Tonight,my road to recovery continues positively.I had a pretty good day today.
Today,I woke up in the early morning and bathed.After my bath,I had my usual quick breakfast and my usual 2 cups of coffee.After breakfast,I did my personal PC work and I got dressed to proceed with the rest of the day.
I really didn't have too much to do.Since it is the day before the holiday,I simply spent the day just doing some last minute stuff.I had to make sure that things were ready for when the holiday truly approaches.I had to go to a local supermarket to pick up a few more things that were needed for the holiday.After paying for them,I stopped at a gas station to get some gas and after that was done,I headed for home.
On the way home,I stopped at a friends house to see how he was doing.After spending a few minutes with him,I headed straight home and that is where I stayed for the rest of the day as I had nothing else to do nor any place else to go.
When I got home,I simply relaxed and watched a DVD while doing so.
After eating,I watched the evening news for a while and I also did some more personal PC work.Overall,a pretty good day.
Though my recovery continues to go positively,I am still having to deal and struggle with depression and it's symptoms.I am dealing with them one day at a time.I am still attending my therapy sessions.I am taking my medication as directed.I am hoping to continue feeling better in the days and months ahead.
I am fully aware that I haven't discussed anything regarding my struggles with Homosexuality/Same Sex Attachment Disorder(SSA).But lately,I have been really having a very difficult uphill battle regarding my struggles.I have given into temptation on many occasions.I have watched online pornography and I have also masturbated to that online porn as well.I have also masturbated without watching porn.In those instances,I have been talking to myself pretending that there is another man in the room with me and we talk about sex and of me performing oral sex on him.Also,I have been manipulating my genitals to almost hardness as a result of erectile dysfunction that I am also struggling with alongside the unwanted SSA that I am trying to overcome.When my genitals are at near hardness,I simply masturbate until I climax.Afterwards,I feel miserable as a result of that falling short of what I want to accomplish and strive for,which is overcoming this dreaded demon known as SSA and to be the man that not only that I want to be.But the man that God through his son Jesus Christ wants me to be,which is a healthy and happy Heterosexual,as humans, both male and female are meant and supposed to be.As a result of my constant falling short,I am feeling down,miserable and dirty.I so desperately want to overcome this dreaded SSA and I would really like someone,preferably a male who I can trust,confide and connect with in a healthy authentic manner,to really help me out and show me how I can overcome these nasty habits that I have that only reaffirm the sexual identity that I am seeking to change,which is Homosexuality,and keeps me far away from what I want to accomplish.If anyone out there can help,please do so.I am open to any suggestions and ideas.I would like to know for any man like me,what did you do to resist the temptations to give into those feelings without seeking another male partner for the sake of having sexual activity with him.The reason why most men struggling with SSA like myself masturbate is to try and connect to their lost maleness,but in reality,it doesn't do that.It is simply acting out on the unnatural and sinful desires that are emotional in origin and need to be corrected authentically by positive interaction with other man in a healthy and authentic setting.Again,any help,especially by Christian men who have successfully overcame SSA and anything having to do with it,would be appreciated.Thanks.
Tomorrow is the holiday.I will simply be staying home and taking it easy.My sister who lives locally will also be having dinner with us as she will be all alone this year and has nobody else to spend it with.That is all that I have planned for tomorrow.
That was my day today and my plans for the day ahead,including the state of my current struggles with SSA and how I can be advised to help me resist the temptation to act out on the desires associated with SSA in other forms other than seeking male partners for sexual activity.Again,any help or advice,especially by those who are Christian who have successfully overcome SSA and anything to do with it,is appreciated.Thanks in advance for anything.FJ
2 comments:
Hi there FJ,
You are so courageous to write about your struggles. From my experience I know that what you write about is a common struggle with us who face SSA. Strong urges to act out I find are driven by the pain we feel inside and which we find hard to face. It might be the pain of lost innocence (sexual & physical abuse), the pain of a parent who did not meet our needs or love us as we deserved, the pain of rejection and other things which were impossible to face. It may feel that we will explode into a thousand pieces if we don't use something (sex, eating, drugs-medication...) to ease that pain. For me as long as I continued to watch porn, act out sexually, etc., the driving urge to do those things kept me alert to the next fix. A bit ago I discovered that my computer was filled with sites that I had visited and they were stored in it, hundreds of them, even tho' I thought I had deleted them. As I went through them one by one and eliminated them the reality of my addition hit home. I sat for a few hours and methodically eliminated them at the same time making a decision I was never gonna visit one of them again. Those same things and the experiences I participated in sexually are also imprinted in my mind. Though they are there I know with God's help and me not visiting them again, they will fade and be only a faint memory. It will take time just as it took a long time to put them there. That is the sad part of sinful sexuality, it may start as experimentation, as a feeling, a desire, a lark, a manly thing or something else but it grabs a hold of us with an iron grip. It did take away the pain I felt inside - I might add that I did not always identify it as pain, because it began when I was very young and did not understand much about it except that it made me feel good and I didn't have to think about things that didn't seem to have an answer, such as things I was missing.
I don't know if this helps much. I wasted so much energy in my life chasing something (sexually charged exercises) that never did take that pain away or fill a need for love and intimacy, not for more than an hour or so or even for five minutes. After it all was said and done that ache was still there, that thought that "next time it will be different," I just ached even more for that next experience. God knew all this and I know that is why He warned us not to take part in sexual sin. God knew it would steal a lot of our future, our energy, our productivity, our finances and as some are experiencing right now even their lives here on earth. It wasn't worth it, it isn't worth it, and with tears I feel the weight of what I have just shared.
FJ, I love you, you're a dear guy and I want so much for you to get free of that pain, that overwhelming desire to act out sexually. It is a long journey, I am living that, but I know we will make it. God is our Father, we can depend on Him to see us through. Take good care.
Stan
Stan
Thanks so much for those much needed words. I really needed them. They are always appreciated, I am still hoping that one day,I will reach that plateau that I want to reach despite some opposition that I have been receiving as of lately and it has made the struggle extremely difficult. But again, I am hanging in there and I am hoping that things do get better. I am still going to church and that has been wonderful and I am hoping that one day, I will be a member of the church again.
I truly understand where you are coming from regarding the struggle. All of the things that you brought up,as I have shared here on my blog and my private conversations with you via both phone and e-mail,are really what I went through and why I struggle with SSA and working to overcome it. It is a very difficult thing to overcome, but I learned that with hard work and dedication to overcoming that,it is well worth it. Again, opposition to what I am trying to accomplish has been very strong and overwhelming,but I am still in the fight and I refuse to surrender to the desires by simply going out and looking for a human male partner to act out on these desires with.I know that acting out won't give me the results that I truly want,which is real affirmation of my gender identity and a feeling of authenticity that every man feels once he has received that real affirmation from another man.
I also have to keep in mind that pornography,in itself,is garbage.Pornography also won't give me what I truly seek,need and want.It will also leave me feeling empty and yearning for more sexual activity with other men. I am still a work in progress and I also know that there will be stumbling blocks along the way.The only thing that I can do is to simply leap over those stumbling blocks each and every time that they come and continue to tread the waters of temptation with caution and with a ready and alert mind.
Thanks again Stan for your words of encouragement.They are always appreciated.Please check my blog tonight as I share my day regarding the holiday.So far,it has been a rough roller coaster ride and I am hoping that it will get better as the day winds down.
Take care Stan and thanks again.FJ
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