Tonight,my rocky road to recovery continues moving onward.I had a pretty good day today.
Today,I woke up in the mid morning and I showered.After my shower,I had my usual quick breakfast and my usual 2 cups of coffee.After breakfast,I got dressed and did my personal PC work.After that was done,I proceeded to get on with the rest of the day.
I first went to a local hair place to get my hair cut and after that was done,I headed over to the local Super Wal-Mart to pick up a couple of things and after paying for those things,I headed for home.
On the way home,I stopped to see how a friend of mine was doing and after a few minutes with him,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I simply relaxed for a while.
After eating,I watched the evening news for a while and I did some more personal PC work.Overall,a pretty good day.I also managed to get some recommended Holy Bible reading done as well.
While my rocky road to recovery continues moving onward,I am still in my daily battle and struggle with the symptoms of BPD and it's accompanying emotional roller coaster ride.I never know how my moods and/or emotions will be from one day to the next,or at times,from one minute/moment to the next.If having BPD wasn't bad enough,I also have schizophrenic tendencies and that makes my BPD struggles even more difficult.I also have to put up with hearing things,such as invisible footsteps and invisible voices calling out my name and then turning around to find that there is nobody there.It is a very difficult thing to deal with.I am still attending my therapy sessions.I am also continuing to take my medication as directed.I am also continuing to rely more on God and his son Jesus Christ whenever the struggle seems to be getting way too unbearable for me to handle.I simply talk about this particular struggle with God in the name of his son Jesus Christ and they both help in sustaining me.I am never alone in this particular struggle and that makes me feel a tad better.Thanks to both God and his son Jesus Christ for everything that they do.
Regarding my SSA struggles,I am not going to mince words here.I am going to be honest and very straight-forward.I gave into temptation twice.I gave into temptation late last night and again early this morning by manipulating my genitals for the purpose of them near/fully erect and/or to the point of orgasm and stopping,but on both occasions,I actually masturbated until ejaculation once the point of orgasm was there after doing that unclean and impure thing to those lustful and sexual images of men.I really felt miserable as a result of these falls and it felt like there was a crushing weight on top of me as a result of these current failings.On both occasions,I prayed hard to God in the name of his son Jesus Christ to forgive me and I also begged for his mercy as I really felt crushed by these falls.I am an imperfect human being who is prone to sin and I felt that I sinned grievously against God and his son Jesus Christ.I felt,and always still feel so unworthy of him and his undeserved loving kindness and forgiveness.On both occasions,there was lusting involved as visions of nude men were clouding my mind and other lustful sexual images were taking over my mentality and motivated the falls.Again,I asked God in the name of his son Jesus Christ to forgive me and I begged for God's mercy as I really felt terrible for falling two consecutive times within a 12 hour period.After I prayed,I felt much better as I truly believed and accepted that God has forgiven me for both time that I fell.For the rest of the day,I was tempted to continue in the sinful practice of lusting and fantasizing of other men and to manipulate my genitals to those images while they crept up into my mind.I had to ask God in the name of his son Jesus Christ to help give me the strength to fight and resist all of these terrible temptations.They really try to bring me down and everything and that really makes me feel so unworthy.Again,I kept asking God in his son Christ Jesus' name to give me the strength to fight and resist all of those terrible temptations and moved on with the day after I finished praying.Aside from the temptations to indulge in lusting and the fantasizing,I still get tempted to go out and seek out other men for the purpose of indulging in sinful sexual activity with them,but when that temptation comes around,I simply and willfully choose to stay home rather than feed that particular temptation.I still need to continue learning to continue going to God in the name of his son Jesus Christ whenever those other terrible temptations come around.I am so sick of finding men sexually attractive and I am really sick of these terrible temptations trying to get the better of me.I am also again asking for prayers by everyone who follows my blog and reads the posts to continue in prayer for me as I am really in desperate need for prayers and also,to please leave an encouraging word or two for me in the comments section.Both your prayers and your encouraging words help keep me going in this fight and make me even more determined to continue in my journey to overcome this terrible SSA.Please continue praying for me and also,please don't be shy and leave an encouraging word or two for me in the comments section.My blog does get visitors and curiosity seekers,but comments are rare,though I do get them on occasion.Thanks in advance to all of you for your prayers and for your encouragement.Thanks also to both God and his son Jesus Christ for everything that they do and provide.
As for the weekend,with the exception of church on Sunday,I haven't really made any plans.But I hope that whatever I choose to do gives me positive benefits.
That was my day today and my hopes and plans for the weekend ahead.FJ