Tonight,my road to recovery continues to be positive.I had a pretty good day today despite some frustration that happened to me in the early afternoon.
Today,I woke up in the early morning and bathed.After my bath,I had my usual quick breakfast and my usual 2 cups of coffee.After breakfast,I did my personal PC work and I simply relaxed while planning out my day.
I really didn't have too much to do today.I only had a few errands to run and that kept me busy.
I was hoping to head out to the Best Buy in the next county with my Best Buy gift card that I got for Christmas,but was frustrated when I got a flat tire.This really changed my plans.I had to call AAA for assistance and had to wait over half an hour for the service person to get to me.When he did get there,he put the spare wheel on the passenger side front and I headed over to the local Goodyear to get it fixed and since I am a AAA member,I got the service for only half off.I waited for over twenty minutes,but it was done and I headed back out.
After leaving Goodyear,I headed for a local supermarket in my hometown to purchase something that was needed for the home.After doing that,I got some gas in my tank and I headed straight home and that is where I stayed for the rest of the day as I had nothing else to do nor any place else to go.
When I got home,I relaxed and watched a little bit of TV.
After eating,I watched the evening news for a while and I also did some more personal PC work.Overall,a pretty good day despite the frustration of having that flat tire that drastically changed my plans for the day.
Though my recovery from bipolar depressions with schizophrenic tendencies continues to go positively,I am still,on a one day at a time basis,continuing to deal and struggle with the symptoms.I am still attending my therapy sessions.I am also taking my medication as directed.I am hoping to continue feeling better in the days and months ahead.
Regarding my struggles with SSA,I was once again tempted in the very early morning hours.I had an erection and my desire to masturbate was very overwhelming.The erection was also pretty stiff and it throbbed.I wanted to masturbate to that,but chose to once again toss and turn until the desire to masturbate died down,which it did.My penis softened and I slept for another hour.Yesterday,I shared the experience that I shared here on this blog with the online support groups that I am a member of that help men overcome Homosexuality and how to beat the temptations that come with it when least expected.They simply told me to keep on doing what I was doing and also to keep in mind to seek God and his son Jesus Christ first and make that my main goal and the rest will fall into place.I have been so desperately trying to become the Heterosexual that God intended me to be that maybe this is why I am being tempted to act out on my desires,even though acting out will never get me what I want,which is affirmation of my gender identity and the feelings of authenticity that go with it.I so desperately want to receive that gender identity affirmation and I so desperately want those feelings of authenticity that go with that gender identity affirmation.The thing is that I can't let Satan the Devil get what he wants.He wants me to stay in the trap of Homosexuality and to indulge in all the sinful sexual behavior that is connected with it.But I won't let him get what he wants with me.I am going to work on accepting that I will be tempted and there is nothing wrong with that as every human being on Earth get tempted.I will also have to work on being ready when temptation rears it's ugly head on me and try to think of how I can tough it out and lastly,I have to work on continuing to resist the temptation to sin and act out by other means other than seeking male partners out to act out with,such as pornography,masturbating while watching porn or when the temptation to act out in that way with no pornography or when the desire is either emotional,sexual or both.I now realized that I have been trying too hard to be the Heterosexual man that God had intended me to be that I was losing sight of God and his purpose alongside his son Jesus Christ who also shares in that purpose.I now need to stay focused on God and his only begotten son Jesus Christ and seek them out and let everything else fall into place through them.I now understand why that this is the reason why the temptation to act out is really strong at the moment as having that morning erection was concerned.At the moment,my temptation to act out is minimal/nil at best and I really don't feel anything right now as I did early this morning.Again,I am still open to any advice or suggestions from anyone who follows my blog.Thanks in advance for any of them.
As for tomorrow,I have made no plans.But whatever I do,I hope that it gives me positive benefits.
That was my day today and my hopes for the day ahead.FJ