Tonight,I am feeling okay.I had a great day today.
The company picnic was nice.Yes,I did eat quite a bit of food and I was full,mostly from drinking a couple of bottles of bottled water.But again,I did eat quite a bit.I was going to go swimming in the pool but I changed my mind.After watching some fun stuff,I headed for home.
On the way home,I stopped to check up on a friend of mine to see how he was but he wasn't home.I am hoping that he is okay and I am also hoping,weather permitting,to check up on him tomorrow hoping to catch him at home.I headed straight home after that.
When I got home,I got out of my clothes and I relaxed for a bit.I also watched another After School Special on that DVD set that I have because I was feeling bored and I wanted something to cheer me up.It was nice watching that and after that,I continued to relax for a bit.I also did my personal PC work,which I hadn't had a chance to get to all day due to the social club being temporarily closed and going to the company picnic.But I did hear from the social club coordinator that it will be open on Monday and things will return to normal very soon.
After eating a light dinner,I watched the evening news for a while and I did some more personal PC work.
I am feeling a little bit better than I did yesterday.I am not feeling as depressed as I was yesterday.The depressive funk that I am in is slowly disappearing.I am hoping that the funk will be over with soon and I will be back to normal.I was feeling really good as a result of me talking to my father and learning to let go of the anger that I felt towards him as well as forgiving him for what he did to the family over the years,including the horrible paternal abuse that I had to endure from his hand.Now,I am in a depressive funk that although is slowly disappearing,I still feel that it doesn't want to leave.But again,I am slowly getting out of it and I am hoping to fully get out of it soon.The only drawback is that I still haven't heard from the nurse practitioner at the local hospital.I guess that what I have to tell her is going to have to wait until Monday afternoon when I have an appointment with her.As stated,I understand that she is a busy person with a lot of cases and clients to be seen but I still feel that she still can spare a few minutes to see what a client has to tell her.I wanted to tell her about the funk that I had been in and what I had been thinking about since our last session.I also wanted to tell her about some of the side effects that I have been dealing with as a result of the medication that I am currently taking and see if I can give another medication a try that doesn't have any of the side effects that this one has.Again,I am hoping that I can talk with her about these things and I am also hoping that she will be understanding.
The only really good thing is that all of that is not affecting my SSA struggles.I am also not having any temptation to watch any pornography.
I know that I have been rambling a lot as of late.But I need to get what I have to say off of my chest and I am also looking for some support through some of the negatives that are going on in my life at the moment.If there is anyone out ther reading what I am posting on here,please share any words of encouragement that will really help me out.I would really appreciate that.Thanks.
Tomorrow is the start of the weekend.I am hoping that the weekend goes well for me.
That was my day today and my hopes for the weekend ahead.FJ
6 comments:
My friend, I read your blog most every day. I understand your need to write and see that it is helping you. So glad you were able to talk to your father; you mentioned about forgiving him, did he offer any explanation to you about the way he acted towards you? Just wonderin', not pressing you for an answer. Have a good weekend, cheerin' for you in every respect (that includes prayin')
Stan
Stan
Thanks for reading my blog. Thanks also for the encouraging words posted on here as they have been a help.
I never really asked my father for an explanation because he would only answer with these words:
"I Had to do it to straighten you out and bring you up in the lord. I also was disciplining you."
Stan, I know that his repeatedly beating me was not discipline, but physical abuse. Plus, he also emotionally and spiritually abused me. But now, it has been many years and I am now willing to forgive him and let go of the anger that I have held for him over the years. It is time that I did.
Thanks again and please keep reading.
FJ,
It was my mother who often made comments like, "A good Christian boy wouldn't act that way!" She made a comment like that when at any time I would even dare to disagree with her, which I stopped ever doing because I could never please her. I was always wrong. Like you I wouldn't have asked her for an explanation either because she would have answered like your father would. She had to be always right and often it was punctuated with a 'Christian' phrase or verse. Up until, even as late as when I was 24, she used a leather strap on me.
I agree with you, the beating was physical abuse you endured. I so understand emotional and spiritual abuse. The anger you describe toward your father, did it also translate into anger toward yourself in any way? I know I sure took out anger on myself. I came to have such a poor vision of myself.
One time I was home for a visit to my mother's church and I was asked to sing a solo. When I walked down the aisle to the front to sing I looked over at my mother for a moment and all I saw was the worst frown she had ever given me. I still see that look, she was never proud of me and that day I saw it. I never dared ask her why she acted that way. I guess I knew what the answer would be and I couldn't have taken it. I forgave my mother for all these things, not to her face, but in my heart because I didn't want to become that person she was. I made the decision to accept people and not find fault or reject them because they didn't 'please' me.
I am so glad you have the opportunity to talk to your father. You are more of a man than he is because you forgave him even though he didn't acknowledge doing anything wrong. I am proud of you for that step of faith and courage. Keep reaching out to him and perhaps some day you will see what you so desire to see and even hear from his lips.
Blessings,
Stan
Stan
I know what you mean. My father was a fanatic on quoting bible scripture whenever he felt that he needed to quote it. Among his most favorite scriptures to quote was Ephesians 6:1-3. He would quote scripture like you wouldn't believe and would always do so in a very proud angry manner. I endured all of this for 9 months when I was younger but there were other instances when I was growing up that I had to endure the wrath of my father when he also was leading me to be angry with him with all of the abuse that he gave me and even the abandonement.
Regarding whether I felt angry at myself, yes I have felt angry at myself quite a few times. It is not a pretty thing.
My father also used a leather strap on me as well. I know exactly where you're coming from.
Thanks again for the encouraging words and for your support. It helps keep me going.
I'm glad to see that you're both connected. I don't read your blog everyday, but do come by about once a week. I also pray for you that you continue to grow in the Lord and find deeper healing. Blessings.
TCM
Thankls for stopping by and commenting. Thanks also for the words of encouragement.
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