Tonight,I am feeling mixed emotions.I am feeling depressed,angry and lonely.Most of the depression has something to do with the weather we've been having.The weather has been COLD and snowy.Plus,today at work,I had to buy my own lunch as a result of there being no lunch to be served.We were supposed to have fried chicken but the coordinator is out sick and he did not fill the purchase order for the lunch ahead of time.I had to buy my own lunch today.I had a homemade burrito from a take out place.It was good and filling.No total loss but it was a pretty big shock.The rest of the day went by not too smoothly.I had to finish a job that was not finished by the previous day's person.That really made ne feel at edge,which is contributing to the anger that I am feeling at the moment.At least,I got my job done and that gave me a feeling of accomplishment.
Plus,I am feeling angry because these SSA feelings are not leaving me alone.Plus,an online forum that I am a part of is having divisions where one guy wants to throw in the towel and act out on his desires rather than resist and fight them.The men in the group are having mixed reactions,with a few of them being sympathetic to the case of Gay civil unions.I did e-mail the group moderator and I am going to be e-mailing the group owner after I am done here.I am hoping that this can be resolved soon without having to kick anyone out.Plus,I also had the intention of acting out with a Gay man that I knew but I did not let it happen.Or maybe,God did not let it happen.Instead,I gave him a ride to a local drug store so he could get his medication.Regarding my fight to resist these Gay desires,I did get rid of some Gay porn videos that I had in my closet to free up some room for the suits that I had in it.They were simply being bunched up together all at once and I needed to free up the space.At least,the Gay porn videos are no longer there for me to watch anymore.In fact,a TV that I used to watch them on with an accompanying VCR hooked up to it,broke down years ago and since it is an old tubed TV,I can never fix it since there are no tubes available anywhere anymore.No big loss there.I am glad to be rid of them.
My feelings of being lonely are there because tomorrow night,I will be staying home.As stated last week,there are no more support group meetings at the church that used to have them.Also as stated,the members are now busy with their own lives and the leaders could not find any co-leaders to take the helm when the leaders were doing other things with their lives.But I am hoping that there will be another group coming up soon that is supposed to help men and women with SSA.I am hoping that the group will start soon,which is supposed to be January.I will just have to hang in there until something happens.I will just have to pray hard until something happens.But I feel that something will happen soon for me before I know it,
Tomorrow is simply a pick up day.I am hoping that the pick up goes smoothly.I am also hoping to have lunch at work once that is done.
That was my day today and my hopes for the day ahead.FJ