Tonight,my rocky road to recovery continues moving forward.I had a pretty good day today.
Today,I woke up in the mid morning and I had my usual 2 cups of coffee.After my coffee,I decided to do my personal PC work first and after that was done,I showered quickly and when I was finished,I had my usual quick breakfast.After breakfast,I decided to do a little bit more personal PC work and I got dressed to proceed with the rest of the day.
I first went to a local supermarket to pick up a couple of things.After that,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I put the stuff that I bought away and I relaxed while watching a movie that I popped into the DVD player.After that,I did a little bit more personal PC work.
After eating,I headed out to my usual Celebrate Recovery group,which went as wonderfully as expected and after that was over,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I prepared for my evening retirement.Overall,a pretty good day.I also managed to get some recommended Holy Bible reading done as well.
While my rocky road to recovery continues moving forward,I am still in my daily struggles against BPD/Schizophrenia and SSA,which is the most difficult of the two for me.Today,I have some things that I need to say in this regard to my struggles with SSA and it isn't pretty.This week has been an up and down roller coaster weekend.I have been struggling a lot this week and as a result,I have given into temptations a few times this week.I have given into the temptations to manipulate my genitals to sexual images of men clouding my mind,which led to me fantasizing and lusting after other men and on a couple of occasions,it led to ejaculation.On these occasions,I felt really miserable after doing these things as I know that my Heavenly Father condemns such activity and I really felt sorry for myself as a result of me giving into these terrible,meaningless and worthless temptations.On all of these occurrences,I immediately went to my Heavenly Father and I confessed all of my sins to him and I also accepted full and total responsibility for my falls into sin.I also begged and pleaded,in the name of his son Jesus Christ,for both his forgiveness and his mercy.I begged for him to be merciful towards me and to forgive my sins.I was really sorry for doing that and again,these activities are things that my Heavenly Father not only condemns,but also,abhors.When I was finished,I felt better and knew and truly and totally believed that I was forgiven.I really need to start getting tough with myself.The emotional factor was that I was angry this week.The reason for my anger was because my sister had the gall to call me three nights ago when I was about to go to sleep and say that she needed to pick up a couple of things.This really made me angry because I was tired,very sleepy and wanted to go to bed.The worst part of her coming over was her meddling into my life and my business,which I didn't appreciate at all.That led to all the stuff and falling that few times this week.I am not saying that it excuses it,but it was the motivator and the way that I was feeling.I also need to work on not letting my anger get the better of me when things that I don't want happening happen.Again,I need to get tough with myself and start showing these unnatural sexual desires that I have that I own them and not the other way around.I really want to heal from and overcome this terrible SSA.I hate that I have sexual feelings for men and I hate this struggle.I want to do what is right,but my sinful nature wants me to do the opposite.I have to show my sinful nature that I am no longer interested in any of those things that are connected to the so called "Pro-Gay" agenda.I want to be what my Heavenly Father wants me and intends me to be.I happen to be a man and a male and that is what I am identity wise.All other identities,such as "Homosexual/Gay" are false identities.Fellow blog followers and readers,please continue to keep me in your prayers.I also would appreciate some positive verbal support in the comments section.I am still in desperate need of your prayerful and positive verbal support daily and often.Please continue to keep me in your prayers and also,please leave me some positive verbal support in the comments section.I would really appreciate both of these things.Thanks in advance to all of you for your continued prayerful and positive verbal support.Thanks also to both my heavenly Father and his son Jesus Christ for everything that they do and provide.
As for the weekend,I have nothing planned.But I hope that whatever I choose to do gives me positive benefits.
That was my day today and my hopes for the upcoming weekend ahead.FJ