Tonight,my road to recovery remains positive.I had a pretty good day today.
Today,I woke up in the early morning and bathed.After my bath,I had my usual quick breakfast and my usual 2 cups of coffee.After breakfast,I did my personal PC work and I got dressed.I proceeded to get on with the rest of the day as I had something planned.
After having a quick lunch,I headed out to an AMVETS thrift store as they were having a 1/2 off everything you buy Black Friday sale and I wanted to see if I could find anything that I am looking for.
When I got there,I really looked around and I did find a few more vinyl albums and also,a few nice clothes to wear.After paying for the items,I headed for home.
On the way home,when I got back into my hometown,I stopped at a local supermarket to pick up a small thing that was needed for the home.After paying for that item,I headed straight home and that is where I stayed for the rest of the day as i had nothing else to do nor any place else to go.
When I got home,I relaxed and watched some TV while doing so.
After eating,I watched the evening news for a while and I also did some more personal PC work.Overall,a pretty good day.
Though my recovery from depression and it's symptoms is still going strong and positive,I am still dealing and struggling with that each and every day.I simply deal with them one day a time.I am still attending my therapy sessions.I am also taking my medication as directed.I am hoping to continue feeling better in this department in the near and distant future ahead.
Regarding my SSA struggles,I gave into temptation last night.Images of nude men with erect penises flooded my mind and I wound up manipulating my genitals to them and when my genitals were near hardness,I masturbated until I climaxed.I felt so miserable afterwards and also felt that I failed God and his son Jesus Christ.I also felt that I failed myself.I just sat in a chair wallowing in my failure and really feeling sorry for myself.I really want to get out of this SSA trap and I no longer want to feel sexual feelings towards other men.I want to change into the man that not only I want to be.But,most importantly,the man that God wants me to be.I am still determined to be that and really defeat this demon known as SSA.I am reminded day in and day out that this struggle and the work to overcome this struggle is an extremely difficult one indeed.I am reminded by each failing and relapsing and each misery that I feel when I do fail and relapse.I am still determined to beat this and I am going to keep at it.In no way am I going to seek out a male sexual partner for the purposes of acting out on my desires with him.I already know that acting out won't give me what I really want and need,which is affirmation of my male gender identity and the authenticity that I want to feel when I get that affirmation of my gender identity.That is all that I really want and ask for.Again,my goal is to simply reach the plateau that I need and also want to reach.I am not quitting until I reach it.
As for the rest of the holiday weekend,I have made no plans.But whatever I choose to do,I hope that it does give me positive benefits.
That was my day today and my hopes for the rest of the holiday weekend ahead.I am still in the fight against the dreaded demon known as SSA,but I am still going to fight that demon at all times.I am never giving up.That is right.I am never giving up until I reach that plateau that I want to reach.FJ
2 comments:
FJ,
I just wish I lived closer to you and could give you a hug so you wouldn't have to feel so lonely. I hear that in what you said. The sexual stuff (pictures in your mind, masturbation...) is the hurting child in you trying to find a way to drive the pain away. Porn helps you to know you are not alone with the SS desires but in turn it just drives the pain deeper.
Last Saturday I went for an hour session with a Psychologist and it was so helpful. For that hour I just poured out my heart. He talked a bit but after it was over I knew I had spilled everything out and didn't really give him much chance to say much. What he did say was just what he needed to say and I came away knowing he accepted what I said with such compassion and understanding. I found out that what I felt was not crazy but very real. Tomorrow afternoon I go again and I am so looking forward to it. It was busy at work this week and I felt tired but I also know that what is happening is just what I need right now. I let a lot of pain out last Saturday as we talked, tears and all, and saw in a new way the source of that pain. God is good and I trust Him.
I hope you have a good weekend and even that you can find someone to talk to about the deep things you so desperately need to share. There has to be someone, ask God to lead someone your way.
{{HUGS}}
Stan
Stan
Thanks again for the encouraging words. Your words are always appreciated. The words that you have expressed are really where I am at right now in my struggles to overcome this dreaded demon known as SSA. I have been fighting this demon for a long time and I can't let that demon win. I know what you mean about driving the pain deeper as the porn doesn't give me anything that I really need and want, like the affirmation of my male gender identity and the feelings of authenticity that go along with it. Porn, masturbation and acting out with another man I know will never get me that. I always have to keep that in mind constantly as the temptation to act out in other ways, such as porn and masturbation, rather then going out and seeking a male partner to act out with in an anonymous setting. I know that none of that will give me what I want.
Regarding finding a psychologist, I am glad that you have found someone to share your pain with and I am also glad that it can be of help to you to do that. Stan, I will be sending you a personal e-mail on this as I also have experience with psychiatrist and psychologists and at times, the experiences weren't very flattering. But Stan, before I do, I want to let you that I don't want you to get the wrong idea as to what I will be writing, it is just the sharing of my personal experiences. Again, I hope that you don't get the wrong idea and I also hope that you don't jump to the wrong conclusions.
I also hope that you have a good weekend and I will take your advice into consideration and really try to apply it. Thanks.
Please keep checking out my blog as I am going to be writing more in the days ahead. Thanks again for everything.FJ
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