Tonight,I am feeling okay.I had a pretty good day today.
The work day went by smoothly.I simply did what little I had to do in the short time allowed.But by the end,I got a lot done.After finishing,I bagged everything and dropped it off at the rehab center.I headed for home afterwards.
On the way home,I had to make a couple of personal stops along the way.It was nothing much.It was just dropping off a newspaper at a couple of houses.I headed straight home afterwards.
When I got home,I laid down for a while.I was feeling tired and I felt that a nap would do me a world of good.I really did not go to sleep like I had hoped.I simply relaxed for a while before deciding to finish my personal PC work.It wasn't an awful lot to do.I started it during break time at work and I managed to finish it at home in a short period of time.
While on my lunch hour,I dropped off some important papers at a government office downtown.After that,I headed back to work to finish my job.
After a light dinner,I decided to do some more much needed catching up on some more personal PC work.I am glad to have done so.
I have been feeling okay but I have also had some emotional stress and strain.I wound up masturbating today while trying to take a nap.I was feeling tired and I was also feeling at edge for some of the stuff that has been happening within my family.I did ask the creator to forgive me for giving in to the habit,I still felt guilty for a while after that but as the rest of the day progressed,I began to feel better.I really need to learn better techniques on how to STOP masturbating.I feel that I am doing something wrong and that is causing me to give in to the temptation to do so.I have been also simply manipulating my sexuality in order to masturbate.Plus,images from the past of nude men and men having their erect genitals out have been popping back up.I really don't know what has been going on.Why have they been coming back?I'm sick of these things coming back and I am sick of having these negative sexual feelings towards members of my own gender.I will NEVER believe that "born that way" crap because I have never believed it and one of the contributing factors of my struggles with SSA has been the sexual abuse that I had endured when I was younger when I was used for other guys pleasures by being manipulated into performing oral sex on them constantly when they displayed their erect genitals and me giving in when they did.I still remember the rape that I endured when I was 16 years old.Again,I want to overcome these feelings and the immoral urge to manipulate my sexuality and then progressing to masturbation.If anyone out there has any ideas,PLEASE HELP ME.Thanks.
Tomorrow is simply a pick-up day.I am hoping that the pick-up goes smoothly.I also have a meeting with my sexual abuse support counselor tomorrow afternoon and I am hoping that the session goes well.
That was my day today and my hopes for the day ahead.FJ