Tonight,I am feeling better than I have been.I had a pretty good day today.The pick-up went by pretty well.There was no mess to clean and that was great.I dropped it off at the worksite and afetr sorting it out,I went home.I tried to take a nap today,but couldn't.I wound up relapsing again.I masturbated to images of naked men and having sexual fun with them.Plus,there were other disgusting degrading things that crept up in my mind but I am not going to talk about that.Why?Because I do not want to gross anyone out.That is how bad they are.But again,I am no longer feeling bad about it.I am simply going to forget about it and move on.I am going to work on not letting these images of nude men demanding favors from me torture me.I am going to try and work on these things and not let it bring me down.I relapsed and that is all.I am not going to let it bring me down.
My support group meeting at the church went great.It was wonderful to relieve myself of some of the emotional baggage that I have been carrying this past week.I shared what has been going on in my life and my work and it was great to share these things with the men and being heard.It was also wonderful that they also listened to me as well.I also learned that I had something in common with one of the men in the group,which was wonderful.It is great to learn that I had something in common with one of the men.I went home feeling great.It was a long drive home but I had a feeling of satisfaction that has not left me.I hope that it lasts very long.
I also had a talk with that friend of mine in North Carolina who authored a great book that I contributed to.It was a great conversation.He gave me some pretty good advice on what I should do in a month's time.He wanted me to put into my mind who I really am.I have told him repeatedly about all the turmoil that went on in my life and what my father did to me in the name of his "Born-Again Christianity" and all the physical,emotional and spiritual abuse that I endured at his hand.He simply told me that I should concentrate on working to be a happy man who strives to learn new things.He advised me to try it for a month and see what happens.I said that I would try it and apply what I am learning in my daily life and also talk about it here on my blog. He also advised me to work on not letting the torture and turmoil that my father placed on me bring me down and angry and forget all the emasculations that he gave.I am going to also work on appreciating compliments better.I still have a hard time accepting and appreciating compliments all because of all I went through.But as he advised,I am going to strive to learn new things and work on becoming the happy balanced man that I want to be.
Earlier today,I went to my auto mechanic to have my brakes checked out.The brakes on my car need to be replaced.My mechanic did make some minor adjustments that will help for now but he said that the work still needs to be done soon.I know that it needs to be done and I will get it done when I can,which will be soon.
Tomorrow is a work day.I am hoping that the shift goes by smoothly.I also have an appointment with the substitute sexual abuse support counselor.I am hoping that the meeting with her goes well.
That was my day today and my hoped for day tomorrow as well as what I have to work on in the months ahead.FJ