Tonight,I am feeling mixed emotions.The work shift went by smoothly and even the errand that I ran for my mom went well.But when I got home,I tried to relax but I couldn't.I was lying down on my bed and all of a sudden,images of men in a sexual way were coming back.I had the same old dreams of being in a room with another man with the both of us in bed together and I was performing sexual acts on him and it led me to masturbation.I really felt bad and depressed about this.I asked the creator to forgive me and though I believed I was forgiven,I still felt guilty and miserable.But after taking a couple of St.John's Wart capsules,I felt better and I went to get dinner for me and mom.It was simple take out food from a local KFC and it was pretty good.We had homemade pasta salad as a side dish and it was good.I also had pasta for lunch at work today before I went home for the afternoon after my shift was over.I was tired and I wanted to get home.I have to do it again tomorrow afternoon and I am hoping that the shift goes well.
I am now at home and I am feling better.I do not feel depressed like I did earlier after the relapse.As stated,I have been on an emotional roller coaster ride as of late since the sudden death of a fellow support group at the church member died.I guess that it will take me a while to get over this sudden and tragic death of him.I have never been in a rut like this for as long as this.It has been a month and I have not really started to adjust to life after this.I know that I will but I need to take my mind off of this and I do need to really readjust after this negative and senseless tragedy.I am going to need all the support that I can get.I don't know whether I'm coming or going.Again,I desperately need to readjust.I am hoping that someone can help me.
As stated,tomorrow is a work day.I am hoping that the shift goes by well.After that,it's the weekend.
That was my day today and my hoped for day tomorrow.FJ