Tonight,my road to recovery continues,but rocky at best at the moment.I had a pretty decent day today despite some "spur of the moment" stuff that happened today.
Today,I woke up in the early morning,though later than I was hoping to wake and get up,and bathed to clean up.After my bath,I had my usual quick breakfast and my usual 2 cups of coffee.After that,I did some personal PC work and while doing that,I was caught off guard by a couple of "spur of the moment" things that happened.
The first "spur of the moment" event occurred when I got a phone call from the local hospital about a Monday afternoon group.This really caught me off guard.It also made me angry.I had something else planned for Monday as I was hoping to return to the recovery group that I attend every Monday,but this happened.Right after that happened,I called the facilitator of the recovery group to let him know about this and he said that it was okay.After hanging up,I proceeded to get my PC work done,when all of a sudden,the phone rang again and this time,it was an automated courtesy call from the drug store about refills on a prescription that was on file there,but yesterday,when I talked to one of the people in the pharmacy about this,she informed me that there was nothing on file for me and no refills to be filled up.I will have yet another talk with them again today because I am getting fed up with these so called courtesy calls and all those other "spur of the moment" things that just keep happening.After that little episode,I returned to doing my personal PC work and I managed to get it done.I did feel better afterwards,but was still at edge as a result of these "spur of the moment" things that happened.
After finishing my personal PC work,I proceeded to get on with the rest of the day.I had a lot of stuff planned and I wanted to get them done.
Firstly,I went to the bank to withdraw some money.After that,I headed over to the post office to mail out some bills.After that was done,I headed over to the Department of Motor Vehicles to get my license renewed.After that was done,I headed for home.
On the way home,I stopped at the local Super Wal-Mart to pick up one more thing for the home.After that was done,I headed straight home.
When I got home,I relaxed and took it easy for a while and also watched some TV.
After eating,I watched a little bit of the evening news while dressing up.Tonight,there was an Epiphany service at church and I decided to attend the service.I felt that since I want to be a member of the church again,it doesn't hurt to be proactive and attend special services during special times of the year.After I was finished dressing,I headed over to the church.
The service was wonderful and the fellowship before and after the service was also wonderful.It was just great being there to listen to the sermon and to talk with the people before and after the service.I left with a smile on my face and headed straight home and that is where I stayed for the rest of the evening as there was no place else for me to go nor anything else for me to do.
When I got home,I changed into my pajamas and relaxed until bedtime.Overall,despite some rockiness,it was a pretty decent day.
Though my recovery from bipolar depression with schizophrenic tendencies continues to go well,despite some rockiness,I am still,on a one day at a time basis,dealing and struggling with the symptoms of it.I am still attending my therapy sessions.I am also taking my medication as directed.I hoping to continue feeling better in the days and months ahead.
Regarding my SSA struggles,it was the first time in a long time that my temptation to act out on my desires was minimal if nil at best.I really had no temptation to act out.I also didn't have any temptation to manipulate my genitalia for the purpose of getting it hard or near hard for masturbatory purposes.I know that I have to keep working on thinking of pleasant things and wholesome stuff regarding people,especially men,in general.I have to keep thinking that men are brothers and not potential sexual partners.I also have to keep reminding myself that the only real manly love is brotherly love and that is not sexual in itself,but spiritual and Christ like.I also have to keep reminding myself that acting out won't get me what I really want,which is affirmation of my gender identity from other men and the feelings of authenticity that go along with that affirmation.I also have to keep reminding myself that masturbation will never connect me to my lost maleness as it is also a form of acting out on the unnatural and immoral sexual desires connected to the so called "Homosexual/Gay" culture.I also have to keep reminding myself that each and every man is a mirrored image of each other as we men all have the same things physically and intrinsically.I also have to continue working on avoiding other forms of acting out,such as pornography and fantasies.I know that it will be a long and difficult road ahead,but since my future as a man and my relationship with God through his son Jesus Christ is at stake,I have to continue to ponder and move forward with my goals.It will be difficult,but I can do it.Anything that can help me with this will really benefit me.Thanks in advance for any helpful advice or suggestions.
Tomorrow,I have a Men's Network meeting that I must attend.After that,I have no other plans.But whatever I do,I hope that it gives me positive benefits.
That was my day today and my hopes and plans for the day ahead.FJ