Tonight,my road to recovery continues onward,despite the road being rough.I had a pretty good day today.
Today,I woke up in the early morning and I bathed.After my bath,I had my usual quick breakfast and my usual 2 cups of coffee.After breakfast,I did my personal PC work and I got dressed.I proceeded to get on with the rest of my day.
I didn't have too much to do.I simply went to a local supermarket to pick up a couple of things that my mom wanted me to get.After paying for those items,I headed to a local convenience store to pick up a couple more things.After paying for those items,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I put all the stuff away and I relaxed and took it easy for a while.I also did some recommended Holy Bible reading.
After eating,I watched the evening news for a while and I did some more personal PC work.I also popped a DVD in the DVD player and I relaxed while watching it.Overall,a pretty good day.
While my road to recovery continues to go onward,the road is still a rough and rocky one at that.I still have to put up with the emotional roller coaster ride that goes with the territory of having BPD.I really don't know how my mood will be day after day.I sometimes wish that I didn't have to struggle with this thing.I wish that I could feel good almost every day rather than feel good one day and/or feel bad the next.Aside from BPD,I also have to put up with the schizophrenic tendencies that I have as well and that makes it even more difficult.It is just terrible that I have to put up with two things regarding my mentality and emotional makeup all at once.I will still continue my therapy sessions and I will continue taking my medication as directed.I just hope that one of these days,I will start feeling good one day and it will continue for a while.
Regarding my SSA struggles,I was again tempted to masturbate in the wee early morning hours when I was awakened by another morning erection.This was also another throbbing one.The temptation to masturbate that erection away was really overwhelming.I had to really fight this overwhelming urge.I tried to toss and turn,but it was not working.I then discovered that I had to use the bathroom,so I got up to use the bathroom and as I walked there,the erection died down and after using the bathroom,I went back to sleep.Though I escaped this episode,I still have to keep in mind that the temptation to act out in any way,shape or form,can rear it's ugly head when least expected.I also have to keep in mind that acting out sexually on these unnatural desires will never give me what I truly need and want.I am looking for and craving affirmation of my gender identity and the feelings of authenticity that go with that affirmation.Acting out,no matter what form it is,will only reinforce the Homosexual identity and give me what I truly need and want.I am trying to escape and distance myself from the Homosexual identity and not reinforce it.Day after day,I still get tempted to go out and seek male partners for the purpose of acting out sexually with them,but I don't satisfy nor feed that temptation.I simply and willfully choose stay home when that sort of temptation comes around.I don't nothing sexual with any man nor men.I want to be a part of the group of men as I am a man myself.God never intended sexuality to be the way that the world has it and I know that the way the world has it is simply wrong,inappropriate and just plain unnatural and immoral.I want to do teh right thing,but these unnatural desires that I have want me to do the opposite,which is sin and simply enjoy living in sin,but I won't do that.Again,though I did receive some good advice and I am applying it,I am still open to anything idea and suggestion wise as to what has worked for you,how it has worked for you and why it worked.Thanks in advance for any answers.
Tomorrow morning,it is church as usual and the morning Holy Bible study class an hour and a half before the worship service.Aside from that,I have no other plans.But whatever I choose to do,I hope that it gives me positive benefits.
That was my day today and my hopes and plans for the day ahead.FJ