Tonight,my road to recovery continues,though a bit rocky.I had a pretty decent day today.
This morning,I woke up in the early morning,but fell asleep again while sitting in a chair.I slept for a little over an hour in the chair and after having a cup of coffee,I bathed to clean up.After that,I had my usual quick breakfast and another cup of coffee.I did my personal PC work and after that,I went to proceed with the rest of the day.
Yesterday,though the day started well enough with me being in upbeat mood,I wound up getting hit with depression.It happened in the early afternoon while waiting for my laundry to get done.It just hit unexpectedly and I was feeling down for much of the rest of the day.I just went with the rest of the day hoping that the rut would lift soon,but I was still feeling rutty.Even when I got home later,I still was feeling down.
I do have an idea on why I was feeling that way.I did give into temptation for the fourth consecutive time yesterday by masturbating and it was both emotional and sexual.I did feel miserable and was beating myself up over it and it just brought me down.I really don't know what could be making me give into this thing.I really don't want to give in to this sort of thing anymore as masturbating is a form of acting out.I no longer want to daydream nor have any images of naked men cloud my mind and I really don't want to think of sex with men anymore.I don't want to have sex with any man.I only want to have male friends that I can be close with,bond with and connect with in a healthy and authentic manner.That is all that I want and ask for.I want nothing sexual with any man nor men in general.I just want to have male friends that I can also trust and confide in.Any advice or suggestions on how I can beat this unclean masturbation habit are welcomed and appreciated.
When I did get home yesterday,I relaxed a bit while hoping to get back to being upbeat like I was in the early day.I watched a little TV while taking it easy.
Regarding today,I had only one thing on my agenda.I went to the post office to mail out an important letter.I didn't stay out too long because the weather was very cold and very snowy.After doing that,I headed straight home and stayed there.
After eating dinner,I watched the evening news and after that,I did some more personal PC work.Overall,a pretty decent day,though my road to recovery today was a little rocky.
I am still dealing and struggling with the symptoms of bipolar depression and the schizophrenic tendencies that I have with it.I am doing that on a one day at a time basis.I am still attending my therapy sessions.I am also taking my medication as directed.Yesterday,while still feeling down,I did receive a call from a Christian counselor that I knew and had talked to previously within the region that I live and we talked for twenty minutes.I talked about the depression that I was in and also,all the four consecutive times that I gave into temptation by masturbating.I even told her about the chance encounters that I had with the active Homosexual man when it came to me being out of the "Homosexual/Gay" lifestyle.She simply told me that I really shouldn't beat myself up about my giving into temptation and I really shouldn't worry about what the rest of the world says.She encouraged to continue being thankful and greatful that I know the truth and that the truth has set me free from the trap of Homosexuality.The rest of the world will continue believing what it wants to believe and since I know the truth,I should simply leave the world alone and continue concentrating on doing the right thing by working to stay free from the trap of Homosexuality.After hanging up,I did feel much better as the depression started to lift and after a good nights sleep,I felt much better and I am hoping that I will continue to feel better in the near and distant future.
Regarding my SSA struggles,my temptation to act out is minimal if nil at best.I have no craving to manipulate my genitals to get them hard or near hard to masturbate nor do I have any images of naked men or images of two men having anything sexual together.Still,I need to keep on guard because the temptation to act out could come back any day or any time now.Again,I am still open to advice or suggestions on how I can continue to resist the temptation to act out by masturbation or fantasies.If anyone can help,please do so.Thanks in advance.
As for tomorrow,I have made no plans.But whatever I do,I hope that it gives me positive benefits.
That was my day today and my hopes for the day ahead.FJ