Tonight,I am feeling okay.It was a pretty good day today.The work shift went by smoothly.I simply did my job and the rest took care of itself.I also had a pretty good lunch.I even had some nice conversations with a few people at work and that was good.
After I came home,I went out again to do a couple of things for my mom.I also went to pay my car insurance bill today and it is now paid for this month.I had to pay this because it was due today and it is now paid to avoid late fees.Afterwards,I took it easy at home and I had a very good dinner.I also went for a drive.The reason why I did was because I am thinking of trying a sexual addicts support group at another church in another area.I heard about it through someone who goes to my Wednesday night meetings at the church in another area.The only difference is that this group at the Catholic church is non-spiritually based.The Wednesday night Baptist church ones are spiritually based.Again,I have been thinking of trying this because I do struggle with sexual addiction.I have been looking into attending a sexual addiction support group for quite a while and now that I have heard about this,I am thinking about giving it a try.My addiction at the moment is masturbation.But in the past,my addictions were simply performing oral sex on other males.Though I have not performed any sexual activity,oral or otherwise,with any man in quite a while,I still have fleeting thoughts surrounding this area and this has been contributing to my problems with masturbation.My emotional state due to my niece not complying with the verbal agreement that we made regarding the car insurance at the moment and that one issue with that friend who has said that he wants to patch things up with me but he's not returning my phone calls has made my SSA sky-rocket as of late and I feel that I need extra support regarding this.As I have previously stated,I do not want to act out on my desires because that will not give me the fulfillment that I am seeking or looking for.Nor will it give me the satisfaction that I truly need to feel like A MAN among men.Plus,I made a commitment to change my orientation and not reaffirm the Homosexual/Gay identity that I am trying to get rid of.Performing anything sexual,including oral sex,on a man will only reaffirm this identity that I do not want nor do I want to be affiliated with because I am trying to show that I am stronger than my desires and that they do not control me.I know that I did masturbate yesterday but I have been forgiven for that and I am moving on.Deep down,I do not believe in Homosexuality and I know that deep down,I do not find men sexually attractive.I was sexually abused by other males while I was groing up and this has really made it rough because the sexual abuse that I endured,including the rape episode that I endured when I was 16,really confused me and made me think that I was Gay,which I am not.I do not want to even be labeled this because in reality,there is no such thing as such.It is only the desires and the condition,which is emotional in nature and not sexual.But I know that deep down,I am not that at all,nor do I believe in having sexual relations with other men.I believe in the law that was set forth by the creator and that is man and woman.Again,I have to let my desires know that I control them.It is not them that control me.It is going to be tough but I am determined to do that.If I have to attend another group,than I have to.Again,I am thinking of giving this group a try in the near future.It if works out,great.If not,then it was worth a try.
Tomorrow is another work day.I am hoping that the day goes by smoothly.After that,it's the weekend.I am looking forward to that.
That was my day today and my hoped for day tomorrow.