Tonight,my rocky road to recovery continues moving forward.
Today,I went to work and it went well.After it was over,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I did some checking up on my messages online and after that,I shaved quickly and headed out to a local church for a free dinner.After eating,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I relaxed and quickly did my personal PC work.I also showered quickly and prepared for my evening retirement.A very good day overall.
Lately,I haven't been posting very much in regards to my struggles.But I want to share another struggle that I have.It is in regards to my struggles with SSA,but only in another area.I am still trying to gain and find healthy and authentic relationships with fellow men.However,I have been striking out big time in my pursuit of these sorts of relationships.I have tried many means to try and gain these,but I'm failing.When I used to go out to hang out with some guys,I would give them my phone number and my home address for them to call me and arrange for get together's.But they never called me nor did they even offer anything in that regard.This has been frustrating me.I have been striking out in my pursuit of these sorts of healthy relationships where I can relate,identify and connect with other men.I simply want and need healthy and affirming relationships with other guys where the only real benefits are friendship,closeness,bonding and just being one of the guys.However,as I said,I've been striking out big time and it's not only frustrating me,but is also making me feel sad.It also makes me feel lonely.This is also making my SSA struggles worse.
I hate that I struggle with this terrible emotional condition.
I hate having these unnatural desires that go with this terrible struggle.
I also have a psychological sexual dysfunction problem as a result of this and also,all the sexual abuse that I suffered endured,alongside the religious/spiritual abuse that I suffered and endured at an early part of my life as a young man.I'm still feeling the effects of both of these abuses and I don't know if I will ever fully recover from it all.I have been in therapy all throughout my life as a result of all of this.I simply want to heal and recover from this terrible thing that I struggle with.The thing is that nobody wants to really help me.I feel all alone and it's making me feel really sad and depressed.I get hit with spells of the blues when least expected.I've been taking my medication and continuing my therapy,but these spells still hit.
I need more than just therapy and medication.I need to have healthy affirming relationships.I need to find myself in this terrible,cruel and mad world.I want to be accepted by other guys as I am,faults and all.I am hoping to find and have these types of relationships soon.If anyone can give me any good advice,please do so.Thanks.
Please continue to keep me in your prayers.Please continue to leave me some encouraging and spiritually upbuilding words in the comments section.Thanks to all of you.Thanks also to both my Heavenly Father and his son Jesus Christ.
Tomorrow is another work day and I hope that all goes well.FJ
1 comment:
Hi there FJ,
Been thinking and praying for ya'
Also, lately I've come to realize something about when I pray to God. Somewhere I read where a guy suggested a more personal way to pray. That is to INVITE God to walk with us each day and invite Him to guide us in every decision we face. That is to actually consciously praying, "God I invite You to guide my thoughts as I go about my day, help me feel your presence and see your guiding hand in all the things I face. I invite You to help purify my thoughts and think clearly. I invite You into my struggles that I might see answers and be encouraged. I invite You to help me manage my time..." etc.
Some ideas I hope will help you. I know that since I consciously started to pray this way I have seen many things more clearly and to feel God giving me good ideas and most of all peace knowing He is walking right beside me, even with His arm around my shoulders. I have to share something about my journey. You try real hard to form friendship/relationships as you mentioned in this post and are discouraged that many don't respond the way you'd hoped. For a long time I wanted that as well and often became discouraged that no one was really available to be a real friend. I prayed God to send along someone...now I think that God tried to but no one listened and responded. In the final analysis I just had to trust God to get me through, and He has. Inviting Him into my particular struggles and questions I find that I no longer stress to find someone who will respond like I would like them to. I am being able to just trust God, no matter what others do. It sure takes a lot of pressure off my life. And even relating to past struggles with ssa I find that it just is no big deal anymore...even to thinking, "Wow, that was crazy, I didn't even need that at all! Why was it SO important??" I am gradually learning, slowly, how to live without that crud. Shows me that I really want to live...no more running except in the direction of where God is working.
Take good care my friend.
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