Tonight,my rocky road to recovery continues moving forward.I had a pretty good day today.
Today,I woke up in the early morning and I had my usual 2 cups of coffee.After my coffee,I showered quickly and when I was finished,I had my usual quick breakfast.After breakfast,I quickly did my personal PC work and I got dressed to proceed with the rest of the day.
I had a few things on my agenda for today.I first went to the local Salvation Army thrift store and I bought a few nice things.After that,I headed to a local supermarket to pick up something that I needed.After that,I headed over to the local Super Wal-Mart to pick up a few necessary things.After paying for those things,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I put the stuff that I bought away and I started to do a little bit more personal PC work.I also started to prepare my evening meal.
After eating,I did some more personal PC work and I also enjoyed some music.I relaxed for much of the time and I also talked to a few people on the phone.Later on,I started to prepare for my evening retirement.Overall,a pretty good day.I also managed to get some recommended Holy Bible reading done as well.
My rocky road to recovery continues moving forward.I am still in my daily struggles against BPD/Schizophrenia and SSA,which is my most difficult struggle.I have been talking so much lately about my falls into sin and everything in regards to my struggles with SSA,but I need to talk about something else.I have been holding something back and tonight,I am going to let it all go.
Last night,when I was at my Celebrate Recovery group,a question was asked asking us what sin or sins are keeping you awake at night or nagging you during the day.Last night,I knew I had to come clean.There have been some things that I have been holding back.I feel that this is why I am still trapped with the unnatural sexual desires that I have.The question asked was "Is there any anger or resentment that you have that is keeping up at night or nagging you through the day?"After all the other men shared,I shared everything.I admitted that I still have some unresolved anger,resentment and trauma issues in my life.I also revealed where the anger and resentment was mostly aimed at.Most of my anger and resentment is still geared towards my father.I revealed that my father physically and emotionally abused me.I also added that aside from that abuse,all that I ever got from my father was his legalism and deprivation.He deprived me of my rights to express myself and only allowed me to only Yes and No answers.I was never allowed anything else and even if I tried to express myself,my father automatically assumed that an evil spirit or a demon was talking through me and he would lay his hands on me and shout out "In the name of the Lord Jesus Christ,get out of my son!" and I would fight to get free from it,but he would apply more strength and he wouldn't let up until I was totally exhausted from fighting to get free.Not only that,my father never gave me any fatherly love nor did he ever share his manliness with me when I was a kid.He was also mostly absent for the vast majority of my life.Not only that,I also have had several traumatic experiences in my life that were mostly instigated by my father,but there were others.One of those was from the domestic violence that I witnessed where my locally living sister was the victim of.I was not only a witness to these violent occurrences,but I too was a victim of that man because there were times that he assaulted me as well when I was still a child.I went from one violent situation with my father to another violent situation with the man that my sister was involved with.The worst traumatic experience of my life was the night when I was chased by a bunch of punks into the path of two cars where the first one struck me and the next one just ran over me and dragged me.I almost lost my life that night and the doctors who worked on me didn't give me a good chance of survival.Fortunately,I survived that night and came through,but the long recovery was very painful and agonizing.Fortunately,I healed up great,but I still feel the pain whenever bad weather is about to come around,which is a vivid reminder of that night.The thing with all of this is that I am always recycling these stories whenever I get a different therapist or when I get involved with a new recovery group.Nobody has ever pointed me in the direction of resolving and transcending these experiences so I can discover what real healing I can get from this terrible SSA and all the other emotional issues that I want to get resolved.I also had some terrible emotional issues from a religious cult that I followed for two years of my life.Again,I was pointed in the direction of getting these issues resolved and transcending beyond it all so I can really heal from all of these experiences.The problem is that I really don't know how to go about it.I don't know how to simply let go and move on.I want to heal from and overcome this terrible SSA and go on to become the man that my Heavenly Father wants me and intends me to be.I am always shouting angry things to myself like if I am lashing out at the people who have made me angry pretending that they are there in the room with me.It is not just my father,but also my locally living sister and other people like so called friends who used me and abused me for their own selfish pleasures,those who sexually abused me,which contributed to my SSA struggles and also confused me,and those who bullied and assaulted me years ago and also,called me horrible names that I wouldn't even call my my mother(may she rest in peace)or my father even if they were those things that I was called.Fellow blog followers and readers,if any of you have any ideas or what books and articles that I can read that can help me let go and finally get the resolutions and transcending that I desperately need to finally start getting the real healing that I need to not only heal from and overcome SSA,but also all the other issues that I need to get resolved.I still need your prayers and yes as usual,I still need your positive verbal support in the comments section.I really need all the support and advice that I can get.I still need prayerful support as much as I need your positive verbal support.Please continue to pray for me and also,please don't forget to leave me some positive verbal support in the comments section.Thanks in advance to all of you for your continued prayerful and positive verbal support.Thanks also to both my Heavenly Father and his son Jesus Christ for everything that they do and provide.
As for tomorrow,with the exception of church as usual,I have nothing else planned.But I hope that whatever I choose to do gives me positive benefits.
That was my day today and my hopes and plans for the day ahead.FJ