Tonight,my rocky road to recovery continues moving forward.

Today,I woke up in the early morning and had my usual coffee.After my coffee,I washed up quickly and got dressed in a suit.I headed for church for both the morning's Holy Bible study class and the worship service afterwards.

Both the class and the worship service were wonderful.After some wonderful fellowship with my fellow worshipers,I headed for a local Arby's for a quick lunch and headed straight home after that.

When I got home,I changed from my suit into casual clothes and after that,called someone who's been helping out with the remodeling and said he needed a ride,so I picked him up and dropped him off and after that,went to get a can of paint and some sanding screens and headed straight home.

When I got home,I took the paint and the sanding screens to him and went right away to do my personal PC work.After that was done,I relaxed and later,took the guy who's helping us home.

When I returned,I had a light evening meal and I did more personal PC work.I continued online watching a few videos and sending important e-mail's and then,prepared for my evening retirement.A wonderful and eventful day overall.

Tonight,I need to get something off of my mind.I have been in a rut for a while.No,it has nothing to do with my SSA struggles,but it may have little to do with them,I feel at the same time.Lately,I have been saying very hateful things under my breath.Yes,I have.I don't know why I've been doing so,but I have been.These hateful things are directed towards my own relatives and even to some of the clients at the drug/alcohol rehab facility that I work at.Fellow readers,friends and followers,I'm not a totally hateful person.But lately,I have been saying these terrible things under my breath.Again,I don't know why.I have also been saying other mean things connected with my relatives.I have been saying negative things about their annual get together's every year.I have also been saying very judgmental things about certain relatives and every time I do,I feel miserable and also,angry at myself for saying them.I also continue to say angry things to myself aiming these things at people who aren't there.This has been really shaking me up and making me hate myself and also,angry at myself at the same time.I also still get depressed whenever these things happen.It saddens me that things have been flooding my mind and that I've been saying them.I am hoping that I don't get into trouble for these things at work and most importantly,my own relatives as if they hear that I have been saying these terrible hateful things under my breath and that I yell these things to someone else in my family,I am afraid that my own family will disown me and want nothing to do with me.I can't have that happen.I also could lose my job over this and also,I can't have that happen either.Again,I'm really not a hateful person,but these hateful things that I've been saying under my breath are making me sad,miserable and angry at myself for having them.

Could it be that I still have some unresolved anger and trauma issues?

Could it also be that I hate myself for having these unnatural SSA desires that I struggle with daily?

Could it also be that I hate myself for having this terrible SSA struggle in the first place?

Could it also be that I hate myself overall for even having these terrible unnatural desires and struggle with them?

I don't know whether I'm coming or going.

I don't know what I'm going to do to stop this terrible hateful and angry tirade that I have.

The thing is that I'm supposed to be a Christian.I go to church each Sunday morning.I also go to church during the holy days of Christmas and Easter.I worship with very loving,friendly and wonderful people.I also do Holy Bible readings when I can and even share in Holy Communion with my fellow worshipers.I also volunteer by ushering by helping out with collections and Holy Communion.Christians are supposed to be loving people as much as Jesus Christ,the founder of the Christian faith,was/still is loving.Christians are also supposed to be compassionate as Jesus Christ was/still is compassionate.

The problem is that lately,as a result of this terrible tirade that I have and my SSA struggles,I have not been acting like a Christian.No,I haven't.I humbly admit it.I have been acting more like a worldly person who has distanced himself from the Christian faith and chooses to do what they want to do regardless of whether it hurts others or not.I hate that about myself.I really do hate that.

I want to stop,but don't know how.If anyone can help,please do so.I need prayerful support.I need all of you to continue praying for me.I also need all of you to continue believing in me and not give up on me.I do want to change.I do want to be a loving person.I also want to get rid of these hateful things that I have been saying.I also want to stop this angry and hateful tirade that I have.I feel miserable and angry at myself as a result of these things.

I also need some spiritual upbuiliding in the forms of Holy Bible scriptures and spiritual counseling to go with it.I also need a lot of encouraging words to go along with the spiritual upbuilding and counseling.Please leave these things within the comments section on my blog.Thanks to all of you for your support.Thanks also to both my Heavenly Father and his son Jesus Christ.

Tomorrow is the start of the new work week.I hope that all goes well with me tomorrow and onward.FJ