,I went back to sleep.Though I escaped this double whammy,I still get tempted to act out by masturbation whenever these morning erections occur.I try to resist and at times I do fail,but I stay in the fight in overcoming SSA.I also still get tempted to go out and seek other men for the purpose of acting out sexually with them,but I don't feed nor satisfy that temptation,as I choose to stay home rather than give into it by going out.The temptation to act out in any way,shape or form can rear it's ugly head when least expected and it makes it even more difficult to deal with.I still have to keep in mind that acting out on these unnatural desires will never give me what I truly need and want.Acting out will only reinforce the Homosexual identity,which is the identity that I am trying to escape and distance myself from.I also have to continually keep in mind that God didn't intend for sexuality to be this way nor did he intend for us humans to be Homosexual as he intended everyone,male and female,to be healthy and happy Heterosexuals.The sexual activity between two members of the same gender is not approved of by God because his sacred word,the Holy Bible,condemns such activity.A fellow follower gave me advice to read and keep reading and I am applying this.But still,I am open to any more advice or suggestions as to how I can resist any temptation to act out.Anything offered is appreciated.Thanks.
As for tomorrow,I have made no plans.But whatever I choose to do,I hope that it gives me positive benefits.
That was my day today and my hopes for the day ahead.FJ

Tonight,my road to recovery continues onward,but still rough.I had a pretty fair day today.
Today,I woke up in the early morning and I bathed.After my bath,I had my usual quick breakfast and my usual 2 cups of coffee.After breakfast,I called AAA to have them tow my car to the garage so it can get fixed and it is at the garage waiting to get fixed.After that,I did my personal PC work and I simply put on a pair of sweatpants and I relaxed for a while.I also did some recommended Holy Bible reading.
Since my car is in the repair shop waiting to get fixed,I had nothing else to nor any place else to go.So,I relaxed and watched a couple of movies in the DVD player.
After eating,I watched the evening news for a while and I did some more personal PC work.Overall,a pretty fair day.
My car needs a brake hose.It will be ready tomorrow morning.My life will be back on track again.
My recovery continue to move onward,but the road is still a rough one.I am still,on a daily basis,dealing and struggling with BPD and it's symptoms.It is this constant emotional roller coaster ride that I have to put up with and endure.I don't know if I will be up and feeling good or down and feeling not so good.It is usually unpredictable.Aside from that,I also have to put up with the schizophrenic tendencies that I have alongside the BPD and that makes it even more difficult.It also doesn't make my struggles with SSA any easier at all.I am still going to continue my therapy sessions and I am also going to continue taking my medication as directed.I am hoping that my recovery starts improving soon and I will be feeling good for a while.
Regarding my SSA struggles,I gave into temptation in the wee early morning hours by masturbating an erection away.I really felt terrible about giving into that and it didn't make me feel different than I did before I gave into that.I have to develop much stronger resistance to this dirty habit.I don't want to masturbate anymore nor act out in other ways.Masturbation is simply a dirty and unclean habit.It won't give me what I truly want and need,which is affirmation of my gender identity and the feelings of authenticity that go with that affirmation.I also have to continually keep in mind that acting out in other ways also won't give what I need and want,either.Day after day,I still get tempted to go out and search for male partners for the purpose of acting out sexually with them,but I simply stay home when that temptation comes and I don't feed nor satisfy that temptation.Acting out,no matter what form of acting out it is,will only reinforce the Homosexual identity,which is the identity that I am trying to distance myself and escape from.Though I did get some advice and though it works throughout the day when temptation rolls around,I am still seeking advice and/or suggestions as to how I can continue to resist any temptation to act out.Anything is always welcomed.Thanks.
As for tomorrow,I have made no plans.But whatever I do,I hope that it gives me positive benefits.
That was my day today and my hopes for the day ahead.FJ

Tonight,my road to recovery continues,though the road is still a rough and rocky one.Despite some setbacks,I had a wonderful and eventful day today.
Today,I woke up in the early morning and I bathed.After my bath,I had my usual quick breakfast and my usual 2 cups of coffee.After breakfast,I got dressed up in a suit and since my car has to go back into the shop again due to something wrong with the brake mechanism,I phoned my niece and she dropped me off at church this morning.
On the way,my niece and I talked about some things and after dropping me off,I informed her that I would call her the minute that the service over.She left and I joined the Holy Bible study class and an hour an a half later,the worship service.
Both the class and the worship service were wonderful as I got quite a lot out of them both.After some wonderful fellowship with the rest of the people,I phoned my niece to pick me up and she dropped me off at home.
When I got home,I got out of my suit and into a pair of sweatpants.I had a quick lunch and afterwards,I did my personal PC work.
Tomorrow morning,I am going to have my car towed to the garage,to be on the safe side,for them to check out and get back to me regarding what needs to be fixed on it and I am hoping that it will not be too much money.I am just going to hope for the best and expect the worst.
Since the car needs repairs,I had no place to go and nothing to do,so I relaxed and watched a movie or two.I did feel sort of down as a result,but I am still hoping that it isn't that bad.I also did some recommended Holy Bible reading.
After eating,I watched the evening news for a while and I watched a TV special.After that,I popped a DVD in the DVD player before doing some last minute personal PC work.Overall,a wonderful and eventful day.
My road to recovery continues moving forward,despite a really rough and rocky road.Then again,it goes with the territory of having BPD.I never know how my mood will be from one day to the next.I don't know when my mood will up and feeling good or when my mood will be down and feeling not so good.It is always the same emotional roller coaster ride that happens continuously with anyone who has this disorder.At times,it happens all in one day when one minute I can be up and feeling good and then the next,down and feeling not so good.I also have to put up with the schizophrenic tendencies that I have alongside the BPD.I have to put up with hearing things that nobody else hears.It makes my recovery even more difficult.It also doesn't make my struggles with SSA any easier.I will still continue my therapy sessions.I will also continue taking my medication as directed.I am still hoping that my recovery will improve one of these days where I will be feeling good for a little while instated of this roller coaster ride that I am constantly on.
Regarding my SSA struggles,I was again tempted to masturbate in the wee early morning hours when I was awakened by an erection.It was also another throbbing one as well.I tried to toss and turn the erection away,but it wasn't working.I simply got up to walk and since I felt that I had to go to the bathroom,I simply headed for the bathroom and my genitals softened.After using the bathroom,I simply went back to sleep.Though I escaped this episode,I still have to stay on guard and be watchful.The temptation to act out,no matter what form of it will be,can rear it's ugly head when least expected.I have to be watchful.I have to constantly keep in mind that acting out on these unnatural desires will never give me what I truly need and truly want,which is affirmation of my gender identity and the feelings of authenticity that go with that affirmation.I still get tempted,on a daily basis,to go out and seek out male partners for the purpose of acting out sexually with them,but as stated,I don't feed nor satisfy that temptation as I simply stay home when that occurs.I still get tempted to act out in other ways,such as fantasies,masturbation to them or simply masturbation for emotional reasons.It can come in any way,shape or form when least expected.I have said it before and I will say it again,though I did get some helpful advice and I am using it to the best of my abilities,I am still open to any more advice or suggestions as to what has worked for anyone who has been following this blog of mine.Thanks in advance for sharing anything helpful.
As for tomorrow,since my car is in need of repair,I don't have anything planned and since I can't go to my usual Monday afternoon group,I will just stay home and take it easy.
That was my day today and my plans for the day ahead.FJ