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Tonight,my rocky road to recovery continues moving forward.I had a pretty good day today.
Today,I woke up in the early to mid morning and I had my usual 2 cups of coffee.While having my second cup,I got a phone call from my job placement counselor/coach and she said that I had to come to the agency to fill out some paperwork so they can transfer my case to another agency.After washing my hair,face and shaving over the kitchen sink,I got dressed up in dress clothes and I headed for the job placement agency to fill out the paperwork.After filling it all out,I headed for home.
On the way home,I stopped at a local former shopping mall parking lot as there was a contest by a local car dealership there.I won a gift card that can be redeemed at the local Super Wal-Mart.After that,I bought a bottle of dish detergent at a local supermarket.After that,I headed straight home.
When I got home,a DirecTV person was there to meet me to help me get my DirecTV service up and running again.It took a little over an hour,but it's finally up and running again.When the repair person was doing his work,I showered quickly and finally had my usual quick breakfast later than usual.After all the stuff was done,I quickly did my personal PC work.After that was done,I popped a DVD into the DVD player and I watched it.After that,I headed out to run a few errands that needed to be run.After I was done running them,I stopped at a local church that was having a free dinner.After I was finished eating,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I changed from my casual clothes into a sweatsuit and I enjoyed a little TV.After that,I did some more personal PC work.Later on,I started to prepare for my evening retirement.Overall,a pretty good day.I also managed to get some recommended Holy Bible reading done as well.
My rocky road to recovery continues moving forward.Though it does,I am still in my daily struggles against BPD/Schizophrenia and SSA,which is the most difficult struggle of the two.There is also something that I haven't really talked about much in my struggles,I have been focusing so much on temptations related to the SSA struggle that I haven't talked about one other thing in my struggles.The link between my struggles with BPD/Schizophrenia and my SSA struggles and what role the former has on the latter.You see,as I have been reporting,I do have BPD,which is an acronym for Bipolar Disorder/Depression.My emotions can be on a roller coaster ride and that can make it tough for me to stay on top.One day/minute,I can be up and feeling pretty good,but,at times,the next day/minute,I can be down and feeling not so good.I never know how my moods will be from one day/minute to the next day/minute.If that wasn't bad enough,I also have to put up up with the hallucinatory effects of Schizophrenia.I sometimes hear things that others can't hear.At times,when I walk,I hear footsteps walking and when I stop to see who or what it is,I see nobody and/or nothing.I also hear voices calling my name and when I turn to see who it might be,the same results as in nobody and/or nothing there.My struggles with this mental illness double whammy also makes my SSA struggles more difficult because,at times,I hear voices in my head telling me to grab my private parts and start to manipulate them and yes,sexual images of men do cloud my mind when I do this and it's like I hear these images talking to me asking for sexual favors and even showing their own private parts to me in hopes that I would provide them relief or anything that they want.Plus,past sexual experiences that I have previously can be rehashed and that starts the whole chain all over again.My struggles with the mental illness double whammy were caused by all the traumatic experiences that I had in my life that I shared in my Saturday October 11th post.I also must add that when my mother rescued me from my father's abuse,a bitter custody battle ensued between the two of them.During that bitter custody battle,my father was the cause of another traumatic experience.My mother put me in a particular local school that was affiliated with the church and one day,my father tried to take me out of the school by force after I refused to go with him.I screamed for him to let me go and that I didn't want to go with him,but he ignored my loud pleas.If it weren't for two janitorial workers who were in the right place at the right time,I would've been on my way back to the state of Oklahoma against my will.The police were called and before the custody battle was over and my mother got full custody,he took off and was too cowardly to appear in court.Not only that,at the court house,I was in a literal tug of war between my mother and my father because my father refused to let go of me and all of these things messed me up mentally and emotionally.This,alongside the sexual abuse that I endured when I a 16 year old kid talked me into performing oral sex on him when I was 10 years old and also,the rape episode that I endured when I was 16 years old when a man in my neighborhood tried to ram his genitals up my rectum without using a condom and it hurt horribly.There were also other instances when I was also used and abused by other members of my own gender for their own pleasure.These experiences and all the other traumas in my life,including the spiritual abuse caused by my father and the religious cult that I followed for two brief years,is why I am still caught in the emotional trap of this terrible SSA struggle.As I said before,I have been in therapy all of my life from child therapy to various psychiatrists,psychologists and my current therapy with the nurse practitioner and the social worker who serves as my therapist now at the local hospital,but none of the therapies that I have been with never ever pointed me in the direction of letting go,transcending and going on to discover the true and vital healing that I truly and desperately need.I want to heal from and finally overcome this terrible SSA,but I first need to learn how I can let go,start transcending and really discover the real healing that I so desperately need as I really don't want to repeat this same old cycle of falling and repenting.Fellow blog followers and readers,please continue to keep me in your prayers.I also ask that you leave me some positive verbal support in the comments section.I still need both your prayerful and positive verbal support daily and often.I also would like some advice on how I can finally let go and transcend from these experiences to discover true healing and finally and really heal from and overcome this terrible SSA.Please continue to pray for me and also,please don't forget to leave me some positive verbal support in the comments section.Thanks in advance to y'all for your continued prayerful and positive verbal support.Thanks also to both my Heavenly Father and his son Jesus Christ for everything that they do and provide.
As for tomorrow,with the exception of a Celebrate Recovery group in the evening,I have no other plans.But I hope that whatever I choose to do gives me positive benefits.
That was my day today and my hopes and plans for the day ahead.FJ