Tonight,I am feeling pretty good.I had a pretty good day today.
The work shift went smoothly.I simply did what I had to do in the amount of time that I had.I also had to help one of the job coaches with something.After the shift was over,I ate lunch and I piled all the clean laundry bags that I had into my 4X4 and I dropped them off at the rehab center.I headed straight home after that.
When I got home,I had the house all to myself for a while because my mom was out having her hair done.I watched a DVD for a while until she got home.She looked a lot better than she did in a long time.
I also managed to get my personal PC work done.I also canceled memberships on several Yahoo forums in order to help reduce my e-mail load.I hope that it does indeed help.I need to find some more constructive things to do rather than spending so much time on the computer.Don't get me wrong,I like being on my computer and I am saving gas because I used to go to the public library to do my computer work.But I realize that I spend too much time online.I am working on cutting my online time in half and not be so much on it.I am hoping that what I am doing helps.
I also ran a couple of errands.I went to a local supermarket to get a couple cans of soup for dinner alongside a pack of cheese and a box of cereal.The second errand was that I went to a local Dollar General store to get a small thing that my mom needed.I also managed to spend some time over at my sister's house for a while during all of this.
After eating,I decided to do some last minute personal PC work,including posting here.Overall,a pretty good day.
I am feeling a lot better now.I am not feeling any depression at the moment nor am I feeling anything else negative.I had a pretty good day and I am also feeling better about myself right now.I don't know what it is but the depression that I felt last week is practically gone.I am not feeling any sadness nor am I feeling anything related.I guess that I am still looking forward to my father's visit in July.I am looking forward to seeing him and spending some time with him.I am hoping that the time with him goes well.I have a feeling that it will but still,I hope.
Regarding my SSA struggles,I had a brief episode early this morning.It was when I was trying to get back to sleep after using the bathroom.I was also manipulating my sexuality as a result of images creeping up into my mentality.The best thing was that I managed to stop myself from making the situation get worse where I would wind up acting out by masturbating.I did managed to fall back asleep for about an hour before I got up.
I am also not having any temptation to watch any pornography at the moment.This is also making me feel the way I am feeling.I am glad that I am no longer ensnared by the lure of pornography.It feels great to know that I now have a choice whether to watch or not to watch.Though I am not tempted to watch any porn,I still have to be on guard.I know that the temptation to watch porn in any way,shape or form will come when I least expect it.But at least,I can now choose not to watch it.I will just have to handle the temptation to watch pornography when the temptation comes.But for now,I am not having any temptation to watch any of that garbage.I am also hoping that the way I am feeling stays for quite a while.
Tomorrow is another work day.I am hoping that the shift goes well.After that,it's the weekend.
That was my day today and my hopes for the day ahead.FJ
6 comments:
Hi,
I know what you mean by spending too much time online, it is getting better, but connecting with people has been a real lifeline for me in many ways since I got the computer. There are many other things tho' I'd like to do more of like reading, painting, singing, etc. O guess learning to prioritize my time has to be the goal.
Sure hope all goes well with your dad when you see him. Maybe you have mentioned this before but do you ever ask him the why's? I wish my mother was still alive so I could ask those questions but I didn't and now wished I had. Will be praying for you my friend. Take good care.
Stan
Stan
Thanks again for the comments and the words of encouragement. Truly appreciated.
I have never really asked my father the "WHY's". I guess that I have always been scared of the answers that he might give. I am actually sorry to hear about your mom being dead. It is sad when a loved one is lost in death. I lost my grandfather on my father's side when I was only 6 and that really saddened me. I am still missing him today.
Thanks again and keep it up.
FJ,
I mentioned the Why's because I really needed to know why I could never do anything to please my mother, why she abandoned me when I was eleven, why she boasted to others about me but when I was around her I never heard an encouraging word, why her frowns at me made me feel so bad, etc. Yes, I suppose I was also scared of the answers she would give, or not give, and then I would feel even worse. You see, whenever I was around her I always felt like that little boy who could never measure up.
I hope you can get even one answer as to why your father treated you as he did. I remember a guy who attended a Support Group I was in once a few years ago. He too struggled with SSA but when a reconciliation occurred between him and his dad and his dad actually hugged him and said he was sorry, Alan experienced a real change in his own life and I remember him saying that SSA became so much less as a result. It shows how crucial our relationship with our dad (authority figure in our home) really is.
Just some thoughts. Hope the best for you.
Stan
Stan
Thanks again for those encouraging words. Truly appreciated. Thanks also for sharing those experiences with me. They are also truly appreciated.
The main WHY that I want to know is "Why did my father leave us kids (I have two older sisters)when we really needed him near? He abandoned me when I was real young (between the ages of 6-7)when he moved out of state without letting any of us know until he was settled into his new place. This really came as a shock to me at the time. It also happened around the, but not exactly, same time that my grandfather died. That would be the main WHY that I would want to know.
Thanks again for the words of encouragement.
That is so heavy a question and I hope you get the answer to your Why. Abandonment is something I too experienced on a few levels and it sure leaves a void. Standing with you my friend. Take good care FJ.
Stan
Stan
I am also hoping that I can get the answer to that "WHY". I am also hoping that it will be satisfactory.
Thanks for standing with me. Truly appreciated. I am glad that I am not alone.
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