Tonight,I am feeling okay.I had a not too eventful day today.I simply ran a few errands for my mom today.The day was also pretty sunny and bright today alongside being humid.But I just went about my business today and let nothing get between what I had to do.I simply went about the day.
I have been under a lot of stress as of late.The stress has been coming from my niece's uncooperation with a verbal agreement that we made late last year.My neice is currently on my insurance so she can drive her mini van to get here kids to school and to get back and forth to work.She agreed to give me her half of the money a week before the due date but she has not been cooperating.I have explained this to her but apparently,I don't think that what I am trying to get through is doing any good.She always says that she agrees but she always pays late.I always keep making sacrifices that I feel that I should not have to make in order to keep paying the insurance on time so I will not get in bad with my company.This has been going on for a long time and no matter what I say to her,it seems to fall on deaf ears.I understand that she has three kids and that she always has to think of them firsthand.But a verbal agreement is a verbal agreement.At least,that is the way I feel about it.I just hope that I do not have to make any more of these because I feel that I am really going to go crazy if I have to do that again.I am going to pay the bill tomorrow and I am hoping that this will not be a problem in the long run.I am just hoping that the rest of the week goes well.
Whenever my stress level goes up,my SSA skyrockets.I am trying to heal from unwanted SSA attractions but this is making them worse.Whenever my SSA skyrockets,I crave acting out sexually with other men and I do not want to do that.Deep down,it's what I want to do because it is all I have ever known but I am trying to leave the Gay sexual subculture behind and on the surface,it is not what I want to do.I truly believe that sexual relations between two men is unnatural and I do not want to go back there.I know the minute that I have sexual relations with one man,I want to have sexual relations with another man and so on until I am right back where I was before I started my healing from unwanted SSA.I don't want to indulge in this stuff because I do not believe in it nor do I think is the right way for a man to be or do.I am determined to heal and I am determined to be the Heterosexual man that I want to be as well as the man that I have always wanted to be.I want REAL male friends who I can confide in and trust and have the healthy relationships that every guy needs in order to be and even feel like a REAL man.I do not want to think of men as potential sexual partners nor do I want to think of them as anything having to do with that.I truly and way deep down believe that Homosexual sexual behavior is wrong and unnatural and it is not a healthy alternative to Heterosexuality.Again,I am determined to be a Heterosexual man and I am determined to overcome SSA at all costs.I am just hoping that the rest of the week goes by smoothly and that I do not have to make unneccessary sacrifices just to keep up with life.I am trying to save up money,not spend more.
Tomorrow is a work day.I am hoping that the day goes by smoothly.I could use a smooth work day and I could also use a smooth week.If the rest of the week goes by smoothly,that will be good.
That was my day today and my hoped for day tomorrow.FJ