Tonight,my road to recovery continues to move forward and as a result of all the stuff that has happened,the road is becoming rocky.I had a pretty fair day today.
Today,I woke up in the mid morning and waited for some people to come before I showered.My sister,who has moved in with me,went out to pick our father up at the airport and I waited for the some medical people to come to pick up the things that we had gotten for mom when she became ill.I waited for them,but before they came,my sister brought our father in and we talked for a few minutes before I jumped into the shower to clean up.After the shower,I had my usual quick breakfast and I have been drinking more than coffee than usual.After breakfast,I did my personal PC work and got dressed to proceed with the rest of the day.
I spent most of the day in the house with my father as my sister went to her old house to be alone.Off and on,I talked with him and the conversations were going well enough.I kept the television off for much of that time as we talked.
During this time,I had to go out and get some much needed stuff.I went to the local K-Mart to pick up those things and after paying for them,I headed straight home to spend more time with my dad.
When I got home,I again sent some more time with my dad and it was wonderful.
After eating,my father and I spent some more time together and it was wonderful.Though the day with my father was good,I still considered the day fair as it was the day after my mom passed away and I am still feeling her absence.
Right now,my struggles with BPD are getting pretty rough right now as I am trying to comprehend the loss and just trying to carry on without her.I lived with my mother almost all of my life and we had gotten close,even though there were some times where we didn't agree with some things,but we still remained close.Now,with her gone,I am now trying and learning how to live without her being here.I do have my family,such as my sisters,my niece and now,with my father in town for several days,I can rest a little easier,but it will still be a rough road ahead.The schizophrenic tendencies that I have will also start to get worse,but I still have to hang in there and stay sane enough to live.I will still continue to take my medication and continue with my therapy.I will also still continue to rely on both God and his son Jesus Christ more whenever the struggle seems to be getting too unbearable for me to handle and also,seemingly too impossible to endure.I will simply continue to talk the matter over with God in the name of his son Jesus Christ repeatedly and I will simply hope to feel better after that.It will be rough,but with God and his son Jesus Christ leading the way,I know that I will be okay.Thanks to both God and his son Jesus Christ for everything that they do.
Regarding my SSA struggles,I was again tempted to masturbate in the wee early morning hours when I was awakened by yet another throbbing erection,but it didn't last long.It actually started to die down while I was sitting up and after a few minutes,I went back to sleep.I escaped that episode,but I later gave into temptation by looking at pornographic images and manipulating my genitals for the purpose of getting them erect or near orgasm then stopping.I did sin and after closing off the internet for a while,I asked God in the name of his son Jesus Christ to forgive me for my sins and after that,I felt better.I did manage to finish my personal PC work after that and I wasn't tempted for the rest of the day.I am at my most vulnerable right now as a result of my mother's death yesterday and I have to stay on guard and be watchful as Satan and his minions will be there to try and get me to go against God and his perfect law for us humans who worship him to follow.I can't let that happen.I have to keep calling out to God in the name of his son Jesus Christ for help and guidance and to get me through the storm of temptations that will now be coming as a result of my vulnerability during this tragic time.I will kepp going to both God and Christ and they will help me get through all of this,Thanks to both of them for everything that they do.Without them,I would be up the creek without a paddle and a boat.
Tomorrow,it will be church as usual in the morning and I am hoping to go and see a movie in the early afternoon.As for the rest of the day,I will just sit and have many talks with my dad and enjoy him being here until he goes back home to where he lives.
That was my day today and my hopes and plans for the day ahead.FJ