Tonight,my road to recovery continues onward,but it is still a very rough one.I had a pretty good day today.
Today,I woke up in the mid morning and I bathed.After my bath,I had my usual quick breakfast and my usual 2 cups of coffee.After that,I did my personal PC work and I got dressed to proceed with the rest of my day.
Today,I had only a few things planned.I also wanted to make sure that I did get them done.I first went to the local laundromat,which is also a place where they dry clean and fix things like zippers in coats and pants,and dropped off a pair of suit pants to replace the zipper.After doing that,I headed over to the local K-Mart to pick up a couple of things that I had forgotten yesterday.After paying for those things,I headed over to a local supermarket to pick up a couple of things that were needed.After that,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I relaxed and decided to get ready for my appointment with the pastor of the church.During that time,I also did some recommended Holy Bible reading.These meetings have been going great and I have been getting a lot out of these.When the time came,I headed over to the church to talk with him.
The meeting with the pastor was wonderful.After that,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I relaxed and took it easy for a while.
After eating,I watched the evening news for a while and I did some more personal PC work.Overall,a pretty good day.
My road to recovery moves on,though the road is still a rough and rocky one.As I have shared before,I do have BPD.It is a very difficult thing to deal with.I have to put up with the continual emotional roller coaster ride that I am always on.On certain days,I can be up and feeling good while on other days,down and feeling not so good.Aside from that,I also have to put up with the schizophrenic tendencies that I also have alongside the BPD,which makes it even more difficult.I have to put up with hearing things that nobody else hears,like footsteps,voices calling out my name and just about anything else that happens.It also doesn't make my struggles with SSA any easier.The only things that I can continue to do is continue my therapy sessions and continue to take my medication as directed.I am still holding onto the hope that one of these days,I will feel good and will feel that way for a while.
Regarding my SSA struggles,I was again tempted in the wee early morning hours twice when I was awakened be morning erections at two separate intervals in the wee early morning hours.They were both throbbing erections as well.The desire to give into that temptation was very overwhelming and I had to really had to fight this temptation.On the first one,I had to get up and walk for a bit until the erection softened.I went back to sleep after that.On the second one,I had to get up and use the bathroom and while I was heading for there,the erection softened and I went back to sleep.Though I escaped these episodes,I still have to keep in mind that the temptation to act out in any way will rear it's ugly head when least expected.I also have to keep in mind that acting out on my unnatural desires will never give me what I truly need and want,which is affirmation of my gender identity and the feelings of authenticity that go with that affirmation.I still get tempted to go out and seek male partners out for the purpose of acting out sexually with them,but I willfully choose to stay home and not satisfy nor feed that temptation,though I do admit that it isn't an easy thing do nor is it easy to struggle with when you're starving for healthy and authentic contact with other men.I want to make friends with other men,and I mean be friends with them,and not have anything sexual with them.I want to relate and identify and connect with other men in a healthy and authentic manner.I also have to keep in mind that acting out on my desires,in any way,shape or form,will only reinforce the Homosexual identity,which is the identity that I am trying to disown,escape from and distance myself from.I don't want to masturbate nor do I want to act out on these unnatural desires in any way,because that is not what God intended us humans to be and not what he intended sexuality to be.I want to do what is right in God's eyes and through his scared word,the Holy Bible,but my unnatural desires want me to do the opposite.God forbids the sexual activity between two members of the same gender as his word,the Holy Bible,says so.Though I am using the advice that a follower gave me and I am applying that advice to the best of my ability,I am still open to any more advice and/or suggestions as to what has worked for them and how they made it work for them.Thanks in advance for anything offered.
As for the weekend,with the exception of church on Sunday,I really don't have anything else planned.But whatever I do,I hope that it gives me positive benefits.
That was my day today and my hopes and plans for the weekend ahead.FJ