Tonight,my road to recovery continues unabated.I had a very good and eventful day today.
Today.I woke up in the early morning and bathed.After my bath,I had my usual quick breakfast and my usual 2 cups of coffee.After breakfast,I got dressed up immediately as I was going to go to this morning's church service and I was looking forward to it with a lot of positive anticipation and enthusiasm.
Today,I had to really take my time getting to church.The roads were all covered with snow as it snowed overnight and was still snowing this morning.I cleaned off my car while it was warming up and headed for church.The roads were pretty slick this morning,but I made it,and was glad to have.
The first part of the morning was the Holy Bible study class.We watched some parts of a DVD called The Baloney Shop,as it was based on a video series from the church's Men's Network website.It was wonderful to watch these things and I guess that everybody got a lot out of watching them.After the class was over,we then prepared for the morning's service.
The service was wonderful.The sermon was based on 1st Corinthians Chapter 8:1-13 and it was terrific.The fellowship before and after the service was wonderful as I did talk with a lot of the regulars that worshiped there.After all of that,I headed for home.
On the way home,I stopped at the drug store to pick up my prescription refill that I made two nights ago.After paying for the refill,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I did my personal PC work.After that was finished,I relaxed and popped a DVD in the DVD player as I had nothing else to do today as a result of the weather.I also have to say that getting home was tough as well due to all the slick spots on the road.But I manged to make it home unscathed and all in one piece.
After eating,I watched the evening news for a while and I also did some more personal PC work.Overall,a very good and eventful day.
Though my recovery continues,I am still,on a daily basis,dealing and struggling with the symptoms of bipolar depression with schizophrenic tendencies.I am still attending my therapy sessions.I am also taking my medication as directed.I am hoping to really start feeling better again in the days and months ahead.
Regarding my SSA struggles,I was again tempted to masturbate early this morning when another erection woke me up in wee hours of the morning.The erection was also another one of those throbbing ones.But as usual,I fought the temptation off by simply tossing and turning until my penis softened.I slept for a little while longer,until I had to wake up to get ready for church.For the rest of the day,I had only a mild temptation to act out on my desires.Though mild,it was still a strong one.I simply kept fighting the temptation for the rest of the day.It isn't easy fighting the temptation to act out by manipulating genitals to get them hard or near hard for the purpose of masturbation,but I stayed in the fight for the rest of the day and I just hung in there until the day ended.It isn't easy struggling with SSA and still having to learn on how to live without having anything sexual with a man or other men.Though I have been in the healing process for almost nine years,I am still learning how to live without having sexual relations with other men.I am finding that each and every day,it is never easy trying to live without sexual activity with another man,but I am still learning that I can live without it.My cravings to find male partners for the purpose of acting out sexually with them can be very strong and it is very difficult to resist that temptation.But I don't go out for that purpose as I know that acting out on my desires in that way,or even with masturbating,will never get me what I want,which is affirmation of my gender identity and the feelings of authenticity that go with the gender identity affirmation.Acting out on my desires,no matter what way it is,will only reinforce the Homosexual identity,which is the identity that I am trying to overcome and be the man that not only I want to be,but the man that God wants me top be.I am still in the fight and though it is never easy,I know that I am doing this to please God and his son Jesus Christ.I always think of them first before doing anything that is wrong and keeping in mind that it would displease them if I were to sin and act out.After putting them first,it makes the fight a tad easier,though it is still difficult.
Tomorrow,I have to attend a couple of group meetings in the early afternoon.As for the rest of the day,I have made no plans.But whatever I do,I hope that it gives me positive benefits.
That was my day today and my hopes and plans for the day ahead.FJ