Tonight,my road to recovery continues forward,though still rocky.I had a pretty good day today.
Today,I woke up in the mid morning and I bathed.After my bath,I had my usual quick breakfast and my usual 2 cups of coffee.After that,I did my personal PC work and since I had only a couple of thing planned for today,I got dressed to proceed with the rest of my day.
I first went to get some gas at a local gas station.After that,I did a little bit of grocery shopping.I had to pick up something that my mom needed.After paying for that item,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I put what I had bought away and I helped my mom set up a window fan in the kitchen window.After that was done,I relaxed and took it easy for a while.I also did some recommended Holy Bible reading.
After eating,I watched the evening news for a while and I did some more personal PC work.Overall,a pretty good day.
My road to recovery continues to go forward,but the road is still a rocky and rough one.Then again,when you are someone who struggles with the symptoms of BPD,the road will always be rocky.I have to put up with the emotional roller coaster ride that on a daily basis.I don't really know nor can I predict how my emotions are going to be.On one day,I can be up and feeling good,while on another day,I can be down and not so good.On some days,it happens on the very same day,where I am up and feeling good one minute and down and feeling not so good the next.At times,it seems unbearable.Aside from BPD,I also have to put up with the schizophrenic tendencies alongside the BPD,which makes my struggles even more difficult.It also doesn't make my struggles with SSA any easier.I am still attending my therapy sessions.I am also taking my medication as directed.I am still holding onto the hope that one day,my recovery will start improving and I will start feeling good for a while instead of this constant emotional roller coaster ride.
Regarding my SSA struggles,I was again tempted to masturbate in the wee early morning hours when I was awakened by an erection.It was also another throbbing one.I really had to fight this temptation as it was a very overwhelming one.I tried to toss and turn,but it wasn't working.I had to get up and walk to the bathroom as I had to go and use it and that is when the erection died down.After using the bathroom,I simply went to sleep.But after finally getting up and putting my bath water in,I sat down and I started to fondle myself and when I was erect,I started to masturbate,but stopped.This unclean and nasty habit has really become a very overwhelming thing for me.It has really grabbed a hold of me and it seems that it is controlling me.I want to control the habit,not have the habit control me.I also want to own my sexuality,not have my sexuality own me.Whenever the craving the masturbate occurs,it can be an overwhelming craving indeed.I don't want to masturbate any longer,but I wind up giving into the temptation to do it when it comes,sometimes.I really don't know whether I am coming or going.Not only that,aside from the temptation to masturbate,I still get tempted to go out and seek male partners for the purpose of acting out sexually with them,but I simply stay home and I don't feed nor satisfy that temptation.I have to continually keep in mind that acting out,no matter what form it is,will never give me what I truly want or need.It will only leave me feeling empty and yearning for more of anything sexual,which will lead to even more emptiness.I need to have healthy and authentic relationships with members of my own gender,which leads to affirmation of my gender identity and the feelings of authenticity that go with that affirmation.My mind can get pretty preoccupied with sexual images of men and the cravings to indulge in sinful sexual activity with them.I want and need to think of healthy,authentic and pure thoughts of men and not the opposite.I just need to be around other men in a healthy and authentic environment which can lead to affirmation,authenticity and the feeling of being able to feel like a man and I mean A MAN.Again,I am putting some advice to good use in the area of trying to resist the temptations,but I still need to have even more advice and/or suggestions as to how I can continue this resistance.Again,anything offered is appreciated.Thanks so much in advance.
Tomorrow,I have my Thursday morning spirituality group and after that,lunch at the community kitchen.Aside from that,I have no other plans.But whatever I do,I hope that it gives me positive benefits.
That was my day today and my hopes and plans for the day ahead.FJ