Tonight,I am feeling okay.I had a pretty good day today.
The laundry pick-up didn't turn out so good.I had a huge mess to clean up.But I did get it cleaned up and I managed to drop off the laundry at the work site and even sort it out.But still,I had a huge mess to clean up and I really wasn't too happy about picking up after people who actually know how to pick up after themselves.After eating lunch,I hung out at the social club for a while and headed for home.
On the way home,I stopped at a gas station to get some gas in my tank and I headed straight home after that.
When I got home,I relaxed for a while and I also went to a local laundromat to do my dirty underwear.It had accumulated pretty much over the past few weeks and I felt that it was high time that it got done.It took a while but after it was finished,I folded everything and I bagged it all.I headed back home afterwards.
When I got home,I relaxed again for a bit while waiting for dinner to get done.My mom was already working on it when I walked in.I sorted out all my underwear once I got it in the house.
After eating,I watched the evening news for a while and I talked on the phone with a crisis counselor over at a Drop-In Center for a while.We talked for over 1/2 an hour about my bout with depression and what I believed on how it got started.She also told me that she wanted me to call back tomorrow night after I ate dinner because she was going to look up any counseling for me in the area that I live in.The reason is because she told me that she wanted me to feel better and feel much happier.I am hoping that she can because at the moment,I have really nobody to talk to in the area.My sexual abuse support counselor is out of her office due to personal reasons and I don't know when she will be back.Again,I am hoping that I can hook up with someone in my area so I can talk about how I am feeling and I am also hoping that the person that I will talk to will listen and avoid being judgemental in their approach.I really need somebody to talk to about the way I am feeling and at the moment,I have nobody to talk to regarding the way that I feel.I am also feeling sad as a result of this and I am in desperate need of someone to talk to because I am feeling alone like if nobody is there and nobody cares.I am hoping that I can hook up with someone in my area so I can talk about these feelings.
I am also having the temptation to watch pornography online but after I am done here,I am going to do something else.I will NOT watch any pornography in any way,shape or form.I am determined not to fall.I am also determined to be strong and not give in to the temptation.Again,the minute that I am done here,I am going to do something else.If that doesn't work,I am going to simply close off the internet and shut the computer down.
Tomorrow is a work day.I am hoping that the shift goes smoothly.
That was my day today and my hopes for the day ahead.FJ
2 comments:
Hi FJ,
Sure do pray that you will find someone to talk about sexual abuse. That is one area that has been very troublesome for me. What I do remember is very little but my reactions and emotions say something else. I believe even in pornography, looking back to what I seemed to be drawn to, I was searching for activities that held some indication of love between the participants. The majority, all right all of it, was just focused on sex. Also I think most of us have some idea that we don't quite measure up physically and we want to watch and fantasize that we are like them, when in reality all of us are just like we are supposed to be. Sexual abuse rendered our feelings about our body as something to be ashamed of, why because they used us, abused us and when they were finished (had their fun) they turned away and left us. I call it a 'cold' feeling, filled with feelings we can't quite touch or figure out. These things can cause us to be depressed and feeling down which leads to, well, trying to medicate.
Hold on FJ, I am rooting for you in every respect of your day by day journey. Keep blogging. Day by day I am learning things but one thing I have to do is remember 'what' I have learned and not forget and find myself in the same old rut. That was my pattern before and I am striving to be free of it.
Have a good day tomorrow and take good care of yourself.
Stan
Thanks for posting on my blog. I look forward to reading each and every day when I check. Keep up the encouraging words. Thanks again.
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