Tonight,I am feeling mixed emotions.I had a pretty good work day today.But for most of the day,it rained.It rained so hard that my mom was hoping to get some grocery shopping done but we didn't due to the rain.But I did manage to get one thing done.My mom had me run an errand for her tonight.It was simple.I had to get some coffe from the store and some snacking food.Afterwards,I went to a local K-Mart to see if they had some Buffalo Sabres T-Shirts but they did not have any.All they had were shirts of the Buffalo Bills and New York Yankees.I was disappointed.I was hoping to find some more of them but didn't.Oh Well.I asked there and they told me that they did not know when they were going to get them in.I just bought a gallon of milk and left for home.I was hoping to catch the yearly special called It's The Great Pumpkin,Charlie Brown but later learned when I got home that it was next week.Oh well.At least,I now know that it will be on next Tuesday.
The reason why I am feeling mixed emotions is that I relapsed again for the second consecutive time.I masturbated again.I was trying to take a nap when the old images of men begging me to relieve them were lining up wanting oral sex.I wound up masturbating after playing with myself.Though I did ask God to forgive me,I still feel miserable.If I am thinking of "never masturbating again",then I need to STOP thinking of that.I have to accept that I am going to relapse when I least expect it.But I do know that I do not want to have sex with another man.I also looked at some pornographic images online as well just before signing on to here.I really need some help.I am going crazy.All I am thinking of is having sex with men.I don't want to have sex with a man.Because I have not had any sex with any men for a long time.I do not want to do that because I know that if I do that,I am going to be back to the same old dull and pointless routine all over again.It will be back to the pattern of giving blowjobs constantly to different guys and looking forward to an eternity of "one-blow stands" where I am enslaved to the image of a man with an erect penis and wanting to suck it until it ejaculates in my mouth.I don't want to go back to that.Because it's not what I am looking for.I am looking for healthy relationships with other guys where I can be a guy and be one of the guys.That is what I want.What I don't want are guys one minute saying to me;"I Like You.You're A Great Guy.I Like Having You Around" and then the next minute "Hey,Dude.Do You Want To Suck My Cock?"The former is what I am looking for.It is not the latter.After my prayers tonight and then tomorrow.I am hoping that I feel better.That would be great.
Tomorrow is simply a pick-up day.I am hoping that the pick up goes well without any mess to clean up.I also have my support group meeting at the church tomorrow night.I am also hoping that the meeting goes well,too.
That was my day today and my hopes for the day tomorrow.FJ