Possible Triggers

Tonight,my rocky road to recovery continues moving forward.

Today,I woke up in the mid morning and had my usual coffee.After my coffee,I quickly did my personal PC work.After that was done,I managed to move some more boxes containing another portion of my record collection to the rented storage unit.I still have a few more to bring there,which will be done tomorrow after I get home from church.

After all of that,I managed to get some shopping done at a local supermarket.I headed straight home after that.

When I got home,I had a light evening meal and I changed into pajamas.I also did some more personal PC work.I relaxed for the rest of the evening until it was time for me to prepare for my evening retirement.A pretty good day overall.

My SSA struggles have been tough as of late.The stress of the past week and also the previous week have made the SSA that I have skyrocket.I have had to put with the baloney from the clients at the facility.I also faced persecution from one of them after I let one of the staffers know that I smelled tobacco in one of the restrooms at the facility.They called me vile names and continued to persecute me.They even followed me around when I was walking to find something that I needed to get a certain job done.All of this really made SSA skyrocket for me.I was being tempted to act out on all the perversions that I have.The temptations were attacking me at both sides.I was tempted not only to fantasize and lust,but also to watch "Homosexual/Gay" themed pornography.I feel like I'm going up a steep hill with no end in sight.I have even had some bizarre dreams where I'm stuck in the middle of a deserted road trying to find which way to go.I have also had dreams where I meet wild animals that talk to me and say all sorts of things and gibberish.With the temptations,I have also been tempted to touch myself inappropriately to sexual images of men clouding my mind.Coupled with all of the abuse,physical,emotional and sexual,that I have endured and suffered,the bullying that I endured during much of my school years and also,outside of school and being used and abused by others for their own pleasure,I feel like I'm being worn out and messed up emotionally and mentally.I still don't know whether I'm coming or going.I also feel trapped in a shell with all of my negative emotions and the unnatural sexual desires that I have.I would love to break free from this shell and feel like I'm finally free.As I have said before and I will say again,this terrible SSA struggle that I have made me realize that I have perversions that I never thought I had nor ever knew that I had,but again,I'm not going to go into them as I don't want to trigger anything in anyone nor scare anyone away from me.I am still seeking to break free from these terrible and sinful perversions that I have.I just need some helpful advice.I also need some spiritual upbuilding and encouraging words.I also still need to fix and repair my own relations with my Heavenly Father as I haven't been talking to him regularly like I should.Any advice on how I can do that is appreciated.

Please continue to pray for me.I really and desperately need all the prayerful support that I can get from all of you who are Christian and follow my blog.Yes,I still need your prayers as I really need to know that there are people out there who haven't given up on me.This helps keep me going.I also would appreciate some positive verbal support,in the forms of spiritual upbuiling (i.e. Holy Bible scriptures to help me out and see what I can do to keep fighting and seek the healing that I so desperately need) and encouraging words.Thanks to all of you for your continued support.Thanks also to both my Heavenly Father and his son Jesus Christ.

Tomorrow is church as usual and I hope that it goes well and that the rest of the day goes well also.FJ