Tonight,I am feeling mixed emotions.I had a pretty so-so day today.
I got up this morning and had a quick breakfast and I did my personal PC work.It was a lot more than I have had in the past several days but I managed to get it done.I also decided to cancel my membership to some of the Yahoo forums that I was a member of.I am hoping to reduce my e-mail load.I am still working on canceling my membership to other ones.It is going to take several days but I will get that accomplished.I just need to reduce my e-mail load a tad.
Today,I only ran a small errand.While doing that,I stopped over to see the friend that was supposed to celebrate his birthday but he canceled when a member of his girlfriend's family got hurt while playing in a high school football game.He did call me over an hour before I was supposed to pick him up.I only visited him because he called me and I promised that I would.He is doing okay.I am glad that he is.
The reason why I am feeling mixed emotions is because I am depressed.The main reason was last night's cancellation.I understand that what happened was crucial and it couldn't be helped.But I was hoping to have a good time with him and have a memorable night with a friend and his girlfriend celebrating.But this sudden turn of events really brought me down.Again,I understand that this couldn't be helped and I do sympathize and my heart goes out to him and his girlfriend.I am hoping that her relative gets over his injuries and that they are feeling better soon.It was great for me to talk with him today and see that he is alright.I do feel a little bit better as a result of talking with him,though I am still feeling the blues.I did explain to them how I am feeling and they said that it could also be a side effect of the psychiatric medication that I currently taking.I really don't know if that is contributing to this.Still,anything is possible.I am hoping that it isn't.
Last night,my night of entertaining the crowd went well.Though I was feeling down as a result of my good friend canceling at the last minute.Again,I do sympathize and I don't hold it against him or even her.I had a good time but my depression really affected me and the good time didn't seem like a good time to me.I am hoping that I will be feeling better next week.
Regarding my SSA struggles,I think that this is another reason why I am feeling depressed.I haven't acted out in a long time and I haven't watched any pornography nor have I visited any pornographic websites in a long time.I want to do the right thing and stay away from any situation that might tempt me into acting out on these desires.I know that these desires are emotional in nature and I also know that acting out will never get me the fulfillment that I really need to keep going.But these desires are really strong and my cravings to act out are also strong.Still,I am not going to act out.I am not going to have anything sexual with men.I want to continue leaving the Gay(i.e.Homosexual) lifestyle behind and I am not going to let these desires run my life.I also know that I was sexually abused by other guys for their pleasure,including the time that I was raped by that man in my neighborhood when I was 16.There were also the other times that I was used by other guys for their pleasure and I still keep that in mind.Not only that,the physical,emotional and spiritual abuse that I suffered at the hands of my father was also the main root cause of my desires.I know the right thing to do and I am going to do that.I won't act out and I won't let the desires I have make my choices for me.I have made a choice not to act out and I am sticking to that.The only thing that I need to do is to continue seeking healthy relationships with other men.I am going to continue doing that until I do indeed find what I am seeking.I hope that I get there soon.
Plus,it is all this stuff about "Same-Sex Marriage" that is always in the news and hearing about two members of the same gender "getting married" like if they were a man and a woman.This really makes me sick.The institution of marriage was never meant to be this way because it was Adam and Eve that were created and not Adam and Steve.I know that I shouldn't let it bother me and I really don't want it to.But it really sickens me when I hear about this constantly.It is truly sickening to see two members of the same gender doing something that is strictly meant for a man and woman.If anyone out there has any advice on how I can deal with this effectively,I would appreciate some.I don't want to feel sad and/or depressed.I want to feel happy because of the freedom that I have from Homosexuality.Again,any advice would be strongly appreciated.
You know something,just sharing these feelings and thoughts on here has made me feel a lot better.Still,I would appreciate some advice on how to deal with this stuff.
I am thinking of going out to have a drink or two with the guys at the place where I entertain.I am hoping for some great talks with them.
Tomorrow is my day off.I am hoping that the day goes smoothly.
That was my weekend and my hopes for the start of the new week ahead.FJ