Tonight,my road to recovery continues onward.I had a pretty good day today.
Today,I woke up later than I wanted to and bathed.After my bath,I had my usual quick breakfast and my usual 2 cups of coffee.After breakfast,I did my personal PC work and after that was done,I got dressed.I proceeded to get on with the rest of the day.
After the last two days of stressful stuff,such as the grueling medical tests that I had to endure,I was glad to finally take it easy and do some essential things without worry.I only did a few things today.I first went to a local supermarket to pick up a few things and after that,I headed over to a gas station to get some gas.After that,I headed over to a local video store to pick up a DVD.After all of that was done,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I relaxed and watched a little bit of TV.
After eating,I watched the evening news for a while and I also did some more personal PC work.Overall,a pretty good day.
Though my recovery continues,I am still,on a one day at a time basis,dealing and struggling with the symptoms of bipolar depression with schizophrenic tendencies.I am still attending my therapy sessions.I am also taking my medication as directed.I am hoping to continue feeling better in the days and months ahead.
Regarding my struggles with SSA,I am still being tempted,but today,they were minimal if nil at best.I really had no temptation to act out on my desires nor any urges to manipulate my genitals to get them hard or near hard for the purpose of masturbation.While that was good,I still have to keep in mind that the temptation to act out will get strong again when least expected.I still have to be on guard and watchful.One day I may not be tempted,but the next day might be different.I also have to keep in mind that acting out on my desires in any way,shape or form will never give me what I want,which is affirmation of my gender identity and the feelings of authenticity that go with that gender identity affirmation.Acting out will only reinforce the Homosexual/Gay identity,which is the identity that I have disowned and I am trying to change about myself.The only thing that I have accepted about myself,though it wasn't an easy thing to do,is that I am a male and that I am a member of the male sex.I am also a man.That is all that I am accepting about myself as I will accept nothing else other than that.I also have to keep reminding myself of that each and every day,especially when the temptation to act out in any way,shape or form rears it's ugly head.I also have to keep reminding myself that I am biologically hard-wired to be compatible with a female and that sexuality was meant by God to be the way that he intended to be as God created man and woman for a reason.God never intended sexuality to be used and abused the way that the world around us is using and abusing it.Again,I still need to continuously keep these things in mind each and every day as I know that sexual relationships and sexual activity with members of my own gender is not only sinful,wrong and inappropriate in the eyes of God,but will never give me what I really yearn for,which is the affirmation of my gender identity and the feelings of authenticity that go with that affirmation.Each and every day is it's own struggle and I need to keep reminding myself daily on what is right and what is wrong in the eyes of God.
Tomorrow,I have a spirituality group that I am looking forward to attending.As for the rest of the day,I have made no plans.But whatever I choose to do,I hope that it gives me positive benefits.
That was my day today and my hopes for the day ahead.FJ